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unfucking thyself 101.99

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

99.

The other day I did a long shot of ‘the house I’d been waiting to photograph for like 5-6 years, and decided that that day was the day’ … yeah, well this is the same house, just up closer.

Why?

You’ll see :)

I spoke with my daughter last night. Not a nice conversation really … one of those gutt wrenching fuck with your sleep kinda talks. But this is how I chose to be as a parent … open and fucking honest. It goes both ways … I’ll be as brutally honest as I can, and I expect them to be brutally honest with Me.

Well my girl had grievances about my parenting. *groan*. Yah know its so much easier to have a standard that you don’t have to apply to yourself …

Any way …

My girl is a bit of a ‘late bloomer’ I guess. As in, her sister had vented and vexed most of her frustrations at Me by the time she was 18. My youngest is nearly 25 and she’s only dripped out a few morsels over the past 5 or so years but not too much … until last night. Yep, she had grievances … and they were all founded … all real … all horrible to hear …

What ripped my shit the most was hearing the pain in her voice as she cried. I hate hearing her hurt.

But I listened … and listened … and I wanted to justify myself … give the reasons for being a cunt of a person back then … but I listened, cos I knew she needed to be heard. And when she was done I didn’t apologise, or give justification and told her why I wasn’t giving either of those things … that she was right. That No parent including my blelf, was perfect and that if I could change my ‘mistakes’ or do better, I would … but it is what it is … and it was no slight on Her as a person … just Me, an adult, being a dick.

She got it and I know she felt relieved for being able to vent and be heard.

I felt better for her … but came away feeling like shit lol.

Oh the shit we go through … I would love to be able to say I did everything right … and that everything I experienced was just peachy too … but that aint the truth. It just seems that the older I get, the more I understand that there is No right way to Life … Not at all.

We’re all running around trying to minimise the damage somehow … when in all reality, sometimes theres beauty and growth in the damage. Not that I’m wishing for damage, for anyone … but we all call this shit ‘damage’, we see that shit as ‘being damaged’ … when really … it just is what it is.

Like this house :)

Would I clean it up if I could? No … cos then the photograph wouldn’t have that ‘thing’ to it that I like. Some would see ‘damage’ … I see worn, lived in, loved.

<3

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re write ~ twenty seven

“you just have to get used to it …”

really? because you got used to it? or cos you think i should be just like you?

Or … is there another reason?

being seven…1979

I’ve been awake since like 430am, with this irritation in my gutt … not the physical kind, but the ‘wairua’ kind, so just trying to roll with it and not irritate myself even more ;)

Been thinking bout this post … and old friends … fuck ups … parenting … but i’ll address the latter somewhere else another time and just stick to this shit for now ay … not like it’s not enough!

So this was First Published on: Jun 6, 2015 @ 20:03.

As I read through it I can feel and see my ‘dissociative’ self (gangstah woman that she is ;) ) doing the ‘facts’ … the bullet points … and I tell yah what, that shit has got Me through hell’ah tough times … not always to my benefit, but I live to tell the tale.

Seven wasn’t a shitfest I guess .. but I’ve come to learn, theres no right way to do a shitfest … you just roll through it and hope not too much sticks to yah. Unfortunately a lot of this shit did stick and I am still washing it off … The adults around me (i get this Now), did the best with what they knew and what they had, at the time.

I mean really, is their a right way to explain death let alone suicide to a child? And is there a right way to meet the father of your dreams only to find out his a douche?

Love and Light xo


I don’t know what seven is like. Small? From my view point now, yup.

But, I do remember stuff.

The good uncle topped himself. There was lots and lots of crying. I could feel the tension….I remember it very clearly.

He hadn’t come home. They couldn’t find him. He had been at the pub.

‘if only’….heard it a lot.

But he didn’t come home. They found him…

…..I remember….

….by the train tracks….down the side….the train had stopped….it stopped cos it hit something….

I remember the funeral. We viewed him before the service started.

He looked asleep.

From where I stood – he looked quiet…too quiet…and very very still. He wasn’t usually that still. Or that quiet.

And he was clean. Clothes that I hadn’t ever seen him in. He had a big plaster looking thing on his face.

I wondered if we were going to wake him. I thought …. we will with all this crying. And it’s such a strange place for him to go to sleep.

I didn’t really understand. Not death. Not the tears.

But I felt their sadness…their heaviness.

And he never woke up. And he never came home.

And I missed him. And I still do.

And when I get to see him again, the second thing I’m going to do to him after I’ve given him a huuuu-mungeous hug….is slap him! How dare he be so sad that he take away his life from us….from me. How dare he.

I still love him though.

So being seven kind of sucked….

but I also remember moving to a really big ass house, with other people in it…some of them were freaks! There was a little girl there…I couldn’t stand her…tormenting bitch.

But I remember her mother…who was a drug fucked freak…rehabilitated supposedly….enjoying a new life with the church…amen ….well she took me somewhere with her kid (the annoying bitch), in their little car…and we ended up over the side of a cliff…I remember blood on my leg and feeling really tired…and I remember my little gumboots….and walking up the hill…and to a strangers house…where ‘Planet of the Apes’ was on TV. I don’t remember getting home. But I must have.

I remember wanting to meet my father at seven. And I got too. He showed up with his wife and my sister. I thought he would love me and love me even more because he had missed me.

Apparently not.

Turns out he was a drunk. And still a wife beater.

The holiday was ratshit.

I learnt about looking after myself some more. But this time I had a younger sister to take care of. We were alone a lot of the time. And when they were home…they were fighting…and then he’d leave…and i’d wait wait wait till he got home. The only reason I knew it was late, was because all the programs that I was never allowed to watch, were on. He was always drunk. And when he wasn’t drunk, we were waiting for him to get out of the pub, or waiting for him to finish golf. = wonder if this is why I absolutely hate waiting! And hate golf! lol

And when I got back from that ‘holiday’…our house had burnt down and I lost all my things.

I remember my ears aching a lot. I remember crying. I remember not sleeping.

So seven…abit shit I suppose.

I’m beginning to think…

“no wonder your a little fucked up” –  hhhmmmmm genius lol

But, I remember my Grandfather too….he loved me…I loved him.

[[As a side thing….’Seven’, is my favourite movie ;)]]

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unfucking thyself 101.97

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

97.

Still celebrating the wins …

Funny … when you’re looking for them hard out they don’t seem to ever come. But when you’re just plodding along doing your thang, a lot of things seem to become a ‘Win’ ;)

Today we found out that we’ve got till the end of the year before our landlords put the house on the market.

On it’s own it sounds very unlike a Win lol. But it is … believe Me.

Last time a rental house we were living in got sold, it was an utter mess. We had only just settled in at the beach; I had just been diagnosed; my partner had just discovered a lump in his back and our landlords were fuckwitts lol. In hindsight though, there was no good time for any of that shit to happen! On a personal level though, it completely rattled my nerves having people come through the house whilst it was being sold … yah know, the whole intrusive buzz.

But this time round with this house, we’ve made a tentative plan, had a little freak out, had a little moan about it and then ‘actively’ relaxed. Because last time it worked out just fine … Not as I expected or in the timeframe I wanted … but it worked out. So this time, I didn’t see the point in getting my shit worked up about something I couldn’t change or do anything about.  We have lovely landlords, the kind that aren’t greedy or overbearing …  so they’ve partially renewed our faith in humanity lol, so thats another Win ;)

So we contacted them yesterday just to check to see where they’re at and if they’re still selling in June, and they told us they’d decided to wait till the end of the year. It would have been great to hear … ‘we’re not selling at all …’ but that didn’t happen … and it kinda feels like it’s time to move on …

But the Win Wins, are we don’t have to move Yet … which is cool because it’s turning out to be a busy fucking year … well for Me anyways. I feel like I’m just starting to get a handle on my shit and get some momentum going and it’d be nice to keep that going and not have to move as well … just yet. It also gives us abit of time to organise our shit better, figure out whether we want to stay in this town or move on, and save some money. Rents have sky rocketed round here … actually all over NZ really … like by nearly 50%, so we won’t get something for the amount we’re paying now; but I figure that just means we get to look at alternative options.

And in it all, I feel Ok.

Today I feel Ok.

Thats a Win … and I’ll take it :)

re write ~ twenty five

“oh, it’ll be alright …”

you know this, how?

*said by those who have no reliable evidence but want the recipient to Stop Asking Questions”

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guess what guess what!!

I drove the Car today!

All by my fucking self!!!

I know right … I am very pleased with myself :)

I was going to a friends house today for a coffee and a catch up, which on its own was a huge fucking deal. My mate was ready for my nerves etc and was so good to Me … she made her home (her home!) as comfortable as she thought I’d need … soothing music, lighting and neutral, calming smells!

I so appreciated that! I haven’t had any one do that for Me for … for like, ever!! xo

I was a little nervous about going … but thats Me ay ….

And just before I was due to leave my partner says “you driving there?” … which I think was a bit of a piss take … and I thought about it and said … “Yes”.

And the rest is history.

Yes, it was only a few minutes away, but I haven’t driven by myself for over 5 years!!

I cried all the way from our driveway to hers lol. Not because I was upset but because I was doing it!!! It felt extremely fucking liberating! Not quite ready for the open road, but today I am taking the wins that I have!!!

This is Me in my mates driveway and the picture is terrible cos I was shaking and crying lol … good shaking and good crying though. When I got to the front door I was still in tears … I was happy and proud and happy lol … happy to be there … be cared about and feel fucking ‘normal’ … well My #NewNormal anyway xoxo

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unfucking thyself 101.93

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

93.

Cos I haven’t been taking pics like I was … I’m nearly all tapped out on the fresh photograph front … so heres a re-use, and btw it’s my little icon thingy … and for those that thought it was a big white dot … it is: It’s called the Moon ;)

So this mindfulness thing hasn’t really got anything to do with the moon … but if you can find a deep spiritual connection between the 2, go for it ;)

Now, this is going to sound critical and judgey but oh well … it is whats on my mind at the moment …

Today … I’ve had a guts full of those well meaning self-help – advice bullshit bastards that are dishing out the navel gazing, westernised deep meditation advice and ‘how toos’ … like its a new thing! Like its their invention and that they came up with the shit in the first place.

Usually I can sift through and take what I need from all of this stuff, but I fell upon an article about chakras and realignment etc and part the way through reading it, I was thinking, this sounds familiar … aside from the eastern arts that ‘it’ came from …

I had a look through one of my old note books from a lady that teaches our RomiRomi …

And yes, lo and behold what do I find in there … the breathing, the balancing, the realigning of our ‘waters’ / or our energies.

It’s all ancient. It’s all what we were prior to being colonised and consumerised … and I aint just talking about the brown peeps … I’m talking all Indigenous. Because we all were once.

It annoys Me. Well today it annoys Me. Tomorrow I’ll hopefully be able to roll with it again. And my point:

Acknowledge those that have gone before you …  the ancients and their wisdom … whether it be from your culture or someone elses. Acknowledge that … acknowledge them. Your fat head didn’t come up with that shit on your own. JS.

xo

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yes: i’m congratulating myself … again …

Think I said the other day I was off to spend the day with my Mama … going for a little road trip … and Yes of course I was nervous.

Always fucking nervous … thats Me.

Yes, I sedated. Yes, I shook and walked around in circles for at least an hour. Yes, I wondered if I should pull the plug.

But No … I did Not.

Decided to do selfies this time ;)

Lucky Chucks applied … Favourite Jacket donned … and comfy Undies on lol … Note: don’t go anywhere in uncomfortable grutts if your an anxiety ridden fucker … it makes matters 100% worse!

#YourWelcome

I had 1 thing I wanted to do in town, to do with my photographs for the exhibition.

Whilst thats a simple matter for others, its a mind-bending-fucker for Me.

But lucky Chucks applied … and my Mama to help Me … we got there. I made sure I had all my bits and pieces as per usual (orange, water, ice pack, knife, meds, earphones, ear plugs, sunglasses …) and made sure I wore my sunglasses inside and the ear plugs too.

What I was trying to achieve this time round too, was getting used to the noises, smells and sights, gradually. So when we got in the shop and I could feel the ‘heavy’ of all the bright lights and all the plastic smells, the people smells and a few other foul mixtures in there … I sniffed my orange and waited (theres that word again arrghhh) for my senses to adjust … instead of taking off immediately. They did adjust to some; others, not so much.

But I talked to the lady behind the counter and asked the questions I wanted … and Mama helped and filled in when I forgot or couldnt get my head round it all … It was cool!! The tagteam effort I mean! It took a little while, but we got it done.

Heres the proof lol.

I managed to hang around while Mama got the things she needed too :)

When we were done we headed off again.

We stopped for a coffee … *pause for a big grin lol* … I love coffee!

The place we stopped was noisy as fuck so I left my ear plugs in. The smell of the diesel and petrol from the traffic was slightly overwhelming but I managed. Again … I tried to wait and let my senses adjust.

We finally got to the beach (its the beach about an hour away from ours … same coastline but further south).

Slight digression: We managed the new motorway bullshit … suffice to say, I didnt like it … at all … (neither did Mama ;) ) but I managed it … But, WTF NZ? What are we doing motorways like that for? … in NZ? I mean really, we’re as small as fuck as a country and we’ve just run a huge ass motorway through the middle of what was some pristine looking countryside …

Anywho, back to the beach …  it was my kind of weather … dark, cold, rainy and calming as fuck on the senses!!!

Here she is in all the B&W glory that I love:

And one in colour :)

Mama said she was proud of Me. And  I was fucking proud of Me!

I want to start doing this more … just a little bit at a time.

Post-day out, my sinuses are overloaded, my head aches and my body is aching. It was worth it! But it’s also made Me aware that the more I do, the more it’ll effect my body … gives Me something else to work on and towards though.

So heres to Me and all my gangstah-ness LOL!

Love and light peeps … love and light xo