Image

#thought4today

#thoughtfortheday

#meme reads:

Fate whispers to the warrior “You cannot withstand the storm”, and the warrior whispers back – “I am the storm”.

Advertisements
Image

#thought (s) for the day:

#ThoughtForTheDay

#meme reads:

As you are shifting, you will begin to realise that you are not the same person you used to be, the things you used to tolerate have now become intolerable. Where you once remained quiet, you are now speaking your truth. Where you once battled and argued, you are now choosing to remain silent. You are beginning to understand the value of your voice and there are some situations that no longer deserve your time, energy, and focus.

from https://www.facebook.com/AFROPUNK/

and the point?

the point

motherfucker,

is that if

you

take away

everything

everyone

else, has every

donated to you

as

‘meaningful’ fucking advice …

criticism …

a jab or 10 …

you would be left

with something

quite beautifully

Empty

to work with.

Aint that a ‘reframe’

Or what!

its busy … and its changing …

We’ve had peoples here over the last week … first the mokos, and thats always good … they’re the light of my sometimes rather dim life. They’ll be back weekly while their Mama and Papa are at work, until they start school again.

They had just left the other day and another lot of relatives showed up for ‘lunch’ and stayed for the night / day instead.

Now usually this would throw Me completely … but this time was slightly different. And duly noted my Moi.

I decided that my partner could ‘bridge the gap’, so to speak, since he was the one that offered for the bridge to be open in the first place 😉 Now this meant when he asked if I was alright with everything that was happening, I Chose Not To Throttle Him – as he knows by the time they are there and they’re staying and that decision has been made without Me – it’s really just a fake enquiry re ‘are you alright’ and the truth is not what he’s after.

So I did Me.

I didn’t talk if I didn’t feel like it or want too … I stayed in my PJs till 3pm and blogged … then I watched a movie while the partner got dinner.

A not a pinch of guilt was felt. Awesome!

But even better … Not a pinch of anxiety was felt. Even Awesome-er!!

So 2 things I noted and are in the midst of ‘Change’.

  1. I need to take care of Me in any and all situations.
  2. I need to Not Do what is the ‘expectation’ or even feel the expectation.

So this means that even though I am quite – ‘fuck it I’m not doing that’ – anyway, there is always a touch of anxiety that I’m being self fish or haven’t thought of those around Me.

But in all actuality, it’s usually those around Me that aren’t thinking about what might be or not be, best for Me. They very rarely consider the ramifications of ‘hanging out’ and listening to their banality. Yes, and as harsh as that sounds, there are a few things that happen to a person when their earliest memories are having a dick shoved in their faces. Thats right, chit chat about where the latest restaurant is located and going to the Mall to buy a new outfit, becomes as banal as fuck!

So it was with this recognition that I realised the aforementioned ‘need to do’s’ for myself.

You see, no cunt is going to do it for Me. And even though I have repeatedly expressed my ‘predicament’, there is but a handful that actually get it and an even smaller handful that are still willing to make the effort to adjust their way of thinking and doing things, so that I can be included.

That said … I have but a couple of goals this year … art classes being one of them. The other things are taking the trip up the river with my Mama to find where our tipuna were from, and getting to know the group of ladies that will be part of this years exhibition. I’ve decided to add 2 more things on to this list.

First is to do something for my birthday that will be OK for Me. Last year I did an Italian dinner at my daughters house and that was awesome. I enjoyed the prepping and organising and event the cooking part … which was huge for Me, as I usually abhor cooking. I was going to do this again, but have decided against it … on that scale anyway. I want to go somewhere. Somewhere quiet. Somewhere that will match my feng shui. Nothing stressful. Nothing mindfucking. I haven’t completely figured out what that something is yet … but I’m working on it.

The second thing is reframing New Years. The New Years just gone was an absolute bitch. It was noisy as fuck hear as the population trebled in our little town. And I’m all down for peeps enjoying themselves, but their ‘loud’, their fireworks, their unexpected intrusions … made for one hell of a panic fucked night that extended into the following week, and the ‘peoplely’ thing still hasn’t died down really, and it won’t till after the kids go back to school on February.

So this New Years I’ve decided I’m going bush. I may take a friend but will probably end up going by myself. I’m thinking, middle of nowhere, quiet, no people, hot tub and a bottle of limoncello.

You see, I’ve worked around what is everyone elses ‘norm’ for so long, I’m uncertain of how to do Me, the right way. And I figure, if I try out this new routine for my birthday, I’ll be more ready for new years.

I’ll be fucked if I’m going to be fucked so everyone else can enjoy themselves.

I’m over it!

But to achieve all this, means that I also need to ‘trim’ the expectations. I love my daughters … I love my friends … but I can’t do all the extra conversations and ‘please can you do …’ things, and be alright for the things that I actually want to do. I learnt that the hard way over the last couple of days.

The mind is willing, the bod – not so much. And I figure this is what the dreaded ‘balance’ theory is all about.

Image

reconciling the hormones #47

I actually have a sneaky suspicion that this is partially true!

#TodaysFeels

reconciling the hormones #46

So today I had a ‘moment’ … a moment of deep appreciation or respect I think. Not for Menopause per se … I’m still ruminating on that one.

My respect is for those that ‘choose’ to biologically transition from biological male-to-female and vice versa.

To choose to actually do this, I decided, takes a deep knowing and understanding of what you want to / need to be. So to choose to go through a transition like that – with all its chemical / hormonal changes – with all of the angst that happens  – with all the changing and moving that happens:

I respect the hell out of anyone that would willingly do that. You have bigger balls than I!  What I do understand though is the conviction that this would take to transition into a complete and whole You.

#MuchRespect to my transitioning compadres ❤

Image

mauri of me #52 ~ recap and finale.

Little sad to see the end of this segment. But pleased I’ve learnt some shit … now it’ll be practicing the art of ‘remembering’ this shit 😉

I’ve learnt:

  • It’s Ok; actually it’s more than Ok, to be different.

‘The Same’ is boring and stale. Imagine if we all were the same … Not Cool! And what a bland looking beige world it would be. We need, or more specifically, I Need, the fringes … the outside; the peripheral; the unfocussed and the unique. I absolutely need it and absolutely love it.

Not just the minimalist thing and not just cos I like simplicity … but because uncomplicated is where most of my learning and absorbing takes place. We make everything so complicated … yet the view of a child usually has more clarity than some puffed up old scientist.

  • Change can be scary – but it’s necessary.

Change, for Me, has always meant ‘erratic’ and unpredictable. And I guess to a certain degree there is an element of that. But change, I have learnt, is also a necessary part of life. It doesn’t have to unpredictable. Like nature, it has it’s ebbs and flows, and while theres variations in those, they are predictable. And if I’m taking notice, they’re actually quite beautiful.

So, there you have it.

All the Mauri of Me that I have at the moment.

Again, thankyou one and all for every little bit of feedback and conversation; every encouragement : like, comment and smiley face, that y’all have given over the last year.

I appreciate it all.

Thanks for helping Me Grow 🙂

 

Image

unfucking thyself 101:7

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

7.

I know, I know … I said I would only post one photograph per day on this mindfulness / unfucking thyself segment … but hey, what are rules for if they can’t be broken ay 😉

So this is the haps:

I was gazing out the kitchen window (yes, still far too peopley to be out during the day (light) …), pondering, again, on the mindfulness thingy … trying very hard to be all reflective and shit …

And I see this awesome little shrivelled up poppy, which of course is doing it’s seedy thing. Ok I said to my pontification-al self; “thats your photograph!”

So I bumbled about, get my camera and go to take an ‘epic’ photograph … ‘cos thats what we’re trying to master … mindful epic-ness – Yah 😉

So I focus my trusty little Canon Power Shot SX120 IS, and the macro is freaking out ‘cos the winds blowing like an uncooperative bitch and the shrivelled up poppy is waving about like … ‘come on epic one, try take a decent shot … hahaha’ …  but I don’t give up … it’s one of my super powers!

20 odd clicks later and I figure I must have a decent shot in there … fuck mindfulness … I need the shot!

I shove the SD card into my Mac and they all pop up … and here’s what occurs to Me:

Whilst we’re busy trying focus on the one thing, we miss out on whats going on in the peripheral. 

They’re both beautiful in their own ways …

Here’s to appreciating all views and all things from different perspectives 😉


#Photographs are macro(ish) shots of the same poppy head (in it’s, going into seeds, stage). One is focussed on the dark brown lines on the poppy head, the rounded base of that, and the stalk. The other photograph, is the poppy out of focus and whats in focus is my over grown weedy, but beautiful green garden 🙂

reconciling the hormones #35

the hot hot has slightly dissipated

the rage rage is slightly in check

the empty empty feeling is making its way up

and hopefully Out

rampage

fuck it,

I am rampaging.