. . .

Nothing permanent
Nothing heavy
Nothing like loose ends
Nothing non purposeful

Cos then I’d be a permanent .. attached .. i can lose.

Oh lawd.

Impermanent leaves room for being wrecked .


kpm©


the stuff ..

all the little pieces i dropped along the way.

in order to survive.

to lean in.

& lean out.

i gotta find.

slowly find.

pick up.

turn over.

welcoming back to my repertoire.

only what i want.


kpm©


 

qik update :

its been nearly a week and a half of not being at home!!

i’m currently elsewhere doing shit i need to do.

here’s what i am concurring :

  • i need the ocean, sound and smell, like a fat kid needs cake.
  • i am able to more than i originally thought
  • i am able to be away from home when the need is relevant
  • i can enjoy my life anywhere
  • i am completely able to find the joy in the small things no matter where im at, sometimes its a little harder
  • i am waaaaayyyyy more heartier than originally thought ;)

i go back home in just over another week & i will breathe in the air like i never left. but in the meantime i am practising being absolutely present where im at.

its harder than it seems.

but i can do it.

i can actually even enjoy it <3


kpm©


 

when .. reminisce

Not sure what it happened really. When you stopped talking. Stopped listening. 

or were you always that way?

Was it about the same time as me not being able to meet all your needs ? Or possibly when I decided to focus on saving myself because apparently I wasn’t the same person who you met all those years ago? Or was it when I could no longer give as many fucks as you wanted me to give.

Or was it a culmination of all of the above.

It’s not easy watching you sink away .. eating your own words and regret.

But then I remember.

You left me to fend for myself.

You said it was too hard.

I was too hard.

I’m pretty sure that’s not how love works.

I’m no expert in that department though.

Try as I might, to unfold how we got to this, I find myself asking my Nan .. is this what it was like for you? To be belittled, ignored and largely unloved?

.

It’s a strange strange thing.


kpm ©


 

i wonder.

if i change narrative, will that change the facts?

or just the ending?


kpm ©


 

i.

“always look someone in the eye when they’re speaking to you”

Why?


kpm ©


 

space.

apparently there are delegated spaces.

equipment.

stuff designed for those certain spaces.

also turns out, you don’t have to conform to any of that bullshit.

the delegations are more like: ‘suggestions’.

so if you don’t like it the way it is,

clear that shit out & re-inform your spaces.


kpm©


 

Image

the final ‘unfuck’, for now.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

I have this thing for finishing what I start. Actually, the whole fucking world (western world actually) does.

If you don’t finish something then you’re no good; won’t ever amount to anything; aren’t stable etc etc.

I wonder who made that shit up?

Whoever did, did a good job of perpetuating their bullshit onto many a generation of peeps; including mine.

It’s a pain in my ass … in causes anxiety and stress … the thought … thats right, just the thought … of not Finishing something to completion.

My OCD self then increases the angst by having to complete something to ‘my’ standard … which isn’t like everyone elses … it’s a special kind of fuckery lol.

So as you can see by some of my earlier posts today, I’m on a fucking roll lol. And I’m ‘finishing’ shit up.

Why?

So my OCD half can leave it all the fuck alone. So I can listen to my instincts without having this gnawing feeling in the back of my mind, or in the pit of my gutt, telling Me I haven’t completed a certain something, so I can’t do something else.

Geezus.

The picture?

My chisels.

A constant reminder that I didn’t do the 3 years like I said I would. I only did the first year. I did fucking well and yes, I was actually fucking fucked with undiagnosed pts(d) at that stage … but who cares … I didn’t complete what I said I would. Instead I made excuses as to why just the first year was enough.

Fucks sakes ay!

I have learnt today that I am part of my own problem.

Hard pill to swallow but swallowing I am.

When is enough, enough for Me?

What does completed mean? Does it mean what I think it means or am I just another product of mental colonisation?

So here I am, again, against every little bit of my will, finishing up a process I started, before I think I should … because, it turns out, that ‘unfucking myself’ is simply a matter of stopping doing what I’ve always done, or thinking like I’ve always thought … and doing something different. It don’t matter if the new way is right or wrong … it’s just a change in direction.

Peace.


Fin.


kpm ©


 

Image

unfuck.ed.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

Have I said I’m not an animal lover? I’m not an animal hater … but Me and animals, furry or otherwise, don’t really cohabitate well together. Aside from the allergy side of it, I just never developed a ‘thing’ for pets.

However …

Both my kids love animals.

Need I expand really.

So this furry little muppet ended up in our residence because when my youngest was about 13, and coming home from school oneday, she found this fur-ball in the gutter. Picked him up and brought him home.

I wouldn’t have really expected anything else from her. And both of my kids are this way inclined. A character trait or quality that I am more than proud of … now.

Then … all I could think of was … ‘how the fuck are we gonna feed that ????’

Anyway, we did feed it, and like the rest of Us, this cat got pretty skilled at ‘making his way in the world’ ;)

And as I was looking at him the other day, I noticed his grey hairs / whiskers … and his furr is fading and he’s slowing down.

He’s ageing … just like the rest of Us. Just like Me.

I decided to give him a pat, finally lol. And he looks up at Me like, ‘pfft … piss off bitch’ Lol. Nah, I actually think he gets my feng shui better than most humans in my life. Strange little critter he is. And I guess all critters are important … we all have our moment to live out what we need to, and then we’re no more. Nothing but a memory … hopefully.

Well that mindfulness session turned out a little more ‘morbid-ish’ than I expected ;)


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

SaveSave

SaveSave

SaveSave

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hormones.

Arrggghhh.

Thats all I have to say about that.

Oh okay, I shall expand.

Said hormones, be kicking my ass at the moment; and my-eth ass is laid up feeling sorry for itself.

There yah go :)


kpm ©


 

Image

dreams ay …


“I’m having a break … got shit to do …” *insert the largest eye ball roll ever* lol.

So I woke up with my feng shui panties in a bunch … so here I am.

1st the flash / dream that disrupted my 4 hours of sleep .. and yes my sleeping feng shui is also up the shitter at present … but we rolling with it …

It’s the dream I hate. The one that shows up every few months of late and fucks with Me. It smells like a memory but comes in a dream. I try hard not to dwell on it cos I know it’ll unfold as it wants, when it wants. I’ve learnt theres no point stressing over it, or picking it to bits too much … as untimely, annoying, and disturbing as it is, when it happens … I’m learning that it seems to come when my ‘being’ thinks I can handle it. … PS: I’ve had words with ‘my being’ and told it it’s full of shit, but it don’t listen lol.

So the dream … Me being pinned and not being able to move, breath, speak. The difference this time was I was standing upright with glass type thing between Me and the pedo. And I was bigger, not small like I usually am. I still couldn’t breath properly, and had small raspy breaths but this time, although I felt scared, I could feel that I was looking for solutions. I was fully aware of what that fuck was doing to my body, but I could also see myself looking around, from side to side; trying to look for someone, to get attention or help or something … I also tried to scream and instead of nothing coming out of my mouth, a fog horn type sound came out … like a hoarsey throat thing was happening.

I could feel that cunt on my skin, but also knew he was not aware that I was different … bigger … Not desperate, but thinking … I was more aware.

He wasn’t aware. Dick.

And then I felt myself starting to panic and forced myself awake. I woke with sound in my voice … like trying to cry but not being able too; disturbed, but OK. I knew I was awake and that I had had a dream.

I didn’t get up and go and have a smoke like I usually do. Instead I wrapped up in my fluffy blanket and went back to bed. The rest of the night was restless and I had to put my pillow on my chest … but I was Ok. And I am Ok.

As strange as it all sounds, this for Me … as I see it … is Progress.

I can see and feel the changes in my perspective.

It’s exciting and frightening all at the same time. And I didn’t think I’d ever hear myself say that.

I feel like I’m growing up … I know lol … moving from a cowering child to an angry adolescent to an awake, aware adult … who is getting bigger … almost big enough to do some mother fucking damage …

I can feel it happening …

So today I was going to do some important shit lol, but I’m going to paint instead … yeah, I got shit to unfold and don’t have the articulation for it (believe it or not ;) ) ….

I feel hopeful … Now thats weird … Cool … But weird.

Love and mother fucking light all day, all night xoxo


PSS:

Nature decided it was actually going to do winter today and greeted Us with a big fat frost … Love this season <3


kpm ©


 

the changes: hormones & shit.

So far this week theres been:

ALOT of dizzy.

ALOT of headachey

A SMIDGE of cramping.

A CLUSTER FUCK of menstrual starting and stopping … Wtf is that about?

A FUCKLOAD of anxiety.

Topped off with a huge over serving of PANIC FUCKS … like 1 – 2 per day.

As disassociated as I am, I was still attempting to discern the difference between menopause, menstruation, being a biological fucking woman, stress, pts(d), ‘normal’ anxiety and panic fuck.

Then in amongst it all somewhere I did the ‘Fuck It’, it’s all fucked, lets just medicate that shit and get on with it … Then thought better of it … side effects and all … and just sedated my ass for the night, got a good sleep and am thinking slightly clearer today.

It’s Menopause Bitch.

It’s fucking pts(d) Bitch.

It just is what it is.

If you fucking die from it, so be it. But chances are (going from your history to date), you won’t die from it: it’ll linger on for quite a while longer and torture the shit out of you.

Then you’ll get up. Dust said shit off. Flip the bird at it and at all biological Men for just being Men … And go terrorise something or someone else :)

 


kpm ©


 

fkn hormones.

menopause:

is it supposed to feel like

your uterus

is being pulled

through your asshole

in a slow,

freddy krueger like fashion??


kpm ©


 

revolution

imagine if we all stopped.

stopped work

stopped attending

stopped shopping

stopped.

what would they do?

what would happen?

we forget

that we have the power

we elect

we set the course.


kpm ©