dreams ay …

“I’m having a break … got shit to do …” *insert the largest eye ball roll ever* lol.

So I woke up with my feng shui panties in a bunch … so here I am.

1st the flash / dream that disrupted my 4 hours of sleep .. and yes my sleeping feng shui is also up the shitter at present … but we rolling with it …

It’s the dream I hate. The one that shows up every few months of late and fucks with Me. It smells like a memory but comes in a dream. I try hard not to dwell on it cos I know it’ll unfold as it wants, when it wants. I’ve learnt theres no point stressing over it, or picking it to bits too much … as untimely, annoying, and disturbing as it is, when it happens … I’m learning that it seems to come when my ‘being’ thinks I can handle it. … PS: I’ve had words with ‘my being’ and told it it’s full of shit, but it don’t listen lol.

So the dream … Me being pinned and not being able to move, breath, speak. The difference this time was I was standing upright with glass type thing between Me and the pedo. And I was bigger, not small like I usually am. I still couldn’t breath properly, and had small raspy breaths but this time, although I felt scared, I could feel that I was looking for solutions. I was fully aware of what that fuck was doing to my body, but I could also see myself looking around, from side to side; trying to look for someone, to get attention or help or something … I also tried to scream and instead of nothing coming out of my mouth, a fog horn type sound came out … like a hoarsey throat thing was happening.

I could feel that cunt on my skin, but also knew he was not aware that I was different … bigger … Not desperate, but thinking … I was more aware.

He wasn’t aware. Dick.

And then I felt myself starting to panic and forced myself awake. I woke with sound in my voice … like trying to cry but not being able too; disturbed, but OK. I knew I was awake and that I had had a dream.

I didn’t get up and go and have a smoke like I usually do. Instead I wrapped up in my fluffy blanket and went back to bed. The rest of the night was restless and I had to put my pillow on my chest … but I was Ok. And I am Ok.

As strange as it all sounds, this for Me … as I see it … is Progress.

I can see and feel the changes in my perspective.

It’s exciting and frightening all at the same time. And I didn’t think I’d ever hear myself say that.

I feel like I’m growing up … I know lol … moving from a cowering child to an angry adolescent to an awake, aware adult … who is getting bigger … almost big enough to do some mother fucking damage …

I can feel it happening …

So today I was going to do some important shit lol, but I’m going to paint instead … yeah, I got shit to unfold and don’t have the articulation for it (believe it or not ;) ) ….

I feel hopeful … Now thats weird … Cool … But weird.

Love and mother fucking light all day, all night xoxo


Nature decided it was actually going to do winter today and greeted Us with a big fat frost … Love this season <3


dreams ~ fleetwood mac

Dreams ~ Fleetwood Mac, 1977

e-ven …

even, though, it didn’t work out

as i expected

even, though, it didn’t work out

as i planned

even, though, it didn’t work out

anything like what it ‘should’ have

even, though, it didn’t work out

anything like the mental picture i had painted.

it’s, still, pretty fucken


dreaming, again

the invasion dream.




left screaming,

“leave Me alone”.


the screaming dream.

i scream.

noone listens.

fucker is


I don’t want to close my eyes

Sometimes I don’t want to turn the lights off…and I don’t want to close my eyes.

Sometimes I don’t want to sleep…just in case I can see what I do when my eyes are closed.

That sometimes moment…is now.

She says, the psychologist, that even though I don’t want to do something, I need to just do it anyway. It’s all part of the new theory of not letting your thoughts rule you. Just because I think something doesn’t mean that its real. Or that it should stop me.

But she’s never been in my dreams. And she’s never been there when my eyes are closed.

She says that it will get better. And she’s right in part.  It is better. Sometimes.

She says to get my ‘bag’ of sensory things when I feel like I don’t want to be present. To find the thing that helps ground me.

But I don’t know that I need grounding at the moment. I just don’t want to close my eyes. And I don’t want to be present.

I haven’t told her yet, that the thing she says I should do…the, just do it anyway…is what I’ve always said. Just do it anyway. It hurts but just do it anyway. You don’t like it but just do it anyway. It’s been the survival theme song.

And now it’s supposed to help me let go of everything that I see when my eyes are closed.

It’s some fucked up shit alright. Times like this, I wish I wasn’t giving up the pills.

But I am…and I won’t give up fighting…cos I don’t…and I will be alright…and I will close my eyes…and I will sleep…and I will be alright.

First Published on: Jun 28, 2015 @ 00:41 <3

ptsd treatment update

  • The binaural beat things seem to be working in conjunction with sleeping pill reduction
  • Walking everyday seems to be tiring me out naturally, at last
  • Backlash of sleeping pill reduction – lots and lots of dreams – exhausting and vivid – a replay of old things I’d forgotten – some exceptionally hideous ones
  • Noticing more
  • More aware of when the panic starts to set in – usually before I leave the house – and on my way back – maybe 5 minutes before I reach home
  • Last couple of days I’ve been able to minimise the panic and yesterday was able to detect its starting moment
  • Terrified of what is coming – what I’ll walk into
  • Breathing and self-talk – I am not going home to anything I can’t handle – this place is the safest place you have ever been, in your whole life – enjoy it, don’t dread it
  • Doing 3-4,000 mgs of lypo-spheric Vitamin C – research suggests high doses of vitamin C help to reduce/repair the damage high cortisol levels / adrenaline have on the immune system.
  • I’ve added more protein to my diet, as research again suggests increased protein helps with the latter
  • Protein and green tea …. but I can’t do the green tea oooouuuuyuck … I have a raw egg instead :0 lol
  • And finally – the raw food eating seems to be doing me good – I don’t digest heavy, therefore my heart rate doesn’t increase – therefore no panic
  • It also means – less allergic reactions – and I’ve been able to decrease my antihistamine intake
  • And finally – I’m now able to take raw cows milk …YUM … and have cut out soy milk – research again suggests that long-term use of soy (non organic) increase progesterone – in my case that aint good :)

Keep going you good thing you xo

First Published on: Jun 11, 2015 @ 23:17 <3


mauri of me #12 ~ dreams

My Partner.

I have my days where I’d like to throttle him; not in a good way ;) And then there’s day, or nights, like last night, when I get that he gets Me … and I’m grateful.

The nightmares are re-surfacing / flashbacks are becoming more frequent.

But of course, I’m not alone in my bed anymore; or dosed up to the hilt on sleeping pills.

Last night I had another ‘trapped – get Me the fuck out of here’ dream. Whenever these happen, the partner has been trying to wake Me – without getting his head smashed in by a half asleep Me. Instead, last night, he did the following:

Spoke loudly, but calmly – so I could hear him.

Rubbed my shoulder, gently and calmly.

Left his hand on my shoulder until I had woken up.

He kept repeating: ‘It’s Ok dear … you’re dreaming … I’m here’.

For this, and for many other quirky reasons which I tend to forget – I love him.

He is the Yin to my Yang.

He leaves me these: to make Me smile :)


dreams, paint & a late response to a request

It’s not that I forget that they diagnosed pts(d). Not at all. It’s just that sometimes I get a taste of ‘normality’ – very loose definition of – and I just enjoy rolling with it.

And then something happens … usually in my dreams.

And I am viciously catapulted back to ‘reality’ – also loosely defined as such.

The latest catapult came the other night. After another one of those dreams.

Where I am Big, as in, an adult body.

I can’t move. I can’t speak. And when I try to scream, not much more than a whisper, comes out.

So again, I am lying, naked, trying to scream; sticky clammy hands running all over my body … trying to move them away, with my body, with my mind … mouth wide open, in an enraged, violated scream.

And nothing is coming out.

My partner woke me from this dream. He says it was going on for a long time and I wouldn’t wake up.

He’d placed his hand on my head and was speaking quietly and calmly to me; a. so I didn’t hit him; b. so I wouldn’t get a fright.

It seemed to work.

I woke feeling angry, scared, frustrated, violated …

I’m hoping the return of this dream means I am ‘working it out’ somehow; and will come to another ‘ah-huh’ – moment whereby something registers in my being – something is put to rest … I hope.


And then I remembered these:

I told Johanna that I’d post pictures of them for her, when the exhibition came down. I was abit late.

But what has become of this piece; is I have given my permission for it to travel to Australia in May, with a woman who is speaking at a conference on working with women who have experienced violence / sexual violence. Some of the other art that was in the exhibition will be making the trip with her too.

I figure assisting those that assist others is a good a reason as any to have my insides on display.

I also figure with every step, or every dream, that feels like a step backwards … there is a multitude of forward strides that are taken, as Me and people like Me, Respond.


dreaming, what?

a shit load of weird ass dreams has greeted my minimal sleep over the last few weeks. and i’d kinda forgotten, thats how my ‘being’ processes shit: and if i pay enough attention to them, i can figure out whats going on in my world …

so thats what i’ve been trying to do:


I had this dream the other night that I had in my possession, castrated and mummified penises. i woke up with a giggle actually … but then wondered what the fuck that meant. its not a dream i’ve ever had before.

theres some interesting interpretations of this type of ‘nightmare’ here, but not entirely accurate for me. 

my interpretation has more to do with taking away ‘power’ and collecting it for myself i think. 

but it got me thinking about the other things that have been happening around me … one being, my relationship with my partner and again, my lack of affection toward him. did my dream represent what i emotional do to him every time i don’t want him near me?


and then theres the impending doom dream that has repeated itself over the last couple nights. the feeling that i’ve some how ‘angered the gods’ and something that looks like trump, is raining down hell fire and damnation on my ass. and this has more to do with a ‘feeling’ in my dreams, rather than actual ‘things’ … except for the trump face, that pops up … rants and screams … and disappears again.

after pondering on this for awhile, i recollected some of my conversations with family over the last couple of weeks. especially after the earthquakes and with the bizarre weather we’ve been having of late. and we’re all kinda ‘conspiracy theorists’ slash ‘looking for answers in unusual places’ people. and a lot of conversations have been about ‘why’; why is it the way it is … because of the drilling? fracking? because the government has been throwing 1080 all over papatuanuku? because some fucker years ago blew up a radiation plant and the fallout is fucking with the atmosphere? because we dont eat right? because some prick has messed with our bees and plants and the soil is so full of pesticides? on and on it goes … and over the last year or two i’d come to some kind of peaceful place about all this … that papatuanuku (the earth) is bigger and stronger than anything we could ever do to her … the she renews herself and heals herself quite capably … just like my body does.  …. but somewhere in the aftermath of earthquakes and stress, i’ve kinda lost my quiet place on this … after seeing that it is actually possible for an entire country to vote in a misogynistic fucker like trump … was and is quite disheartening.

and i also remembered that as a kid, and growing up, i carried this impending doom kind of feeling with me … that i had literally fucked the gods off and they were coming to get me … that everything that had happened to me throughout my little lifetime was because of what i hadn’t done, or not done really … not enough faith, not enough prayer … being BROWN, because those bastards worshipped idols pfft … the list went on … and while i didn’t believe it; i believed it … just in case.


that drowning sensation…when its so windy you cant breath … yeah well theres been a few of those dreams … and like number 2, this is not an act or event, its an ever present feeling throughout the dream.

and on closer inspection … this is exactly how i’ve been feeling since my sister died. not enough room to catch a breath … enough … but not quite enough.


the m.i.l, grimacing at me. dripping out of her mouth was, ‘are you alright … you need to just forget about it you know’ … 

now this is real. i just relived it in my dreams. and she is not the only person with the pretence of caring … but the agenda is really to do with her … or whoever is doing the pretence …. they don’t care, and they don’t understand and they don’t really want too. they just want it all to go away so i can do whatever it is that they want me to do … or be whatever it is that they want me to be.


i was trying to act normal lol. walking through an old mall i used to go to and that my brother worked at. there was an old army tank parked outside the salon with a wicker chair beside it. i’d hit the tank by accident and sat down on the chair to talk to a guy who was in a local gang (as you do lol) … i recognised the chair from years before hand and lifted the cushions up to have a look. underneath were about 30 or 40 old envelopes with my writing on them. some said ‘lunch money’, ‘haircut’, ‘car’ … they were all old bill envelopes i had put away to pay the bills with, and now they were here. there was thousands of dollars inside all the envelopes. i was just starting to count the money when i woke up.

weird yes. and technically the one and only ‘money’ dream i have ever had in my life. i laughed cos it all seemed semi ironic … but i had an overwhelming sense of ‘what i had been’, ‘what i had done’ that was right … good.


what does any of this mean? well, i’m not entirely certain yet … but i’m working on it ….