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vulnerable.

is the current status.

not a favourite thing of mine; of anyones really, if i had to think hard about it. but when one is feeling vulnerable, what do they do?

my old go-to, is numb.

numb can come in a variety of packages, usually labelled “don’t take with alcohol” … but when you’re trying to be more than just numb, ‘feeling that shit’ takes a bit of getting used too.

i’m trying to breathe deep. i’m listening & semi-watching d’angelo’s 2015 live jazz festival routine. it’s all kinda working … but not as fast as drugs do.

why the vulnerability?

we went and viewed a house this morning. it’s lovely. and now i’m waiting to see whether we apply for it or not.

what’s the problem?

simplified: it’s not my decision.

which, in a nut-shell, means i am hanging around waiting for someone else to decide my ‘fate’, again.

this is not a new phenomenon. it’s my life post diagnosis & post losing my income. technically speaking, i should be homeless. but i have a partner. a partner who has an income. which, is more than some people have.

but i don’t have any say in the finances, which is new for me. i also don’t spend any money. other than my breakfast cereal and tampons, i don’t ask for anything else. maybe its pride, maybe its cos i don’t want to be a burden, maybe its because i can’t stretch my brain that far. whatever it is, this is the way it is.

so when we have big ‘changes’ come up, i feel like i am sitting in a small dingy with no available oars, waiting for the ‘oar – owner’ to put the dam things in the water and paddle.

i can advise. i can suggest. i can even scream. but at the end of the day, they’re not my oars, i am a ‘guest’ in the dingy & where the fuck else am i supposed to go?

this is why i’ve been pushing so hard (well sort of) to get my pending income sorted. again, its up to someone else.

i’ve learnt over the years that just because someone else has seeming control of my environment, does not mean they have complete control over me. i could decide to be homeless. huh.  that has a nice ring to it ay : homeless by choice!

but instead i remain here, trying to cohabitate with someone who has completely different ideas and ways of being than i do. someone who has resources at their disposal and chooses to do some pretty outrageous shit with said resources.

anyway, i don’t like feeling vulnerable & i’m going to have to work on my state of mind before it eats me up. for now though …

well, for now, i wait.


photography & art @kpm-artist 


 

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so, i thought i did well …

it’s been a week since the exhibition opening & other than the photos from the night, i haven’t really given a blow by blow update. my last post was re: my nerves and the countdown to the night and the blessing that was the rain … and i kinda left it there.

why?

cos its taken most of the week to recover from said events; and it’s taken nearly all week to really process the events.

i got to the exhibition earlier than i needed to – which for me, is a first in a long while. i’ve tended to be bang on time, so i don’t have to wait, or late, so i don’t have to wait. but on the night of the event, it started raining which a. calmed my fuckery right down and b. then i was able to actually look forward to it.

i had prepared for this virtually all year. i wasn’t nervous about exhibiting; was a tad nervous about the people; wasn’t nervous about the venue because i had already seen it when we did the installation. i made sure i was comfortable and wearing an all black ensemble ;) my go-to comfort attire lol. oh, and sneakers of course!

i had my bag of tricks & my ear plugs on the ready. i’d taken a small amount of anti anxiety drugs, but not much considering what i was in for.

when the event actually started and the opening speeches etc were being made, i had a moment where i realised i was standing in the middle of a crowd of about 60-80 people. i felt a pang of anxiousness and then a profound sense of pride i think it was. not because of the exhibition or my art that i could see hanging to the side of me, but because i was ‘here’ … standing … breathing … and being part of something larger than just me & my home & my nerves & my fears.

it brought a little tear to me eye ;)

after all the formalities were done i … wait for it … mingled!! oh yeah … i did LOL!

not sure that i did it very well, but i did it. i was proud of my work as in my art work, but more prouder that i was there! i had a couple people ask me what i had done because i ‘looked well’ … i brushed it off with a ‘thankyou … its the lighting’ lol and a bit of a laugh … but really, i knew it was a years worth of preparing and breathing and freaking out and calming down and breathing some more … i paid for that moment all year … and it was fucking worth it!!!

i took my family though the gallery to view my work and they were as proud as i was. the people that i had collaborated with, were just as proud of me as i was of them.  the group i make art with are all extremely strong women, who have lived hard lives and are all trying to make something better out of their situations. like me. and i love that.

another moment i had was learning that one of my pieces was exhibited in the same building, and just around the corner, from 2 famous maori artists i absolutely admire and adore – Ralph Hotere & Robyn Kahukiwa. Now how absolutely gangstah is that! thats a once in a lifetime experience for me :)

the next biggest moment, was learning that my mothers and brothers art work will both be in the same space next week. i knew they had exhibitions on too, but we hadn’t realised we would all be in the same place at the same time! now how cool is that!!! that is also a once in a lifetime experience for me! that my entire little fams will be exhibiting in the same gallery at the same time … ay, and along side 2 famous artists ;)

anyway … i stayed for 2 1/2 hours. and when we left we drove through town.

i felt overwhelmed, tired, excited, accomplished, relieved and proud, all at the same time.

it was well worth the anxiety and planning and re-planning and sickness and panic attacks even lol.

i’d like to say thankyou to my blogging family, for all your support and encouragement! all the little words of support were awesome and i couldn’t have been there enjoying my moment without the love y’all showed moi.

i appreciate you all immensely xxxx

so, that was me.

that was me & my event.

that was me & my achievements.

that was me & my hard work.

<3

this is the piece that hangs around the corner from Ralph & Robyn ;)

it reads:

on the insides bruh,

we screamed
every.
single.
time.
on the outsides bruh,
we had shit to do
fucking shit to do
shit we did with
grace and finesse
and now bruh,
the inadequacies
yah perpetrated
is the fluid
that fuels
our rage
keeps us screaming bruh
change
change
change
check your fucking self
keep your fists on the grind
your dick in yo pants
your mana intact
bruh

photography & art @kpm-artist 

reconciling the hormones #84

it feels like my uterus is making its way up my spine, then

decides against that,

turns round & heads back toward my asshole.

just to linger there, pulsating,

& torturing my insides with contraction like pains.

great.

i was looking forward to this bastard showing up.


not.


kpm©


 

humble?

apparently,

i should show abit more ‘humble-ness’:

says the cunt who steals ideas

that aint his own.

so fuck that & fuck him.

don’t dim my motherfucking light!


kpm©


 

update:

so, we got back last night:

overall, i was fucking awesome.

not just the exhibition, but the days before & after, which were jam packed with more stuff than i usually would do in like,  6 months.

but now i’m blowing chunks like that chick off’ve the old exorcist movie.

& it appears that i have another layer of fuckery to manage …

post-victories.

oh well: @ least i didn’t blow on the exhibition ;)


i shall do an update with photos when me & the porcelain have finished bonding.


kpm©


 

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phase 2 – and its raining :)

its been a tentative couple days and now i’m an hour and a half away from the exhibition … eeeekkkkk lol.

i’m managing my nerves … just.

i am rolling with it all; as much as i can. cos whats the worst that can happen ay? i can pass out? throw up … both …

oh well lol.

and then the goddesses must’a heard my mumblings … and she sent rain … my beautiful calming rain <3


photography & art @kpm-artist 


 

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art installation: phase 1, complete-ish

installation is semi-complete …

and i did fucking awesome i must say.

i did new faces and smells and spaces and sounds.

i did negotiations and staircases and heights – eeeekkkk.

i pretty proud of me right now.

and i’m happily fucking tired.


photography & art @kpm-artist 


 

really.

saying, on the one hand, its just fine that i be me-self.

and, on the other hand, i impede the right you think you have to grope me, with my boundaries thusly labelled as an ‘illness’;

is not fucking ok.

its also a tad rapey.


kpm©