reconciling the hormones #13

i forgot

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ahhh, no

No,

I won’t be departing from my current repertoire.

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366 reasons to smile ~ +348.

+348. Just a wee reminder 😉

#meme reads:

Thou shalt not stress over the opinion of an irrelevant little bitch.

why why why

why do we put up with it?

reconciling the hormones #11

…. captains log:

they’re still resting, I think – tension in my body is slowly easing – mind due I think I could do some damage to any fool that crosses my path right now – and I am thinking about taking one of the walls out – but this is a rented house – so mabes Not … well I feel like smashing something –

but yeah, i think the hormones are settling.

🙂

myself & others

some days I wage war with myself

some days I wage war with others.

today, i’m on ‘others’.

reconciling the hormones #10

they’re

having

a

nice

little

rest.

thank fuck for that!

good morning

After my usual expel-lations, ablutions and logging ins, in the morning, I have another little routine.

I do the rounds.

I check to see if my mama is awake to tell her I love her and I hope she has a lovely day.

I check to see if my babies are alright.

I wave to my neighbour Jim.

I check in on Kara to make sure she hasn’t damaged herself or another(s) 😉

I check AJ to make sure her world is alright ❤

Then Me and my coffee peruse ‘the news’. I try and make that as balanced as possible, depending on my mood.

Sounds well socialised and friendly doesn’t it – although it’s all done online.

This is my new Normal.

This is my ‘freedom’ and contact with the ‘outside’ world.

In the ‘old normal’ I’d be called a recluse. But I’m aight with that now. In fact I tend to embrace that bitch now.

This is Me doing Me the best way I am able, with what I have.

Does it piss Me off that my partner can jump in the car and take off for a 24 hour catch up with his mates? Does it piss Me off that an event I’d like to go to takes 3 weeks to prepare for and usually ends up more work than its worth; thusly cancelling likeable event? Does it annoy the living fuck out of Me that the eye ball roll I get when I ask if we can go for a drive to get an ice-cream is enough to put Me off going all together? Does it piss my fucking edges that I am A Lone most of the time and that sometimes, just sometimes, I want a friend like Minnie from “The Help”?

No. Not at all.

I am what I am For Now. That may change tomorrow or not at all.

Today I am grateful for the friendships I have, the internet, my coffee supply, my reading glasses, the 2 minutes of rain we had and my pyjamas.

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reconciling the hormones #9

Me and Me hormones and Me feng shui today ❤

#meme (poem) reads:

I lied and said I was busy. I was busy;  but not in a way most people understand.

I was busy taking deeper breaths. I was busy silencing irrational thoughts. I was busy calming a racing heart.  I was busy telling myself I am Okay.

Sometimes, this is my busy – and I will not apologise for it.

By B Oakman – titled “Anxiety Doesn’t Knock First”.

i often wonder about the patriarchy

Really?

Yes. Yes I do.

I wonder sometimes if I was a middle to upper class white guy, how much different my world would look right now.

Bare with Me.

Would the pts(d) have gone undiagnosed for so long?    … No.

Why?

Because as a middle to upper class white guy, I would have had access to some dam fine resources; both personally and professionally.

Would a middle to upper class white guy had his bank insurance denied because of a ‘pre-existing condition’, that was not diagnosed by a ‘professional’? …. No.

Why?

Because he just wouldn’t have! Thats why! And technically speaking, refer to the above reasons.

Professionally speaking, as a middle to upper class white guy, would a “medical discharge” from my profession been my only available option? … Also No.

Why?

a. There would have been another ‘niche’ for Me to fill that required ball sacks only. b. There would have been professional avenues extended to Me as an ‘executive’ with ‘formal qualifications’. c. The doors of opportunity would have been thrust open, using my ‘incapabilities’ as an avenue for ‘climbing the ladder’.

As a person with a lack of ball sacks, were these things offered? … No.

Instead, motherhood was a ‘hinderance’ and stifled my ladder climbing abilities apparently.

Although aptly qualified, those became ‘over’ qualifications.

And although security and safety were sadly lacking at my place of employment, and probably led to the re-awakening of pts(d) panic fucks; I was instead asked about my hormones … whether I was having issues at home … whether I was to ‘small’ to work in this environment … and whether my dress code was in need of de-sexualising.

I worked in a kiddy prison for boys aged 14-17, for 4 years and if I had’ve known I had pts(d) prior to working there, I would have re-thought my strategy. Instead I walked in blind, to a patriarchal, systemically misogynistic and racist system, that I was unprepared for.

 

And here I am.

Qualifications still framed on the wall; breathing deeply so the anxiety doesn’t become unbearable … typing away, so I don’t dwell on this shit all day … trying to figure out how on earth I’m going to pay for my tooth to be pulled out … and looking down the barrel of Christmas, again, as a 40+ year old biological woman, whose hormones are fluctuating like fuckery, who owns virtually nothing but the computer gifted to her by her shrink; holes in her undies a massive headache and sweet fuck all to offer ‘the world’.

And … I can’t even say “At least I have my health”.

Days like today … I really do think that being a middle to upper class white guy would’ve been nice.

********

Please Note: No middle to upper class white guys were harmed during the writing of this post.