tomorrow

I’m nervous.

Funny that.

Anticipation.

He’s a bitch.

1 year on …

It definitely doesn’t feel like a year since starting this particular ‘chapter’ of my awesome existence …. feels like yesterday when i was whining about not being able to get to the front gate let alone the shop without freaking out and having a meltdown of seismic proportions … ahhh the good old days.

Now, its the front seat of the car all the way to town…and back {hollah!} … and whining is usually only limited to something truly awful … like hanging out with the partner for faaarrrr to long … or having a particularly shit EMDR session … but even then … i’ve learned enough to know that if its been a rough EMDR, give it a couple weeks and there will be some kind of mindless improvement … weird, but true.

I’m still battling … and i haven’t completed figured out my reconciliation with this whole ptsd bullshit … but I am thoroughly pleased with myself (today) … and my progress (today) … and I can say that I look forward to seeing whats going to happen next 😉

yesterdays stuff: progress

The shrinks appointments aren’t as frequent as last year…think that’s called progress 😉

But we kicked off the sesh with the usual catch up, and I got to tell her I’ve dropped the ‘walking stick’; dropped the benzos; and dropped taking the pillow and blanky everywhere with me 🙂 … it’s all progress…

And that I’d done the front seat of the car and 4 shops in the neighboring town. She was pretty pleased. She can tick the boxes for ACC so they don’t cut my shit off just yet.

We also got into the, how to maintain myself during and after the dreaded panic attacks…cos they still happen, and can be hugely debilitating. While I’m not as freaked for as long and try hard to not let them put me off going places I want too…they are fucking horrible as they happen.

So we did the old EMDR on my waiting room ordeal and figured out that that same feeling translates to every other thing that sets off a panic attack. I’ve always known this really, it’s just hard to put it into words / frame it up.

When I feel trapped…which can be waiting; … I feel vulnerable … I start to feel anxious … the longer it takes to get a grip on it … the more heightened I feel … and then its over grover. I go dizzy, shaky, blurry … I can tell myself that I am alright; safe; not vulnerable etc. … but my body doesn’t give a shit about what I’m telling it … it wants OUT! Out, Out, Out … and that out feeling translates into a panic attack of seismic proportions.

The EMDR seemed to help a little a bit… but I won’t really know until I’m in that situation again…which in itself is fucked … it’s why I have avoided all situations that have produced this type of reaction … seemed pretty wise to me!

But, yes, it got so debilitating that I couldn’t go anywhere, at all. Not even to the god dam letterbox … and that is even more fucking annoying than the panic attack itself.

I get why I do this … why my body does this. But I am over it … I want to be able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I’ve become trapped by the trapped feeling. Hate that shit…

Anyway…progress. Here’s to it!!!!!

images2N1MVT92

1st sesh and shit, for 2016

I’ve had a break from the shrink and all the shrink things that go along with therapy, for about a month…Christmas, New Years stuff and all. I enjoyed Christmas and New Years in my own little, ‘coming into my own well-being’, way! I lessened the breather thingy and the use of my walking stick…I’m still rocking the headphones and music and sunglasses and small bag of tricks, for most outings. But on a whole, its been steady progress, without having to check in with the shrink.

So all I’ve been soaking up really is the goodness that is beach life…the sun, sand, birds chirping, the occasional passer-by, good food, the garden, the ocean, the sound of the ocean, bright stars at night, warm fires…beach life!

And yesterday we floated off for my first 2016 appointment with the shrink; garbed in sandals and shorts and t shirts…feeling like we had just got off the plane from the tropics…we rounded the corner, heading for the city; and got met with dark and gloomy rainclouds…not the nice kind. I tried to remain positive…whilst sitting in the front seat! Yah Me! I tried remaining, in spirit, in the sunshine, we had just come from.

Then we entered the city.

Now on any given day…PTSD day that is… the city is a head fuck. But I was prepared yesterday, I thought. But the anxiety hit me as soon as I got to the outskirts…its hard to explain….

But it kind of looks like this….

THERESPEOPLEANDWALLSANDSOUNDSANDHOUSESANDFLASHINGLIGHTSANDSPARKLYLIGHTSANDMOREWALLSANDMOREPEOPLETHERESNOROOMTOBREATHNOBIRDSNOSUNJUSTCRASHINGANDBANGINGANDNOISETHATMAKESNOSENSEANDMOREPEOPLERUSHINGANDRUNNINGANDBUSYANDBLANKANDPALEANDLOUDANDLAUGHINGATNOTHINGITSMELLSFUNNYANDTHERESNOSWEETNESSORAIRORROOM……………….ANDITJUSTDOESNTMAKESENSE……………………………………………

Yeah, that’s what it feels like!

So we get to the office and I said to the partner; who is a whole lot better by the way (and that is another post!); ‘it’ll be an hour, please be back by 11’.

The shrink did all the ‘touch base’ stuff and we didn’t do EMDR, thank fuck. 11 o’clock rolls around and we’re finished…and I’m feeling pretty ok. Until I realised the partner wasn’t there to pick me up yet. So, I had to wait in the waiting room. Now this is the first time I’ve sat in the waiting room…for reasons that make sense to me…the receptionists voice is god awful; its shrieky and shrill; the phone rings, people come through, its suffocating…blah blah.

I sat in that waiting room for 20 minutes and had myself a delightful 8.9 on the panic attack Richter scale! I tried the music and headphones and colouring in book and breathing…..and it got worse….I tried to think clearly and reasonably and it got worse!

BUT…I rode it out; I got through it; and the partner got to me eventually! I’ve definitely still got issues with waiting…and that’s something I’ll take up with the shrink next week.

But, coming away from  the office and navigating traffic and collapsing at the daughters house for an hours nap…I got to reassessing a few things….

There’s a huge push to reintegrate back into the work force…be productive…be ‘better’…get busy…get going…move somewhere that will provide ‘opportunities for meaningful employment’….blah blah fucking blah.

Well, I don’t think that whole routine gels with a well being that is centred on well being! Not for me anyway! I don’t want a bar of it! And when I talked to the partner…after ripping shreds off him for being late and leaving me to wait and feel vulnerable…blah blah!!!…It turns out he was having a similar wave of thought! He had gone off, after dropping me at my appointment, to see a guy about paint.

Now here, where we live, when you go to see a guy about paint, it takes about 3 hours and involves discussion about where you all come from, the garden, the weather, the fishing, the guy down the road that fixes cars, the house that’s up for sale across the road…and finally, paint. Then you get a tin of paint from the guy and you walk home. But the partner…he sat in traffic for 15 minutes, got 2 minutes down the road and waited for the road works for another 15 minutes…rounded the corner and sat in traffic for another 10 mintes before heading off to see the guy about paint! When he got there…the guy was out! So he headed back…through all the traffic…hense being late by 20 minutes!!! The partner was surprisingly calm….but…he wanted to go home…back to the beach! He said, he couldn’t understand why everyone was in such a hurry…what was so god dam important that you had to be cutting someone off in traffic, speeding on by and tooting aggressively at everything! I have to agree! It’s no wonder there’s so many head fucked people around….im pretty sure there is no need for all that rushing about…and from what I know about adrenalin and cortisol now…its definitely not good for us!!!!

So, in a nutshell….the shrink session was abit blah…everything after was enlightening but fucked!

Shrink next week….the art of WAITING???!!!!

completed

The partner left yesterday afternoon and went in for the removal of the ‘unwanted mass’ this afternoon. According to ‘Libby’ of Ward 6, the partner is nauseous and in pain, but the surgery itself, was reasonably quick and straight forward; thanks for that Libby.

It’s been a head fucking day, but I remained positive and active…to remain positive and active pfft.

It’s a daunting thought thinking the person you’ve grown to love and hate at the same time, might not be alright…might not be around to argue with; or take the piss out of; to laugh with; to eat with;…I think that’s what ‘attachment’ is all about???? Not one of my stronger points…

I actually thought I’d be crawling the walls more than I was…possibly all the training from moving out of one place into another; lumps in the breasts; hair falling out, you know, just all that run of the mill shit…this time though, I just kind of tried to go with the flow…seemed to work. I might try more in future.

Oooohhh

And then the shrink came this afternoon, for our final session of the year – Yah … not.

But

I made a breakthrough…of sorts.

It was a really uncomfortable EMDR session…physically and mentally. I went dizzy and then numb; butterflies and headaches; sore throat and tired. And finally…bucket loads of tears that freakishly came out of nowhere…well, not out of nowhere; the bastards came from my eyes…you know what I mean…anyway…

My breakthrough came as we were doing the, ‘I am safe now’ routine…the crux of the whole fucking thing…and the panic attacks and anxiety and PTSD bullshit. The shrink asked me on the scale of 1-7; 7 being very true, how much do I believe that ‘I am safe now’ statement. I went from 6, to 6 1/2, then 6 3/4…just couldn’t quite hit the 7.

Then the tears came…

When I realised that ‘I am big now’…

I might not ever completely believe that I am 100% safe anywhere, with anyone…but ‘I am big now’, and I can deal with it!

It’s been a long day.

And I’m tired…good…sore…and tired.