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unfucking thyself 101.98

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

98.

Strange old times … shits good … but shits strange. Good, strange lol.

My art has always been a bit of a love hate relationship … but I think thats because it’s my emotion … and it’s about the only way I know how to do emotion.

I can bullet point emotion … and possibly even explain it from a cognitive point.

But I don’t feely feelings.

And up until recently I thought that was ‘wrong’; because the ‘quo’ will tell us that we should be less compartmentalised and all balanced and whole and shit.

And … then I figured out that that is some bullshit.

Don’t know whether it’s more colonial bullshit or just bullshit made up by some wanker who thought they were right.

How do I know its bullshit?

Because none of Us is the same. Not even slightly. We all process experiences differently … even hear differently lol … thinking of the latest Yanny versus Laurel debate haha.

None of us Do the same … doesn’t it then go figure that we are going to do emotion differently?

Well it does to Me now … and I’m Ok with it.

My art is my ‘feeling’, and embracing that has made Me appreciate my process more, instead of dreading it.

:)

 

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unfucking thyself 101.96

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

96.

So between where I live and where my Mama lives there is this old house. It sits all by its little self, abandoned, in a field of grass.

Now we’ve been passing this house for god knows how long … 5-6 years … and every time we go past, and if I’m not hyperventilating and holding onto my seat … or crying or having a panic attack … I usually look up and notice it and say to my partner … “I want to stop and take a photo of that house oneday”. And then we drive on and I continue doing what ever breathing or freaking out shit I was doing.

Well, today I decided to go and see my Mama. 1st big call of the day, cos its been a busy week for Me. But I wanted to go help her with her cleaning and to be honest, I’m getting sick of being lame. I get I need to rest when I need to rest, and I can’t run on adrenalin … adrenalin is not my friend! … but I needed to do this. So that decided, the 2nd big call of the day was announcing to the partner on the way out the door, that I wanted to drive from our driveway to the 100k sign just on the outskirts of our little village.

Gasp. LOL.

He was a lot surprised, but I wanted to keep some momentum going re driving. So I did that.

Moment of stunned silence and a moment of victory dance ensemble.

Thankyou.

With that done and Me getting out of the driving seat I said to the partner (2nd announcement lol) … “You know that house we drive past and I say I want to stop and photograph it one day?” … “Yep” says He. “Yeah well, today we are stopping so I can photograph it. Ok. Okay.”

Again he looked a little surprised lol.

Off we went and we stopped and I photographed it.

Is it the worlds best photograph? Nope.

Is it even a picturesque scene? Nope.

Do I like it? Yes.

Do I feel like a winner … lol? Yes. Yes I do.

You see … it occurred to Me somewhere in this week, that I need to do what I want to do … Now. Not wait for ‘another’ time, or the right time, or a better time … because that never comes.

There is no right or better. Theres just Here and Now.

I’ve been doing the best I can with what I have for a very long time and haven’t really stopped to appreciate the fact that it is All good. That every little step; every photograph; every little quiver or perceived ‘fuck up’; every little breathe; every little shitfest or crying fit; every little and big scream; every running in the opposite direction … is Just Fine.

Because Today … I got to take my photograph.

That makes Today a good day to be alive :)

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unfucking thyself 101.93

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

93.

Cos I haven’t been taking pics like I was … I’m nearly all tapped out on the fresh photograph front … so heres a re-use, and btw it’s my little icon thingy … and for those that thought it was a big white dot … it is: It’s called the Moon ;)

So this mindfulness thing hasn’t really got anything to do with the moon … but if you can find a deep spiritual connection between the 2, go for it ;)

Now, this is going to sound critical and judgey but oh well … it is whats on my mind at the moment …

Today … I’ve had a guts full of those well meaning self-help – advice bullshit bastards that are dishing out the navel gazing, westernised deep meditation advice and ‘how toos’ … like its a new thing! Like its their invention and that they came up with the shit in the first place.

Usually I can sift through and take what I need from all of this stuff, but I fell upon an article about chakras and realignment etc and part the way through reading it, I was thinking, this sounds familiar … aside from the eastern arts that ‘it’ came from …

I had a look through one of my old note books from a lady that teaches our RomiRomi …

And yes, lo and behold what do I find in there … the breathing, the balancing, the realigning of our ‘waters’ / or our energies.

It’s all ancient. It’s all what we were prior to being colonised and consumerised … and I aint just talking about the brown peeps … I’m talking all Indigenous. Because we all were once.

It annoys Me. Well today it annoys Me. Tomorrow I’ll hopefully be able to roll with it again. And my point:

Acknowledge those that have gone before you …  the ancients and their wisdom … whether it be from your culture or someone elses. Acknowledge that … acknowledge them. Your fat head didn’t come up with that shit on your own. JS.

xo

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photography .42

#bnw #bnwphotography #bnwmood #bnwfeels #riverjourney #continued #hiruharama #whanganui #aotearoa #shadows #tones #dark #cool #calm #natureloving #macro  #macrophotography #themightyriver #ranginui #photos #photograph #photoblog #photography #photographer #kpm ©

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365 reasons to smile ~ 45.

45. The fuck-it bucket 😆

#throwback Feb 14, 2016 … and still as valid AF! x

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yes: i’m congratulating myself … again …

Think I said the other day I was off to spend the day with my Mama … going for a little road trip … and Yes of course I was nervous.

Always fucking nervous … thats Me.

Yes, I sedated. Yes, I shook and walked around in circles for at least an hour. Yes, I wondered if I should pull the plug.

But No … I did Not.

Decided to do selfies this time ;)

Lucky Chucks applied … Favourite Jacket donned … and comfy Undies on lol … Note: don’t go anywhere in uncomfortable grutts if your an anxiety ridden fucker … it makes matters 100% worse!

#YourWelcome

I had 1 thing I wanted to do in town, to do with my photographs for the exhibition.

Whilst thats a simple matter for others, its a mind-bending-fucker for Me.

But lucky Chucks applied … and my Mama to help Me … we got there. I made sure I had all my bits and pieces as per usual (orange, water, ice pack, knife, meds, earphones, ear plugs, sunglasses …) and made sure I wore my sunglasses inside and the ear plugs too.

What I was trying to achieve this time round too, was getting used to the noises, smells and sights, gradually. So when we got in the shop and I could feel the ‘heavy’ of all the bright lights and all the plastic smells, the people smells and a few other foul mixtures in there … I sniffed my orange and waited (theres that word again arrghhh) for my senses to adjust … instead of taking off immediately. They did adjust to some; others, not so much.

But I talked to the lady behind the counter and asked the questions I wanted … and Mama helped and filled in when I forgot or couldnt get my head round it all … It was cool!! The tagteam effort I mean! It took a little while, but we got it done.

Heres the proof lol.

I managed to hang around while Mama got the things she needed too :)

When we were done we headed off again.

We stopped for a coffee … *pause for a big grin lol* … I love coffee!

The place we stopped was noisy as fuck so I left my ear plugs in. The smell of the diesel and petrol from the traffic was slightly overwhelming but I managed. Again … I tried to wait and let my senses adjust.

We finally got to the beach (its the beach about an hour away from ours … same coastline but further south).

Slight digression: We managed the new motorway bullshit … suffice to say, I didnt like it … at all … (neither did Mama ;) ) but I managed it … But, WTF NZ? What are we doing motorways like that for? … in NZ? I mean really, we’re as small as fuck as a country and we’ve just run a huge ass motorway through the middle of what was some pristine looking countryside …

Anywho, back to the beach …  it was my kind of weather … dark, cold, rainy and calming as fuck on the senses!!!

Here she is in all the B&W glory that I love:

And one in colour :)

Mama said she was proud of Me. And  I was fucking proud of Me!

I want to start doing this more … just a little bit at a time.

Post-day out, my sinuses are overloaded, my head aches and my body is aching. It was worth it! But it’s also made Me aware that the more I do, the more it’ll effect my body … gives Me something else to work on and towards though.

So heres to Me and all my gangstah-ness LOL!

Love and light peeps … love and light xo

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365 reasons to smile ~ 41.

41. Walking in the ocean :)

#throwback Feb 10, 2016, and I still enjoy this <3

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reconciling the hormones #69

Ok.

So, apparently no biological woman has died from / during Menopause.

But …

Do we know if any partner of a menopausal woman, has been greviously harmed / killed during the course of them saying something extremely stupid to said menopausal woman?

*asking for a friend*