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unfucking thyself 101.45

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

45.

Mindfulness lesson 101 … thought shalt not drink shit coffee! Just say NO to the instant crap! It really isn’t coffee … it’s coffee flavoured shit in a jar.

This, my mindful peeps, is the goodness.

Casa is rich and full-bodied … a blend of Arabica and Robusta. Not to bitter, not to tarty, if you know what I mean.

This is the shizz 😉

Today I am mindfully sipping and appreciating the shit out of every mouthful of my 1.5 cups of Casa coffee.

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ummm … and then this happened!

Thankyou … every single one of you delightful human beings …

even the trolls … and even the spammers … and even the dude trying to sell penis enlargements (fyi, word to the wise, yah might wanna try your own supplements first before selling … I don’t think they work!).

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unfucking thyself 101.32

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

32.

Although I’m not a ‘religious’ person per se, and really, actually dislike religion … theres certain aspects of ‘cultural practices’ re meditating or mindfulness, that I do take note of and actually Like.

Prayer beads and meditation seem to go hand in hand for the ‘ancients’; so when a friend of a friend went to to Thailand last year, they asked Me if I wanted something.

I asked for wooden ‘monk’ beads.

The ‘friend’ was unsure why or what that even meant. Everyone else had asked for gadgets or clothing or something ‘tourist-y’. I wanted something authentic to their cultural practices.

What I got back was something in between I think. And I’m not sure the monks would ‘approve’ but Oh Well lol.

But what they remind Me of, is the many facets of cultural beliefs there are in  this world. That No One way is right, but is right for those that practice them.

And what a truly beautiful thing that is.

If I can borrow the OM and they can borrow the Haka, then isn’t that what it’s all about? Learning and appreciation each others differences?

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unfucking thyself 101.31

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

31.

Bit of a cheat today with the 2 photographs, but 1 wasn’t doing it for Me.

In my clean out the other day I had to figure out what to do with these beauties: potential rubbish bin material?

Well, I could not do it:

Heres why ..

These are macro shots of my Nans recipes. Even though they are old and largely illegible … they are my Nans essence ❤ In this shot I can ‘see’ her love and beauty; her patience with us; her creativity and her wisdom. I miss her. And these little pieces of paper made my mindfulness-ness sort of teary, but happy.

I am privileged to have had a Nan in my life, right up until I was in my 30s. Not to many people can say that. My children had a Great-Nan but she departed this world before her great great grandchildren were born.

Memories come with all sorts of things … bits of paper; handwritten scribbles; recipes; smells; words … flavours.

I love my Nan for everything she gave Us girls. She was / is the epitome of strength and resilience.

Today the shout out mindfulness spot goes to my Nan.

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mauri of me #49 ~ recapping #1

It occurred to Me the other day, theres only like, a few more weeks of my “mauri of me” section, if I’ve actually added shizz up correctly … I have been known to miscount shit … many many times … numbers are not my strong point 😉

So … over the next couple of weeks I’m going to recap sections of what I’ve been over throughout the year … theres quite a few 😉

As a reminder though – This is what this section was designed for:

I realised part way through last year, that I don’t really understand the strength in Me, that has gotten Me this far. Oh, I get it; in increments … but I don’t really, really GET IT. And I think that if I got it, then I wouldn’t give myself such a hard time. The love, acceptance and encouragement that I have pumped into my kids and mokos over the years … yeah, well some of that needs to be pumped into Me.

So, this “who I really Am” thing; this essence thing … is called “Mauri”:

mauri
1. (noun) life principle, vital essence, special nature, a material symbol of a life principle, source of emotions – the essential quality and vitality of a being or entity. 

It is my hope, my attempt; that as I unfold and inspect who I am; my Mauri; I will be able to reconcile this element of Me.

What I’ve noticed is that a few distinct themes or ‘strains’ of being have presented themselves throughout this segment; those strains being the things that really are my ‘essence’ or character … the things that make Me, Me 😉

  1. Family – Whanau

These peeps mean more to Me than I can express at times, especially the mokos. But for Me, those that have left this physical world, still play a huge role in my life. I don’t look at them as not being around, even though I know they physically aren’t. In my world, they’ll always be here … always be a part of Me.

2. Resistance

I have a huge aversion to bullshit and I call it as I see it … it doesn’t make Me completely right, but seldom wrong 😉

3. Honesty

Go’s hand in hand with the aversion to bullshit I guess … but my brand of honesty, I have discovered, is a rare thing. It’s the type of honesty that says what it means, at home and outside of home.

4. Clarity

Theres a process that happens when clarity is being sought, but like a dog with a bone, by fuck I’ll find it. And once found I can peel back the layers and get to the fucking point of it all 😉

5. Script flipper

This is all about changing the narrative; learning and growing. This is the thing thats changing my perspective on pts(d) and learning to live ‘with’ it.

So …

Whanau:

My fams are my roots; living and dead, they ‘make’ Me what I am – the structure of what I am: the good and the bad.

My grandparents have been like my parents really, and I am forever grateful for my Grandad and Grandmother for loving Me like only Grandparents can. Even when my biological father was ‘unavailable’, they were always there … always loving Me.

My Mama … ahhh my beautiful Mama … I can appreciate all that she is now and I am eternally grateful for all the She is. She’s taught Me perseverance and fortitude … response and strength. I love her like No other ❤

My beautiful girls … well they are truly amazing creatures … You know when you’ve done something 100% right? Well this is them … warts and all, they absolutely perfect!

My brother … well, he is something amazing alright … hugely talented and a tower of inspiration. I don’t know any other man that is quite as profound as he is … and I love him to bits!

Then theres my beautiful mokos, One, Two, Three and Four … and of course our latest edition … Number 5 🙂 Grandbabies do something quite special to your world; they change the perspective on everything. There is No amount of love that can describe these gorgeous little individuals ❤

And then theres my partner … holy shit balls … we’ve had some rough years broken up with some good times … it feels like the rough is finally paying off and we’re seeing or appreciating something different in our relationship. He still has the ability to fuck Me off like No other … but he also has the ability to understand Me like No other … when he’s not being a douche of course 😉 Yeah, I love him 😉

I guess families … no matter how they look … have the ability to make and break Us. For Me, there had been so much crap to wade through with the sexual assault, that I had missed the good memories … I hadn’t completely appreciated each individual and their worth … the things that they do to make up my feng shui in a good way.

This year I’ve been able to see those things … appreciate those things and learn to love, even the things, that fuck Me off (or past tense: have fucked Me off), about those people. Even the old father … if nothing else, I am grateful for the swimmers he produced that help create Me 😉

I love my family (except my father … I have an appreciation of his input, but thats it 😉 ) and all that they are. I’m appreciate their patience Of Me; their learning of who I am and their Love of Me being Me ❤

the fam mess ❤

me and my mama

My relationship with my Mama has been tentative and sometimes extremely volatile over the years.

When I was little I wanted a Mother that was like all the others appeared to be. I wanted love like everyone else seemed to get. I wanted understanding like I thought other kids got from their mothers.

I pretty much wanted my mother to be different than she was. Not all of her, just the bits I didn’t like.

As the years have gone on, and I had my own children, I still wanted her to be different. I still wanted her to understand me differently.

I also despised her for not protecting me.

Little did I realise then, and have only come to realise recently, that I am guilty of doing to my mother what I don’t like others doing to me.

Wanting me to be different than I am.

And you know what … when I stopped wanting her to be different than she was, I got to see her real beauty, not just tokenly appreciate the things she had done for me.

You see, my Mama is quite an amazing person when I stopped wanting something else … when I actually took a step back and looked at her properly.

Not only did she raise 2 children on her own in spite of the hurdles she had faced with both mine and my brothers fathers … she chased, exorcised, actively sought after and conquered her own demons whilst raising us.

I’ve learnt over the years, that theres a huge difference between parenting well and seeking out the ‘better’ … for yourself and your children … whilst you are nursing your own wounds. And we all carry wounds. No-one is immune to that. And that is what my Mama did. She strived for better, from herself and from us. From me. All her, what I perceived then as criticism, was her way of getting me to think about what I was doing and where I was going. She wanted better for me.

As for not protecting me … I’ve also come to realise that she did all she could and all she knew to do to protect me. She is not accountable for another persons filthy wretched being. She’s not accountable for another persons actions. They are.

I recently helped my Mama move from her little house to another. She’s just retired and her new place is about 15 minutes away from me. In another lifetime that would have been horrid. But now, I embrace it. In fact I absolutely love having her down the road and round the corner from us.

Over the last few days I’ve helped her unpack and de-clutter / re-organsie her living space. I’m good at that sort of shit. Really good. But what was even better was spending time with her.

As we went through all her things, we did this process I do so it’s easier for those that don’t want to let things go, let things go. We look at every item and do a practical count of things; if theres more than 2 things we have to look at what they’re all there for. Usually its got to do with memories. With each item, my Mama had a memory attached to it. I heard all her stories of all the things she held memories of. The things that were the most memorable, or that she absolutely loved, those things she kept and put on display instead of hiding them in a box. I think she enjoyed the process instead of it being painful. I used to criticise her for her clutter and disorganisation, because I didn’t like it and I wanted her to be different. But by the time we were finished, I got to see the beauty in all the things that she loves.

I love my Mama. I appreciate her deeply, now, for who she is.

She is amazingly intelligent; holds a degree; has completed some brilliant research; has gone back to study to pursue her love of art; she is a beautiful artist; a gritty activist; she’s a devoted and loyal woman with a deep deep passion for what is just and what is right; she abhors injustice and greed.

What more could anyone want in a role model and in a Mama?

Lastly, my Mama has always lived on the bones of her ass. I didn’t realise how much so until I lost my income and had to look at how I spent money; what I actually needed versus what I wanted; what was really important. Mama always fed us and clothed us; she always paid her bills and still had money left over to give to others. She sewed and bottled; baked and cooked; she saved and spent less. She was always careful about where every penny went. But I don’t recall her ever complaining about being broke … she just got on with it.

And while I have always heard people complain about the amount you receive when you retire and how little it is … because my dear dear Mama has learnt to live on virtually nothing all her adult life … retirement looks like manna from heaven. Most people would sniff at 30 or 40 dollars ‘extra’, but my Mama is living large … for her, she has hit the jackpot. Mama has never drank or smoked or eaten exotic foods or bought exotic clothing … she’s never gone on expensive overseas holidays or ordered overpriced gadgets to ease her ego; she’s never bought a brand new car or a brand new anything for that matter … she’s always lived minimally. And now … she can buy an extra block of cheese, and her favourite fruits, and some raw milk, and a steak … she can go for a coffee at the cafe if she chooses and buy an extra pot plant if she wants … she can even give the mokos a few dollars if she wants.

For all these reasons and a shitload more … I am forever grateful that my Mama is my Mama. That she is the perfect Mama for me. That I still have her here to enjoy. That she is close enough for my crusty anxiety ridden ass to get to every week. That I’ve figured out how important she is and can enjoy every moment with her, now.

Love you my Mama xoxo

***

First Published on: Jun 1, 2016 @ 00:06 ❤ ❤ ❤

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oh yeah …

I Like My Friends.

They’re Gangstah 🙂

‘Me’

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365 reasons to smile ~ 273.

273. Remembering and appreciating the fact that I have the right to vote in our Local Council Elections … as a woman and as an Indigenous woman … this right, has not always been a given. But I am eternally grateful for all those that have gone before me so I now am able to do this. And a little reminder for me, to tell my mokos that this right is also theirs because of all those that fought for that right, long before they were even a twinkle in their Mama and Papas eyes 😉

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long gone

none of it lasts long

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before you know it

it’s all gone

long gone

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love

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today

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you

.

may

.

not

.

have

.

tomorrow

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365 reasons to smile ~ 185.

185. I woke up this morning and was sitting outside in this freezing cold weather … as I do … and I had another one of those ‘moments’…

Where I feel grateful and appreciative of where I am … who I am … right now.

Even though shits been a little rough over the last little while … I am still OK. I love our whare (house), and where I live … I love hearing the waves crash everyday all day … I love the fresh salt air … I love being able to walk round the corner and see tangaroa (the ocean) at his finest …

I think I feel content.

So this moment, at this time … who I am … makes me smile 🙂