hey you

congrats on having survived 30 odd years of shallow breathing.

*insert eye ball roll*


kpm©


qt .4

breath bitch.

in : 1 . dot 2. dot 3. dot 4. dot

out : 1. dot 2. dot 3. dot 4. dot

& again.


kpm ©


 

bre-ath

i cant breathe.

not breath.

but breathe.


kpm ©


 

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a quick catchup / update

So, it’s been a cunty few weeks. Not an entire cunt, as in a bad cunt … just a generalised cunty – Yes. There is a difference. Your welcome.

I’m not even sure when I last updated and what that update was actually about. It would seem like an obvious thing … ‘check your last post dick’ – but I’ve also been re-doing my photos and making more room, so I’ve kinda got lost on what is a post; whats a repost; whats a read to catchup; whats a fucking whimsical moment of ‘ohhh, look how far I’ve come’ … and now I’m here trying to do an update … Geezus.

Anywho … where was I: thats right … Updates.

The big highlight … I went to moko 1’s talent quest competition thingee. Yup big deal for Me. Even though I’ve been practicing with the outing thing and using my ear plugs regularly, I still get nervous about going out. Especially into crowds. But moko had rung and asked Me to come and watch him play the drums and I knew I needed to go.

I did all my usual things … and took more drugs than I probably needed, but I was feeling particularly ‘sicky’ anxiety-ridden .. yah know: where you feel like hurling and / or passing out but it doesn’t quite happen … yeah well thats what it felt like a few days before I went and on the day of.

BUT … I went. Moko was absolutely awesome. Like amazingly so … he plays the drums like an adult whose practiced for 20 odd years. And as for mokos talent quest- he won! I was super super proud of him and apparently was the loudest and telling him how awesome he was!!! And I was extremely pleased I went!

Then we’ve had birthday madness, which has been tiringly cool … *is there such a thing? … apparently there is now* … and we’re only part way through our birthday bashes. Theres another couple to go and the birth of moko 6 is pending ;)

I’m officially the mother of a 30 year old now ;) I am so proud of my girl … she’s due to give birth and she’s looking tired but so beautiful at the same time. She’s an amazing person … strong, thoughtful, forthright … and one hell of a mama <3

We had her birthday out here, which was a challenge but one I actually enjoyed. We had the mokos for a few days after and that was another huge challenge for Me but one I managed and ended up thoroughly enjoying!

~

Digress and Note:

I had a slight epiphany thingee about a week or so before my girls birthday. We were discussing having the mokos so she could have a bit of a rest which led Me to feeling as sick as fuck and as nervous as fuck … thusly realising even more so than normal, that the 2 seem to go hand in hand for Me. In amongst that bullshit I again, duly noted this-ly:

Whether the mokos come or not … whether I go for a walk or not … whether theres a birthday here or not … whether I go into a crowded space or not … I May or May Not be Ok.

Another words … If I am waiting to Be Alright, it might never happen.

As morbid and defeatist as that sorta sounds, it was in all actuality, one of ‘those’ moments.

So I said Yes to the birthday. I said Yes to the mokos. And I was tired. I did have dizzy spells and I did need to freak out and do my breathing thingees and even take an anti-anxiety med.

Were the mokos bothered? Nope.

Was the birthday ruined? Nope.

Were there a few awkward moments whilst they asked what was happening to Me? For fucking Sure! But I can deal with awkward moments ;)

~

So, just before the birthday, we heard from our landlord and they’ve decided to put off the selling of their house till the end of the year. Whew we thought. Then another house came up around this area and we thought we might be in luck.

Somewhere in that process my gutt was doing somersaults and this time I listened.

Turns out the land agent for that house increased the rent and the price she had told us it would be, wasn’t the Real price. Dodgy bitch alright … so we declined. We’re still feeling a little nervous about our housing options out here, but surprisingly its my partner that is more nervous than Me. Now thats a first!!!

So fingers crossed it works out!

Pending: Like I said we have 2 more birthdays and the birth of moko 6 coming up.

Moko 5s 1st birthday is going to be held at my in-laws.

Yep. Deep deep breathe.

In the great scheme of things, you think this wouldn’t be such  a big worry … however … I haven’t been to the in-laws for like, 5 or 6 years.

Theres a reason for that … well a few actually … suffice to say; they do my head and nerves in.

I’ve been wrestling with myself about even going … but have decided I’d be a complete dick if I didn’t … so over the next couple weeks I’m going to get my ‘resource kit’ together and put a time frame in place for the day. It’s a shame really … cos it’s taking away from  mokos special day … not that they’ll notice … but for my own sanity I’m really gonna have to dig deep!

oh ….

The painting has been going good and I’ve nearly finished all 13 pieces for the exhibition. And No, I’m not ready for that eeek … but I’m not thinking about that until October. I’ve got it scheduled in lol.

I’m half way through my goals that I set at the beginning of the year, so pretty stoked with that … still haven’t gone in to the art classes but not too worried about that one … the camp at the beginning of the year was the biggie for Me :)

Anywho … thats about it for now … theres a couple separate updates and shoutouts I wanna do. So for now … Love and Light and all that shit, from Me at My Beach ;)


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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fcuked day …

To scared to get in the shower

To scared to take a shit

To scared to breathe

To scared to breathe

It’s a motherfucking day

That I haven’t had this bad

In a long fucking while.

My money is on the fucked

Flashback bullshit.

The one where I can’t breathe …

So upside down I go,

Flat on my back …

breathing slowly

taking photos.

thats it.


kpm ©


 

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unfucked today.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

I’m not really sure the photograph does the ‘mindful moment’ justice. But there it is anyways …

I went to the beach again (Yuss! A ‘Win’ to Me today) … and it was peopley, even! It was so hot I pretty much didn’t give a flying fuck about anyone else … and even went for a swim in my undies LOL.

But as I was making like a beached whale, and not looking for any particular mindfulness moment, one smashed Me in the face in the form of a giant wave!

Now a couple things came to ‘mind’ …

I think this whole mindfulness routine is supposed to be a ‘being in the present’ – ‘appreciating the moment’ kinda thing … but what I did wonder in my moment, whilst gulping large amounts of salt water … was:

Who defined what past, present and future actually is?

Because it occurred to Me today, that in my ‘culture’, there really isn’t such a thing. It’s all fluid.

It just Is.

Emotions. Thoughts. Events. They’re All Right Here, Right Now, even if they were 10 years ago.

Which got Me onto the 2nd thing.

A few years ago a man I knew (he is a ‘healer’, in Our sense of the word), who has since passed, was talking about listening and learning from nature. That sitting in the rain will give you lessons in ‘feeling’ and being ‘present’, so to speak.

That sitting in Tangaroa (the Ocean), will give you lessons in breathing and ‘being present’, so to speak. Because if you’re not watching what Tangaroa is doing; how he’s changing and rolling … you Will definitely get smacked up the side of the head by an enormous wave, And you won’t be able to breath lol.

I Got That Today.

Tangaroa is a huge force that is continuously changing his ebbs and flows and currents: he’s predictable – but completely unpredictable.

Isn’t that exactly how Life is?

<3


kpm ©


 

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so, I did it.

another re-read & addendum @ august 2018.

 Yah know, it doesn’t seem that long ago but its been nearly 3 years. Although I feel slightly deflated cos its nearly 3 years, I also know thats it’s ALL progress … slow and steady.

When this bullshit first started, full-on, way back in 2010 or something like that … I thought it was gonna be a quick pill fix or a change of routine and regime fix. But No. It aint like that at all. Maybe if pts(d) had’ve been diagnosed way back when I was little … or even a teenager … or even in my twenties – oh wait, it was in my twenties … but not fucken treated … so yeah, if it had’ve been, maybe, just maybe, things would be different now. But I cant go down that rabbit hole … thats just depression-inducing.

So here I am, re-reading and noting all the things I did then and all the things I do now. Some of it’s easier, most of its the same. Which leads Me to the following conclusions.

  1. I’m not a people person.
  2. I’m not a social person if that socialising requires Me to ‘fake it’.

Things have changed slightly … I just hope that in the next couplely years they become even better ;)


I’m not sure that I did it well, but I did it…the birthday thing that is. And now I’m back at home in my safe little environment, hooked up to the breather thingy, trying to get my heart rate back down. Holy fuck.

I took my standard equipment…music, earphones, breather, stick, emergency meds, water and a piece of fruit. Next time I’ll take a bigger bag though lol. Yes, I looked like a complete freak and I could see it on the faces of peeps as I walked in. But not to be fazed…as I had a timeframe I wanted to achieve…I headed straight for the sanctity of the ‘nibbles’ table and waited for the paua fritters to arrive lol.

There were shitloads of people…way more than I expected. But I managed most of that pretty well. Even a couple of polite conversations. I struck 2 very lovely peeps…they had a nice aura about them…and I’m not really into the aura thing…but you get my drift. They ‘felt’ nice…and in my little world…that counts for everything. It was also these 2 that I felt most comfortable with. I could see they could see my slightly freaky awkwardness…but they weren’t focused on that…they weren’t overly nice or overly compensating or condescending…they were themselves. I liked that.

But all in all…I did it! Yah me. I’m fucking exhausted now but my heart rates going down slowly…at 78 now. And I was pleased with the partner…he was actually patient with me and didn’t try to talk me out of leaving and congratulated me for doing what I had…that’s progress for us :)

So i’m gonna go and find a nice movie now and make a cup of nanny tea and roll a ciggy and…

Sleep.

Congratulations ME…you achieved what you set out to do…and next time won’t be so hard…yes that’s right, there will be a next time :)

Love and light and lots of fluffy stuff to ME xxoo


kpm ©


 

42 days notice

I think being given notice to move out of your home is stressful for anyone.

Try having PTSD and related anxiety issues.

I’m happy to report on day 1…I haven’t rained down hell on anyone, including myself.

I am breathing and I have had a few tears…ok quite a few tears…here and there. But I’m ok…sort of.

I grabbed the camera and started clicking instead of re-running the ‘why why’ theme song.

I will be A O fucking K.

To follow…house pics…and lets see how tomorrow rolls.


kpm ©