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got.it.

Starting to get a grip on ‘being me’. Turns out, being me is slightly complex.

Go figure.

But the person that seems to make it more complex than need be…is ME.

Go figure again.

So I breath … and I don’t punch the wall (It hurts).

And I refocus the lens a little and go back to what is important. What the point is.

And like the photographs I like – I take – its all in the minute detail. The teensy weensy macroscopic zoomed in, thing. And when I can see that, I can zoom back.

I’m part of the larger picture.

I just see it differently than some.

And getting a grip on Me means, that this is perfectly and peculiarly, just fine.


#throwback Oct 30, 2015 @ 16:55


 

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so, I did it.

from #bnw series – Jun 3, 2017 @ 15:08

Another re-read and the #throwback of doom from Nov 28, 2015 @ 20:33. Yah know, it doesn’t seem that long ago but its been nearly 3 years. Although I feel slightly deflated cos its nearly 3 years, I also know thats it’s ALL progress … slow and steady.

When this bullshit first started, full-on, way back in 2010 or something like that … I thought it was gonna be a quick pill fix or a change of routine and regime fix. But No. It aint like that at all. Maybe if pts(d) had’ve been diagnosed way back when I was little … or even a teenager … or even in my twenties – oh wait, it was in my twenties … but not fucken treated … so yeah, if it had’ve been, maybe, just maybe, things would be different now. But I cant go down that rabbit hole … thats just depression-inducing.

So here I am, re-reading and noting all the things I did then and all the things I do now. Some of it’s easier, most of its the same. Which leads Me to the following conclusions.

  1. I’m not a people person.
  2. I’m not a social person if that socialising requires Me to ‘fake it’.

Things have changed slightly … I just hope that in the next couplely years they become even better ;)


I’m not sure that I did it well, but I did it…the birthday thing that is. And now I’m back at home in my safe little environment, hooked up to the breather thingy, trying to get my heart rate back down. Holy fuck.

I took my standard equipment…music, earphones, breather, stick, emergency meds, water and a piece of fruit. Next time I’ll take a bigger bag though lol. Yes, I looked like a complete freak and I could see it on the faces of peeps as I walked in. But not to be fazed…as I had a timeframe I wanted to achieve…I headed straight for the sanctity of the ‘nibbles’ table and waited for the paua fritters to arrive lol.

There were shitloads of people…way more than I expected. But I managed most of that pretty well. Even a couple of polite conversations. I struck 2 very lovely peeps…they had a nice aura about them…and I’m not really into the aura thing…but you get my drift. They ‘felt’ nice…and in my little world…that counts for everything. It was also these 2 that I felt most comfortable with. I could see they could see my slightly freaky awkwardness…but they weren’t focused on that…they weren’t overly nice or overly compensating or condescending…they were themselves. I liked that.

But all in all…I did it! Yah me. I’m fucking exhausted now but my heart rates going down slowly…at 78 now. And I was pleased with the partner…he was actually patient with me and didn’t try to talk me out of leaving and congratulated me for doing what I had…that’s progress for us :)

So i’m gonna go and find a nice movie now and make a cup of nanny tea and roll a ciggy and…

Sleep.

Congratulations ME…you achieved what you set out to do…and next time won’t be so hard…yes that’s right, there will be a next time :)

Love and light and lots of fluffy stuff to ME xxoo

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i faced my nemesis’.

these cunts …

And when I say ‘faced’, I mean that literally.

Yesterday had its cunty moments, the least of all being a 7.5 panic attack. Brought on by the impending arrival of roadworks on our doorstep.

In hindsight, I lost my shit cos the buildup to the ‘event’ was rapid and the circumstances that changed as all this impend-a-ment was happening, was also rapid … and was what I imagine a swift kick in the nuts would feel like.

By 1030-11 I was hyperventilating and crying and then sobbing (yah know that ugly fucken sobbing … with snot and incoherence …), walking round in circles trying to find my drugs that I had put away cos I had thought  … “I got this … don’t need those”.

I found the drugs. Continued to hyperventilate and snot everywhere … all the while, literally saying to myself … ‘it’s just a digger … it’s just road works …’.

But I’d lost it lol.

Soooooo

I rang my Mama <3

It occurred to Me a little while back that while my resources are limited – ok, fucken limited – I do have some. My Mama is one who is on my side.

I rang in tears lol and told her what was happening and asked if I could just talk for abit … she was willing to pick Me up if I needed it … but I wanted to Be Brave. Lol. As fucken ridiculous as it sounds; and if you’ve never experienced anxiety on any level let alone pts(d) on a cunty level … Being Brave means a little something different than those who idiots who chose to jump outta plans with parachutes on lol.

This is a different kind of Brave.

So I snotted some more and cried down the phone at my Mama and when I hung up I decided to go check the status of the digger cunt.

They were one house away.

I was feeling braver than I had prior to my convo with Mama, so struck upon a new strategy.

I parked myself on my bed, which faces squarely out the front window onto the road. I opened up my computer and my blog and started finding the posts that made Me feel good … the encouraging ones … the ones where I had tried, failed, succeeded, and tried it all over again. And they all made Me smile.

And as the diggers rolled to our house, the house started shaking abit, but not too badly. The roadworks crew piss assed around and peered through the window at Me staring at them.

They looked awkward as fuck! LOL. And the whole scene made Me laugh out loud.

I felt like some kind of stalker watching them doing their thing … but I also could See the progress, or lack, and could figure out how long they were going to take.

The unknown is the bitch that gets Me and the thing that heightens the anxiety and panic. The noise and shaking sets off the pts(d). Watching them and their work unfold, surprisingly made it bearable. And it was funny as fuck watching them be all awkward and shit!

Soooo … I faced My Fears.

I felt scared but Brave. Not enough for a medal yet, but pretty close ;)

Love and light and fluffy bunnies too Me!

xx


 

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to.day

from #bnw series – Jun 21, 2017 @ 15:01

if the idea is to live

in the present,

like

Grand Master Oogway;

where are all

our fucken heads at?

really?

could this

actually mean,

that me forgetting

my shit,

all the time,

really represents

ME

living

in

the actual

present?

really?

I think so.

Namaste bitches.


#throwback May 5, 2016 @ 10:55


photography & art @kpm-artist 


 

Image

photography .95

 

#geranium #flower_porn #beautiful #nature #photography #photographer #kpm©


photography & art @kpm-artist 


 

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photography .94

#daisy #flowerporn #beauty #nature_love #macro #photoblog #photograph #photography #photographer #kpm©


photography & art @kpm-artist 


 

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Video

under pressure ~ queen / bowie

Under Pressure ~ Queen ft David Bowie, 1981

dont do

england-ness

phonaesthetics

latin rhetoric

don’t give a

shizzle

bout

shakespeare

 or aristotle

care less

bout

bureaucracy

and

bullshiting

spell checking

and

grammar

its dat

feeling

like in

the blues

or by

Bob

that

when it hits yah

yah feel no pain


#throwback May 12, 2016 @ 11:36


 

Image

photography .93

 #bougainvillea #flowerporn #nature_love #macro #photograph #photoblog #photography #photographer #kpm©


photography & art @kpm-artist 


 

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Image

photography .92

#mybackyard #beauty #flowerporn #macro #photoblog #photograph #photography #photographer #kpm©


photography & art @kpm-artist 


 

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