I had a ‘moment’ last night:
- I wont call them anything but a ‘moment’ now .. they’ve taken up to much space
A sniff of residue … hint of a flashback … one that’s probably been waiting for a very long time to make its way to the forefront of my mind’s eye.
Think I wrote a post, or made a comment on someone elses post, awhile ago … about your body, mind … remembering things when its good and ready … that there’s not really any need (for me anyway) to go digging around for ‘memories’ to deal with … I mean, for fucks sakes, who needs more stress???
And I guess I have had a rather long ‘rest’ in terms of pts(d) flashback occurrences. Not that they don’t happen … I just know what to do (for some of them) when they do happen now …
But this …
It’s been floating around on the outskirts of my dreams … my mind … my memories for a while. I haven’t actively ignored it … but I haven’t actively sought it out either!
I’d say I got ‘screen one’. I’m hoping that’s all. But I know it’s not.
I won’t fear it …
It made me cry. But I don’t want to shed anymore tears over it. But I haven’t quite yet harnessed all that anger that is lurking in the back of minds eye as well!
All these years … it’s been silent. My memories. I see pictures. Remember smells. I hear an occasional ‘bump’, but not voices.
Last night … I heard him speak. I had forgotten that he spoke. Questioned. Conversated.
The pedo cunt, ‘engaged’ with his prey.
He lured. Gained trust. Through language. Through conversation.
He tried to gain compliance. He did gain compliance.
And last night, I heard his filthy voice.
Not here. But back then.
What ripped my world though; was it came when I was having a moment with my partner. How fucking cruel is that.
I logically know enough now, to know that it isn’t my partner. That he could have done nothing differently. That because I was having a ‘safe’ moment, that little flashback fucker was able to make its way to the forefront.
That in itself is a good thing. Because its here now … in the here and now … I can deal with it. I have more at my disposal to deal with it than I ever have had before.
Does that make it better? Fuck no.
The whole thing is stewing / coagulating in my insides. I feel like my head is going to explode! But I know it’s already been and gone … this is just the residue. The ‘sniff of’ what was.
I despise that pedo cunt more than I ever have before.
How dare he mess with my world! With Me!
I have no interest in trying to understand the sick fuck anymore. I do hope he dies a slow miserable death though.
*In other news*
Some of my art goes on display today. Part of a larger exhibition
for strong women that are finding their voices –
post all that shit that keeps us weighed down.
I think the anticipation of this
may have nudged the ‘flasher’
out of its hiding place.
But I am here.
I am doing life.
I am kick ass fucking mad.
so looking forward to more