fuck ups

have you ever seen

the escalation of

fuck ups

at work?

how they roll

one into another

like a giant snow ball?

fyi

don’t take your eye off the ball

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reconciling the hormones #61

So my sedative intake, apart from the antihistamines (which is down to about 1/2 every week), is about the same. And I’m still discerning the difference between a hot flush and a panic fuck … they are so similar it is spooky!

I had an interesting conversation with my Mama whilst we were away … about the menopause situation etc. She was watching Me sweat and quiver and quietly freak out and very nicely asking if I was alright … and then she remembered that she had started having hot flushes when she was in her mid-30s and they were exasperated or brought on when she exerted herself and / or got angry.

I had a super-duper AH-Fucking-HAH moment I tell yah! I could relate perfectly … so I’m hoping that based on those dates / years … I should nearly be done with menopause !!! LOL.

But after this conversation we got onto what a panic attack feels like … signs, symptoms, what brings them on … and hit on something in that jumble fuck.

That if my hormones are doing what they should, but in essence I feel completely out of control of my body … it follows that thats what brings on the panic fuck.

I don’t like being out of control … especially of my … Yes, MY … body, thanks to pts fucking d.  So something else to work on I guess … like I didn’t have enough already pfft!

Anyway … so heres to another week of hormone imbalance-rebalance-apparently all in fucking balance survival!

Cheers Me 🙂

#meme is a cartoon picture of an older biological woman sitting in an arm chair in front of one big ass fan!

Caption reads: When I asked for a smoking hot body, menopause was not quite what I had in mind.

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unfucking thyself 101.54

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

54.

One of the things I loved about the River and the land surrounding it, was the layers. There were layers upon layers of beauty and sound (or lack of sound) everywhere we went. The colours, or lack of colours, were beautiful too. Everything seemed as it should be. It perfect sync with everything else. It was quite obvious when you came across something that had been ‘altered’ by a human lol … but everything else was just as it should be … and of course, just how I like it. ‘Overgrowen’, aka ‘growing naturally’ … Quiet, except for nature sounds … No intrusive smells, just grass, trees, clean air.

I thought my place was quiet but this was even quieter. No noise pollution at all.

And guess what … Not difficult to be all mindful and shit out here … in fact I’d say it’s the epitome of mindfulness, without the effort!

Absolutely perfect.


#Photograph is a macro shot of a white wildflower bush in the foreground and in the background is Our River and the native bush on the other side of the bank.

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unfucking thyself 101.53

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

53.

It’s been an utterly amazing journey up to Whanganui and back. I’m still tired but happy … or content … I’m not sure which one … or both … oh whatever … I’m good!

The River.

Me and my Mama went up to find our tipuna (ancestors). That was the mish anyways.

We didn’t find her.

But we found the start … or end … of the journey She took to end up where she did.

Slightly mysterious I know … but that seems to be the way. And talk about mess with my sense of ‘achievement’, ‘getting it done Now’ and all the pedantic shit!

Thats not how this is going to get done we’ve discovered.

Like the Awa (River) … it’s a slow, methodical, unfolding and emotional process. It’s not going to be a matter of googling it and it’s done.

We met peeps … we talked … we told our story … they told theirs … they talked about ‘the River’ and it’s people … which is Us too we’ve realised …

I did all the things that I usually can’t / won’t / don’t like doing!

Anywho … this photograph was at the top of some bad ass cliffs that lead onto the road that takes you up the River. Scared the living shit out of Me! But I got my pic … and surprisingly, many more after that.

To say the Awa is majestic is an understatement. It’s something I haven’t quite got the words for yet.

Over the next little while I’ll post the pics from our trip … the whole dam experience was one mindfulness mind / heart / emotion fuck! A good one though …

 

argue …

you know what …

i don’t think

i have anything

to add to this

particular

argument.

wow.

thats a new place

For Me.

#JS

Tired.

Happy,

But

Tired.

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introducing

An Anomaly.

So defined as:

anomaly

An anomaly is an abnormality, a blip on the screen of life that doesn’t fit with the rest of the pattern. If you are a breeder of black dogs and one puppy comes out pink, that puppy is an anomaly.


So, thats Me.

An anomaly.

And quite happy

at present,

with all of that.

hey, did i …

did i tell yah

bout the cunt next door?

new cunt …

thinks the volume

dial on his stereo

should be louder

than the birds

chirping,

and the waves of

the ocean crashing …

I can feel my

golf club, and I

making a trip

next door

to make our

acquaintance …

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unfucking thyself 101.48

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

48.

Over the next few days you’ll get the scheduled edition of mindfulness (lol, yes I just made that shit up!) as I take you through my rather wild garden. The day I took most of the following photographs, it was raining … made it all the more pleasant … all the more mindful 😉

You know … nature does exactly as it pleases … when it pleases … with whatever it pleases!

It’s taken ages (like a few years actually), to figure out how to work with the patterns and flows of the environment around Me. Sure, I could just rip shit and bust everything and stake my claim to it all … and I surely have tried this method before … but it just doesn’t have the same appeal anymore … and theres something quite challenging, and rewarding, about learning from the greatest teacher of all 🙂

#Photograph is a macro shot of a new flower on my pumpkin plant.

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so … the hikoi is on …

Remember the father issues, the deletion and taking a trip with my Mama to find our tipuna?

Well, the day(s) have arrived.

Am I nervous?

Yes.

Am I excited?

Yes.

Do they both feel pretty much the fucking same?

Yes. Yes they do.

But I think I’m ready.

Wish Me luck ❤