Video

oh the response ;)

I don’t particularly like the song itself … but the video … now that brought Me all sorts of joy 😉

It’s the responding … from approx 2.20 onwards.

It’s doing all the shit you want too … just cos you got a rage burning inside yah!

Enjoy 🙂

Hold Up ~ Beyonce, 2016

Video

so yeah … I left YouTube going …

While I was doing my ‘distraction’ cleaning …  *Done, so I don’t overly stress on the possibilities that tomorrows shizz may bring – Yes; I decided to go to my psychologist appointment – and Yes; I have informed the partner that if the airport twat talks to much I will be *shushing* her 😉  …. I let YouTube play through, and somehow ended up at Christmas songs … I know right!

But as the songs below were playing through, I had a couple dozen thoughts – As I Do.

  1. I wonder if they asked any Africans to input into these?
  2. There were a couple (literally) black faces in the 1984 ensemble. Why? I know there were plenty beautiful black singers around in 1984.
  3. I’m not sure whether Africa (the starving part anyway) really gave a fuck about Christmas time.
  4. Was this part of the point of these songs? The irony? Singing to the rich white folks so they’d feel sympathetic and open up their Christmas wallets?
  5. USA for Africa certainly had few more black / brown faces in their ensemble.
  6. Were they aware when they made the 1984 version, that Africa was stripped of their resources by greedy white colonial fuckers?
  7. Were they aware of that when they made the 2014 version?
  8. Maybe they should’ve have written that colonial history into a verse or 2.
  9. Maybe they did and it got taken out? ? ?

Band Aid~ Do They Know It’s Christmas, 1984

Band Aid ~ Do They Know It’s Christmas, 2014

Yeah, so that was my day of pondering …

reality check of sorts

After this mornings panic fuck, it took most of the day to recover … thanks to the cunts next door who are still renovating, the vibrating of the house meant that the ‘calming’ process was made harder … but I shouldn’t blame them I suppose … but who cares right? They’ll never know … so I’ll blame them 😉

So its 1230 and I’m fucked. And now I’ve got some more decisions to make .. and because I can’t quite get a coherent thought together, I’m gonna bullet point this bitch – so I can get it all out and hopefully make some sense of it all …

And We can call it a poem – just so it seems a little flasher than what it really is …

Righteo.

  • I didn’t take a sedative today.
  • I lived through the panic.
  • I survived the phone call.
  • I didn’t suffocate whilst dripping snot and tears.
  • Bonus.
  • I’m on 1/4 antihistamine now.
  • I’m itchy as a mofo.
  • I know it’ll pass.
  • I’ve got an appointment with the psychologist on Wednesday.
  • Turns out the partner is supposed to take some twat to the airport.
  • It’ll work out he reckons.
  • I don’t do ‘it’ll work out’ as an outcome.
  • Wednesday is payday.
  • Paydays are fucked days.
  • The day before payday is a fucked day.
  • Oh, its not My payday.
  • I feel vulnerable.
  • I feel like a child.
  • I feel like I’m at the whim of someone elses emotions.
  • And I don’t like it.
  • Do I cancel the appointment.
  • Post pone the appointment maybe.
  • Is that weak.
  • Or smart.
  • Cos I know how that day is gonna pan out.
  • And it won’t be pretty.
  • For Me.
  • Unless of course I take a sedative.
  • And then I aint gonna remember much of the day anyway.
  • If I go, I need to get blood taken as well.
  • I wanted it to be a calm day.
  • Had made time to have coffee with my daughter.
  • She’s a newly trained barista.
  • Yum.
  • Then my appointment.
  • Then home.
  • Whilst ignoring the partners mood.
  • I can do that.
  • But new shit thrown in there.
  • Ahhhh.
  • The airport twat would come home with us first.
  • Which means I’d hear her talking for 40 minutes.
  • Not sure that I can do that.
  • Well I can.
  • But it wouldn’t be pretty.
  • For her. Or the partner.
  • I don’t care about that really.
  • So maybe thats the option.
  • Roll with the cluster fuck.
  • Drop a sedative or 2 if need be.
  • Make sure I have a humungous coffee.
  • Oh, and ear muffs.

actu-ally

use to think

that

to look outside

yo’self

was a character-

istic

that was

expo-

nentially

held by mamas,

plural –

universal.

but it aint.

in fact

inten-

sive

research

has led me

to believe,

that instead

of this character-

istic

being pretty common;

it is actu-

ally

not held by manys.

cos manys are

actu-

ally

pretty self-absorbed

self-fish

cunts.

fullstop.

it goes like this …

The day started off pretty good … ‘normal’, for Me.

I got my shizz ready to go to the shop … yes, it’s still a struggle, but I’m trying …

I get outside and half way down the road and my phone rings. The phone call I’ve been waiting for from the ACC cunts is coming through. Now? Of course Now … Why? Because I’m Me, that’s Why.

Decision time: To take the call whilst trying to walk to the shop; trying to maintain my shizz – the lights, the noises … trying to calm my freaking farm … Choosing to take the call that I’ve been waiting waiting waiting for … OR

Wait … till god knows when, for them to ring back.

Decision made to take the phone call.

Arrgh. And she spirals down from there.

Nearly at the shop and trying to listen to this woman belt on about the next ‘assessment’ process, whilst she keeps calling me ‘sweetie’ and ‘love’ … both condescending ‘you poor mentally injured soul’ terms of reference that peeps love to pull out so they seem all sympathetic and understanding and shit … and the inevitable happens …

Panic Attack.

Do I sit down on the curb side and breathe deep or fluster fuck myself all the way home and deep breath. Option 2 taken and I barely made it in the door.

ACC twat rounded off her conversation and all I gleaned from it was:

‘The next available appointment is around the end of August’ and ‘No amount of money is ever going to compensate what you have been through’ … which is code for; ‘We are going to pay you sweet fuck all because to Us, you really are nothing but a number who we are not really wanting to pay out anything for – so brace yo’self … for sweet fuck all’.

Oh My Fuck.

So, inside my door, the inevitable melt down happened. Tears and snot and trying to catch my breath and getting my hands over my ears …

And the partner goes:

‘You alright’

Not a question  so much as a statement; intended to get the tears to stop, because they make him most uncomfortable … oh and he has a cold sore which is way way more intense than anything I’m experiencing Pfft …

So as the meltdown continues and I’m trying to wrap my funky little head round myself … it occurs to Me …

I am the strongest person I know.

And like everything else, I’ll deal with this bitch just as heartily as I do everything else. It may not be an elegant process or outcome … but it’ll be a Me outcome.

Oossh and double Oossh, Me.

Link

I Am Not Your Negro

Tonight I watched “I Am Not You Negro”.

And what is there to say?

‘Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.’

James Baldwin

 

thats awesome ACC, insert *sarcastic eye roll*

The assessment is back. Noted. Added to the pts(d) is mdd. Awesome.

So todays conversation with the almighty ACC, went a little something like this … hit it:

  • so, you (meaning ACC – thats, Accident Compensation Corporation) will assist with counselling, right?

Yes.

  • and?

You are covered for mental injury, as noted on your new assessment.

  • which means?

We will assist with your recovery from your mental injury.

  • which means?

*Silence.

  • does that include practical help … like, transport to and from appointments?

We can assist with more than 80ks worth of travel in a month.

  • defined as, what?

Your own transport, and we can reimburse a percentage.

  • and if I don’t have my own transport?

We can look at paying for a bus, possibly.

  • pardon?

Where preferably, you should make your own way to and from appointments and we can reimburse a percentage.

  • what about something else, like self defence for instance?

No. We won’t help with physical activity.

  • what about, art therapy, or something along those lines?

We can assist with the recovery of your mental injury.

  • what about helping with future career or job prospects? getting back to work scenarios?

We will assist with the recovery of your mental injury. So, No, not work prospects. We can pay for a Social Worker to assist you with a CV and possibilities for further assistance.

  • Oh, Wow. Now thats helpful.

no i’m not ~ responding #9

contrary to popular belief

i am not here for:

your pleasure

your ogling

your hands

your dick.

i am not here for:

you to tell me to smile

to act like a lady

to speak quieter

to be quiet.

i am not here for:

you to moan at

to cry too

to comfort

to console.

i am not here for:

you to learn

to observe

to quote

to re write.

i am not here to:

teach you about me

usher you around the edges

coddle and envelope

educate.

i am here

because I am here.

No more.

No less.

it ran out … period

Have you ever been in a vehicle that has run out of petrol?

I have.

You can feel it losing it’s power …

Slowly, but surely.

And as you look at the petrol gauge,

and you know the inevitable is about to happen,

a few things run through your head.

‘Pretty sure I just gassed up

‘Oh shit

‘Fuckssake,

‘What am I gonna do now … ‘

And then the inevitable happens.

Your vehicle stops.

It doesn’t politely pull over first.

Or indicate that it wants to pull over.

Nope.

It just … stops.

And what you do next,

is pivotal.

You can sit there for a while.

Pondering on the what ifs and whys.

Ruminate on the ‘if onlys’.

Doesn’t make the vehicle start-up now does it.

You can get out of the vehicle and ponder on the same.

Nope. No starting up there either.

You can even kick the vehicle,

smash a couple of windows, even the engine

if you wish.

It still won’t start.

How do you make it start again?

Thats right.

Get more gas.

….

So why is it,

when We run out of gas … out of steam … out of energy

We are expected to just start-up again?

….

Shit really don’t work that way!

Image

366 reasons to smile ~ +130.

+130. I’m working on it … eventually you’ll hear me hollah-ring … “Freeee-dom”, in true ‘Braveheart’ fashion … hopefully I’m not being drawn and quartered at the same time 😉