unfucking thyself 101.98




Homai to Aroha



Strange old times … shits good … but shits strange. Good, strange lol.

My art has always been a bit of a love hate relationship … but I think thats because it’s my emotion … and it’s about the only way I know how to do emotion.

I can bullet point emotion … and possibly even explain it from a cognitive point.

But I don’t feely feelings.

And up until recently I thought that was ‘wrong’; because the ‘quo’ will tell us that we should be less compartmentalised and all balanced and whole and shit.

And … then I figured out that that is some bullshit.

Don’t know whether it’s more colonial bullshit or just bullshit made up by some wanker who thought they were right.

How do I know its bullshit?

Because none of Us is the same. Not even slightly. We all process experiences differently … even hear differently lol … thinking of the latest Yanny versus Laurel debate haha.

None of us Do the same … doesn’t it then go figure that we are going to do emotion differently?

Well it does to Me now … and I’m Ok with it.

My art is my ‘feeling’, and embracing that has made Me appreciate my process more, instead of dreading it.




unfucking thyself 101.96




Homai to Aroha



So between where I live and where my Mama lives there is this old house. It sits all by its little self, abandoned, in a field of grass.

Now we’ve been passing this house for god knows how long … 5-6 years … and every time we go past, and if I’m not hyperventilating and holding onto my seat … or crying or having a panic attack … I usually look up and notice it and say to my partner … “I want to stop and take a photo of that house oneday”. And then we drive on and I continue doing what ever breathing or freaking out shit I was doing.

Well, today I decided to go and see my Mama. 1st big call of the day, cos its been a busy week for Me. But I wanted to go help her with her cleaning and to be honest, I’m getting sick of being lame. I get I need to rest when I need to rest, and I can’t run on adrenalin … adrenalin is not my friend! … but I needed to do this. So that decided, the 2nd big call of the day was announcing to the partner on the way out the door, that I wanted to drive from our driveway to the 100k sign just on the outskirts of our little village.

Gasp. LOL.

He was a lot surprised, but I wanted to keep some momentum going re driving. So I did that.

Moment of stunned silence and a moment of victory dance ensemble.


With that done and Me getting out of the driving seat I said to the partner (2nd announcement lol) … “You know that house we drive past and I say I want to stop and photograph it one day?” … “Yep” says He. “Yeah well, today we are stopping so I can photograph it. Ok. Okay.”

Again he looked a little surprised lol.

Off we went and we stopped and I photographed it.

Is it the worlds best photograph? Nope.

Is it even a picturesque scene? Nope.

Do I like it? Yes.

Do I feel like a winner … lol? Yes. Yes I do.

You see … it occurred to Me somewhere in this week, that I need to do what I want to do … Now. Not wait for ‘another’ time, or the right time, or a better time … because that never comes.

There is no right or better. Theres just Here and Now.

I’ve been doing the best I can with what I have for a very long time and haven’t really stopped to appreciate the fact that it is All good. That every little step; every photograph; every little quiver or perceived ‘fuck up’; every little breathe; every little shitfest or crying fit; every little and big scream; every running in the opposite direction … is Just Fine.

Because Today … I got to take my photograph.

That makes Today a good day to be alive :)


unfucking thyself 101.93




Homai to Aroha



Cos I haven’t been taking pics like I was … I’m nearly all tapped out on the fresh photograph front … so heres a re-use, and btw it’s my little icon thingy … and for those that thought it was a big white dot … it is: It’s called the Moon ;)

So this mindfulness thing hasn’t really got anything to do with the moon … but if you can find a deep spiritual connection between the 2, go for it ;)

Now, this is going to sound critical and judgey but oh well … it is whats on my mind at the moment …

Today … I’ve had a guts full of those well meaning self-help – advice bullshit bastards that are dishing out the navel gazing, westernised deep meditation advice and ‘how toos’ … like its a new thing! Like its their invention and that they came up with the shit in the first place.

Usually I can sift through and take what I need from all of this stuff, but I fell upon an article about chakras and realignment etc and part the way through reading it, I was thinking, this sounds familiar … aside from the eastern arts that ‘it’ came from …

I had a look through one of my old note books from a lady that teaches our RomiRomi …

And yes, lo and behold what do I find in there … the breathing, the balancing, the realigning of our ‘waters’ / or our energies.

It’s all ancient. It’s all what we were prior to being colonised and consumerised … and I aint just talking about the brown peeps … I’m talking all Indigenous. Because we all were once.

It annoys Me. Well today it annoys Me. Tomorrow I’ll hopefully be able to roll with it again. And my point:

Acknowledge those that have gone before you …  the ancients and their wisdom … whether it be from your culture or someone elses. Acknowledge that … acknowledge them. Your fat head didn’t come up with that shit on your own. JS.



photography .42

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365 reasons to smile ~ 45.

45. The fuck-it bucket 😆

#throwback Feb 14, 2016 … and still as valid AF! x



yes: i’m congratulating myself … again …

Think I said the other day I was off to spend the day with my Mama … going for a little road trip … and Yes of course I was nervous.

Always fucking nervous … thats Me.

Yes, I sedated. Yes, I shook and walked around in circles for at least an hour. Yes, I wondered if I should pull the plug.

But No … I did Not.

Decided to do selfies this time ;)

Lucky Chucks applied … Favourite Jacket donned … and comfy Undies on lol … Note: don’t go anywhere in uncomfortable grutts if your an anxiety ridden fucker … it makes matters 100% worse!


I had 1 thing I wanted to do in town, to do with my photographs for the exhibition.

Whilst thats a simple matter for others, its a mind-bending-fucker for Me.

But lucky Chucks applied … and my Mama to help Me … we got there. I made sure I had all my bits and pieces as per usual (orange, water, ice pack, knife, meds, earphones, ear plugs, sunglasses …) and made sure I wore my sunglasses inside and the ear plugs too.

What I was trying to achieve this time round too, was getting used to the noises, smells and sights, gradually. So when we got in the shop and I could feel the ‘heavy’ of all the bright lights and all the plastic smells, the people smells and a few other foul mixtures in there … I sniffed my orange and waited (theres that word again arrghhh) for my senses to adjust … instead of taking off immediately. They did adjust to some; others, not so much.

But I talked to the lady behind the counter and asked the questions I wanted … and Mama helped and filled in when I forgot or couldnt get my head round it all … It was cool!! The tagteam effort I mean! It took a little while, but we got it done.

Heres the proof lol.

I managed to hang around while Mama got the things she needed too :)

When we were done we headed off again.

We stopped for a coffee … *pause for a big grin lol* … I love coffee!

The place we stopped was noisy as fuck so I left my ear plugs in. The smell of the diesel and petrol from the traffic was slightly overwhelming but I managed. Again … I tried to wait and let my senses adjust.

We finally got to the beach (its the beach about an hour away from ours … same coastline but further south).

Slight digression: We managed the new motorway bullshit … suffice to say, I didnt like it … at all … (neither did Mama ;) ) but I managed it … But, WTF NZ? What are we doing motorways like that for? … in NZ? I mean really, we’re as small as fuck as a country and we’ve just run a huge ass motorway through the middle of what was some pristine looking countryside …

Anywho, back to the beach …  it was my kind of weather … dark, cold, rainy and calming as fuck on the senses!!!

Here she is in all the B&W glory that I love:

And one in colour :)

Mama said she was proud of Me. And  I was fucking proud of Me!

I want to start doing this more … just a little bit at a time.

Post-day out, my sinuses are overloaded, my head aches and my body is aching. It was worth it! But it’s also made Me aware that the more I do, the more it’ll effect my body … gives Me something else to work on and towards though.

So heres to Me and all my gangstah-ness LOL!

Love and light peeps … love and light xo


365 reasons to smile ~ 41.

41. Walking in the ocean :)

#throwback Feb 10, 2016, and I still enjoy this <3



reconciling the hormones #69


So, apparently no biological woman has died from / during Menopause.

But …

Do we know if any partner of a menopausal woman, has been greviously harmed / killed during the course of them saying something extremely stupid to said menopausal woman?

*asking for a friend*