tomorrow

I’m nervous.

Funny that.

Anticipation.

He’s a bitch.

1 year on …

It definitely doesn’t feel like a year since starting this particular ‘chapter’ of my awesome existence …. feels like yesterday when i was whining about not being able to get to the front gate let alone the shop without freaking out and having a meltdown of seismic proportions … ahhh the good old days.

Now, its the front seat of the car all the way to town…and back {hollah!} … and whining is usually only limited to something truly awful … like hanging out with the partner for faaarrrr to long … or having a particularly shit EMDR session … but even then … i’ve learned enough to know that if its been a rough EMDR, give it a couple weeks and there will be some kind of mindless improvement … weird, but true.

I’m still battling … and i haven’t completed figured out my reconciliation with this whole ptsd bullshit … but I am thoroughly pleased with myself (today) … and my progress (today) … and I can say that I look forward to seeing whats going to happen next 😉

yesterdays stuff: progress

The shrinks appointments aren’t as frequent as last year…think that’s called progress 😉

But we kicked off the sesh with the usual catch up, and I got to tell her I’ve dropped the ‘walking stick’; dropped the benzos; and dropped taking the pillow and blanky everywhere with me 🙂 … it’s all progress…

And that I’d done the front seat of the car and 4 shops in the neighboring town. She was pretty pleased. She can tick the boxes for ACC so they don’t cut my shit off just yet.

We also got into the, how to maintain myself during and after the dreaded panic attacks…cos they still happen, and can be hugely debilitating. While I’m not as freaked for as long and try hard to not let them put me off going places I want too…they are fucking horrible as they happen.

So we did the old EMDR on my waiting room ordeal and figured out that that same feeling translates to every other thing that sets off a panic attack. I’ve always known this really, it’s just hard to put it into words / frame it up.

When I feel trapped…which can be waiting; … I feel vulnerable … I start to feel anxious … the longer it takes to get a grip on it … the more heightened I feel … and then its over grover. I go dizzy, shaky, blurry … I can tell myself that I am alright; safe; not vulnerable etc. … but my body doesn’t give a shit about what I’m telling it … it wants OUT! Out, Out, Out … and that out feeling translates into a panic attack of seismic proportions.

The EMDR seemed to help a little a bit… but I won’t really know until I’m in that situation again…which in itself is fucked … it’s why I have avoided all situations that have produced this type of reaction … seemed pretty wise to me!

But, yes, it got so debilitating that I couldn’t go anywhere, at all. Not even to the god dam letterbox … and that is even more fucking annoying than the panic attack itself.

I get why I do this … why my body does this. But I am over it … I want to be able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I’ve become trapped by the trapped feeling. Hate that shit…

Anyway…progress. Here’s to it!!!!!

images2N1MVT92

1st sesh and shit, for 2016

I’ve had a break from the shrink and all the shrink things that go along with therapy, for about a month…Christmas, New Years stuff and all. I enjoyed Christmas and New Years in my own little, ‘coming into my own well-being’, way! I lessened the breather thingy and the use of my walking stick…I’m still rocking the headphones and music and sunglasses and small bag of tricks, for most outings. But on a whole, its been steady progress, without having to check in with the shrink.

So all I’ve been soaking up really is the goodness that is beach life…the sun, sand, birds chirping, the occasional passer-by, good food, the garden, the ocean, the sound of the ocean, bright stars at night, warm fires…beach life!

And yesterday we floated off for my first 2016 appointment with the shrink; garbed in sandals and shorts and t shirts…feeling like we had just got off the plane from the tropics…we rounded the corner, heading for the city; and got met with dark and gloomy rainclouds…not the nice kind. I tried to remain positive…whilst sitting in the front seat! Yah Me! I tried remaining, in spirit, in the sunshine, we had just come from.

Then we entered the city.

Now on any given day…PTSD day that is… the city is a head fuck. But I was prepared yesterday, I thought. But the anxiety hit me as soon as I got to the outskirts…its hard to explain….

But it kind of looks like this….

THERESPEOPLEANDWALLSANDSOUNDSANDHOUSESANDFLASHINGLIGHTSANDSPARKLYLIGHTSANDMOREWALLSANDMOREPEOPLETHERESNOROOMTOBREATHNOBIRDSNOSUNJUSTCRASHINGANDBANGINGANDNOISETHATMAKESNOSENSEANDMOREPEOPLERUSHINGANDRUNNINGANDBUSYANDBLANKANDPALEANDLOUDANDLAUGHINGATNOTHINGITSMELLSFUNNYANDTHERESNOSWEETNESSORAIRORROOM……………….ANDITJUSTDOESNTMAKESENSE……………………………………………

Yeah, that’s what it feels like!

So we get to the office and I said to the partner; who is a whole lot better by the way (and that is another post!); ‘it’ll be an hour, please be back by 11’.

The shrink did all the ‘touch base’ stuff and we didn’t do EMDR, thank fuck. 11 o’clock rolls around and we’re finished…and I’m feeling pretty ok. Until I realised the partner wasn’t there to pick me up yet. So, I had to wait in the waiting room. Now this is the first time I’ve sat in the waiting room…for reasons that make sense to me…the receptionists voice is god awful; its shrieky and shrill; the phone rings, people come through, its suffocating…blah blah.

I sat in that waiting room for 20 minutes and had myself a delightful 8.9 on the panic attack Richter scale! I tried the music and headphones and colouring in book and breathing…..and it got worse….I tried to think clearly and reasonably and it got worse!

BUT…I rode it out; I got through it; and the partner got to me eventually! I’ve definitely still got issues with waiting…and that’s something I’ll take up with the shrink next week.

But, coming away from  the office and navigating traffic and collapsing at the daughters house for an hours nap…I got to reassessing a few things….

There’s a huge push to reintegrate back into the work force…be productive…be ‘better’…get busy…get going…move somewhere that will provide ‘opportunities for meaningful employment’….blah blah fucking blah.

Well, I don’t think that whole routine gels with a well being that is centred on well being! Not for me anyway! I don’t want a bar of it! And when I talked to the partner…after ripping shreds off him for being late and leaving me to wait and feel vulnerable…blah blah!!!…It turns out he was having a similar wave of thought! He had gone off, after dropping me at my appointment, to see a guy about paint.

Now here, where we live, when you go to see a guy about paint, it takes about 3 hours and involves discussion about where you all come from, the garden, the weather, the fishing, the guy down the road that fixes cars, the house that’s up for sale across the road…and finally, paint. Then you get a tin of paint from the guy and you walk home. But the partner…he sat in traffic for 15 minutes, got 2 minutes down the road and waited for the road works for another 15 minutes…rounded the corner and sat in traffic for another 10 mintes before heading off to see the guy about paint! When he got there…the guy was out! So he headed back…through all the traffic…hense being late by 20 minutes!!! The partner was surprisingly calm….but…he wanted to go home…back to the beach! He said, he couldn’t understand why everyone was in such a hurry…what was so god dam important that you had to be cutting someone off in traffic, speeding on by and tooting aggressively at everything! I have to agree! It’s no wonder there’s so many head fucked people around….im pretty sure there is no need for all that rushing about…and from what I know about adrenalin and cortisol now…its definitely not good for us!!!!

So, in a nutshell….the shrink session was abit blah…everything after was enlightening but fucked!

Shrink next week….the art of WAITING???!!!!

why 365 reasons to smile?

Part way through ‘therapy’ last year, the shrink suggested I do a type of diary thingy, that involved documenting in a day, 3 things.

  1. What I was grateful for
  2. What I enjoyed
  3. What made me smile

Now these are my abbreviated and re-analysed ‘What I’s’…she had more technical and flouncy psychological linguistics for them…in a nutshell though…

The essence was to re train the mind to focus on the good stuff (thereby re training the emotions and the physical being as well)…that whether or not I recognised it within a day, there was good stuff.

I guess the thing with PTSD and all the other fucked up shit that goes along with it; your being becomes almost hardwired for the intense; the unpredictable; the terrifying; the hard core shit. It’s not a negative thing, as in ‘your a pessimistic person’ type thing; it’s the reality of having lived through some horrifying fucked up shit! Simple. It’s your brains; emotions; physicality; your beings, way of surviving and thriving. I would quote some bullshit psychological or primeval terminology to back up this theory…but I can’t be fucked! It is what it is…and for me, this is the truth the I’m coming to understand. This shit is different than the anxiety caused by too many people in a mall or supermarket; or intense noise that puts the nerves on edge…PTSD enhances that anxiety, for sure. But I’m beginning to see, that for me, they are separate…well have separate origins…however, they are still part of my being…who I am; what I struggle with; what I am overcoming; what I am reconciling.

So back to the shrinks thing…focussing on the ‘positive’. When she said it’d be a good idea to keep this diary thing; typical me went ‘pfft’…but I did it anyway…because…as I have said before…when you get all fucked up and have tried virtually anything to get un-fucked up…you’ll try something else as well! And what did I have to lose, its a god damn diary! It just felt a little ‘fairy’ for me lol.

So after about 3 months of trying my bestest to come up with those three points daily…and it was a primal head fuck! … it became easier.

After a while I realised that the things that I had thought were reasons to be grateful or thankful or smily or happy…were not really what I thought at all.

Turns out, theres a shit load of things that I am grateful for…that I enjoy or that make me smile…I just hadn’t noticed because I had been to busy doing the PTSD hypervigilance routine.

Soooo,…I don’t do New Years resolution per se, but I decided that this year, I would document what actually does make me smile in a day…it may be that I’m grateful or thankful or whatever, but those things always make me smile, I’ve discovered. They’re not things that other people may smile at…but they are my little slices of heaven!

So that’s why you’ll see…the 365 reasons to smile…daily, from me. They have a purpose…and that purpose is my healing and reconciliation 🙂

Love and light

completed

The partner left yesterday afternoon and went in for the removal of the ‘unwanted mass’ this afternoon. According to ‘Libby’ of Ward 6, the partner is nauseous and in pain, but the surgery itself, was reasonably quick and straight forward; thanks for that Libby.

It’s been a head fucking day, but I remained positive and active…to remain positive and active pfft.

It’s a daunting thought thinking the person you’ve grown to love and hate at the same time, might not be alright…might not be around to argue with; or take the piss out of; to laugh with; to eat with;…I think that’s what ‘attachment’ is all about???? Not one of my stronger points…

I actually thought I’d be crawling the walls more than I was…possibly all the training from moving out of one place into another; lumps in the breasts; hair falling out, you know, just all that run of the mill shit…this time though, I just kind of tried to go with the flow…seemed to work. I might try more in future.

Oooohhh

And then the shrink came this afternoon, for our final session of the year – Yah … not.

But

I made a breakthrough…of sorts.

It was a really uncomfortable EMDR session…physically and mentally. I went dizzy and then numb; butterflies and headaches; sore throat and tired. And finally…bucket loads of tears that freakishly came out of nowhere…well, not out of nowhere; the bastards came from my eyes…you know what I mean…anyway…

My breakthrough came as we were doing the, ‘I am safe now’ routine…the crux of the whole fucking thing…and the panic attacks and anxiety and PTSD bullshit. The shrink asked me on the scale of 1-7; 7 being very true, how much do I believe that ‘I am safe now’ statement. I went from 6, to 6 1/2, then 6 3/4…just couldn’t quite hit the 7.

Then the tears came…

When I realised that ‘I am big now’…

I might not ever completely believe that I am 100% safe anywhere, with anyone…but ‘I am big now’, and I can deal with it!

It’s been a long day.

And I’m tired…good…sore…and tired.

the dreaded emdr…done

I had the session of EMDR yesterday, which I must say, I prepared pretty well for. It’s taken all day today though, to recover from my well-prepared-ness!

So, the shrink moves offices every week, and this week we were in a ‘child friendly’ zone; which I thought was pretty spooky actually. Lots of books and kids toys and affirmation cards…you know, “I am special”, “I am loved”, “I am safe”, type things. Gave me chills lol.

Anyway, I breathed through the first and worst…focusing on the memory…rating it from 1 to 10 on the disturbance scale…then we were off with the finger waving thing…which is rather disorientating and hard to focus on…but I breathed, and breathed.

This time, my head hurt like fuckery…the front and sides and after a couple rounds, the back of my head. Then my face, sinuses to be more specific; then my shoulder blades. Throughout the whole thing too, I had this horrible butterflies feeling throughout my tummy and chest. I didn’t like that. After about 20 minutes, I went numb and really, really tired.

I don’t really get it all…in theory I sort of get it…we’re replicating sleep, dreaming and the processing that happens. I get too, that the body holds onto memory, or trauma, even long after the event has been and gone. But this…the finger waving, non talking, headachy shit that happens…I don’t really get it.

What I do know though, is that because I don’t get it, it’ll probably work. I have this fucked up sense of trying to make sense out of everything I come across. And I’ve probably worked myself into this state of having to ‘get it’ before I participate in it, so much so, that I don’t participate in anything. And I’ve gotten so bundled up with anxiety and fear that I’ve gotten to the point where I’ll try virtually anything just to get some relief…well I’m sure there’s some shit I wouldn’t try…

But, when we finished this session I felt like I’d been run over by a train. And we haven’t finished processing this one completely apparently. The shrinks gonna come out to me next week…It’s gonna be a busy week.

I went and hung out with my youngest daughter and moko after the shrink …that was cool. They’re both beautiful for the wairua (spirit). I tried to have a nap but that didn’t work…moko wanted to ‘chat’ ;).

So, another sesh down. ..and I survived 😉

many thoughts…the bad…

AND then I went to see the shrink – (who by the way, I called ‘the shrink’ in her office, and she was slightly offended lol…she said she isn’t a psychiatrist…to which I said, ‘so what? Shrink is easier to say than ‘the psychologist’…she got it. BTW, she is a forensic psychologist which I think is rather cool lol)….so back to the shrink…It was really hard to get in to her this time. I had about 3 size 5 panic attacks on the way there and so by the time I hit her office I was a bit of a quivering mess. But I did it! There’s that! We did the breather thingy…and talked a bit. Turns out all the things that are happening with the partner are weighing heavier on the mind and body than I thought. I’m not sleeping very well…6 hours has dropped back to 2…and I can feel my heart beating most of the time and it takes all my energy and concentration to try to relax my shoulders. So I breathed and breathed and rebooked my next appointment.

The next appointment is EMDR, – first and worst memory. Apparently they’re usually separate…but mine are one in the same. I have no recollection of some things, I only know they happen because of what has been pieced together from other people’s versions of events. I only remember one incident…I’m not sure of my age, and I’m not sure whether I’ve actually meshed about 3 incidences together as one. Either way, I have no interest anymore, in trying to ‘remember’ more. I figure if my ‘being’ could deal with it then it would remember…what I do remember is way more than enough.

Needless to say I’m not really looking forward to the next session. I said to the shrink…that I don’t mind talking about this sort of shit, I know its necessary and I’m willing…very willing…however, it’s easier to talk about what causes panic or nightmares etc and how to deal with those…that feels like I’m talking about the 2nd cousin of it, twice removed…she got it. But when we start talking or referring to the actual event…my insides start to shake and then they go numb. It frightens me.

But, I’ll do it…I have too. When my girl and me were talking, she asked me something interesting. Both girls know what happened to me; I’ve always been pretty open and up front with them. But my girl, she asks…”who helped you to understand what happened to you when you were a kid Mum?”. Sweet girl…I told her that there wasn’t anyone and that’s what I’m trying to do now. She cried for me.

Hey, to add a little bit more shit icing to the rather intense cake…on the way to the shrinks office…the partner got a phone call to say that his surgery had been booked in for the 14th…of this month. O M fucken G. It’s a good thing I think…but, but…but…

catch up…

Feels like I haven’t been here for weeks, but its only been a few days…

It’s been busy (well busy for me), blurry, painful, glorious and enlightening. Like I said the other day, learning what I have recently about the pedo cunt hasn’t been a bad thing…slightly disturbing, but not a bad thing overall.

I finally got to say it all out loud…to the shrink. Did well to hold onto it for that long without it taking up to much space in my head…thanks to blogging and breathing 😉

My appointment in town with the shrink yesterday, is the third I’ve attended. And I’m finding it’s slowly getting easier…still uncomfortable, but I’m learning to pace it all so it’s not so detrimental I end up in bed recovering for days…just a few hours now lol.

Anyways, this time I did the front seat of the car for 20 minutes and made sure I moved myself to the back before I felt too drained. Little lesson learnt from the previous trip where I thought I was super awesome and did the entire 40 minute trip and then freaked out when we got into town. (Traffic lights are one of my ‘I hate waiting’ places). But I did this one…and actually enjoyed what I did…and that’s where I’m trying to leave these ‘experiences’…on a pleasant note!

So back to the shrink. We did a recap and 15-20 minutes of that bio feedback breathing thing…and that’s seems to be improving too. I can get out of the red a bit quicker, and stay in the blue/green a bit longer…Yuss! So during all this, I recounted the fucked up shit I’d found out. She was disturbed which made my disturbance not seem so bad. She’s feeling the sadist theory but of course is more focussed on how it all affects me and how I’ll process it. So next week it’s back to the EMDR for another round of finger waving.

So my achievements…which is what I’m trying to focus on here…are that I did the front seat of the car…and enjoyed what I did…I made it to the shrink appointment, in better condition than the other sessions…I got to see my daughters and my mokos; I got cuddles and kisses and read stories and loved every little minute of that…recovery time was about 8 hours instead of 48 hours…I didn’t freak out too much when the partner got side tracked with other stuff and interrupted my schedule…I remembered to breath…

Love and light to me

emdr eureka

Well, I’ve been a bit sceptical of the whole EMDR thing, but I’m pretty much down for giving anything a try…which I’ve been doing.

The shrink reckons that the ‘changes’ will be subtle and barely noticed at first…’Oh okay’…is what I’m thinking…

But I roll with it….because…well because what other fucking options do I have?

Now I’m usually pretty aware of the cognitive changes that I have…and aware when my physical being is slightly ‘tweaked out’…and I know when there’s been a ‘shift’ in my spirit or soul…we say ‘wairua’.

I have always had difficulty ‘feeling’ any of these states of changes…but I’ve always been mentally aware of them. Disassociation I guess, is what has inhibited those ‘awareness-es’ in their entirety. However, a wise lady once told me that ‘we’…our holistic beings…deal with certain things, as they should be dealt with…in their own time. That there is no right or wrong as such…there is no stuck or stopped unless we chose that.

So any and all progress that my being has made…is all in its good time I spose.

Anyway…after that long thought…

I woke up this morning thinking I was tired…because I’m always tired; well to varying degrees anyway. I stumbled off to make coffee and do the usual blah de blah routine.

A couple hours later…eureka!

I realised with a quick finger count/calculation…that I had slept 6 hours! Yes that’s right – 6 god dam hours!

I haven’t really been paying attention…I was trying trying trying to cut down on the Zopiclone…as I have been doing for aaagggeees…and high fived myself at making it to 1/4 zoppy. But then kinda funked out when I couldn’t get below that.

Then somewhere in the last few weeks I decided to ‘give up’ and just roll with it, and I haven’t been to bed before 2am most nights.

BUT…I hadn’t been counting the hours that I actually slept. SO…for the last week or two, while I’ve been going to bed at 2 am ish…I’ve also been sleeping 6 solid hours before waking up!!! I don’t think I’ve ever consistently slept that long before, ever…and on only 1/4 zoppy.

So…I think it’s slowly working. I still don’t think its all on the EMDR, but I do think it’s collaboratively working.

I think I can live with 6 hours sleep a night!

Now to eliminate the zoppy altogether!! Ahhhh…now that makes me nervous…but pretty sure this last bit is just mind over matter…

Rock on with my bad self 😉