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the hormones.

Hmmm what to say about the blessed hormones at the moment ??

Well …

  1. I’m due for my period according to my trusty calendar
  2. However, due to the fact that my memory is a shit collective at present, it is quite likely that I’ve entered the wrong ‘finish’ date and thus the wrong ‘start’ date has popped up.
  3. Yes. Thats what I’ve done forever, to map my little periodical hormones / symptoms etc etc.
  4. So boobs are starting to ache and that is a sure sign of impending period-ness.
  5. I’m shitty as fuck … but that could be period or meno-pausical symptoms ;)
  6. My ears keep popping, and the vertigo is off the charts at the mo.

Ahhh, so thats what I was going to ramble about, was the vertigo situation.

It gets worse around pre-period time even though the blessed doctor says my hormones have nothing to do with the vertigo situation; I think he’s all cack … and having never had a period himself, how the fuck is he supposed to tell Me that I am wrong … Pfft.

So, menopause wise … it kinda go-figures that if my normal is vertigoy at period time, then it would do the same at menopausal time .. Right?

Right.

So working on this theory … and having spent the last 2 days flat on my back (for a lot of the day anyways) or in some lotusy type position on the floor … the dizzy, vertigo feeling should pass within the next few days and return on the odd occasion just like a hot flush … hmmm

Right?

Right.

But just to throw a spanner in my theoretical works, I’ve realised that with the lessening of cigarettes, I am thusly coughing up some amazing looking gunk and my sinuses are doing some freaking shit which throws out my physical balance aka more fucking vertigo …. sooooo …

It could also be plausible that when all nicotine and other such shit is outta my system … and my sinuses and lungs have thusly adjusted … and my natural feng shui has returned to that of a 11 year old (when I started smoking … ), I could be feeling abit more balanced???

Right?

Right.

Well fucking hope so …

So, until I figure out abit more … Cheers to all biological women and their biological-ness ;) Yous have my sympathies and undying admiration!


kpm ©


 

its busy … and its changing …

We’ve had peoples here over the last week … first the mokos, and thats always good … they’re the light of my sometimes rather dim life. They’ll be back weekly while their Mama and Papa are at work, until they start school again.

They had just left the other day and another lot of relatives showed up for ‘lunch’ and stayed for the night / day instead.

Now usually this would throw Me completely … but this time was slightly different. And duly noted my Moi.

I decided that my partner could ‘bridge the gap’, so to speak, since he was the one that offered for the bridge to be open in the first place ;) Now this meant when he asked if I was alright with everything that was happening, I Chose Not To Throttle Him – as he knows by the time they are there and they’re staying and that decision has been made without Me – it’s really just a fake enquiry re ‘are you alright’ and the truth is not what he’s after.

So I did Me.

I didn’t talk if I didn’t feel like it or want too … I stayed in my PJs till 3pm and blogged … then I watched a movie while the partner got dinner.

A not a pinch of guilt was felt. Awesome!

But even better … Not a pinch of anxiety was felt. Even Awesome-er!!

So 2 things I noted and are in the midst of ‘Change’.

  1. I need to take care of Me in any and all situations.
  2. I need to Not Do what is the ‘expectation’ or even feel the expectation.

So this means that even though I am quite – ‘fuck it I’m not doing that’ – anyway, there is always a touch of anxiety that I’m being self fish or haven’t thought of those around Me.

But in all actuality, it’s usually those around Me that aren’t thinking about what might be or not be, best for Me. They very rarely consider the ramifications of ‘hanging out’ and listening to their banality. Yes, and as harsh as that sounds, there are a few things that happen to a person when their earliest memories are having a dick shoved in their faces. Thats right, chit chat about where the latest restaurant is located and going to the Mall to buy a new outfit, becomes as banal as fuck!

So it was with this recognition that I realised the aforementioned ‘need to do’s’ for myself.

You see, no cunt is going to do it for Me. And even though I have repeatedly expressed my ‘predicament’, there is but a handful that actually get it and an even smaller handful that are still willing to make the effort to adjust their way of thinking and doing things, so that I can be included.

That said … I have but a couple of goals this year … art classes being one of them. The other things are taking the trip up the river with my Mama to find where our tipuna were from, and getting to know the group of ladies that will be part of this years exhibition. I’ve decided to add 2 more things on to this list.

First is to do something for my birthday that will be OK for Me. Last year I did an Italian dinner at my daughters house and that was awesome. I enjoyed the prepping and organising and event the cooking part … which was huge for Me, as I usually abhor cooking. I was going to do this again, but have decided against it … on that scale anyway. I want to go somewhere. Somewhere quiet. Somewhere that will match my feng shui. Nothing stressful. Nothing mindfucking. I haven’t completely figured out what that something is yet … but I’m working on it.

The second thing is reframing New Years. The New Years just gone was an absolute bitch. It was noisy as fuck hear as the population trebled in our little town. And I’m all down for peeps enjoying themselves, but their ‘loud’, their fireworks, their unexpected intrusions … made for one hell of a panic fucked night that extended into the following week, and the ‘peoplely’ thing still hasn’t died down really, and it won’t till after the kids go back to school on February.

So this New Years I’ve decided I’m going bush. I may take a friend but will probably end up going by myself. I’m thinking, middle of nowhere, quiet, no people, hot tub and a bottle of limoncello.

You see, I’ve worked around what is everyone elses ‘norm’ for so long, I’m uncertain of how to do Me, the right way. And I figure, if I try out this new routine for my birthday, I’ll be more ready for new years.

I’ll be fucked if I’m going to be fucked so everyone else can enjoy themselves.

I’m over it!

But to achieve all this, means that I also need to ‘trim’ the expectations. I love my daughters … I love my friends … but I can’t do all the extra conversations and ‘please can you do …’ things, and be alright for the things that I actually want to do. I learnt that the hard way over the last couple of days.

The mind is willing, the bod – not so much. And I figure this is what the dreaded ‘balance’ theory is all about.


kpm ©


 

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limoncello loves.

On the first day there was Vodka …

And then came the thought: Limoncello!!

Then came the steeping:

48 hours later, came the compilation:

Then the adding:

Then the cooling:

And tahdah:

Limoncello!

Guess what comes next ;)

Cheers to the Hormones: You righteous set of up tight – off balanced bitches!


kpm ©


 

the preference is…

‘they’ prefer my response be more

technical

rather than literal.

figurative

rather than literal.

but literal

is what you are.

pathetic is what you

exude.

for you to die

quietly

would be

a

shame.

the preference

is for

you

to die,

with

the same

amount of

fear

as you have

inflicted.

thats my technical and literal

preference.


kpm©


 

these eyes

these eyes have seen

been

there and here.

crimson fog

orange hue.

glazed, yet glassy. moving

through the halls

down the stairs.

noting the darkness surrounds

everything.

the smoke in the air

the spoons on the stove

the oil dripping

from the caps.

no food in the darkness,

but bottles and bottles.

of tears

of piss

of losses

of pills

the haze it follows

her. me.

through the dark.

fuck 1

fuck 2

fuck 3

it makes no difference.

a woman once was.

her womb a sacred store house.

now.

slaughtered and wretched.

and she passes dem pipes

passed.

watching them inhale

exhale.

their lives.

but no high

no low.

just sweet balance.

tranquil balance.

tomorrow, she will shit not.

too constipated to care.

to heavy.

eventually wiping her ass

hole on yesterdays news.

and no food.

just drink.

no touch

just invasion.

but

sweet balance.

have these eyes

seen to many.

sorrows.

to readjust

in the light.

to remember.

is to smell.

to feel.

to weep.

memories

are held in

these eyes


kpm ©


 

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conversation to self

Its been a couple of brilliant days, full on days. Trying to keep to my therapeutic (Blah blah) schedule ;)

I managed a slow walk to the beach, beepers and stick in hand, music for my ears. I got there, enjoyed the sand and sun, even a couple of strangers strolling by didn’t seem to bother me too much. Nice I thought :)

Heading off home…the heart started to speed up and the vision started going abit blurry – tried really hard to notice what was changing in my thoughts…head. Noticed I had sped up…I obviously wanted to get home and was finished with all the wonderful sightseeing, therapeutic bullshit…I was over it…really. So instead of speeding up more…which is what I usually do…freaking myself out in the process…I slowed down, breathed slower. Then stopped. Had a little chat to myself..which went abit like…

“righteo dick…if you speed up your gonna set yourself into a panic…you cant make this walk any shorter unless you’ve turned into a super fit athlete overnight and didn’t fill me in on it? No…so you are gonna have to slow down…if you happen to pass out I’m pretty sure someone will pick you up…you won’t be out here too long…but if you slow down, breath….you might just actually enjoy what’s around you…stop squinting at everything, your making it worse…focus on one thing…breath then move on to the next…we’ll do that the whole way home…right…lets go”

LOL

I got home, in one piece, took a nice little triumphant selfie and posted it on my fb page ;)


kpm©


 

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bal-ance.


balance.

theory

or

bullshit?

i’m riding bullshit

atm.


kpm ©