not my quote:

it doesnt get easier.

it gets different.


an(other) A-ha moment

Yeah, I have them regularly, and then I regularly forget them as fast as I got them!

So I’mma tipity tap this one out before it becomes an historic thought, relegated to the archives of my memory banks somewhere.

I thought I wasn’t one for regretting shit. You know, I’ve done what I’ve done: lived as I’ve lived … some of that shit is best forgotten, but it all had it’s place in the making of Me. And then theres the stuff I didn’t write but was a-written for Me. Thats the shit I’ve dwelt on for the longest time … because I wasn’t in control of it … because other than being in the wrong place at the wrong time or being just too darn … small … I had no hand in … rather it was ‘done’ to Me.

Thats the shit I’ve been trying to let go of. No regrets, or so I thought, of the other shit I have been / done / not done.

But everyday, about this time, I get a gnawing sensation in my gutt. And being the dissociative retard that I am … I’m unsure whether its hunger, panic, menopause (thats the new entity arghh), pre-menstruation, anxiety … or just nothing at all and I’m actually waiting for the ‘impending doom’ that I’ve become accustomed to over the years.

So today, as I’m taking the anti-anxiety elixir, it occurs to Me to ask my tummy what the fuck is up with it.

“Puku”, I say … “why are you in knots? You’ve been fed – you’re not over-coffeed, or over-cigarette-ed, you had enough sleep … so what gives?”

She not so gentley replies: “You, you fucking retard! It’s You! …”

Ummm?

And away she goes:

“You … You have regrets. Not just little ones .. not just the extra piece of cake or the time you didn’t tell the plumber he was a fucking racist cunt … No, you regret everything else. You think you did everything wrong and thats why you are the way you are. You think you should have worked more, spent more time with the kids as they were growing up, not studied, studied more … you think you shouldn’t have had fun that night you got blitzed and passed out in town … it’s not the actions, you just think you should have done it ‘differently’ … yah know … more civilised. You regret everything because You believe you are a worthless piece of shit. You therefore not only regret everything, but you carry more guilt for everything you are and everything you aren’t – more guilt than one person should carry at any one time! You’re a regretful guilt-carry sack of shit.”

Oh Ok.

Note to self: I really should speak nicer to myself.

So thats the A-ha.

I’m trying to re-write a narrative that I’ve already -re-written – Into the Negative. And while I try-est my hard-est to change that groove, it can’t be changed if I’m not trying to re-write the Actual story.

It’s not a matter of justification, it’s a matter of embracing everything that I was … everything that I am. Because it is what it is.

Could I Really have done any better?

With what I had, No, I couldn’t have done any better.

Really??

But thats not what I tell myself … every, single, day.

No I tell myself (deep down in the pitt of my stomach), that I should have done better. That saying I made the most of it is an excuse. I shoulda woulda coulda done it differently … better …

Different … meaning, like everyone else?

Arrrggghhhh … since when the fuck did I want to be like everyone else?

“When I started to Believe That Everyone Else Was Better than Me and that I was nothing more than a dysfunctional retard that needed someone else to save Me”.

Fuck.

Now thats a bitch of a revelation. I don’t know that I like it, but Oh well.

Looks like I’m going to have to work on my ‘self-worth’.

Fuck.


kpm ©


 

Image

me & bumble bees

did i tell yah

i love

the humble

bumble bee?

well, i do.

wanna know why?

according to some

old

scientific dude,

these little creatures,

shouldn’t be able to fly.

technically,

their little fat

fuzzy bodies,

should be to heavy

for their

petite little

wings.

but even though

some old fart

decided, in his

infinite wisdom,

that the aero-dynamics

of it all

just don’t

add up,

they fly

just fine,

anyways.

so why do i

like ’em so much?

because they defy

the odds.

they are what

they are,

no matter what

any cunt decides

they should be(e).


kpm©


 

SaveSave

Image

scary canary …

so, apopo (tomorrow) i go in and do my art installation and im nervous – fucking nervous – but different nervous. lol.

i think cos this year i’m focused on different things / goals, and am more ‘present’, the ‘feelings’ are hell’ah different. thats it in a very small nutshell … and no doubt as i unravel this part of my shizz, i’ll repeat my angst and toss it over and re analyze and regurgitate and throw it out …. on and on, until i get some peace with it all.

its not bad though. thats what i can ‘feel’ this time. that its not bad. and i’m not ‘scared’, like scared shitless … i’m just nervous of the unknown but excited as well … of the unknown!

now how fucken cool is that!! it’s all progress!!

so, be prepared for more random updates and random pictures and random unidentified feelings as i roll on to the exhibiton on friday …

:)

love & gangstah light <3


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

not then

not everyone

is born

during the

daytime.

otherwise

we’d all

see it

the same

way.


kpm©