TW : some morbid/ish bs .. .. .. . . . today was .. dizzying. dreamt bout grandad again last night. that’s twice in 1 week. but no more than half a dozen in the last 14ish years.
‘sitting with it’ ..
( really gotta find an alternative name to that phrase .. I don’t like it .. like , journey and moving forward lawd strike me down now ..
Anyways .. digression )
& I dunno if the moon is in your anus or if the planets are in digital alignment at the minute. but shit is def weird af.
anyway .. grandad was making plum sauce .. in my dream. @ the old house. the one he built.
the one he built with the trade that he was ‘given’ after returning from world war fucking 2. he chose a trade .. not land.
the house where I felt the most love. the house where I experienced on my lil & growing body and soul, mongrelised depths of depravity. the house where the smell of bacon & tomatoes meant going to work & love. the house where the stench of bodily excrements & boiling opium, stuck to the walls.
how can all that coexist in one place.
i spose it has, in me.
screaming & smiling. smiling & screaming.
the most protection experienced & the most vulnerability exploited .. all in one place. . . i suspect .. because he’s not talking to me .. this is grandad’s way of being near me. his way of protecting. his silent, slightly traumatised, way of holding onto my insides while they crumble.
making plum sauce for us .. was an act of love on so many levels.
created a climate of chaos. so you lookin like the save.i.our. but. you the catalyst. you the In.stigator. you the Fire starter. . now put out yo own fire. . . . . . . . . #bnw #bs . . #artistic #intersectional #linguistical #tutu #truthseeker #etcetera
i think I’m still after a feeling .. Safety. in my body, skin. i’m not sure what that ‘looks’ like until I see it. the thing that makes me feel the most at ease, is .. simplicity .. in all senses of the word. . . is the world an unsafe place for a little girl. for a half grown girl. for a half ass grown woman. for a womxn. for a brown woamn. Is it. Is it really. At all. . . All she needed was protection. To feel safe. Ok. Protected. . The child didn’t feel protected. The child wasn’t protected. The child had to protect itself. It’s still frozen in one place waiting for shit to make sense. Waiting for grown ups to do something, grown up. Like. Manage themsleves. And protect those that are vulnerable. However. They’re vulnerable. And as ungrown up as the child standing next to them, watching them implode and explode. . . In the meantime .. we tryna grow our own selves up.
“having been systemically let down by every institution & way of being that them cunts have ever dreamed up or destroyed .. my job now is .. to live the best indigenous affirming, calming & gentle life .. doing exactly whatever the fuck I please. that’s it.”
“yo .. thanks, for not trying to ‘lighten the mood.’ . . if the whole child / sexual assault tip, has upheaved shit for yah, start by talking to someone .. anyone .. that you trust. . ive put a link in the bio for nz peeps. they have resources & assistance for this sorta shit or can link you to the resources yah might need, whatever part of the process you at. for other countries im gonna suggest also looking at wellstop resources & then googling something similar for your country of residence. . . healing is painful af, but so is pretending it didn’t happen or wasn’t that bad … now is the time. breathe deep. you survived & next moves will require the same amount of resilience .. but focussed on more than survival. the time for protecting rapey abusers is way the fuck over. taking care of / healing You / Us is number 1 priority. healing You / Us, helps heal / prevents nek gen havoc. . . if u know of a child / ren being hurt, speak out on their behalf .. for the love of all things decent, don’t be a silent bystander. that shit is old af & has no place in the world we trying to make for our nek gens. . . ps : thanks for being here ✊ . . & that concludes birthday month .. ake ake amene. . also #FTP ” . . . . . . . . #bnw #bnwpolaroid #polaroid #bnwmood #bnw_mood #bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_planet #bnw_rose #noirlovers #hitamputihphotography #noirstreet #street_leaks #streetoftones #streetizm #streets_unseen #noirstreetlife #bnwmacro #lensculture #lensonstreets
“fyi: there ain’t no such thing as ‘if I/you just’ .. .. take enough vitamins .. pray to the right gods .. move my self differently .. approach with more .. mind what i say .. do what they suggest .. . it is literally ‘the skirt was too short’ syndrome way of living life, & it’ll steal everything that is left of your soul if you let it.” . . . . . . . . #bnw #bnwpolaroid #polaroid #bnwmood #bnw_mood #bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_planet #bnw_rose #noirlovers #hitamputihphotography #noirstreet #street_leaks #streetoftones #streetizm #streets_unseen #noirstreetlife #bnwmacro #lensculture #lensonstreets
“i am begining to have the most profound-est respect for what my body has carried & endured. i honour it by .. living well.” . . . . . . . . #bnw #bnwpolaroid #polaroid #bnwmood #bnw_mood #bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_planet #bnw_rose #noirlovers #hitamputihphotography #noirstreet #street_leaks #streetoftones #streetizm #streets_unseen #noirstreetlife #bnwmacro #lensculture #lensonstreets
“me & me body have endured detrimental encounters, moral judgement, physical invasion & unwelcome damnation, for a very, very .. very long time. left to fend or defend, my body remembers that shit. hence it’s ever present caution. yes, my body remembers well. & has learned well .. I see it. Feel it. Take note. & take precautionary motherfucken measures. if an experience should turn out to be a pleasant one. churr. that can go toward the count & i will reminisce on the pleasantness. yeah. but until that balance is balanced balanced … I will remain forever cautious.” . . . . . . . . #bnw #bnwpolaroid #polaroid #bnwmood #bnw_mood #bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_planet #bnw_rose #noirlovers #hitamputihphotography #noirstreet #street_leaks #streetoftones #streetizm #streets_unseen #noirstreetlife #bnwmacro #lensculture #lensonstreets