check.

had 2 dreams recently, ’bout my biological father.

might check to see if the old cunts dead.


#FeelingHopeful


thats all. scroll on.


kpm©


 

SaveSave

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the hormones: update.

A slightly topsy turvey week on the hormonal front … but I’m slowly getting the hang of it. It just means I can’t go as fast or as full on as I’d like too … it means I need to take regular ‘breaks’ (sounds ironic) from doing what I’m doing … and breath! The ice packs are helping and the weather cooling is also helping! Actually had a day there where I didn’t have one hot flush … Yah!

My insides are in constant pain, but thats nothing new, so has been a little hard to differentiate between whats just a ‘Me-ism’ and whats menopause … but like the rest of it … I’ll get it eventually ;)

The emotional balance, or imbalance – if theres actually such a thing *insert eye ball roll*, has been a little better .. or I’m just embracing it better. I burst into tears at what I would usually call stupid ass shit … and then other stuff makes Me want to start a riot! But I won’t because that’d bring on one kick ass hot flush lol (I know, because I tried ;) )

I’m still disturbed by the reference to menopause being a ‘womans disease’; it’s been referred to as this in a few conversations this week. I get that its one hell of a pain in the ass and vag and everywhere else, for us biological women … but a disease??? I don’t think so.

That’s another script to flip ;)

 


kpm ©


 

Image

hormone fuckery.

ohhh she’s been a rough week … well, not rough … more like maniac then calm …. hmm

Interesting though, mapping it out over the week and seeing its ebbs and flows … I’m still hell’ah uncertain about the differentiation between what it is actual ‘menopause’ and what is anxiety / panic ; unwell ; period  … and I ate something that doesn’t agree with Me … if you get my feels.

Some of it I know is due to being an unfeeling cold hearted bitch for most of my life aka disassociated … and some of it is just New.

And then I got to thinking that maybe I’d be better rolling with the thought that it all is OK and all is part of the Whole, and it really doesn’t matter if its the hormones, of the pork I ate, or just a bad ass day. I mean really … who gives a shit … it all still feels pretty much the same and is all pretty fixed by 1 of 3 things …

  • sleep
  • alcohol (drugs … whatever works)
  • ripping shit up

Except the hot flushes … fuck my life … those are some bastards alright!

So what I noticed this week, was my period (and all it’s biologically womanly glory arrgghhh) finished on one day … 5 days later I was still drained as fuck … like I’d been sucked dry by a vampire. By day 6 I felt ‘Normal’ … as in:

  • Shit – check
  • Eat – check
  • Not to hot – check
  • Not fluster fucked – check
  • Not dizzy – check

You get my drift.

1 day of that.

1 motherfucking day!

Then I was back to hot as fuck, faint as fuck, dizzy as fuck …

Positive? I got a day of rest … just like Jesus ;)

(not my meme)


kpm ©


 

thank the fems

feels like a

non-bra

wearing

free the boobies

kinda

day

:)


kpm ©


 

ahhh okay … lets talk gender – trans and / or otherwise

I think I’ve written about this topic before, but possibly in amongst other ramblings and not a direct action as such … and I’m not really keen on ‘highlighting’ or repeating myself … this is more an exercise of ‘get that shit off’ve your chest now … clear your head … then respond …’

The topic being ‘transgender’ technically, but really, for Me, this has more to do with ‘difference’ and how those that ‘view’ the ‘others’, are doing that viewing and verbalising.

Why the post?

My NewsFeed at the moment is way over-populated with what I’d call ‘transgender – homosexual – difference’ abuse. And as I’m scrolling I’m thinking … ‘how the fuck did this happen … in my NewsFeed anyways’ … yes I know the ‘conversations’ (I use this term loosely) are happening … but it seems I am now in a position of having to decide on a position which I thought I had made pretty clear to anyone and everyone who asked re that positioning, and knew Me at all.

But apparently Not.

Now my bad, if I was not clear via posts and past in person conversations, so just to clarify, this is what I believe (Note: What “I” Believe … you are entitled to have differing beliefs)

  • Gender is a societal construct
  • Biology has Nothing to do with Gender

Wait … What?

Yes, I hear y’all saying …

“but gender and biology have everything to do with each other!”

Ahhh … Do they?.

You see, in my opinion, whether you put us in a dress or a clown outfit or a suit … we are still going to perform biologically, as we should, until we don’t. For biological ‘women’ that means our uterus starts to perform a monthly cycle of ovulation and period-ing; it means our breasts become equipped to fill up with milk so they can feed our off spring, if we become pregnant and give birth. Theres a whole lot more technical shit that goes on inside of us but I’m not good with technicals. You get my drift I’m sure. So how we dress, or how we act, or how we speak have absolutely no effect on how those biological happenings happen.

As a biological ‘woman’, who is now transitioning through menopause and will soon (hopefully!) cease to ovulate thusly the monthly ‘visits’ will also cease as my reproductive phase draws to an end … do I cease to be a gender identified Woman as so assigned to Me by the societal constraints? If I happen to grow a beard during that process, does this make Me a biological ‘man’? Or am I something in between?

I have personally been fighting the ‘gender constraints’ and ‘assignments’ ALL of my life, and this is the where the Feminism sort-of-kind-of fits in. Feminism has been / is my response to misogyny, and that isn’t just aimed at men! Not only has my response to being assaulted come from a biological womans perspective, it has come from a biological woman who has argued with every single cunt who has asked Me if I am a Miss, Mrs or Ms. You see, that is a gender assignment and has to do with keeping Me in the kitchen, my legs spread or a possible off limits lesbian. Crude examples I know, but you should be getting an idea of what I’m getting at.

Which brings Me to the ‘Trans’ debate.

For Me: There isn’t one.

As a biological woman who is transitioning through her natural phase of reproductivity, on to something else, I am not interested in assigning a ‘role’, or adding to what I believe is a growing prejudice that has spawned out of good old ignorance and fear, yet again.

So back to the point of this post …

I can scroll on over awkward opinions given about the ‘transitioning transgenders’, if they are opinions being shared in order to glean understanding about each other and another perspective.

I can not, and will not scroll on when it comes to blatant ‘gay – bashing’ (which by the way peoples, is So last century) and / or the degradation of a way of life and culture that you are not willing to understand and in all actuality, have not been asked to give an opinion on.

My position is:

I can’t and won’t agree with you opinions or your bigotry.

I won’t teach you. My experience is a biological womans experience. I am not a transitioning person per se, and am therefore not qualified to give a qualified opinion!

However … I won’t put up with your ignorance and bigotry and will remove You from Me and my world.

#TimesUp

  • Please Note: My only discrepancy with medical transitioning is with children. I don’t believe any child should be medicated and ‘adjusted’ so they can ‘fit in’ with a ‘Norm’. How about We change those ‘Norms’ so they can be free to be themselves, and when the time comes and they are Not children anymore, and if they still chose too, are supported in medically transitioning and empowering themselves.

<3


kpm ©


 

because i have no poem; not really: re hormones

unless its got to do with

my overheating personage,

I don’t really give a shit

about making up lovely little

heart felt poems.

Oh, and unless there is

a solution,

to the massive overheating

which I’m pretty sure I could

fry a fucken egg on;

I don’t give a shit

about poetry right now.


kpm ©


 

hormonal update.

Ok, captains log, number .. fuck knows:

Heres what I’ve noticed after nearly 30 days …

  • There are definite ebbs and flows
  • Physical and emotional
  • The physical shit reminds Me of pregnancy, but magnified and short bursts of intensity
  • The emotional stuff is some kind of new fuckery for Me
  • It feels like anxiety but magnified and shorts bursts of intensity too
  • I haven’t quite figured the momentum yet
  • My hope is once I can figure out the ‘when’ part (like with menstruation) then I can at least plan around it
  • Cos at the moment, the random-ness is fucking with Me feng shui hard core
  • The only emotional part I actually Like – is the Rage.
  • My goddess, I got some Rage!!

So, according to my trusty schedule lol, I’m in the pre-menstrual phase. Once this lot is done and dusted eek, I should have a better idea of what the blessed little hormones are actually doing.

Oh, btw, … Think I’m going to my douche bag doctors for any of this shit ..

Hell No!

Pretty sure biological women were dealing with this shit long before some old white dude decided we should be medicated and re-situated.


kpm ©


 

hormones. Q?

why is menopause

‘treated’

as a disorder?


kpm ©


 

ready, steady … go

“Menopause”.

I’ve pretty much detested being a biological woman most of my life. I felt like this body betrayed Me. I never wanted to be a man though. Ewww. But it’s a hard thing being stuck as something you despise but not wanting to be the alternative.

As the years went on I realised I didn’t have to be anything that was ‘prescribed’ for Me to be either: so I didn’t. I refused to state my gender; I refused to dress ‘ladylike’ – I found my own groove; I refused to speak ‘like a lady’ … yes, I found my own groove; I refused to be anything that was expected of me ‘as a woman’.

But I still despised my biology.

That has mainly been because I thought my gender is what got Me assaulted as a little girl. I didn’t realise then, that my gender had nothing to do with it. My vaginal hole, as tiny as it was, was not the pre cursor for being invaded by a sick cunt.

No.

It was His sickness. It had nothing to do with Me … and as I found out many years later … the sick cunt had no preference between genders … his preference was ‘defenceless.’

By the time I hit my teens and my first baby was due, the after effects of the infant sexual assault had well and truly set in. But I didn’t realise that at the time. I dreaded motherhood. Not my child … but not being able to protect her. It was my Achilles heel.  By the time I was married and pregnant with my 3rd child, I was petrified. But this time, I was petrified of having a boy. Petrified of producing a sex offender. As weird as it sounds, the aftermath manifests in some interesting ways.

I was relieved when i birthed another baby girl, but then scared about the double protection I would have to provide.  I didn’t want to have anymore children. Partly because this world is no place for a child, or so I believed. And partly because I could feel myself starting to break. So I took the next logical step … and had my tubes tied. Yes, at 23, I took matters into my own hands.

I cracked about a year later and left my husband soon after.

Not to get into that story … my point is … being a woman has never been a good thing for Me. In my mind, it got Me assaulted, repeatedly … I bleed … I physically developed and was re-assaulted by both males and females. It has felt like my body has betrayed Me at every turning point.

I understand now that this isn’t really the narrative. Which is why I want to document – the good, the bad, and the learning – of menopause.

This is the final frontier lol.

I want to remember it and where I can, celebrate it, like I should have been doing all my life as a biological woman.

You see I get now, that being a biological woman is a fucking honour. To birth a child … to give new life … no matter what age you give birth … well that’s the greatest honour of all. We are the whare-tangata. And I have despised and sabotaged mine at every turn.

Now, I will celebrate and learn to love and embrace this final part of my journey … this Part of Me – hopefully ;)


kpm ©


 

Ok, I have questions: for biological women

Not to be exclusive or anything … but I have questions for the menstruating members of the universe. For those that haven’t, feel free to peruse. However, be warned (and if you’ve ever read any of my previous shizz), I err on the side of ‘descriptive’.

Alrighty:

I am heading into the menopausal area of my life. After a shit-tonne of years bleeding my ass off, I’m looking down the barrel of finally Not having to clamber for the tampon at the bottom of my bag; or bunching up toilet paper when I’ve run out of sanitary pads; or flailing about for a week of the month, in excruciating uterine agony. Yep … period time has never been a Joyous occasion and I have always envied those of my species who manage to whisk their way through the monthly cycle without so much as a twitch in the abdominal area and a couple of tampons and panadol.

I am not one of those.

But the thought of menopause setting in doesn’t fill Me with dread, on the contrary, it sounds like eventual bliss!

Of course, I wanted to learn all I could about the process so I knew what I was in for. Mainly so I knew when it ended! The onset of the menstruating process sucked balls. I was completely unprepared and pretty much thought I was dying. And then when it had finished, I thought that was it! Period done and dusted.

Not Even! No-one gave Me the heads up that this little beauty would show up every month for the next 30-40 years! Thats right Years, Not fucking weeks! I was horrified and petrified. From here on out (I think I was about 11 or 12), my girlfriends who were older than Me, pretty much taught Me what to do. How to prepare; what to get; how to Insert for fucks sake: Cos heads up pre-menstruating females: Ya’ll need to read the instructions on tampon insertion BEFORE you’re bleeding like a stuck pig in the school bathroom. Not cool.

Anywho – My girlfriend(s) at that time were awesome. The rest was trial and era. I don’t want menopause to be the same! So I’ve asked questions; as I do.

I ‘ve asked People. Women. Doctors. Even Aunty Google.

Guess what. Peeps are still as frigid about talking about ‘women stuff’ now, as they were 30 years ago.

Really???

Apparently so.

Google and all the medical sites are way to ‘undetailed’ and aloof. And so are people!

I’m pretty sure if it was a disease it’d get more coverage.

What I want to know is:

  • What is the process?
  • Do you just stop bleeding one day?
  • Will I get cramps?
  • Do ‘hot flushes’ feel like being ultra hot?
  • And why the hot flushes?
  • Will it feel like I’m shitting out my insides?
  • Will I grow a beard?
  • Are their noticeable tell tale signs that its starting or finishing?
  • How long does it take?
  • Whats happening with the hormones?
  • What happens to the hormones afterwards?
  • Will my boobs sag even more?
  • Are my boobs meant to feel like they’re going to drop off?
  • Does my ‘smell’ change?
  • Is there anything that I can do to ‘relieve’ the process, or help the process?
  • Can any cunt give Me a freaking timeframe?? LOL

As you can see, I am down for the feedback please.

I’m not squeamish or overly ‘po-lite’, so write as you would say it please :)

I want to be able to school my girls on this process too. It’s something I hardly ever hear getting talked about – or maybe I’m just in the wrong circles ;)

Right, so there you have it – Fire away with all your wealth of advice my Beautiful Pre / Post Menopausal Peeps <3


kpm ©