just a hello and a welcome to the tonne of newbies .. i see yous and thankyou for the follow!
so, as you peruse, you’ll see there doesnt seem to be much of a structure to this blog lol .. & thats purposeful.
i know i know.
i write & dump & hollah & scream & upload & download & dump some more .. as i feel.
for me, this is entirely the essence of anxiety & pts(d) for me.
within it, i’ve found some kinda semblance of balance & peace.
@ the end of the day thats all im trying to do really.
if you find some kind of something out of it too, then cool. & youre welcome lol.
but dont try to figure it out. you’ll just mind fuck yo’self lol & no-one wants that ay.
anyways .. welcome to you all .. even those selling yo wares .. yeah i see yous too …
i was absolutely perfect just the way i am.
roll with me for a sec.
if i had nothing to master, strive for, or attain, where exactly would that leave me .. knowing that i already am enough.
i love playing music.
i could succumb to the notion that i can’t play music properly. that there is a proper way to do it.
a flow to be had, a way to learn.
and until i had learned-ded it, i wouldn’t never be completely competent in that genre.
i would probably need to spend a large sum of money to attain this attainment, some kind of degree or something, so a large wad of debt perhaps ..
then maybe i could play music.
but what if all i needed was
love for it.
wouldn’t that make me competent already.
how and when i play music isnt really the point ay.
i can push play
i got ears to hear.
toes to tap.
hips to swing
doesn’t that make me competent enough.
Now take that theory and lay it over everything we’ve ever been taught about achieving and attaining shit.
girl on fire ~ alicia keys, 2012
they actually were more concerned with not upsetting him rather than not upsetting me.
& now, it’s amusing that I’m anxious & afraid .
still more interested in getting their own gratification in whatever form than listening to what I have I survived, become, endured, .. you just want the comfortable parts.
well i’m all out of that shit sir.
grieve some more.
let it go.
& then move the fuck on.
start by doing right by you.
10 years of alone in my misery & learning.
what the fuck you think I been doing mate.
yep, figuring out my own shit & how to live with it.
& now you wanna have prayer circles & speak to the dead.
now you want to decolonise and admit how terrified you are.
after all the bs.
hey .. it’s emotionally fucking draining.
& is this what they call “emotional labour” ??
it’s a new phase of radical self care as I watch those who gonna implode, implode.
cos, like i says :
anger or is it inadequacies?
your shit .. focussed at me?
the words, the actions, the shifts, the changes, the blame, the yelling. the shits.
yes I pick up them vibes.
i don’t understand completely what they are, i just know they gonna cost me something.
& guess what.
that is all.
#pohutukawa #aotearoa #nature #kpm©
kpm © : ig @kpm-artist
all the little pieces i dropped along the way.
in order to survive.
to lean in.
& lean out.
i gotta find.
welcoming back to my repertoire.
only what i want.
& here’s why.
there are no prior warnings to being sexually assaulted as a child.
so it is with the same grace that is shown them, that I afford a nil TW with regards to CSA.
we’ve become another gen & legacy that closes our eyes & ears to anything that makes us uncomfortable. & when we tooooo uncomfortable, we blame the info or the messenger of said info, for that discomfort, instead of examining the reasons of & for the info.
them days are tired.
for a fuller extensive version of the one & only TW I’ve ever given, go to the link in the bio.
‘& where u been for the last decade ..’
ewwwww, bitch please.
judge not lest u wana be motherfuckin judged_ith yoself.
To expand ..
A recent conversation with an ‘out of touch friend’, had bold yet stenchy lil undertones .. fragrance was, fear with a large dolop of judgement.
I understood the fear.
I been doing my work.
I been doing my healing.
& I don’t owe you shit.
If you’d wanted to know you would’ve asked, years ago.
But you weren’t interested then and youre not interested now.
You just want me to make you feel better about yo’self.
It don’t work that way!
we could write a thesis on this shit .. but it tiring af.
today i was told i was ‘too angry’.
ever wondered why?
#celebrations #love #kpm©
kpm © : ig @kpm-artist
I realised quite a few years ago, ( as another part of this whole decolonising hikoi ) that all the info I was being ‘fed’, was white. that’s just the way it is, or so I was told.
so I decided to remedy that by filtering out all white white resources .. which means, I don’t do white news, or white movies, or white ‘scientific’ facts, or white medical facts .. my first port of call is ancestors, brown / indigenous & black. white is an after thought.
easy peasy you might think?
it took about a year, after filtering out the other, to build up decent go-to resources of the BIPOC persuasion.
lately, as I’ve watched our world implode, I’ve realised that Most, not all, but most peeps, even my own, still refer to the white methodologies, resources, references & advice first .. & everything else .. maybe .. as an after thought.
you want to understand? like, really? change who & what you listen too.
it won’t take you long from there, to see & understand the disparity. feel & understand the struggle & the tenacity of survival. watch & witness the resilience & brilliance of thriving.
you can’t fuck with that.
Ps, the whitest resource I own is FB 😂 JS .. & that is coming to a close real soon ✊🏾
(I don’t own & can’t take credit for the picture)
criticise all you like ..
i know what my demons look like.
there is this moment.
everything else is a fantasy.
or a memory.
that also means, there is no right and wrong, attainable bs.
there is just, this moment.
hold onto everything loosely.
the conversations, or lack thereof really, has been completely fucking interesting.
to those that fucked with this on a deep ass level .. who felt it completely .. i hear you!!
dont ever shut your mouth!!
as an addendum, on the original post, i added .. just so we know <3