Homai to Aroha
I’ve really struggled with this whole concept of being ‘mindful’. Not just because it seems kinda pussy, but also because it seems kinda ‘out there’, with nothing solid to base itself on. I’ve come to learn that my way of ‘mindfully doing shit’ is a little different than most, but I also grasped today, just a shred of ‘being present and enjoying the moment’.
Everything has been rather fucked of late and I’m slowly getting my ‘flip that shit’ narrative going. But it hasn’t been easy. Anyone thats been around here long enough knows that I have moments of feeling fucking victorious and other moments of feeling like a stunned possum that can’t leave the house.
You’ll also know … I’m getting hell’ah tired and fucked off with that shit.
This morning I got up early … like, Grandma and Grandad early … it was still dark lets put it that way.
I Decided I was going to the beach. By myself.
Now I used to be able to do that quite easily, maybe 6 months to a year ago. I had worked my way up to it and then done the deed and continued doing it. Somewhere in between holidays, my fucking father, my sister dying, menopause and general fucking pts(d) bullshit … I’d stopped going. And then when I wanted to go, I’d have a panic attack.
This morning: I did it my way.
Just at sunrise, with my morning coffee, I took my lame ass down to my beach and sat in the sand like a big kid.
I felt fucking victorious.
But I also felt ‘in my moment’; something I have been struggling with since I started trying to do this shit.
I got stalked by 2 seagulls. Yes, you heard right. Little bastards kept creeping up on Me and it literally made Me laugh. So I photographed them as they made their little circles round Me and I soaked in my moment.
I felt there.
Present. Content. Alive.
Long winded story I know, and the photos are abit dodgy … but I don’t care. I’m pleased I figured out when I feel safe to go to the beach by myself. I had been missing it.