Life can only be understood backwards;
but it must be lived forwards.
~ Soren Kierkegaard ~
I love seeing your little ‘painkills2’ avatar popping up when i peruse my old posts … I miss you.
It’s been a few hazy dazy confusing and slightly stressful weeks. Not anything specific, just a build up I think.
My head has been pounding for weeks and my shoulders feel as tight as a bitch, and I’m pretty sure thats what adding to the tip. I’m still on 1/3 antihistamine and as was the plan, I won’t drop it again till everything else settles down. No use pouring petrol on an already roaring fire aight!
Add to this, my gutts is doing some interesting things; whatever it is, it’s adding to the anxiety … my nemesis!
So back to the basics: the deep breathing … trying to relax my body … focusing on whats important and flipping the rest … I ended up taking a 1/4 sedative today though, just to try balance shit out.
*I note, 2 houses have just been sold: the one next door to us and the one over the road, and these money makers have decided to renovate before they sell on. I have nothing against renovations, however, all the noise puts me on edge. Me and noise – especially power tool kinds of noise – seem to fuck with feng shui massively. This then sets off my eye sight – every thing starts feeling way to bright – brighter than it actually is and that messes with my head. Yesterday i was walking round the house with industrial ear muffs on, and ear plugs in, and dark sun glasses on! Amusing to an on looker no doubt, but I was doing my do and trying to minimise the effects. I still needed the sedative today though.
And then just cos … my dreams have decided to torment me again. They had eased a lot, but seem to have returned with vengeance. Some are the usual horrific-ness. But most are somewhere between a really busy day and a flashback. I can smell everything … feel everything. There’s peeps showing up in my dreams that I haven’t seen in years … there’s family members I haven’t seen in years either … some dead, some not so dead lol. Then theres the continuous feeling of dread.
And that dread is feature #1 of pts fucking d.
And so here I am … unfolding … trying to get to the bottom of my deal before I need a little more than a 1/4 sedative!
Que Music Therapy 😉
I’ve been thinking about doing this photography series for a while … and was not sure how to ‘explain it’ … and there it was … the need to explain.
Westernised society, has this fucked up need to explain everything … with words … backed up with documented proof.
Google it. I’m not wrong.
Indigenous societies, felt no such ‘need’. They relied on instinct, intuition, oral histories, their ancestors. All that is ‘seen’ and ‘unseen’.
Google that. I’m not wrong.
As my PTS(D) journey has gone along, and I feel as if I’m ‘healing’ (*makes vomit face*) … another train of thought has come up.
…… I’m over explaining or trying to express things with words.
Words are good. I’m good at words.
But there’s some things that cannot be expressed with words.
They are the things deep down … the screams … the pictures … the indignation … the fear …
I’m an artist.
Always have been.
I’m the kid that got picked last for the baseball team, because I didn’t like the grass, the ball, the interaction, the sweat.
But I was also the kid that could tell you (if anyone had ever cared to ask); what happened to ‘that girl’ over there last night … what was going on at home that she didn’t tell anyone about.
I could see it, feel it … on her. I could see it in her body shift and shrinking motions. I could see it in her darkening eyes. I could feel it in her demeanour.
There are no real words for that.
And whatever that is; that ability to ‘see’ what isn’t expressed through words; has haunted me forever.
I stopped looking at people’s eyes; or taking notice of how they moved.
What I haven’t understood until recently though, is that is who I am. It is what makes me ME.
While the ‘experts’ say it’s all PTS(D); there has never really been a ‘prior too’ PTS(D). It has always been ‘me and ptsd’. It is my norm. And while I’m down for overcoming being an anxious fuck … some of what I am, how I am … is what it is … it is just me.
Does that make ‘others’ feel uncomfortable?
But where were they when I was ‘experiencing’ trauma? Where were those ‘others’ when I was ‘uncomfortable’?
Thats right … Not Present!
This next lot of photographs are my expression of an explanation; a reason; a thought; an anger; an empowerment; a laugh; a tear … all relating to Me and PTS(D).
Welcome to the next part of my hikoi (1. (verb) to step, stride, march, walk.)
251. Yes we are 🙂
Aint Gonna Hurt Nobody ~ Kid’nPlay, 1991
So it would appear that somewhere between internet-sphere and WordPress-ation, I have mysteriously ‘un-followed’ a few blogs. I’m not sure how or why and have only become aware of it when I clicked a blogger buddys gravatar icon thingy and was ‘asked’ if I wanted to follow it.
Ensuing conversation between myself, computer and said gravatar consisted of such things as:
‘I am following them’ … ‘apparently not’ … ‘but I didn’t unfollow’ … ‘why ask if I dam well want to follow when I already am’ … ‘I’ve only unfollowed that vagina chick, the nazi and that know it all christian .. fuck it all’.
When I came to my senses, I did a little check and it turns out at least a few dozen awesome blogs had been mysteriously unfollowed.
Soooo, if your none of the 3 listed peeps 😉 I have rechecked the follow button, and if I should mysteriously unfollow at some stage, and you haven’t posted any random vaginas, nazi paraphernalia or have suggested I go to church to confess my sins …. I will remedy the error … eventually.
Soz!! (Me-speak for … Sorry 🙂 )
Just over a year of blogging and I’ve only just realised that I haven’t been reading all of the posts that I ‘like’, properly!
Turns out, when you go into the Reader thingy, and all the blogs you follow come up … and as you scroll down and see the title of the blog and then their post underneath of it … yeah well, the posts that don’t have a “read the full post here” thingy underneath it, doesn’t mean that there isn’t MORE to the post if you click on it and open it up properly!!!
I wondered why everyone’s posts were so short!!!
So … all my ‘likes’ up until now … please take them with the sincerest of intentions that they were meant … I generally don’t ‘like’ for nothing … but in future …
I’ll click the post and read it proper like before liking 🙂
MY BAD 🙂
you thought, didja
wotcha want, me too
No, is what I do
No, is the
Get used to it
I will not do
Wotcha want me to do