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not sure where to start ..

so i just will ..

i’m still roaming around my new whare wondering wtf lol a good wtf though ..

& thats what it all is. its new. i dont have the words to describe what i feel like but i know its ok .. like, good.

i know i feel minimal to nil anxiety. i know i can breathe properly. i know i feel lighter.

but im not sure how to describe that in a positive un-hippified (soz to my hippy mates but y’all know what i mean lol) way.

yet.

but this is what it feels like visually:

it feels new, everyday.

im grateful & i dont think this is ever gonna get old.

guess nature is kinda like that ay.

kpm ©

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guru shit?

ever heard / seen a kid when they learn something new? how in awe they are?

this year isn’t what i had planned at.all.

actually moving out to live at the beach is turning out to not be what i expected at all.

reason: i’ve only ever used logic.

my logic.

analysis and logic have been my saviours & i am forever grateful for them.

guess what i don’t do well?

relaxing and going with the flow ffs.

so, it turns out that logically moving here was therapeutic. but not as i had expected or even planned for.

today i learned something new and was in awe, just like a kid.

short backstory:

i’ve been waiting / looking for a house for nearly a year. i’ve been packed up and ready to go for over 8 months. the stress its caused has been palpable.

about 9 months ago i kinda gave up. my interim plan was to ‘get well’ , or weller than i have been. or better to say, manage my shit better than i had been.

so clever i am.

and then life took an unexpected turn and this house sold. again. turns out, beach location is pick number one for rich people wanting to build oversized houses that no-one actually lives in except for holidays 2 or 3 times a year. in the last market turn , this house was sold and we were left, again, officially houseless. the new landlords turned out to racist cunts but decided they wouldn’t knock down the house and build just yet, so we could stay a little longer.

upon giving up on looking for houses, other shit happened: aka the learning curves of doom lol.

then out of blue, i was offered a house. not just any house, but one hell of a beautiful house, warm … long term.

what i would have logically turned down or not looked for, pretty much set itself into my lap.

now how the hell does that happen ay? is that one of those things that those know-it-all-guru-cunts are always going on about .. where, in a nutshell, if you chill the fuck out, good shit happens?

to my logic, none of it makes sense. at.all.

but i am desperately trying to go with it: cos it fucken worked!

*watch this space lol*

kpm©

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day two.

home typing this one: so hopefully the ‘errors’ are less, but i doubt it, & again, i dont really care … enjoy ;)

well, day 2 was a hit & a miss.

its taken nearly 24 hours to digest, recover & reflect. not overly, just enough to not want to give up road tripping altogether .. yes THAT well lol.

i was trying to ‘wing it’, yah know, not overanalyse, over plan, being ‘Instagram carefree’ & shit. & to a certain extent, it was a learning curve … i’ll give it that much kudos.

but it isn’t my jam.

i am analytical but most of all, practical.

so lesson learnt .. dont misinterpret ‘overanalysis’ with practical AF! & dont throw them both out! lol.

the most practical thing i ‘didn’t do’ was take a lot more of my food. i forgot that i got food intolerance for miles … i mean, how the fuck do you forget that ay lol … & whilst devouring a glorious sea food chowder may be the go at the time, the cream within that chowder is, like as sure as the skies are blue, going to come back a spread your asshole like the parting of the sea for moses & his peeps!! so whilst i had counter acted with antihistamines … i went way the fuck over board lol. & guess what, when your in a place your not familiar with, look for toilets that dont automatically lock you in (cos thats not conducive with me & pts(d)!!!!), you are definitely thankful your brought your own toilet paper (yes i did) but wishing you had just bought your own food cos theres no way in hell you can find the ‘lactose free, gluten free, organic full cream milk’ place to eat at in a foreign place … L O L.

fuck it all lol.

then there was the hell ride.

i’m dodgy enough on my feet on any given day. put me in car for more than a few hours and that heightens. had i forgotten this? No. had i chosen to ignore these laws of my physics? Yup.

originally, i had planned to stay away 2 nights: one of those nights & days, being a recovery from the day of travel, food mishaps, lack of sleep etc etc. i’ve kind of learned over the years that i need a big fat pause before i move again.

well i ignored that instinct, partially because my driver was keen on getting back & i thought they knew their limits & were good to go. aka, i just needed to manage me.

turns out, the driver had also underestimated their limits & had ignored their instincts.

the driving turned into erratic turns, barking snappy orders for directions (hahaha i might add … directions: at me LOL), getting lost, getting frustrated with other drivers … on and on it went. all the while i’m gripping my seat getting more and more upset slash disturbed. it kind of erupted and then fell into silence after i yelled: stop driving like that or pull over and let me out. well something to that effect.

but there was still 1.5 hours to go.

fuck. & lol.

i sort of missed most of the countryside i wanted to see cos i was way into balancing panic attack mode by that stage. which i might add, is fucken exhausting. i try really hard not to stay in this state for too long … like psych appointments etc, i try & make sure they’re broken up & im in a good frame of mind, otherwise it feels like i’ve been run over by a tractor afterwards & takes a couple days to week to recover from. i haven’t held on like that, like that tight, for over an hour, in a very long time. hence taking near 24 hours to come down off’ve it.

but fucken come down i have.

this day trip home, was full of big fat fucken lessons. & quite literally, its taken all this time to try & find them, & i haven’t completely yet – so i dont just fuckit chuckit & never go out again … which it turns is a thing for me.

cos i’m right.

the outside world sucks.

its not user friendly & definitely not user friendly for someone like me. but generally, its not friendly for anyone. you have to really dig to find it, to find them.

i found a few pearlers. genuinely nice cunts that love their jobs … love where they live … love what they do. you can see it on their faces & hear it in their voices. that was nice.

anyway, i’ll take me another 24, just to chill the fuck out. i got a few more shit posts to write, just to empty out my head … & yes, pics to down load. (was dramatically clear i need a new camera … so that’ll be the nek thing on my list of shit to get.)

did i say i still feel like an awesome fucker?

awesome, cos i went. i went. i did it. i fucken survived & so did my driver. asshat.

as freaked as a felt when i got home, i will go again, cos theres other things i want to see & do.

that, IMO, is pretty fucken cool for me & i’m hellah proud of me :)

kpm©

day one.

(i wrote this whilst away & can’t be fucked meticulously editing it. & really, aint we way over edited already … you’re welcome lol!!)

so i decided a while ago, that half my anxiety about going anywhere (eg out of the house) was due to the fact every time i went out, besides my mokos birthdays, was to go somewhere shit … aka somewhere i really didn’t want to go. like the doctors or psychologist assessments or ACC bullshit appointments. my guess was that if i tried to go somewhere i actually wanted to go, i might get anxious, but would know how to deal with it, with the underlying fact being, that i actually wanted to get where i was going.

sooooo, i planned a small trip away. i needed someone to take me, and that was alright. but i arranged to go to the other side of the coast … see a sunrise, eat good food and drink amazing coffee. nothing to out there, just the shit i really enjoy.

we took what was a semi easy road however because i hadn’t been away in like forever, i hadn’t really thought of the new motorways the crown cunts were building. those proved to be a medium head fuck. they were crowded, noisy and of course, busy AF.

but i managed. an average 6 in the panic attack richter scale, i managed it with sunglasses, headphones and ear plugs. i had a couple moments of ‘talk me the fuck home now … ‘, but rode it out, quite literally.

as i type now, i am on the east coast, staying the night in a little bed and breakfast hotel type thing, sitting next to a roaring open fire in my pjs, on the floor. i feel slightly panicy cos the noises are different, but i am fucking awesome. lol. its beautiful. i spent half an hour this afternoon , when we first got here, sitting in the cafe, drinking my mocha, staring out at the lake and ocean. tonight i had an amazing dinner, spent some time alone in the restaurant, quite well and ear plugs and music in and on. i breathed. i relaxed. i took it all in.

I’m pretty proud of myself.

tomorrow we’ll head back home and do abit of shopping on the way. i have a couple things on my list, besides coffee, that i want to get. but im happy so far. happy with my progress, happy with me.

i think i’ll do this more often, scheduling in little road trips to places i want to see, doing small things i want to do. i just may become i coffee critic while im at it. lol.

the first coffee i had today was glorious. the 2nd, not so much. tomorrow is another day though ;)

eventually i want to be able to drive my little brown self to my destinations and be ok. i want to be able to stay by myself wherever the fuck i like, and be ok.

my goals aren’t huge … but I’ve already done most of what i wanted to do in this lifetime. i figure everything i manage to achieve from here on in is new and is a big fat bonus.

did i say im proud of myself?

well i am, as i know i should be.

life is good. & pts(d) can go fuck itself today. im slowly learning how to put it in its place.

ps: i’ll post a couplely pics later when i get round to taking the photos off’ve my camera. in the meantime, take my word for it … i’m awesome & it was beautiful ;)

kpm©