The morning started with a slight tummy ache but nothing to warrant any medication … hmmm … now I’m at 11.40am having just spent the last hour on the floor, with 2 ice packs on my feet, in the lotus position trying to breath deeply and meditative-ly … and nearly a whole sedative coursing through my veins now … and I’m just beginning to feel ok.
So was that a hot flush? Didn’t entirely feel like one …
So a small to medium panic attack? At what FFS?
I’m still unsure but I aint dwelling on the whys … or so I thought …
As my legs started to feel ok to walk on I head off to the kitchen to get an orange juice … thats what my body feels like right now. And I remember this:
When I was about 14, and I’d been period-ing for a few years by this stage … I woke up one morning with absolutely heinous cramps in my gutt. In hindsight, the pain was centred in my uterus and tubes … at the time, it just felt like my entire tummy area was trying to rip itself out of my body. It hurt like fuckery. I couldn’t walk or sit and lay there doubled over. I was crying and asking my Mama to fix Me … cos I didn’t know what was wrong.
We headed off to the doctors almost immediately and I sat doubled up in the waiting room for about half and hour. The cramps were getting worse and I felt like throwing up and passing out .. the latter I did once I’d got into the doctors room.
Upon ‘waking’ I went off to the toilet to throw up and it felt like my insides were exiting … and hello … there was my period. Arrghhh.
The doctor of course rolled him male eye balls, didn’t say much and prescribed me some kick ass pain killers to take every month.
“It’s just a woman thing”, was the diagnosis.
No explanation as to the hows and the whys … especially since I had been menstruating for a few years and hadn’t experienced anything like this.
But this sums up my entire ‘biological woman’ experience. I’ve gotten more than my fair share of eye balls rolls and been prescribed way more than my fair share of ‘woman’ medication.
As I was remembering this, I thought about the pills I take now. The sedatives. They’re not pain meds as such … they’re sleeping pills … that I use in small doses to bring down my heart rate, numb my body and take away pain … so I feel semi-functional.
I haven’t found anything else that works as quick and as effectively. Sure the deep breathing helps … sure the ice packs help … sure a big ass fan helps … sure positive fucking affirmation helps …
But sleeping pills help Me feel normal. They don’t make Me sleep. They just calm my senses.
Now thats some fucked up shit.
But this is also the story of Me and Biological Womanhood.
I’m pretty sure it hates Me.
Or do I hate it?
Hate it like panic attacks? Hate it like emotion?
I’m not really sure. But it fucking sucks. It sucks just as much as the hippies that think being ‘in touch with oneself’ is the cure all. Ps: Not offence intended to actual hippies … love y’all ;)
It’s fucking hard … near impossible to ‘feel’ and be ok. And I’m pretty sure my uterus feels the same way … like its saying … ‘dam bitch … what are we doing?’
I think she’s been intruded upon so many times that she freaks the fuck out at every little twitch. It’s the same with sex. I know she feels the anxiety and is pretty keen to shut up shop before anything comes near lol.
Wow … now that was one hell of a diversion for someone who ‘wasn’t going to dwell on that shit’ … I think the point I was trying to make to myself …
Is … my body is used to feeling numb … numb is my normal … its quiet and its peaceful. The bits that like the numbness to the extreme, are my biological woman bits and emotions.
Ahhhh. Fuck it.
There it is, the very long #thoughtforthefuckingday.