numbing.dissociative.retard.

thats me.

& now i’m fucking paying for it.


kpm ©


 

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before I forget …

Which I’m doing a lot lately … not sure if that’s normal … meh … it’s now the ‘new normal’ lol.

Sooo …

Just had a definite panic attack.

Yes … pause to breathe in that beauty *sarcasm intended* …

Explanation:

I’ve been rambling on for like, nearly 3 years, about being a dissociated fuckwitt and that becoming one with oneself is actually more fucked up than I realised at the get go … and that being a dissociated retard is actually quite pleasant.

But also … because I chose to ‘move on’ arrghhh … and ‘let go’ double arggghhhh …. I have been confronted with all sorts of fuckery from feelings to flashbacks to an assault on my senses to memories, to memories of feelings and so it goes on.

Within this conundrum, there is another special kind of fuckery … not sure what the technical term for that is … and I realise I’m rambling … again … and finding it a little hard to get to the point … arrghhh …

I haven’t been able to tell what the difference is between :

  • being hungry
  • being nervous
  • hormones ‘shifting’
  • hot flushes
  • anger
  • excitement
  • happiness
  • anxiety
  • sinus issues
  • panic attack
  • hyperventilation
  • You get my fucking drift ay …

Physically they feel the same to someone like Me … and having been so devoid of feeling and emotion for so long, I have not been able to recognise the difference in each of these. So when I get that ‘feeling’ … I prepare for the whole lot … panic, anxiety, head rush, hunger etc etc .

Fucking exhausting … but I been doing my do …

Any Way …

Half an hour ago the builders rang to say they were coming. I was fine.

I rang my partner to tell him the builders were coming. I was fine with a twinge of ‘something’, enough for me to head to the anti-anxiety meds.

I got up, went to go get a water and I could feel my chest tightening, my breathing speeding up and my extremities going numb.

I made toast. Lol. Cos that’s what you do … geez

And started to breath deeply-er.

I did a mental check of the ‘possibilities’ of the uncomfortable feelings in my body and started trying to eliminate those … When I realised — tadah! You’re having panic attack fool LOL.

So … Got my earplugs, checked exists, kept breathing … builders showed up … I answered the door, visibly shaking and breathing like a traumatized animal lol.

And then the dude opened his mouth and started talking and I remembered he was an idiot. He was the dude that I had pointed my golf club at. Once I realised who he was … and that I was safe and OK … the shaking stopped, and the breathing eased …

And I am now on the come down.

And

Feeling pretty stoked with myself …

Not cos I had a panic attack but because I recognised it – both physically and emotionally.

High – fucking – five Me <3



kpm ©