. . . . . ..

awkward times ..

i dont like it.


kpm ©


 

x2.

my body feels like screaming. not my mouth. my body.

my soul feels like running. not my body. my soul.


kpm ©


 

awkward ass epiphany, per se.

& i aint quite got it yet …

but, as i was assembling my shit this morning (yes, as awkward as it sounds lol), i could hear little voices in my head. not the psycho-killer kind, but im sure they’re lingering lol … no, this was like an echo.

as i went to pick up the teacup (the one i posted a pic of recently), i could hear my head say: “dont break it”. it stopped me in my tracks & i felt my chest tighten.

i ended up having this longwinded fucking dissection – wait – dissection of thoughts go on for far to fucking long for my liking … with the upshot being, i drank out of that teacup, more out of defiance than anything else; whilst trying to tell myself that i was enjoying it because it was nans teacup & she’s dead now so this is like a cool little celebration of her …

ffs …

& there it was.

i had turned into some new age fucking guru wanna-be, who turned everything into a fucking teaching & learning moment.

what the fuck happened?

& another little echo in my head says: cos youre an idiot.

& that made me laugh.

it wasn’t a criticism to make one curl up in the corner & rock backwards & forwards: it was MY still inner voice, who i might add, is usually pretty on point, resilient & somewhat gangstah.

i get her.

& somehow or other i think i’ve stifled her. not just the long historical silencing *eyeball roll inserted*, but more recently, a sort of shushing, that i dont usually do.

so i picked up the teacup, a.gain, poured my tea into it & guess what?

the fucker broke.

thats right, the fragile fine china that nan had quietly collected for fucking years & i’d been to scared to drink out of, or even touch for that matter … it broke.

interesting turn of events:

i felt relieved.

cos even though it broke, the rest of the world didn’t break with it. & neither did i.

what nan couldn’t say when we were younger, was that she loved that china & she  didn’t want us to touch it, look at it, move anywhere near it lol, cos it was HERS & it was precious to her. instead, her only way of defending her turf was to say, ‘dont touch it, you’ll break it’, which is more a statement indicating that we were someway deficient. not just cos of this one incident, but because thats how our family related.

“dont do such in such … you’ll break it … you’ll end up dead … you’ll go to hell …”

feel me?

there’s no middle ground. theres no learning. theres no ownership. theres no responsibility.

theres no fucking care.

just defence.

& thats what i’ve internalised.

& now i know, i know better.

nan just wanted her own space. & so do i. i just want to do me, be me, without having to fucking apologise or justify it or reason it out or have some deep psychological reason for it.

i want to be able break a fucking cup, by accident or otherwise, & it be ok.

whew.


kpm ©


 

awks

is ‘awkward’ an emotion?

cos i’m feeling it.


kpm©


 

hi

hi.

i enjoy

music,

food,

and art.

i’m socially

awkward

but looking

for

a partner

in crime …

Shit,

wrong site, my bad.


kpm©


 

<

on other peoples blogs / posts / twitter / ig, ‘Fuck’ appears as

f*ck

f%#k

fcuk

f**k (excuse my language).

.

do they not know how to spell fuck?


thats it. ’twas a joke. IKR.


kpm©


 

family time

I decided to go stay with my daughters and the mokos the other day. Just for a catch up. I also think I was excited from my trip away with my Mama and that I could actually do it! I wanted to see what else I could do – stretch my limits so to speak.

And I loved it … I got to see moko 4 … lots of cuddles and stories :) And my youngest daughter … I hadn’t caught up with either of them after they returned from up north a few weeks ago.

Mokos 1, 2 and 3 … well they were their beautiful selves as well! Moko 1 has been playing the drums since he could walk and set up an elaborate construction of pots and pans on the floor and bash the living shit out of them … and now, at 8 years old, he has his own little drum kit and is having lessons. And now he’s teaching Me :) And guess what?? I think I’ve found my thing! You know, that thing that makes everything alright??!!! Yeah, well it turns out I’m not half bad! And I love bashing the living shit out of those things and making some kind of semblance of ‘music’ ;) So a set of drums is now on the ‘wish list’ slash ‘save for list’. My neighbours will be thrilled LOL.

Moko 1 is a deep wee soul too … he’s a thinker … thinks outside the box. He makes me smile :)

Then theres Moko 2. Whoaza! Miss 7 … oh, how to describe Miss 7 … sensitive – pushes the boundaries – pushes the buttons – knows the weak points in anothers personality – caring – empathetic (way beyond her years) – stroppy – vocal …

She’s gorgeous and she’s recently discovered a love for gymnastics. Not only is she extremely good it, but she loves it. You know how cool it is to see someone you love find their groove? Especially so early on in life! And for Miss 7, rhythm, dance, movement, design … these are all her things … that add to the beauty that is her :)

Moko 3 … well … she has the straightest face I’ve ever seen on a child. Piercing eyes … enough to make a grown man feel awkward. You know how proud I am of that skill LOL! And she knows what she wants … she’s nearly 3, and is very sure of what she likes and dislikes … likes, being chocolate and The Fast and The Furious LOL … dislikes, being loud noises and someone in her face! She reminds me a lot of her Mama :)

Moko 4 … has just turned 2. What a little madam :) Very cute … very particular … very much in her own groove; giving her Mama a run for her money … and now they’re living with my eldest daughter, Moko 4 is finding a whole new confidence … you know the kind that has ‘back up’. When Mama says No, she has Aunty and Uncle and Cousins she can run to, drop her lip and point to the top shelf where the ‘bic-its’ (biscuits) are, and they’ll get them for her LOL. Extremely resourceful darling :)

So, an enjoyable couple of days with everyone.

I survived … I conquered … I stretched myself … I had a couple of ‘moments’, but nothing to warrant medication ;)

And guess what?

I’m fucking exhausted now LOL!!!


kpm ©


 

am I autistic then?

I had an interesting conversation with my partner yesterday. I was about to go for a walk…always a bit of a build up for that…and I was feeling abit anxious on it. So I diverted to another topic…our neighbour.

We’ve got bloody good neighbours. Small town and everyone’s kind of either up in each others business via the community grapevine; or they never leave their houses…or so I’ve been told, via the community grapevine. My kind of peoples :)

Anyway, conversation started with me asking him why my ‘encounters’ with our neighbour seem…well…awkward.

Me – “It feels like they want something else”

Him – “They do. They’re trying to be friendly…get to know you”

Me – “Why?”

Him – “Because that’s what neighbours do”

Me – “Why?”

Him – “They’re trying to be nice…socialise…as neighbours”

Me – “Why?”

Him – “Because if they get to know you better they’ll have more to talk about next time”

Me – “Why do we need to talk about anything? I don’t get it”

Him – he sits down at this point. And I have to give him props…he’s definitely come along way since our early days, when he used to just bark at me and tell me I was being a snobby obnoxious bitch. “Because dear, that’s what people do. They talk to one another, they get to know one another, they relate to each other. Then they have more in common and more to talk about next time”

Me – “Huh? I get that…but I don’t get why? We’re neighbours, which means we reside next door to one another. We’re not friends. We wave, that’s polite. We say good morning, that’s polite. But the rest of it seems…like fake bullshit”

Him – “It is sort of. But if we go away, or if the power goes off, or if there’s a flood or something…guess whose going to check on us?”

Me – “Ohhh, Ok. Isn’t that just using them though?”

Him – “That’s why we build that relationship with them. So we have an unspoken understanding”

Me – “So why don’t they just say that then? Why don’t we just say that?”

Him – “I think it’s just the unwritten rules of being social. And that’d be an awkward conversation don’t you think?”

Me – “Mmmmm. Not really. At least we’d know where each other is coming from”

Him – “Your very blunt my darling. But not everyone else is like you. I think you scare them a little. But that’s alright. Youre just being yourself”

Me – “Oh. I still don’t really get it. But Ok. How about you do the socialising then and I’ll just lurk in the background”

Him – “I do already”

Me – “So…Do you think I’m autistic then?”

Him – “I don’t think so. Your definitely one of kind though”

Me – “Thanks dear”


kpm©