Sooooo. .

Guess what.
.
I realised the other night, that I actually enjoy bedtime.
.
Right. I know most enjoy it .. but I have never ever not ever.
.
Never.
.
Why.
.
Aside from the nightmares that had plagued me forever.. sleep is the ultimate vulnerability.
.
Yup. Let that soak.
.
So becoming aware of the fact that I actually enjoy, not just being a little ok, but enjoy, look forward too .. bed and sleep. .
.
Is fuck ing A Maze ing 
.
That’s it.
.


kpm©

here .. to dump

fyi .. the world hasn’t just recently turned into a shit fest ..

it’s always been that way.

just the skids are showing now 🙄

& still cunts wanna put glitter on it & call it ‘content’.

fuck me. it’s some bullshit alright.


kpm©

Image

ngaw, thanks WP …

i think i’ll forgive you for all the times you’ve screwed up my ‘liking ability’, or messed with the follow button, or sent me little notifications that you’ve switched something around, or you’ve just fucking switched shit around …

we are, after all, 4 years into this relationship …

lol.

nah, its been a ‘journey’ *adding deep flowy – earthing type music* …

& its been real yo !! xx


kpm ©


 

sorted?

ok, think i’ve corrected the comments section. aka, i’ve just turned the cunt back on for all posts instead of them closing after a couple weeks.

the point was to filter out the dick pic adverts & the ‘let us help you build your website’ adverts. cos as much as i appreciate they’re doing their thang … i just don’t wanna spend half a day filtering the fuckers out, that the spam-a-lator has missed.

any who … it is what it is … & comments are back on.

haven’t solved the sharing button conundrum. mainly cos i can’t be fucked lol.

& that is what it is too. mostly peeps don’t share my shit anyway, which is aight; i get it … who wants to share some deranged ramblings of a slight depresso with a potty mouth? right lol. & seriously, i’d probably think you were a bit dodgy if you were sharing those .. they’re kinda my ‘diary of a wimpy kid’ writings; yah know – to vent & shit.

anyway, where was i going with all that … ummmm … i got a toothache & think i may have baked my shit with one too many tramadol eekkk …

so … we are sorted. i think.

*insert huge ass eye ball roll*


kpm ©


 

ummmm … seriously ?

so for some fucked up reason WP has decided to remove the comments & pings on Some of my posts –  not all – how devine of them … & on other posts (not the right ones *insert eye ball roll*) we are missing the sharing buttons.

soz.

but i shall remedy. soon.

after coffee.

maybe two.


kpm ©


 

hey. u.

just follow or fuck off.

your following & un-following & following & un-following

is fucking with me counter thingy.

youre as bad was those IG turds.

JS


kpm©


 

i

i am:


kpm©


 

unity? collective?

Just ‘adult’ words for:

do it my fucking way.


kpm ©


 

so, randoms

Yah know what … every time I jump on here atm, I come up with a big fat Blank.

Is that writers block?

Or am I just having a creative-waffle-catastrophe … like, can’t think of shit to say or have already repeated the same old shit and can’t bring myself to repeat it … Again.

Oh well … hoping my blogging peeps are good … wherever you are …

The world is a little fucked up at present … Been feeling for the babies in cages … grrr … thats all I have to say on that matter here though …

xo


kpm ©


 

 

educate?

“you need a good education”

in what?

by who?

and what for?


kpm ©


 

old?

“aren’t you a little ‘old’ for that?”

by whose standards?

yours? you crusty cunt?


kpm ©


 

i don’t really like doing bloody titles: any who …

Just over a months break from steady blogging. Shittones has happened … well in my little world anyways … such as:

  • I turned 46 … Yah
  • 2 mokos had their birthdays … we now have a 10 year old and a 9 year old eeek
  • i went to the shop by myself, in the pouring rain, and it was glorious!
  • me and mama went to a cafe and i loved that!
  • heard from AC fucking C … they’re still ‘processing’ my claim
  • doing yoga again
  • we’re expecting moko #6 in August – Yippie!!
  • i stayed with my daughter for a couple days …that was awesome :)
  • i’ve started on my next lot of art works for this years exhibition
  • i’m at 3 smokes per day … I know … no applause needed ;)
  • i heard from my nieces … that was cool
  • we found a photograph of my great nanny (grandads mother), in a museum … we’re trying to get them back … or renamed at least
  • i got sozzled on my limoncello one night lol it was fun!

Anyway … I enjoyed my break. But I must say, to being with, it was one hell of a head fuck.

I used to be a rigid routine person … and in some ways I still see the safety in it … it keeps you focussed. But sometimes I think it becomes a noose as well. And I think thats what I had done with blogging.

“Have to do it … have to do it cos I started it … have to do it because … i have too”

I turned it into a chore … a bore … a complete and utter head fuck … when it was supposed to be a release, a relief, a conversation, a vent, a reworking …

As I’ve gone over my old posts, I started deleting some of them, thinking to myself, ‘what a bunch of bullshit’ … and then as I read on, I released that even though my ‘re working’ wasn’t has I thought it was going to be … I was in fact, doing just that.

My beautiful chaos was and is parts of Me that I have stuffed away, on purpose sometimes, so I could survive life.

And now that I am in a place where I can unfold and rewrite my narrative, it is happening, but not as I’d imagined.

But isn’t that the bloody way ay!

Whilst reading my #freestyle thought, in the form of writing rants, or loosely labelled ‘poetry’; in the form of visual images, art and random thoughts … I have managed to find some kind of crude balance in it all.

I’ve inadvertently allowed myself to be ME.

With all its profanity, quirks, repetitions, responses, anger, frustrations, creativity, sarcasm, love, hate, wishes and anguishes.

And in all that, I’m finding a pretty dam strong, sensitive and fierce old bitch. And it’s all alright.

Things are definitely not perfect. But I’ve come to realise – Perfection is for pussys. The real battleground is bloody and raw with a touch of daisies and daffodils.

So, I’m technically Back … whatever that is ;)

I’ve jiggled round my categories and made a few alterations here and there. I even changed my Theme for like, 5 days … and then I got sick of the capital letters in the headings, so I came back to my old faithful :)

I hope everyone is well … and I’ll get to your Blogs ASAP (note: not a standard ASAP, more of a, Me sort of ASAP ;).

Love and light atcha all xo


kpm ©


 

Image

photography .27

#abstract #art #macro #photography #kpm©


kpm ©


 

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Break-Time.

So, I’ve decided I’m gonna take a break. Not sure how long for, or even if it could be considered an ‘actual’ break in ‘mainstream’ terminology. But it is what is it and means I won’t be posting my usual award-winning daily material for a little while.

I updated my Front Page:

about, © & disclaimer

Welcome to my slice of paradise *sarcasm intended*.

At present, I would describe myself as the awkward and irreverent owner of the ‘pts(d)’ title. I am a nonconformist by nature. My art, photography and writing is my attempt at  “Flipping My Narrative”. Not because I’m some kind of pts(d) retard whose in some warped denial, but because I get now, that bad fucking shit happens for sure, but I can’t and won’t ever agree with the ‘quo’ explanations for said bad fucking shit.

Everything in this Blog, is my shit, copy written as, kpm © 2003, unless otherwise stated.

Note: Throughout My Blog, there are liberal splatterings of, and reference to, infant/child sexual assault. Although I know a shitload on this subject, I am a professional in MY field, which is ME and only ME. I am not ‘qualified’ to give ‘medical, therapeutic or psychological’ advice. I only have my opinions and experiences. As such, don’t take my shit as lore!

The main update and reason for the ‘break’ lays in this:

At present, I would describe myself as the awkward and irreverent owner of the ‘pts(d)’ title. I am a nonconformist by nature …  but I can’t and won’t ever agree with the ‘quo’ explanations …

I’ve got hormones raging; arguments going on in my head; I’m afraid of nearly everything, but most of all I’m afraid of ‘feeling’ … and this stops Me from feeling or I medicate so I don’t feel the feeling; I feel confused and most of all, fucking frustrated.

I had Me a lovely little flashback the other day, and had a post prepared but got sidetracked … Here it is in all it’s glory *insert eyeball roll*:

Really need to find another ‘descriptive’ term for that event that isn’t so god dam poxy … who came up with that bullshit ay … some white coated cunt who’d studied far too much and hadn’t lived a second of it maybe???

Any way … until such time as I come up with a suitable replacement … flashback it is:

I was just about to put my hands over my ears today … there was a truck down the road doing something noisy and obnoxious, and it was getting louder … hands to ears till I could find my ear plugs was the thought …

And then I remembered being in my Grandparents bedroom, watching a little 14 inch TV. My Nan was in the room next to this. It was a hair salon; she was a  self-taught hairdresser :) Anyways … I was staying near her and trying to stay out-of-the-way of the pedo cunt. Think I was 8ish … and I must have been there for the holidays, I’m not sure. The pedo cunt finds Me. Sits by the door and starts talking about Me and my family going to church. I wanted to get up and leave but that meant going near him and round him. So I pretended not to be listening to him. He was in earshot of my Nan who kept telling him to shut up. But he wouldn’t of course.

He kept smirking at Me.

Fuck he was a cunt. A torturous tormenting cunt.

When he could see I was trying to ignore him and focus on the TV (and pretend I wasn’t petrified), he moved over to the TV and started turning the volume up. If anyone remembers what those old school 14 inch TVs were like, you’ll know they weren’t built for HD sound that’s for sure!

As he started inching the sound up, waiting for Me to retaliate, he was talking, but I wasn’t listening.

What I remembered though: was my ears started ringing – not just from the sound but from his voice and the look on his face and his aura … I can’t describe it really … but I was petrified. He knew, I knew, he could do whatever he pleased whenever he pleased and No-one was going to stop him; and if they tried, or I tried, it wouldn’t make a shit bit of difference.

I screamed at him finally.

He laughed.

And I got told off.

I was told that I should just handle it; after all – I sit in church and listen to all the loud music was the reasoning.

Saying it out loud today – it sounds completely bizarre. And it was.

I believe though … this is where my sensitivity to sound and the knot the happens in my gutt and the panic fucks that happen during … this is where they started.

Nice to know ay.

Now what?

Not sure … but I figure the great flashback fairy had something in mind when she decided to reveal this puppy today … I fucking hope so! And I fucking hope its good!!

But these and my dreams are plaguing Me at the moment … well they’ve turned up a decibel. I seriously cannot tell the difference between a panic attack, a bit of anxiety, a hot flush, normal anger, hunger or sadness. It all feels (in my body) like the same fucking thing … uncomfortable!

This morning I’ve had (what I think are) 2 hot flushes. I think I know this because I ‘feel’ hot to touch. But I hyperventilate and end up on the floor and then in tears. Whats that about??

As I was rocking and breathing and crying on the bathroom floor I recognised I was afraid. Of this … feeling … of being a biological woman … of change … of vulnerability … of fear itself … of being trapped … of having no say over what my fucking body is doing … of being afraid.

I ‘feel’ like a boxer in a ring – in the corner, getting the fucking snot beaten out of them. You’ve seen those ones ay … the ones that curl up, hands up over their heads, just taking body shot after body shot cos they can’t move but they have to protect themselves. This is the picture of my life really. The bell goes, I get a 1 minute breath and I’m back in there getting the shit kicked out of Me. I’m down, but never out. I’d make it to the final round, but in what condition I wonder?

And it’s here that my thought shifted.

What am I doing?

I’m in a fight I didn’t ask for; I don’t know how to fight; waiting for someone to explain the rules so I can get with the program; waiting for a decent break so I can gather some strength …

Why don’t I just step out of the ring and fuck off and do my own thing?

Because: and here is another part of my personality that is becoming a hinderance instead of an attribute …. because: I do not quit.

I don’t quit the job that’s making Me sick … not till I can’t stand anymore anyways. I don’t quit the relationship I don’t want to be in … because, maybe I didn’t try hard enough. I don’t quit the violent relationship I don’t want to be in … because this is my lot … I chose this, not my daughter.

Instead I strap up and hang in for the long ride … cos … it might get better, if I just don’t quit …

Fucks sakes.

And as of this morning: if I am really about Flipping My own Narrative, then some uncomfortable shit is on its way and I need to deal with it. Not nut it out, or knuckle down … but get the fuck out of the ring and stop fighting something that just isn’t my fight.

I think it’s about Letting That Shit Go … Walking Away and not looking back.

Now that brings a tear to my fucking eye and I have no idea why.

I get that I have endured some fucking ratshit shit in my life; that I am a survivor and a fighter; that I’m attempting to embrace all that I am …

But I want more than that. I don’t want to be just another ptsd fucktard who has a great story to tell; or another medicated survivor who knows how to function ‘her own way’; or anything that anyone else thinks or says I should be – fuck I don’t even know what I ‘should’ be. I do know I don’t want to Be this though.

I am a nonconformist by nature. And I’m hoping like all fuck that that part of my nature has some decent fucking suggestions on flipping my shit!

See yous Soon.


kpm ©


 

hormones. argh.

Random update of the fluctuating hormones:

  • today they’re kicking my ass
  • literally
  • in a nice iced lotus position
  • sucking in deep breathes
  • wondering when the fuck womanhood will be ‘fun’
  • dizzy as fuck
  • oh, did i mention, dizzy, like vertigo – dizzy as all Fuck
  • so, all the wonderful cleaning things that i need to do
  • yes, need … because we have a house inspection apopo (tomorrow)
  • yeah, well those bitches aren’t getting done whilst i’m sitting lotus style with ear plugs in, rocking backwards and forwards and trying to find my feng fucking shui
  • hormones … fuck y’all

kpm ©


 

words

sometimes when i

can’t string a

sentence together …

no longer feeling

like some kind of

intellectual:

and the thought of

writing ones own

thesis is,

well,

fucking daunting …

and poetry

(as defined by the poetry gods),

seems to far

far

away …

i’ll line up a ramble,

that looks like

poetry.

It works

For

Me.


kpm ©


 

Image

old friend? … “miss you Johanna”

And this was the last time I heard from You :)
Thanks for re-writing my Poem … I like yours way better lol.
I hope your well wherever you are and you’re giving those your with, shit to think about! I miss our conversations … I miss you! But I think you’d be proud of Me ;) I’m still working my shizz out!
Did I ever thank you for being the first person to conversate with Moi? You’re a brave lass lol! And I appreciate the hell out of you … I think I may have given up you know …
Love yah long time my friend xo


kpm ©


 

Image

such a grown up thing to do:

Much to my surprise, I ended up selling a few of my exhibition pieces. I don’t usually sell and I think thats been more about the emotional attachment that I have with each piece I do.

But this time, alot of that emotional attachment wasn’t there. Maybe it’s because it was all such a cathartic process … I’m not sure really.

But any who … As tempted as I was to buy really really necessary items of shit like:

  • Shoes
  • M&Ms
  • Shoes

I decided instead to invest in my Art :)

So I bought these puppies instead!

Feeling like a grown up right now lol.

4x 30×30 stretched canvas


kpm ©


 

Image

exhibition art [2017] ~ “hine-nui-te-pō”

Hine-nui-te-pō ~

Hine-tītama was the

eldest daughter of the

atua,

Tāne-nui-a-Rangi and Hine-ahu-one.

She had children to her father.

When she learned that her husband

was also her father,

she fled to te pō (the underworld),

where she receives

the souls of the dead

and is known as

Hine-nui-te-pō.



#exhibition #abstract #art #painting #selfdetermination #kpm ©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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