So, we found out from my sisters autopsy, that the cause of death was a Heart attack from a ‘recreational’ drug, otherwise known as meth.
I figured I may as well start with the punchline first and then roll into the rest of my ramble … If you’ve read any of my shit before, you’ll know I have a disdain for ‘druggies’ – I’ve always loosely classed this group as those whose indulgence is based in the ‘Fuck it, I’ll do what I want’ theory.
To expand on that slightly and maybe for some sort of justification for my cause, these are the drug-wits that spend all their money on their drug of choice BEFORE rent, food, power … their kids. These are the cunts that are quite happy to sell their kids clothing, toys … their kids … for an extra hit. These are the fuckers that get their kids to hold the belt while they look for a vein, or tap the pipe to remove the residue. These are the mongrels who don’t give two fucks whose around their kids, who don’t notice where their kids are or what they’re doing whilst they’re getting fucked up … these assholes can’t care about what their kids inhale or exhale; whose fingering them or when they last ate. They can’t because they’re addicts 1st; fucked up 2nd.
Never met any of these cunts in real life? Just seen them on those poxy movies about some street whore whose fucked up and then sets her life right after meeting Jesus?
They’re a breed all of their own.
Is it a sickness? An illness? Fuck Yes.
And my disdain for them isn’t because they can’t give up but because they won’t give up. And whilst they don’t … their kids get left behind, fucked, absolutely ruined.
My disdain for them isn’t because they are in pain, denial, a huge spiral downward that has led to their addiction … my disdain for them comes from them taking their kids with them.
A couple single peeps that want to get all fucked up all day, all night … go for it … they’re not hurting anyone but themselves.
When I talk of the despising I have for druggies, the former, are the ones I am referring too.
While I still hold this angst … and I know why I hold it:
—– parents that aren’t ‘with it’ (drugged or not) don’t notice whats happening with their babies. As the years have trolled on, it would appear they no longer need to be drugged … they have other distractions; like work, sport, socializing …. building a career. And that isn’t just aimed at women … far too long fathers have sat around in the background barking fucking orders expecting everyone to obey and get in line!
—— the fucktard that sexually assaulted my person was able to because a. he was able to, b. he was fuelled with his high of choice, c. no one around me was paying attention. …. has that filled me with all kinds of hate over the years … hell yes … have I let a large portion of it go … yes. Most of the time now I roll with point A. Because you must have the ability to do something that hideous, already present in your psyche … the rest comes after. Drugs aren’t the cause of such a fucked up action. They definitely helped lubricate his actioning of it though. Do I believe that cunt would’ve done it without the drugs … yes, eventually he would have. With this fucker though … there is no him without the drugs … the two are symbiotically joined.
And I get that most of my angst toward white supremacists, racism, drug addiction, sexism … come from what I endured as an infant and child; and continue to live with now. I get that.
So like all of my pts(d) quirks / realities … drug addiction in my reference to it … has been at the top end of the scale, because that is my experience of it. Me taking a concoction of pharmaceuticals with a bottle of whiskey, has never been in the same calabar of ‘drug use’; from my perspective of course. Becoming ‘balanced’ by way of ingesting a couple of tabs or smoking a fat joint to relieve pain … is not the same … in my world. Thats the equivalent of taking a Panadol for a headache.
So the angst … And then … I learnt about my sisters:
The older has been an addict, in and out of rehabs, for years. Why does she go to rehab … because she’s sent there or guilted into it. She believes she should do what everyone else tells her to do. She’s neglected her kids along the way and fucked up plenty of lives including her own. Is she dead? No. She’s very much alive with a tolerance to drugs, second to none. She’s still struggling; still ‘pretending’ the rehab solution. She chooses to remain as she is. She’s in pain, emotionally … and she’s causing pain. She has to live with the pain that she has inflicted on her kids throughout the years. But she remains high. Do I blame her for that? No. She’s made her choice. Her kids are grown. Her actions are her own. Do I ostracize her for it? Fuck No. She’s my sister. Will I call her out on her lies and bullshit? Yup. Would I let her ping up in my home. Nope.
Then there’s my younger sister, now dead. She indulged in a bit of pot smoking and beer drinking throughout her life … the odd line every now and then … to get the party started. She also made choices. She chose not to smoke with her kids present; she chose to hide her self medication and recreational drug use from others. And none of us realised the extent of her usage until after she died.
So which one is a better choice?
I don’t know.
It blows holes in my theory of ‘druggies’ because these two I love.
It’s easier to be angry, and justifiably so, at the pedo cunt whose over use of all things synthetic fuelled his abhorable actions. Easy peasy.
But I’m thinking, that’s where it ends.
Oh, I still have a disdain for fuckers that choose to take their kids along for the drug fuelled ride they’re on. Everyone reaps the consequences of their actions. But like everything in this world really, I guess I can’t generalise the judgement. Although sometimes its easier to generalise when your too afraid or ashamed to lay the blame squarely where it should be.
Like i said before, the pedo cunt became a pedo cunt, because he could and that’s what he chose. No drug, no hate group, no thought process, other than his own, made him the way he was. He found those other things along the way. He is a fucker through and through.
And as for my sisters.
My heart bleeds for both of their circumstances … would their lives be different if there was no access to meth? Possibly. Would they have ended up in the same position as they both are now. Probably. And that’s the stink ass realisation of it all. If there was no meth, there’d be something else. They have both numbed their pain in various ways … as have I.
Pain + Relief = Pain Relief : by any means necessary.
And that is the fuckery of that.