safe at last

Another ‘eureka’ moment whilst taking a dump …

All of my kids lives, my greatest driving force for them as a mother, was to protect them and to keep them safe.

It wasn’t nurturing them or making sure they got adequate education or socialisation.

It was protection.

My ‘protection’ button may have been set a little too high, but it is what drove me to stay alive … to do better … to leave them.

Did I always succeed? Hell No. And that devastated me more than half the shit that ever happened to me.

But recently, my girl and her family have moved to a new house. And my ‘eureka moment’ was in the realisation that she is safe. Finally.

That her location, her state of mind, are all about healing and happiness. And she will replicate that for her family.

All that I ever wanted for her, but couldn’t give her, she now has. And that is her doing! Which makes me prouder and happier than I can express.

That finally, she has what I always wanted for her.

Peace.

Contentment.

Safety!

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Your Man ~ Josh Turner : this reminds me of my girl :)

Josh Turner – Your Man, 2006

This song reminds me of my oldest girl 🙂 Every time this plays she does a funny little bobbing thing (a dance lol) and grins from ear to ear and sings along to it.

I Love her fiercely xx

365 reasons to smile ~ 152.

152. My daughter rang last night and I was asking how the mokos were. She told me this little story …

As a family, the kids have been watching TV in the mornings, since they were born. Well Mama and Papa have recently decided to make the process of getting ready in the mornings, smoother, by not allowing the TV on in the mornings. This also applies to after school.

Apparently they sat the kids down the other day and gave them the news.

Now apart from the no TV, the other new rule that has been implemented recently, is no swearing. … unless its expressive and theres no other word to use.  They’ve learnt the difference pretty fast thanks to a healthy smoothie concoction that tastes foul apparently, but gets drunk when a non expressive swear word escapes their lips … parents included lol.

So, the mokos got the news about the new no TV rule … and the oldest, who is 8 … doesn’t wait for a breath or a filter and bursts out with …

“WHAT …  THE … FUCK”

Both parents apparently choked back a bit of a laugh, and decided moko number one was expressing himself and this one could slide.

Moko has tried to bargain and complain and re negotiate this new rule, but hasn’t been successful.

My daughter says, the new rule is the best thing thats happened to them all LOL … apparently theres more talking and more homework done. Theres more ‘knowing’ their babies … more loving them xx

Well done my darling girl 🙂 And well done moko, for being expressive, and for trying to re negotiate LOL

All that, Made me smile 🙂

🙂

365 reasons to smile ~ 66.

66. Me and my girlys and being out and about !!

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365 reasons to smile ~ 51.

51. The Toodle-loo Motherfucker meme 😂 – my daughter sent me this and said it reminded her of me: L M F A O, I did 😆😆😂😂
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Author Unknown: from Facebook

many thoughts…the good…

Its been a hell of a long week…standard 7 days sure, but they felt like 14+! And if it wasn’t for the little date thingy on my screen, I’m not sure I’d actually, definitively know what the day and date was!

There’s been some awesome moments…and I hold onto those by my ultra long fingernails because they are what make this hellish feeling silently bearable.

So I’ll start with those moments…the good…

We looked after the mokos for the night…ahhh the other day I think. It was intense! Lovely intense; but I’m so past having a 2-year-old running around and a 6-year-old asking questions constantly lol. Don’t get me wrong, they were such a pleasure. I’m just…getting old lol. We were both absolutely wrecked by the time the next day rolled around, and when we finally got home, we hung out the washing and then collapsed in a small heap and slept for about 3 hours! OMG, I’m so soft now. I have a new-found appreciation for my daughter and her partner and their 3 beautiful children!

So, on this night, my daughter and her partner came home form their well deserved dining experience and my girl was slightly tipsy…and she started talking. We haven’t talked, talked, for along time…child restraints, time, distance etc etc. It was so nice…nice to hear her heart again. Shes my girl who has that great big heart; the deep deep soul. I heard her aches and her triumphs and the things she’s struggling with and wishes for. I heard her regrets and questions and ambitions and longings. I haven’t had the privilege of that for a long while now.

She talked about the things from her childhood that had hurt her. Things that I remembered but had a different perspective on. I got to tell her how I felt too. And she actually said, “You know; you’re a good Mum”. That was the best coming from her! I love her to bits…shes just an amazing soul…

Well we stayed up and talked like that for about 5 hours! It felt like when she was a little girl…we’d talk for hours! It’s how I got to know her 🙂

Her older daughter is also a deep wee soul. She has my sense, and her mamas sense, of the ‘unseen’…intuition, but with the senses. She has an intense sense of smell and can smell where you have been, what you ‘feel’ like, whats bothering you. But this little darling isn’t all hung up on what others think of her gift yet…it just is what it is, and she just rolls with it. It’s so nice to watch her, uninhibited.

Anyway, she had a game of hockey that she wanted me to go too. I said I couldn’t, and she started to cry. I felt bad but I knew I still couldn’t go. Then she stops crying and looks at me, and asks; “Why can’t you come?”…so I told her…”There’s to many people there for me darling, and I get scared. When I’m not scared, I’ll come to one of your games.”….Ohhh, she says…beautiful girl; just like she all of a sudden got it. Then she says to me, “and you can’t bring your pillow and blanky to the game ay”…no, sweetheart, I can’t…

She’s such a beautiful soul. All the mokos are. They have a deep sense, in differing ways, of understanding who and what is going on around them. And as long as you answer their questions brutally honestly, they are able to process all that is happening…the seen and the unseen. I don’t mean ‘ghostly’ unseen…but the vibes, body language, emotion; that is exuded by those around them. They are miles ahead of me, and their parents…all of humanity really. And it’s so beautiful to see.

It’s that subject that got me and my girl talking again later…about how each generation thinks they have a monopoly on ‘being right’; that they have all the answers to the previous generations mistakes and instead of learning from them, they are on a mission to rectify and rub their noses in it. We agreed that this is utter shit and there was a need to be able to transition from one ‘generation’ or era to the next, leaving behind what you need to, giving or passing on what you need to, and getting on with the present. Easier said than done…but a beautiful concept that we are all going to try.

xx

chilling with my girl

The last of the recent family gatherings was coupled with a trip to the doctors. I’ve avoided the doctors for the past few months and really, I haven’t particularly needed to go. But I got a routine check up and repeats and got him to refer me back to the ENT to check the Vertigo (BPPV) situation. The shrink is trying to eliminate ’causes’…good on her.

Anyway…big ups to me for getting there with minimal fuss…still in the back seat, but some days you just have to know which battles to tackle. Being in the front seat wasn’t high on the priority list. So I breathed and distracted myself and I did good.

The highlight of this day was going to see my older daughter and the mokos!

My big girl is stunning. She amazes me all of the time! She has such a beautiful, tender way about her…and she’s continuously learning about herself and growing as a woman and a mother. That makes me very proud to be her mama.

We hung out…we talked…we laughed…and talked some more. Lots of food and more talking. I got cuddles with the little moko…she’s nearly two. She’s just got a decent grasp on the English language and likes to mimic everything that’s being said around her. She’s just beautiful.

There’s something quite lovely about being able to chill with the family. They’re all my pride and joy. I’m loving being able to relax with them instead of crawling the walls and looking for the nearest exit.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Anxiety is a cruel thing. And ptsd is shit.

But to feel like its starting to be resolved, is pretty cool.

I love my girls…I love my mokos. And I look forward to plenty more moments of chilling with them…anxiety free 🙂

girls pain, moko two and steady decline…2009

She was having trouble with the inlaws…and domestic violence…she felt trapped…shit those were the killer, kicker words for me…feeling trapped. I booked her and moko a plane ticket and brought them home. In hindsight…oh great hindsight…it may not have been the most appropriate thing to do; but I would die trying to protect her…and moko. What it took a long time to realise though, was I couldn’t die trying to protect her from herself. My girl had demons of her own…and they were rearing their heads…and she was in pain. It took a few years for her to start grappling with them…like me…she turned to the alcohol and tried to drown herself in the protection that it gave.

Her partner followed her down…and they ‘reconciled’ and moko number two was on her way.

Life was…hard…fucking hard…with all of us under the one roof again. All the things that had been unresolved between us, came flooding out…lots of anger…and their was plenty of that between myself and my partner as well. And my little girl…well she was in the middle of it all…again.

Work was…ratshit. Well, I was ratshit really, and work just added to that. In the wonderful world of hindsight, this is where stuff really declined for me…and the pressure of…everything…started taking its toll…more. I had more time off work and while I was putting on a little bit more weight I was starting to feel confined and tight…what I know now to be anxiety. I was overloaded…in my mind and emotionally.

There was an incident on the floor that had tipped everything over the edge for me. We had a team change and I was working with people who I didn’t know and didn’t particularly trust. Their practices were what I deemed to be enormously unsafe…especially when it came to their colleagues. My practice on the floor with the kids and my colleagues, was as anal as the rest of my life…but it made me hugely safety conscious. On the day of the incident we had a team of four on the floor and one in the office. The one in the office was supposed to be monitoring everything…us and the kids…the wings, the doors, the ‘incident’ or time out room…and they’re supposed to be communicating with us via RT all the time.

We had approximately 12 kids at the time…15 was a full unit. As well as monitoring the kids themselves, our job was to be monitoring the undercurrents…what was happening amongst the kids…tensions…and nipping stuff in the bud before it began. As we were returning across the courtyard back to the unit one young fullah twacked another…just low key…a jab that was more about setting the scene for something larger. He had planned it so that when we were waiting for the doors to be unlocked, and were vulnerable, he was able to go undetected, supposedly. Because our team was new and complacent really, he did go undetected…except for my ever watchful eye. On our other team, we used to line the kids up outside the door before it was unlocked, and they had to stand there until everyone was quiet and accounted for. No one moved until we all had a line of sight of each other and a head count was done.

This team didn’t do any of that, and this kid knew it. We were all over the place…the male colleagues were laughing and carrying on with each other and the kids and not taking any notice of what was going on. I RTed them to let them know what was happening, but one had his earpiece out, one had his RT off and the other two weren’t listening. By the time they had unlocked the door and all the kids had bumbled through, along with the staff, a couple more jabs had been dealt and this kid was eyeing me up. I did what I’d been taught and waited till the majority had hit their wings and then isolated this instigating kid…I called for assistance from one of the staff and he didn’t hear…I called for the time out to be unlocked, and it wasn’t…and all the time this was happening this kid was getting cockier because he knew I wasn’t being listened too. I ended up shouting at him and swearing him all the way down to time out, unlocking the door myself and ushering him in. The loud voice and swearing had caught him off guard as I wasn’t a yeller by nature at work, and swearing at the kids was against all policy! But it was enough to save my bacon that day. All the while, a guy from my previous team had been on a break and he heard my call for assistance on the RT…he checked in and got the rest of the staff to assist…finally.

When we did a room check, this kid had all the gears for a full on mini riot and the will to do it. He wasn’t a large kid but he knew enough about the system to get his way to the top of the pecking order, quickly. And this was his way of doing it.

An incident report was written which didn’t reflect any of the deficiencies in the team. I was brushed off when I voiced my concerns later that night. And for me, this set me into a tail spin at work. I didn’t feel safe, and I didn’t feel backed up. I ended up going back to office work…programming and analysis. And I was fucking good at that…but I still didn’t feel like I was making the difference I wanted to be making. I spent three months designing software of sorts, that the whole place could use…to record each kid, their stats, their family and or caregivers details, their crimes, their presenting issues, their psychologist reports…and what they needed to be programmed in before they went to court, or home, or out of our gates into the big wide innocent communities they had come from. As far as I know they still use it…but not for what I wanted it to be used for. It was supposed to be a tool to assist with rehabilitation while the kids were with us…to track them and their progress…but ultimately to help. As far as I know, it stores information now.

Towards the end of the year I started getting sick again…this time it was freakier…and I felt out of control again. I had originally got labyrinthitis, supposedly from the poor air circulation in our offices. Then it turned into Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo…bad fucking vertigo in other words. The world spun with every movement. And I felt way way out of control.

As I struggled to gain control and balance and get myself well…our second moko was born. A beautiful little girl with the brightest eyes. She was koros baby really…he absolutely adored her…still does 🙂 So with all the turmoil came a silver lining in the form a precious baby girl.

the start of a new generation…2008

We had moved into a new place…me, my girl and my partner. He had two daughters…one the same age as my little girl and another who is a couple of years younger. We had been trying to do the ‘blended’ families thing…separately, and it was proving to be slightly challenging. His younger girl lived with her mother during the week and came to us on the weekends. Boy we had some clashes in those early days…lots and lots of clashes. His older girl didn’t have much to do with him…that was her families choice…and it cut him up most of the time.

Me and my girl were used to each other, and our way of being. He was used to his. And as I’ve said before, we are both chalk and cheese…actually more like night and day! His version of parenting was…yes, yes and yes…you can have and do whatever you want, unless its inconvenient…and then you may have to wait.

My little girl…not so little anymore…thought she’d hit the jackpot. Her and my partner had their birthdays back to back…both Gemini’s. Good lord, two Gemini’s! So while we spent the week trying to blend, you add his girl into the mix on the weekends and it was a fireworks display!

Me and the partner were forever fighting…sometimes it was physical…but we clashed on everything. And the similarity that we do have is our stubbornness! Neither of us ever wanted to back down. And I didn’t really know how to coordinate a relationship like this. We split up quite a few times over the years…and some of those were due to a very different parenting styles…well actually, I thought his parenting style sucked ass lol. He makes a way better Grandad…Koro, though 🙂

So we were dwelling…fighting…working full time…trying to be a couple…parents…step parents…in the mean time, I was getting sicker. In hindsight I think my relationship had a lot to do with me getting sicker. And in hindsight…it was always going to happen. The thought of someone else in my space…in my face…made…still makes…me cringe. He’s affectionate  and touchy…and I’m not! And we hadn’t really scratched the surface of each other and being a couple…a pair…instead of working against each other.

The work pressure was immense. Case Manager sounds like a cruisey title, but again, because of how I was…am…wired…I wanted to do the job thoroughly. I contacted parents…step parents…extended families…all to be part of the young persons plan…some were willing…some weren’t…some had had such a rough time with the system they were hostile and retaliatory. Super dysfunctional place to be.

I was having increasing time off with sickness and ended up in hospital repeatedly. I had a colonoscopy and the other one…can’t remember its name…and the conclusion was ulcers. I had gone from around 85kgs when I started this job, down to around 63kgs. By the time I had the colonoscopy and they started treating for ulcers I was loosing around a kg a day. Like I’ve said…any other time it would have been great. But there’s something quite terrifying about loosing weight rapidly and not being able to gain it. If you’re a chubs and you gain a couple of kgs, you go buy new pants and cut back on a bit of chocolate…well that’s what I had done previously. But now, none of my clothes were fitting and I was wearing my 12 year old step daughters clothes. And I couldn’t gain weight for the life of me.

I graduated this year…that was amazing…terrifying but exhilarating. I had finally accomplished what I had set out to do all those years ago! It was awesome 🙂 It was kind of over shadowed though with all the health stuff going on.

By the time I had seen a couple of specialist and a dietician…I was 57kgs and still dropping…for my frame, that weight is not cool. I was used to being around the 70-75kg mark. And my hair was starting to fall out again. The dietician said she couldn’t do anything else for me…the doctor and specialist said it would pass…that the ulcers were gone, so it was just a matter of time. By that time, I was dropping past the 57kg mark though, and I was getting weak and frail.

And true to my nature…I took matters into my own hands in the end…scrapped their shit pills…took some antihistamines to stop the constant itching and irritation…ordered a couple of pizzas and ate and ate. I did that for a couple of weeks till I put on 5 kgs. The antihistamines surprisingly helped me keep my food down…I think everything I did and ate was irritating me…and I had become hypo allergenic…ultra sensitive to everything. The antihistamines stopped that. It wasn’t the best remedy but I was fresh out of ideas…and this was working, so I kept doing it.

The best thing about this year…was my first moko was born. I was their for his birth…and OMG what an amazing experience. It’s quite a sensation to see your offspring give birth to their offspring…your offspring! And he was just the most gorgeous little man I’d ever seen :)…instantly in love!!!

He was named after my girl’s father, father in law and our Grandad that had died the previous year. My girl was such an awesome little Mama too…she had always wanted 11 children 🙂 random figure I know…but she just embodied mummy-hood…I was so proud of her.

They lived hours away from us…and it was hard to leave and go back to work. I had been there for a couple of weeks after moko was born…and I so didn’t want to leave him.

But I went back to the shitfest that was Youth Justice.

And a new generation started…its a wonderful feeling knowing that you will continue on, long after your gone…that your blood line has continued.

And mokos are something just so special…an indescribable special 🙂 It’s a whole new kind of love 🙂