baby ~ brandy

baby ~ brandy, 1994

Dear Baby Girl

“On and on, i just keep on trying, and i smile when i feel like crying .” (by Aswad).

I’d sing you that to put you to sleep. A bit of a mantra for myself i suppose. But it worked every time. I loved holding you while you slept and yes i am responsible for you wanting your head patted every night…still. I selfishly enjoyed those moments because they were mine and yours, alone.

As it all went along, i still loved you. Immensely and immeasurably. I wanted to protect you from everything including me. I am so sorry if you felt abandoned or forgotten. You never did anything wrong and you could have never altered the outcome.

I have to make peace with all the demons that were put there long before you came along. I need to let go of the guilt and the hatred i have for myself for letting you down, letting you go. I have to make peace, with all of me, and you are part of me.

You are my first born and I am grateful that those that helped raise you, did an amazing job. They broadened your view. They taught and loved and cared and loved. They helped make you who you are today, as a woman, and as a mother. I am forever grateful.

But you were growen in me. And you are my baby. My first born baby girl. And that is something noone has ever or can ever take away from Me, or you. I grew you. I birthed you.

And i did good. Really really good. Because you are perfect.

Love you my girl