dreaming …

had a dream last night .. & like a tonne of us, sleep is abit of a ratchet buzz atm .. 

not sure why im sharing this here, but any who ..

its a remake of a recurring dream a use to have, but the other was usually in a different setting & involved my kids. it always left me with a wtf & slightly exhausted sensation.

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it started in an old 2 bedroom flat i used to live in. there was me, ex, his kids, & a few other randoms. all in there, squashed af but living their best lives lol .. & by that, i mean they were blissfully unaware of their surroundings.

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our surroundings, in a certain light, were what i deem disgusting.

the roof was mouldy, on top of that were a tonne of cobwebs. the walls were dripping with mould and water. there was rubbish everywhere & it had been moved into ‘piles’ randomly. the toilet had been blocked & their was literal shit all over the place but it had been unblocked but not cleaned up.

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after moving around the rooms i felt overwhelmed about cleaning it all up, cos it was too big. also it was near impossible to clean around everyone.

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then we were all in a new house. 3 story mansion type gig. beautiful big windows and plenty of space.

but the junk and filth just relocated. so the same feeling of being the only person in the house to actually see what sort of state it was in, was frustrating, boarder lining on fury.

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i said my piece .. finally.

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‘this shit is filthy .. we need to clean it up, get rid of the junk & reorganise the spaces so we can all cohabitate together’.

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and no shit .. in my dream .. i was told i was being negative & there was absolutely nothing wrong with our surroundings.

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i woke up frustrated af. 

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sooooo . . . i note this is exactly what it feels like watching the world implode atm.

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js.


kpm ©


 

yet another dream ..

the other night i dreamt about a river. clean & clear. 2 rivers actually.

flowing through my house. i could see them through glass floors.

& as i looked at them i thought, fuck they’re clear & clean ..

i should get my camera.

then i just stood there thinking .. i’ll have to go upstairs, find the new batteries, change the batteries & then come back down to take the photo/s. the river could have changed by then. ? .

then the next thought was : is it more important to get a photo or just view it & enjoy it. here & now.

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i woke up feeling anxious.

anxious that i’d made the wrong choice.

that i had missed some mind blowing photo op OR missed something that nature herself wanted me to see.

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& thats me.

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continuously anxious that i’m doing the wrong thing.

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what the actual fuck.

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choices & change. they seem to go hand in hand.


kpm ©


 

the dreams ..

once i had a dream that my entire jaw bone structure was removed. it was sitting in front of me. i could see it & knew it was mine but my face didn’t feel any different. it was blackened. & i felt like it was old.

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once i had a dream that i removed a centipede / caterpillar type thing from my mouth. it was trying to go back down my throat. i grabbed it in my teeth but not enough to break it, just to hold it. then i grabbed the end of it & pulled gently so it would all come out in one piece.

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once i had a dream that i knocked 3 men off like grandstand type thing. they were threatening & laughing & grabbing @ me. so i killed them by knocking each one off his perch. i watched them fall to the ground & die. no-one around me said anything. they also hadn’t helped or admonished then fuckwits during the course of their tirade.

afterwards, i felt like i should confess to someone in ‘authority’ & spend a lengthy amount of time in prison for taking their lives. i could learn gardening there. take some time out for myself. 

but why. didn’t they deserve everything they got?

didn’t those around me, deserve everything they got?

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last night i had one of ‘those’ dreams. of being groped @; of objecting but not being listened too.

i woke myself up by screaming NO in my dream.

the NO came out a whispered scream, like the air was being sucked out of me. but i woke.

its messed with me feng shui slightly & is making me feel on edge. boarder lining on feeling ‘unsafe’.

but im holding onto the fact that its a dream. that im stronger than i was, than i ever have been. that my response was appropriate & is getting louder. that no matter how much i protest & am not heard, i’ll still keep on objecting & screaming NO to everything & anything that impedes my flow.

im grateful today, for the beauty of nature.

.


kpm ©


 

a remembering dream.

had another dream. about where i used to work.

most of them make me anxious AF, even in my dream.

i loved that place. i hated that place.

i learnt shitloads. i paid shitloads.

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in my dream i remembered my first supervisor.

that there was a time when i felt reasonably safe in that place. i was learning the ropes & it was a new environment but i felt safe.

because i had that supervisor.

he was a potty mouth, brash motherfucker, who did whatever the fuck he liked.

i loved the old cunt.

he was protective of his staff. he had done the job so long he knew what to look for,  what behavioural indicators were presenting in the kids & he had no trouble pulling staff up, high and low, for trailing, or for not doing their job properly … for being unsafe.

id kind of forgotten about my experience with him.

that good feeling got drowned out by all the bullshit that happened after i was taken out of his team.

shit turned to shit thereafter. i started getting sicker as things started changing & home started getting more unpredictable.

that dude reminds me of another experience i had with a woman that utilised maori rongoa. she was hearty & held space like no other person i had ever experienced.

strong. quiet. knowing. protective.

anyway.

my dreams reminded me of good things. good memories. im thinking this is my feng shui’s way of balancing out the back flashes at the moment.

of giving me something else to hold on to.

*keep watching this space ;)*


kpm©


 

they watched.

on 29 sept, it had been 14 years since my nan died. it was also a new moon.

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that night i had dreams & i woke feeling different. like my third eye had been buffed & my sight &  hearing was to the side. like on abit of a gangstah lean lol.

im a dreamer .. some are me processing trauma (always called them nightmares, but they’re not really) or things i dont understand with my mind, & some are ‘old’. not sure how to explain them, but i know when i have them, that they’re different. they usually come before something changes or shifts or something significant happens …. & i’m left with a deep sense of ‘doing things differently’.

part of the dream was of an old white woman who held space like my nan used to, but this woman had a kete (flax woven bag). she was like a shadow, but confident in her space.

my nan is / was a white woman of british decent, & she was also a ‘see-er’, whose gifting was pretty hardcore but she was continuously admonished & misunderstood throughout her life.

she is also the woman who left me in the room to be sexually assaulted. i think her gift brought her too the room in the first instance; or the door of the room – & she knocked and called out, but i think her fear stopped her from opening the door and confronting her regrets & fears.  she hadn’t wanted her son / the pedo.  so she left me there. i believe this is one of her deepest regrets.

she is now one of, or the most prominent kaitiaki (protectors / guardians)  i have.

anyway, so back to the dream … apart from this old white woman, the other significant part of the dream was that i strangled the uncle / her son / the assailant.

in all dreams I’ve had of him i usually cant speak or move or i feel deeply afraid etc etc. this is the first in 43 years, that i have asserted me, over him.

it felt good.

so upon waking, i felt different.

as the day unravelled, this is what i remember.

the self professed white supremacist aka pedo cunt (as i call him) was engaged in what he labelled as occultism at the time of his assaulting me. the room was painted black and on one wall above the bed, was painted an inverted pentagram with a goats head in it – a.typical bullshit. he has this tattooed on his head also. so this was my first experience of anything ‘occult’ like.

at the other end of the pendulum was my mother who had embraced mainstream pentecostal christianity, where all things ‘witchcraft’, maori, woman etc were demonised and ‘prayed out of me’.  by relation to the pedo cunt, i was labeled as being ‘touched’ by the demons that were his, including his ‘beliefs’.

as with most things of the ‘club’ variety throughout my life, i have ‘shelved’ all things religious.

as the years have gone on i’ve called on the ‘ancients’ instead of what any religion dishes up & nature is where ive been drawn too. the ocean being my first call.

so, i learned the horned creature that i was told was the devil; that was ‘cast out’ on many occasions; that was above me in crude form whilst i experienced one of the most heinous crimes my body has ever experienced … was not in fact who i was told he was.

today i learnt about ‘Pan’.

he, or ‘Pan’, has many of my traits; being the devil is not one of them.

the 2 things that were safe in my life were music & dance. these are 2 of the traits pan has.

i think he watched over me that day, in a distorted kind of way.

my dreams reminded me of that.

i won in the end. not that other cunt.


kpm©


 

be gone.

give up the dream.

cos it’s just a dream.


kpm ©


 

dreams & shit.

It’s not that I forget that they diagnosed pts(d). Not at all. It’s just that sometimes I get a taste of ‘normality’ – very loose definition of – and I just enjoy rolling with it.

And then something happens … usually in my dreams.

And I am viciously catapulted back to ‘reality’ – also loosely defined as such.

The latest catapult came the other night. After another one of those dreams.

Where I am Big, as in, an adult body.

I can’t move. I can’t speak. And when I try to scream, not much more than a whisper, comes out.

So again, I am lying, naked, trying to scream; sticky clammy hands running all over my body … trying to move them away, with my body, with my mind … mouth wide open, in an enraged, violated scream.

And nothing is coming out.

My partner woke me from this dream. He says it was going on for a long time and I wouldn’t wake up.

He’d placed his hand on my head and was speaking quietly and calmly to me; a. so I didn’t hit him; b. so I wouldn’t get a fright.

It seemed to work.

I woke feeling angry, scared, frustrated, violated …

I’m hoping the return of this dream means I am ‘working it out’ somehow; and will come to another ‘ah-huh’ – moment whereby something registers in my being – something is put to rest … I hope.


kpm ©


 

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dreaming: old friends

i’ve had lots of really vivid dreams over the last week or so. lots about my sister.

the other night i dreamt about an old friend of mine. her, her family and her old house.

they’re a pretty wealthy lot.

in my dream i saw her parents big old house, with the 10 odd rooms. each room huge and palatial.

her parents were asleep in seperate bedrooms. sick. and tired.

my friend was organising the household.

everything was ultra quiet. and cold.

when i woke up, it occurred to me, that all that money; all that hard work, produced nothing but distance, sickness, tiredness and resentment.

and a really large house for everyone to live separately in and ignore each other.

i wondered what the actual point of all that was. all that money and no love.


kpm ©


 

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dreams ay …


“I’m having a break … got shit to do …” *insert the largest eye ball roll ever* lol.

So I woke up with my feng shui panties in a bunch … so here I am.

1st the flash / dream that disrupted my 4 hours of sleep .. and yes my sleeping feng shui is also up the shitter at present … but we rolling with it …

It’s the dream I hate. The one that shows up every few months of late and fucks with Me. It smells like a memory but comes in a dream. I try hard not to dwell on it cos I know it’ll unfold as it wants, when it wants. I’ve learnt theres no point stressing over it, or picking it to bits too much … as untimely, annoying, and disturbing as it is, when it happens … I’m learning that it seems to come when my ‘being’ thinks I can handle it. … PS: I’ve had words with ‘my being’ and told it it’s full of shit, but it don’t listen lol.

So the dream … Me being pinned and not being able to move, breath, speak. The difference this time was I was standing upright with glass type thing between Me and the pedo. And I was bigger, not small like I usually am. I still couldn’t breath properly, and had small raspy breaths but this time, although I felt scared, I could feel that I was looking for solutions. I was fully aware of what that fuck was doing to my body, but I could also see myself looking around, from side to side; trying to look for someone, to get attention or help or something … I also tried to scream and instead of nothing coming out of my mouth, a fog horn type sound came out … like a hoarsey throat thing was happening.

I could feel that cunt on my skin, but also knew he was not aware that I was different … bigger … Not desperate, but thinking … I was more aware.

He wasn’t aware. Dick.

And then I felt myself starting to panic and forced myself awake. I woke with sound in my voice … like trying to cry but not being able too; disturbed, but OK. I knew I was awake and that I had had a dream.

I didn’t get up and go and have a smoke like I usually do. Instead I wrapped up in my fluffy blanket and went back to bed. The rest of the night was restless and I had to put my pillow on my chest … but I was Ok. And I am Ok.

As strange as it all sounds, this for Me … as I see it … is Progress.

I can see and feel the changes in my perspective.

It’s exciting and frightening all at the same time. And I didn’t think I’d ever hear myself say that.

I feel like I’m growing up … I know lol … moving from a cowering child to an angry adolescent to an awake, aware adult … who is getting bigger … almost big enough to do some mother fucking damage …

I can feel it happening …

So today I was going to do some important shit lol, but I’m going to paint instead … yeah, I got shit to unfold and don’t have the articulation for it (believe it or not ;) ) ….

I feel hopeful … Now thats weird … Cool … But weird.

Love and mother fucking light all day, all night xoxo


PSS:

Nature decided it was actually going to do winter today and greeted Us with a big fat frost … Love this season <3


kpm ©


 

Video

dreams ~ fleetwood mac

dreams ~ fleetwood mac, 1977

e-ven …

even, though, it didn’t work out

as i expected

even, though, it didn’t work out

as i planned

even, though, it didn’t work out

anything like what it ‘should’ have

even, though, it didn’t work out

anything like the mental picture i had painted.

it’s, still, pretty fucken

gangstah.


kpm ©


 

dreaming, again

the invasion dream.

awkward.

breathless.

frustrating.

left screaming,

“leave Me alone”.


kpm©


 

dream(s)

the screaming dream.

i scream.

noone listens.

fucker is

painful.


kpm©


 

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yep. I still have fucked up dreams.

*For those that can’t handle, this is a warning … not that I usually give one … but for some, the discussion of this dream will be disturbing as it’s about rape. It’s not all negative, hard to believe I know, but I get that some of my shit it hard to deal with and it isn’t my intention to freak anyone out un-necessarily … I just gotta get my shit out … so yeah …*

This partial post has been sitting in my drafts for days … but as you know … I hate drafts in my draft section … it all feels so … incomplete!! LOL

But I’ve been waiting for a reaction to a dream a had about 3 nights ago. I still have disturbing dreams but they aren’t as frequent as they used to be; and I’m usually able to go back to sleep after a while. That’s progress, for me.

;

The other night I had a rather graphic dream about being raped by the pedo cunt. The face was slightly different, but the ‘intent’ was the same … to gain power … to terrorise … to humiliate … to belittle … to laugh at … to torment. To hurt.

It was all there.

It’s usually at the beginning that I wake up … sweating and crying and I get up and shower … to remove the ‘feeling’ … to wake myself up properly.

This time, I didn’t wake up though and an entire rape happened.

The other difference this time (dream wise), was I wasn’t little (body wise) … I was an adult.

The other huge differences …

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…..as he laughed his face off in mine … laughing at the pain and fear in my face … and the fear that was in my body and the tears that were rolling down my face ….

I screamed at him, that he was a cunt, a fucking cunt … and the more he laughed the angrier I got. The scream turned into a violent bellow … you know those gutt wrenching “FUCK YOU” bellows … yeah, well one of them … and it raged and it went on for like forever ….

and as he continued laughing and doing his filthy deed, I bit his chin till it pissed out with blood … as he pulled away, the flesh ripped and I spat it out at him … he continued to laugh …

then I bit his cheek and the same thing happened … blood everywhere, flesh everywhere … and then I raged some more …

I couldn’t move my body, as such; I knew it looked like an adult’s body but it felt small … and it felt like it was being crushed …

but the feeling in my spirit … my gutt … my soul … was pure and utter RAGE ….

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The thing for me, that is good, is that this has never happened before. Usually, like I said, I wake scared, shaky, sweaty, crying … and in my dreams that powerless feeling takes hold something fucking awful.

But this time … just RAGE. There were all the sensations of what was happening … but a pure perfect RAGE … at HIM … not me and my powerlessness … but HIM and his fucking filthiness!

And when I woke up …

I felt an amazing, overwhelming peace and sense of orientation and satisfaction.

That has never happened before.

I think I waited so long to share my victory because I thought somehow I would have some sort of ‘delayed’ reaction or was in some sort of fucked up denial.

But No.

I feel like I have turned a pivotal corner and wasn’t even aware of it coming.

As gross and vile and fucking disgusting as it all is …

I’m not as I was. I am different. And I am fucking love that!


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

back to basics

The ugly anxiety / panic attack bullshit has been raising its ugly head again over the last few days. So its back to the breath pacer thingy and monitoring the heart rate to get that shit back to ‘normal’ … fingers crossed.

I’ve had these moments come and go to varying rates and degrees of ferocity. I think though, at the moment, they’re intensifying slightly because my dreams are having a moment of their own … again.

They’re busy … really busy. And while that’s kind of normal for me, and I know my dreams are where I ‘process’ … there are snippets of memories I don’t want to process, popping up throughout. It’s that shit that s tiring.

Not the easiest to explain … I guess they’re flashbacks but in dreams. But then I wake with them … great fun … NOT.

The positive side I guess, is that my psyche must be ready to deal with it, otherwise it wouldn’t be surfacing. Well, that’s what I tell myself to make it all alright ;)

Any who …

Breathing away … pacing the heart … watching the green turn to blue turn to red … and breathing some more.


kpm ©


 

the.dark.ness

black.ness.

hard.ness.

cold.ness.

.

there is no smell.

no sound.

nothing to see.

.

the haunted creep.

slither.

bite.

.

they

stroke the back of your neck.

.

breathe

on your skin.

.

dark.ness.

makes its way

round your waist.

.

cool damp breath

will smirk.

.

it lightly runs its

nails down your chest.

.

wet tears.

mingle.

with blood.

in dark.ness.

.


kpm ©


 

I don’t want to close my eyes

 

Sometimes I don’t want to turn the lights off…and I don’t want to close my eyes.

Sometimes I don’t want to sleep…just in case I can see what I do when my eyes are closed.

That sometimes moment…is now.

She says, the psychologist, that even though I don’t want to do something, I need to just do it anyway. It’s all part of the new theory of not letting your thoughts rule you. Just because I think something doesn’t mean that its real. Or that it should stop me.

But she’s never been in my dreams. And she’s never been there when my eyes are closed.

She says that it will get better. And she’s right in part.  It is better. Sometimes.

She says to get my ‘bag’ of sensory things when I feel like I don’t want to be present. To find the thing that helps ground me.

But I don’t know that I need grounding at the moment. I just don’t want to close my eyes. And I don’t want to be present.

I haven’t told her yet, that the thing she says I should do…the, just do it anyway…is what I’ve always said. Just do it anyway. It hurts but just do it anyway. You don’t like it but just do it anyway. It’s been the survival theme song.

And now it’s supposed to help me let go of everything that I see when my eyes are closed.

It’s some fucked up shit alright. Times like this, I wish I wasn’t giving up the pills.

But I am…and I won’t give up fighting…cos I don’t…and I will be alright…and I will close my eyes…and I will sleep…and I will be alright.


kpm ©


 

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ptsd treatment update

  • The binaural beat things seem to be working in conjunction with sleeping pill reduction
  • Walking everyday seems to be tiring me out naturally, at last
  • Backlash of sleeping pill reduction – lots and lots of dreams – exhausting and vivid – a replay of old things I’d forgotten – some exceptionally hideous ones
  • Noticing more
  • More aware of when the panic starts to set in – usually before I leave the house – and on my way back – maybe 5 minutes before I reach home
  • Last couple of days I’ve been able to minimise the panic and yesterday was able to detect its starting moment
  • Terrified of what is coming – what I’ll walk into
  • Breathing and self-talk – I am not going home to anything I can’t handle – this place is the safest place you have ever been, in your whole life – enjoy it, don’t dread it
  • Doing 3-4,000 mgs of lypo-spheric Vitamin C – research suggests high doses of vitamin C help to reduce/repair the damage high cortisol levels / adrenaline have on the immune system.
  • I’ve added more protein to my diet, as research again suggests increased protein helps with the latter
  • Protein and green tea …. but I can’t do the green tea oooouuuuyuck … I have a raw egg instead :0 lol
  • And finally – the raw food eating seems to be doing me good – I don’t digest heavy, therefore my heart rate doesn’t increase – therefore no panic
  • It also means – less allergic reactions – and I’ve been able to decrease my antihistamine intake
  • And finally – I’m now able to take raw cows milk …YUM … and have cut out soy milk – research again suggests that long-term use of soy (non organic) increase progesterone – in my case that aint good :)

Keep going you good thing you xo


kpm ©