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#pohutukawa #aotearoa #nature #kpm©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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.. .. ..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘& where u been for the last decade ..’
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.
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ewwwww, bitch please.
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.
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judge not lest u wana be motherfuckin judged_ith yoself.
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#dontknowifyoudontwanttoknow
#dontknowifyoudontask
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#kpm©


*edit :

To expand ..
A recent conversation with an ‘out of touch friend’, had bold yet stenchy lil undertones .. fragrance was, fear with a large dolop of judgement.
I understood the fear.
.
But dude.
I been doing my work.
I been doing my healing.
& I don’t owe you shit.
If you’d wanted to know you would’ve asked, years ago.
But you weren’t interested then and youre not interested now.
You just want me to make you feel better about yo’self.
Guess what?
It don’t work that way!

.

we could write a thesis on this shit .. but it tiring af.

.


kpm©


 

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#celebrations #love #kpm©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

ps:

criticise all you like ..

i know what my demons look like.

do you?


kpm©


 

. . .

there is this moment.

thats it.

everything else is a fantasy.

or a memory.

that also means, there is no right and wrong, attainable bs.

there is just, this moment.


kpm©


 

. .

hold onto everything loosely.


kpm©


 

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#aotearoa #breathe #kpm©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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holding on to you ~ terrence trent d’arby

holding on to you ~ terrence trent d’arby, 1995

qik update :

its been nearly a week and a half of not being at home!!

i’m currently elsewhere doing shit i need to do.

here’s what i am concurring :

  • i need the ocean, sound and smell, like a fat kid needs cake.
  • i am able to more than i originally thought
  • i am able to be away from home when the need is relevant
  • i can enjoy my life anywhere
  • i am completely able to find the joy in the small things no matter where im at, sometimes its a little harder
  • i am waaaaayyyyy more heartier than originally thought ;)

i go back home in just over another week & i will breathe in the air like i never left. but in the meantime i am practising being absolutely present where im at.

its harder than it seems.

but i can do it.

i can actually even enjoy it <3


kpm©


 

a memory

‘raukawa’ (a place i once lived) was a time i loved, un-interfered with, parenting, loving, & raising kids .. but it didn’t last forever .. i wish it could’ve been slightly different etc .. but, i had a goal, a purpose, and the kids were it. looking back i not only made the best of that situation, i enjoyed it. i loved it. and the memories of it i also love x


kpm©


 

johanna

been thinking a lot about my blogging friend Johanna.

i reckon, with all thats happening in the world right now, she woulda been right up in that grill, fist in the air, screaming for freedom.

I remember the first time i had a slightly heated, possible ‘disagreement’ with her in this realm lol. it was something i came appreciate deeply .. that she was never afraid of stating her perspective & listening to that of another.

on this particular occasion, she’d been to walmart i think it was (we dont have that here .. but a few crass equivalents lol) & she had been treated deploringly. she’d rounded off by stating that there was a prevalent ableist & ageist attitude which she had experienced there .. not the first time .. & was bound, to not be the last.

my rebuttal as such, was more out of offence for her, for having been treated that way. i came back with my usually .. ‘fuck walmart & make sure ‘we’ dont support them’.

as an activist, this is a powerful tool to wield.

however, i was surprised (at first) at her comeback. she quite abruptly noted that the ‘poor’ sometimes didn’t have the luxury of making a knee jerk reaction like that.

she broke it down thusly :

she lived in a small complex, it was cheap & generally unmaintained by the landlord. she had fought hard to find this place & while she was quite happy to take her landlord on, she was aware that her options, if she should be ejected from the property, were extremely limited .. actually NIL.

so from where she lived there were a handful of shops she could purchase her essentials from, walmart being one of them. out of those handful of shops, there were 2 she could afford to shop at. again, walmart being one of them.

i came back with the shopping online rhetoric (god, i cringe now ..) .. & she noted that her internet, as it was, was limited.

then she went into receiving ‘disability’ payments (as such) & what that looked like & that spending copious amounts of time and money on internet connections weren’t an option.

i came back with going to a library or mcdonalds where the wifi was free .. *eye ball roll* .. she came back with her limited mobility.

sweet geezus ..

we went back and forth like that for quite awhile.

from my end, i was trying to give options i thought she may not have thought of & aim for the whole empowerment gig. she, in all her aged wisdom, kept coming back, not with, negatives per se, but realities. & realities that i fucking completely understood.

in hindsight, i get now, she was trying to school my ass, gently. that while the ‘fuck the power’ part of me wasnt wrong, & was definitely passionate, & based in my own struggle .. i wasnt hearing her in her entirety. that her lived reality was more than 6 steps to freedom.

i think of this interaction often at the moment.

i’m well aware that my normal looks nothing like ‘most’, that my struggles are misunderstood by most, that my ‘working it out’ also looks way different than most.

and thats ok.

but for those that i love .. that are learning .. that are actually trying to understand .. i need to be a little more patient with them.

like she was with me.

i miss her.


kpm©


 

splayed out, splattered out .. me.

shes a messy bitch ..

.

i’ve realised every time someone has said, be in the moment ,  it makes me feel angry. And then, sad.

My moments have been for 32 plus years, have been something to brace myself for, they’ve been combatant, been a thing done to me that I haven’t been able to control. To be in the moment is to realise and embrace anger, sadness, being subjecated, controlled, it has involved deep loss .. to be in that moment in all that it actually is , would have meant absolute madness .. to be in a moment has always been about holding on .. 

So I missed it.

Missed large portions of supposed happiness? What? What did I miss? Perception, someone else’s perception?

It is cruel to ask someone to be in a moment that they could not bare themselves. 

It is judgemental and belittling of their pain. It is dismissive of their survival.

This decade has been about rest. Space. Realisation.

So i can be in a moment without having to bare it, but to enjoy every little intricacy in it.

At the same time I feel like I am mourning .. grieving.

Nearly ready for more.

.

reassessing what a decade ‘did’ .. thinking that it was a waste or a rest .. actually it was ..

figuring out what happened.

what i suffered.

remember details.

trying to find good pieces to go along side those stories.

reassembling the stories.

dropping some.

remembering what i wanted.

dropping what i wanted.

trying something else.

dropping something else.

whilst aging.

the body changes.

the hormones. learning about them. and touch sensations .

figuring out what i dont like.

what i dont mind.

what i like.

what is necessary.

what isn’t.

.

someone once had a dream about me & a broken hand .. the interpretation was that was me, that i needed re breaking to reset the bones to heal properly.

.

i had a dream recently, that the femoral artery in my leg had been ‘knicked’, & it was bleeding out with my pulse.

i found the bleed, not the site of the wound. i stopped the bleeding. .. by wiping it clean and keeping still.

.

theres practically no-one saying that i cant do something anymore. there are the odd criticisms but its not a literal, ‘no you cant go here, say that, do that, voice that, parent like that’ etc etc .. theres no-one. so why do i continue to hear it? do it?

.

so i should, Stop .. telling myself I should be doing more! 

Berating myself for resting.

Beating myself up for supposedly not knowing better.

.

I am allowed to rest. I done did 32 years of being beat down, and yet I still survived. I done 32 years of torment and abuse. I suffered. And I still survived.

I survived 32 years of being groped, raped, suffocated, belittled, not believed, changing tactics, self healing, moving, managing, changing, learning and being degraded and still survived.

I did all that and still managed to achieve shit.

My kids are my greatest achievement.

And then I did more.

I am allowed to rest! Recoup. Heal.

Recalibrate, ponder, soul search, get angry and heal some more.

I am allowed.

I am allowed to manage illness in my own way, finding solutions, getting what I need.

And I’m still allowed to rest.

“Cut yourself some motherfucking slack girl!

Geezus!” is what i keep telling myself. 

Watch the sunsets.

Gaze out the window.

Sleep.

Breathe.

X

.

by 11, smoking was my way of silencing my pain and anger and giving the finger to anything that said I couldn’t. It was harm done at my choosing.

And now I’m trying to let it go like an old toxic friend and I can feel its roots pulling out from the base of my spine, my puku.

Like im not in control, but I am. That this is my choice. 

Never to be forced again to do what I don’t want to. To bow for the greater good. To listen for the greater good.

But I feel like screaming, crying, smashing and sleeping, all at the same time.

.

its some deep rooted fuckery. but better out than in, right ..

.


kpm©


 

home is ..

home is where u feel safe.

feel yourself.

are loved.

but there isn’t necessarily anyone else there.


kpm©


 

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ride it ~ regard

ride it ~ regard, 2019

just some more thoughts on deep ass shit ..

covid? sure thing .. let it ride was my thing. & sure, the global reactions fucked me off, but hey .. let it ride.

& it did, & here we are in Level 1 .. better off? fuck knows.

.

& now the world is imploding, again. but this time its seeping what has been brewing there for eons.

the reactions, not the death, are overwhelming. the ignorance is mind boggling but not surprising.

.

today i was reminded that for me, racism has been juxtaposed with assault. the covert & overt acts are seedy & similar. the reactions are the also similar. the ignorance is also similar.

paralleling these 2 atrocities have always helped me understand the both.

but here & now, this is about the one. its about me & its not. its about all of us & its not.

to feel the black world screaming at its oppressors is a mighty thing to witness. its also painful af.


kpm©


 

i slept under the stars ..

wondering .. again .. if living in a moment, or rather, enjoying the moment, is just as simple as it sounds.

so instead of regretting something, or thinking that you should be doing something else ‘more productive’, is actually counter productive and full of shit.

that enjoying the movie, sitting on your ass watching the sun set, reading a book or just watching tv, can all be done to its fullest enjoyment, without regrets or second guesses .. if we actually embrace the moment?????

.

so do i reframe what the ‘something’ is? .. eg: i slept under the stars ..

does that have to mean outside in a tent, or on the grass, up on a mountain top, with company or without, does there have to be a photo op for IG, proof of a sunset, stars, moon .. 

or can it be something completely different whereby it is just what it is.

in my bed, under my roof, under the stars <3


kpm©


 

ruminating ..

i cut shit off.

its how i reframe or reorder shit.

its also a form of regaining control of a situation i feel out of control about.

cos yes, most of my earlier years & formative years, have been a reaction or just living to survive.

all of that has brought me to this place in time.

& i find myself wondering if cutting shit off or out, is productive or counterproductive? have i exceeded my limit?

what happens when the toxicity is leaking out all over the place & you cant quite figure out if its You or Them or Something In Between?

.

You stop & take a deep ass breathe?!

.

and thats where im at.


kpm©


 

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photography .253

#bnw #aotearoa #breathe #kpm©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

what happens after ..

when you done?

like done, done?

when you’ve exhausted your resources, positivity, focus .. energy?


kpm©


 

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it finally fucking rained!!! yah!


#rain #seasons #aotearoa #kpm©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist