the gutt-wrench.

the weekend just gone, i said ‘goodbye’ to my daughter & my beautiful moko.

moko is going to live with her papa & nanny, & my girl has joined the army.

i hate goodbyes.

i prefer – ‘see you later’.

but this whole process has had me reeling for months & as got closer, it did a number on my insides, which i am still slowly processing.

i’m trying to be kind to myself & roll with the punches … but i’m feeling slightly bruised now.

i’m not sure how to explain it all, but thats about the size of me & fucking emotions.

i feel raw though. raw & vulnerable. & i hate it. but i’m sitting with the whole fucking thing.

it’s change. & its a new chapter. for all of us.

kpm ©



unfuck. thyself.




Homai to Aroha


Another … WTF is that moment lol …

It’s part of a new painting … just a part … a macro of a part … hows that for fucking with yah … and the mindfulness thingy … well … that came out of a conversation i had with my youngest girl recently … whose on the verge of ‘falling in love’ again, or so she reckons lol.

She had asked Me, Yes Me, was there a right way to let go of love.


I much preferred it when she asked simple questions like ‘who was in NZ first’, or ‘how the fuck are you supposed to shove that up there … (referring to a tampon)’ … LOL.

But feelings … emotions … the dirty L word … ewww … I am a No-Go when it comes to that shizz.

But not one to pussy out … *eye ball roll* … I told her I’d have a think and get back to her … *another eye ball roll*

So I thought about it.

I thought about all those that I had fucked.

The one person I could say I had ever made consensual ‘love’ too.

All those that I had shut out.

All those that had pledged devotion and I promptly shat upon.

All those that I had wanted but hadn’t wanted Me.

All those that I had used.

All those that had used Me.

All those I’d come close to loving but was too fucking scared too say so.

‘Twas a sobering recollection. Groan …

And then I messaged her back and advised her of the following, with, of course, a *note to daughter* attached which said:

“I have absolutely No idea how to do love except where you girls are concerned; which leads me to believe there is No right or wrong way to do it or to let it go.”

And thusly – I advised her to fall in love as much as she could  … as deeply as she could … for as long as she could … enjoying every little bit of it for what it was in that moment … and then when she’d had enough … to let it go just as readily as she had picked it up. That life was to short to regret not looking, loving, enjoying and moving on.

What does all that have to do with the photograph?

Sometimes we don’t take notice of, let alone enjoy, the macro view cos we’re to focussed on wanting to see the bigger picture … what it ‘might be’, potential and all that bullshit … instead of just enjoying the view you have for the time you have it <3

I love my girl.


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


okey dokey – heres the father deal

After so much rumination my jaw is sore from chewing on this bitchy cud!

Heres the options that came to mind prior to last nights conversation with my daughter … oh ye who is wise beyond her years …

  • Ditch father
  • After unleashing fermented hell fire and brimstone on his ass

-As you can see, I’m minimalistic in my approach.

Now this is a stance I take with racist slash sexist cunts … who won’t or can’t engage in an educational dialogue so each party can come to thy par-tay … and listen and learn. This is not a one sided process; it takes two … bay-bee.

Because of what I do, ‘activism; feminism’; and how I respond, I do realise I’m not your average acti-fem ;) I’m probably more tolerant than most. But I have learnt over time, that there comes a time in a conversation on these topics, that the little angel on one of your shoulders, tends to start jabbing you in the neck with its harpsichord, hollering – ‘Bitch please … you know they got their pointy whites on and be cross burning this lovely evening ay? … Give It Up!’ … and the horned dude on the other shoulder is just nodding in agreement … ‘what she said!’.

Yeah, thats usually the point at which I exit the conversation / friendship / acquaintance-ship etc.

And My Father hit that phase about 5 minutes into our last conversation.

So, do I roll with the usual schedule and kick his ass to the curb? I mean, whats gonna happen? He gonna ignore me for another 30 odd years??? Pfft.

Enter … my goddess daughter :)

She laughed and listened … then spoke.

“Yah know ma, sounds a bit like the conversation I had with my father (sperm donor), … ”

Pause for explanation: My girls have different biological fathers; the father to my second girl, I was married to, and he adopted my 1st girl … so is technically the father of both girls :) My girl has tried to maintain some kind of relationship with her biological father though … tried.

Back to conversation:

“… he told me I should ‘make’ my kids talk to him on the phone even if they don’t want to …”

Ok … like thats ever gonna happen I said … but still couldn’t quite see where her analogy was taking me …

“My father doesn’t know me, if he did he wouldn’t ever ask me to go against my principles. And your father is doing the same thing. Not only has he criticised who you are, he believes he has some right to have a say in who and what you are. And he is delusional if he thinks you will go against your principles.”

Ahhhhh …. beautiful girl :)

Me: “So what did you do my girl? How did you deal with it? Because I’ll be fucked if I know what to do with someone who is genetically connected to me but knows sweet fuck all about me. I know what to do with other people … with strangers … but this fucker? I am clueless on how to be respectful but still be Me.”

And she says:

“You are already being respectful Mum … you didn’t swear at him or let rip like you would’ve on someone else … and you’ve taken quite a while to process so you won’t just react.”

True dat.

“Maybe you just need to work out where your limit is with him and don’t let him go any further than that. And just continue being You.”

Awww, I love my girl.

So there it is, Part 2 of my decision.

On all subjects that come up that are directly offensive, I’ll tell him. Not discuss it with view to educating him … just tell him … ‘I find that offensive and I’m not talking about that with you’.

I’ll continue to try to find … ‘common ground’ … with him, and spend what time we have left, hopefully, enjoying some sort of relationship with him.

But I will continue to be Me. All of Me.

No apologies. No explanations.

Ake ake Amine ;)

kpm ©


chilling with my girl

The last of the recent family gatherings was coupled with a trip to the doctors. I’ve avoided the doctors for the past few months and really, I haven’t particularly needed to go. But I got a routine check up and repeats and got him to refer me back to the ENT to check the Vertigo (BPPV) situation. The shrink is trying to eliminate ’causes’…good on her.

Anyway…big ups to me for getting there with minimal fuss…still in the back seat, but some days you just have to know which battles to tackle. Being in the front seat wasn’t high on the priority list. So I breathed and distracted myself and I did good.

The highlight of this day was going to see my older daughter and the mokos!

My big girl is stunning. She amazes me all of the time! She has such a beautiful, tender way about her…and she’s continuously learning about herself and growing as a woman and a mother. That makes me very proud to be her mama.

We hung out…we talked…we laughed…and talked some more. Lots of food and more talking. I got cuddles with the little moko…she’s nearly two. She’s just got a decent grasp on the English language and likes to mimic everything that’s being said around her. She’s just beautiful.

There’s something quite lovely about being able to chill with the family. They’re all my pride and joy. I’m loving being able to relax with them instead of crawling the walls and looking for the nearest exit.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Anxiety is a cruel thing. And ptsd is shit.

But to feel like its starting to be resolved, is pretty cool.

I love my girls…I love my mokos. And I look forward to plenty more moments of chilling with them…anxiety free :)

kpm ©