I’ve been plodding around my ‘mauri of me’ segment, (much like the rest of my life at the moment) pretty much detailing the stuff that is ‘Me’, is my essence; but is also pretty meh. If you get my drift. Yes, its all helped Me to remember and understand who I Am; but not really getting to the nitty gritty – the deep and dark stuff. Well that shit, in my world, is called avoidance and minimization.
I was unceremoniously reminded of that tonight whilst reading a friends blog. And it kind of slapped Me in the face, and it still smarts lol.
I’ve been avoiding lots. I know … my average ‘written’ post doesn’t really allude to this fact. My ‘average’ is slightly darker and deeper than most … but it in all truth, it’s surface crap.
I’ve enjoyed wading around in the shallow water of avoidance. I think we all need to take a dip in there sometimes. Helps to ease the tension.
But that isn’t really my area of expertise.
My bullshit-o-meter has always been set to ultra sensitive. And whilst it’s been jumping all over the place lately, I was assuming it was because of the issues with my father etc.
I forgot about Me.
It’s always about Me.
You see, when I avoid shit, I run into trouble. The issues with my father, are to some degree, of my own making. I told myself I was being patient with him … understanding … working through things. And all the while, my bullshit-o-meter was pinging off the charts.
I listened to those around Me that said ‘he’s old’, ‘he’s set in his ways’, ‘he’s grieving’, ‘he’s your father’ … because while they were right to some degree, they couldn’t see what I could see. Which was a big old neon signing screaming “Bullshit … come get your dose of Bullshit”.
I thought some how, that I could lure him out of his own bullshit but instead I muddied up my own waters.
So here I am, wondering if I should reset my meterage or take actual notice of it.
It’s still pinging.
It notes that I have invested too much time in a man who Lies as ‘go too’ response. It also notes that it is set to ‘high’ because there has been a need for it, and although I had come to terms with a certain amount of past bullshit, I shouldn’t set the volume on low just yet. It also notes, that bullshit is bullshit no matter whose mouth its dribbling out of.
With that noted, here’s my point.
I lost touch with my ‘bullshit’ receptors. And whilst getting all touchy and feely about things is cool, and necessary to a certain degree – my receptors are set the way they for a dam good reason.
To protect Me.
As I reconcile, I am able to deal with things differently. There is no need to hide under the covers anymore; or freeze and play dead. No, I am quite able to respond in another form – violently or non violently.
But to remove the alarm bells is stupid.