today i’m a …

disabled cunt.

yep that’s what i feel like.

dis-fucking-abled.

most of the time i thoughtfully & purposefully take the time to re-write that script in my head, so i can come up with some clever fucking way of not feeling ‘out of the ordinary’, or disabled.

but there are a lot of fucking times when its virtually impossible to suck it up & change the narrative.

cos it is what it fucking is & its fucking annoying.

no i’m not in a fucking wheel chair & yes i should count my blessings, apparently. & no, being in a wheel chair doesn’t mean its the end of the fucking world either.

but i’m feeling for the peeps, like myself, today … who can’t do ‘mainstream living’ even if they wanted too.

why the sad sack tantrum?

today i wanted a burger.

not a job. not a car. not a house. not a sense of purpose. not racial equality.

no. just a simple fucking burger.

& the food truck with the burgers i like, is in our little town today. yippie.

EXCEPT:

its surrounded by literally hundreds of ‘fun run’ fuckers who aren’t interested in the fatty contents of said burgers, but whose ‘fun-running’ takes precedence in this fucking world. the cunts.

as much as i have progressed (well i fucking try anyways), & i can mingle a little; & i know how to take my panic fuck down from an 8 to a 3 with not as much effort as previously was needed … i am nowhere near ‘able-bodied’ enough to manoeuvre hundreds of hypo fitness fucks, in the daylight, by myself, to get a fucking burger.

nope.

no can do.

& instead of finding the positive in all of that clusterfuck, i’m fucked off, & thats it.

imagine if it was an easy thing – to feel so sure of oneself & the inclusivity that this world is afforded them, that Moi & peeps like Moi, were able to think … oh, i have *pts(d)* (insert whatever ‘disabled’ label thus likes here), but i know this ‘*function / event / restaurant / school / road / walkway ….*’ will cater to my needs somewhere in there, because thats the kinda cunts we are in this country … we’re inclusive cunts … oh yeah … so inclusive its just radiating out of our asses!!

NOT.

& so yeah … i’m fucked off.

i’m burger-less, disabled & fucked right the fuck off.

fuck pts(d). but fuck the system more,  that never will include & cater for everyone, no matter who we are & what we do.


kpm ©


 

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night.walking.

night walking, for me:

there’s no prep involved. it’s calm. cold. easy. refreshing.

even though the supposed sooth-sayers say it’s too dangerous for a ‘woman’ to be doing this.

tell yah whats dangerous honey: is having to listen to you speaking for far too fucking long!

stay in your lane bitch.


kpm ©


 

some-day fuckery.

yah know, there are just ‘those days’, when as much & as hard as yah try, you just cant help seeing all that is wrong with something, instead of seeing both sides of the coin.

today be one of those bitch ass days.

as much as i tried to ‘go-with-the-flow’, it just wasn’t flowing how i wanted it too.

so i’m here.

typing out my grievances.

again.


kpm ©


 

photography .201

#flip_the_bird #bnw #portraiture #photography #kpm ©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

me:

insides out

&

outsides in.


kpm ©


 

the other half of the ‘flash back’:

whilst opening the car door ffs, included a forgotten little gem, in line with the other one.

i was pregnant, vulnerable. fat as fuck.

i showed up to my grandparents house to find the pedo fucker there in all his filthy glory.

he had a habit of showing up there uninvited & just sticking around & torturing the living shit out of them for as long as they’d let him.

he’s such a cunt.

anyway, i was pretty young & timid back then. & feeling vulnerable, like i said.

no-one had any real idea of the effect this cunt had had on my existence, & i was only really just starting to feel the tidal wave of the havoc he’d reeked.

i was married @ this time, & for some reason, the husbands job hunting came up in conversation. he’d decided to apply for prison officer work …

well pedo cunt flipped his lid.

& when he flipped he became more of a scary motherfucker than when he was in his ‘resting’ mode.

i cant really explain the fear he caused, but i knew it was amplified by the fear i felt from everyone else around me. this had been the same all my life.

no-one except my grandmother, ever stood up to him; & she was admonished for doing that mainly because it caused the pedo cunt to escalate.

long story short … he escalated & i froze with fear … gathered my senses slightly … & then took off.

i drove & sobbed for an hour.

this was another piece of the reason i decided to out the filthy cunt.


kpm ©


 

drugs for the pain.

i remember my uterus screaming @ me.

it should’a been screaming @ you yah cunt.


kpm ©


 

Image

photography .196

#bnw #dv #reality #photography #kpm©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

when you said

that you loved me.

did that have anything to actually do with me?

or was that for the crowd too?


kpm ©


 

in a hand basket?

yah know that saying … “something something, hell, something, in a hand basket?”

yeah well its actually (after aunty google’ising) : ‘to hell in a hand basket’, meaning somethings turning into shit faster than expected (my interpretation) …

& where was i going with that …

oh yeah … NZ is in the hand basket, on its why to hell.

yeah.

after ‘the events which transpired last week’ aka, after the mass shooting / terrorism attack by a white supremacist which left 49 people dead … the country is reeling.

seriously. reeling.

but not as you’d think: from my point of view anyways.

reasoning, denial, tokenism & of course, blame, is all settling in.

& i’m tired.


kpm ©


 

“nz is racist AF.”

so says our bro taika waititi.

so, this happened today.

headline: forty-nine dead in mosque mass shooting.

& let the blame games begin.

am i surprised this has happened in clean green new zealand?

fuck No.

& this is all i had to say about that:

“yep ill say it:

this is exactly what NZ is. there is a part of the population that is awake, aware & not racist AF … but the time for letting the other part of the population, that are as racist AF, get away with their racist little snide remarks & their openly cowardice actions … yeah that time was way the fuck over years ago. this is not the first time this soil has seen a ‘culture’ decimated by white men. & today is a wake up call. 

this is not about religion or even politics IMO. its about the notion of superiority. in this case, white superiority. which we all know is some bullshit.

y’all need to get your ‘culture’ in check.”


kpm ©


 

_ . _ man

softly softly, to approach your tender little ass

just in case you have a tantrum.

apparently they’re still relevant in your 40s.

fucker.


kpm ©


 

t.said.

they said it would  be ok.

but it wasn’t.


kpm ©


 

..

i know who the fuck i am.

do you?


kpm ©


 

fyi: don’t grow old

not on this western front anyways.

we despise the old.

much prefer the new.


kpm ©


 

racist af

did i tell yah, that 2 days before the gregorian christmas celebrations, we met the new landlords?

suffice to say, which is not an understatement – but they are as racist AF.

old school racist. ignorant racist. ‘all the cliches’ racist.

i spent about a half hour listening to a tirade of ignorant white woman racist rant.

& it wasn’t pleasant. at all.

what was interesting was that she was completely deluded in her reasoning for us ‘maaris’ being dirty, lazy, unemployed, pregnant & broken. & she didn’t like being corrected or educated or disagreed with. she disliked it so much she broke into the nasty ‘i’m in charge’ white woman that had been lurking beneath the surface, just waiting for me to agree with her bigotry.

but she, & her kind can go get fucked.

turns out, they going to bulldoze the house and rebuild a big fat retirement monstrosity on the land. in the meantime, we can stay until their permits come through.

fuck her and her permits.

which brings me to this:

i’ve decided, even more so than i have been, that i’m not here to explain history or colonisation anymore. i’m not explaining for all first nations people or for black people or for the currently oppressed or incarcerated. i am espousing my intersectional experience & what i will be doing about it from here on out.

backstory: my mama is white. she has blue eyes and light brown hair. she gets served first if we are both standing in line. she is also the person who schooled me on just how fucking racist our country is.

i’ve heard a lot of conversation about how ‘this thing’ is not about racism, or colour because we are all human.

but i’m sorry to say, that that is incorrect.

some people see nothing but colour or more accurately the lack of whiteness. & not all those people are white. my father is a racist piece of shit & he’s darker than me. in his case i can understand that he is a product of old school colonisation. will he ever realise that? i’m uncertain.

my recent experience with this openly racist white woman, has shifted my focus slightly. i’ve made it a mission to stay away from negativity and general cunts whilst i get my pts(d) feng shui tweak on. i’ve got no time for left field cunty behaviour…. & this is where its seems i have gone – a little left field myself.

racism is a reality. one that a shittonne of people choose not to see. white priveledge? maybe. whatever the reason, that is not my main concern. my concern is that these people have absolutely no desire to rectify it. in fact they’re quite content with their beliefs because it suits them.

no matter where i place myself on the spectrum, there are always going to be racist cunts present.

talynne kel, an author whose blog i’ve followed closely for some time, explains it like this :

“So, when white people and Black men get irritated with me and say I’m difficult, it’s usually because I’m not conforming to the behavior they expect from Black women. When white people and Black men say I’m opinionated and argumentative, it’s usually because I don’t fall in line and agree with their bullshit. When white people and Black men say I am intimidating and angry, it’s usually because they couldn’t get me to do something they wanted. And when white people and Black men say that I am uncooperative and not a team player, it’s definitely because I wouldn’t do something they wanted.”

so, this is me. unapologetically brown & not fucking with racist rants anymore.


kpm ©


 

where are they now?

from the moment they said i should ‘feel’ more, i shoulda told them to shut the fuck up.

when they said i needed to be more connected; more in tune with myself. be compassionate and not so cold.

i shoulda told them to go fuck themselves.

but instead: i listened.

& then attempted to be all those things.

but where are these cunts with all the helpful advise now?

offering to hold my hand through the grocery shop as i squint at the lights or shake at the counter? holding me up as i near drop to floor after a car backfires or consoling me as i breakdown in the front seat of the car waiting for the lights to change?

where are these cunts with all the wonderful expectations?

not the fuck here are they!


kpm ©


 

fin.

i don’t do secrets or leave things unfinished. untold.


kpm ©


 

i have a feeling.

ewww, IKR.

but i have this feeling. that i’m going to confront him. do for myself what should have been done for me years & years & years ago.

it makes my gutt turn … but …


kpm ©


 

anger & justice

I’ve been told, through various mediums – societal, religious, familial – most of my life that, anger…or the out working of it….is not an ‘acceptable’ emotion to have or to relay. That we should rid ourselves of all anger and outbursts and live in a more peaceful type, Zen like state. I’ve accepted this theory way too easily I think…reasoning that it is right, because it sounds right.

However….I’m coming to realise, that anger, or the outworking of it, is more ‘uncomfortable’ instead of unacceptable. By uncomfortable, I mean for those around me. When anger is present or being presented, there are the usual tattles in the background from bystanders…”you need to let it go”, “you need to forgive”, “your being irrational and emotional”, “you sound crazy”, “you need to find your happy place”. To name but a few.

But it is accepted that anger turned ‘inwards’ leads to depression. Anger turned ‘outwards’ leads to violence. Why is there no middle ground? Or haven’t I found it yet.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an ‘advocate’ for random violence. I’m just wondering if I’ve been directed away from the middle ground or anything that is remotely associated with laying responsibility for an action, squarely on the shoulders of a perpetrator.

Quite bluntly, why is it that all that rage, that makes everyone in my world feel uncomfortable, including me; isn’t directed at the source of its creation? Why is ‘that person’ not held accountable; held violently accountable actually, for their depravity?

I once had a white South African female GP tell me, with regards to violation, that ‘our kind’ were far to complacent. At first I was offended, by the, “your kind” statement, but what she was actually referring to were the current people of our NZ culture – or white NZ. I just didn’t understand her at the time.

She relayed a general story of sexual violation of a child and the consequences of such an act, from her cultural point of view.

“……if I was raped, as a child or adult, one of a few things would have happened….my grandfather would have killed him, my father would have killed him, my uncles would have killed him….if it was a family member that did the raping…the same thing would happen to them ….if that didn’t transpire, and the rapist managed to get away from the family…he would be dealt with by the courts. But not like here. When they are locked up…for any length of time…it would be common place to make sure that they are placed into a cell with a ‘big’ cell mate, who had full blown AIDS….. ‘You people’ are far too accepting of the unacceptable…”

I got what she meant after that.


kpm ©