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my sister & 2016.

so, no throwbacks here … which means i’m gonna have to remember 2016. even though its like only a couple years ago, nothing jumps out at me, screaming ‘that was what 2016 was all about’ … which means my memory is even more frizzed than i thought OR i’m like way better and shit and really couldn’t give 2 fucks about what was happening in 2016; which suggests i have no great trauma which i am slowly overcoming and rewriting and therefore, i am the shit ;)

fucken hell lol.

i’m rolling with the latter.

however, as i ponder a little more … my sisters death is about the only thing that really busts out and busts me in the jaw.

besides the obvious loss factor, i think it did a number on me (not a trauma, just a grief thang) because i ‘felt’ emotion: grief. and i let that bitch ride.

i remember me and my girls going down to the beach on the day of her tangi in australia … and it was pissing down with rain here and freezing as fuck … my kinda day ;) … and we went down with a balloon and a note for her … and in hindsight, i’m not sure why they fuck we did that – think we had seen or heard of it being done like that, but as a wake not a tangi … but any who …

there we are in the freezing cold, bare feet in the sound. the balloon kinda burst and deflated and the notes got wet in the rain, and we all stood there like a bunch of idiots looking at each other wondering what to do …

i ended up saying the only karakia (prayer) i knew off by heart, and pretty much part the way through i couldn’t breath and felt a big knot in my tummy and then my nose started bleeding.

and we cried.

i haven’t really had that sensation since then, but every year i remember in Día de Los Muertos style, along with the other family that have departed this plain. and i hold onto the fact that she can hear me and knows i love her.

after her death the ‘father intrusion’ started … yes thats right, remembering that now. and that shits dragged on till 2018 but has hopefully been put to rest now.

i sorta remember having a lot of issues with ACC, which are still unresolved. oh, and yes, i finished with the psychologist that year and was doing pretty well till bear the end of that year … and in hindsight, the father issues coincided with the increase in anxiety.

fuck thats right.

oh well, i survived, and lived to blog about it lol.

and fyi … its not so easy recapping events of a year waaaayyyy after the fact. my memory definitely aint what it used to be.

anyway, enough of that and enough of 2016.


 

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a ptsd day

taken

over-power

violate.

.

move

respond

frozen.

.

chill

fear

ancient.

.

short

sharp

hard.

.

blunt

cut

don’t.

.

can’t

feel

hurt.

.

ache

abnormal

kill.

.

run

scream

sunshine.

.

wake

shatter

red.

.

hate

scorn

smile.

.

fake

push

pick.

.

heavy

lurch

find.

.

set

cloud

heat.

.

power

wield

run.

.

fight

fight

fight

.


#throwback Sep 29, 2015 @ 21:14


kpm©


 

numbing.dissociative.retard.

thats me.

and now i’m fucking paying for it.


photography & art @kpm-artist 


 

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unfucking thyself 101.95

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

95.

Another … WTF is that moment lol …

It’s part of a new painting … just a part … a macro of a part … hows that for fucking with yah … and the mindfulness thingy … well … that came out of a conversation i had with my youngest girl recently … whose on the verge of ‘falling in love’ again, or so she reckons lol.

She had asked Me, Yes Me, was there a right way to let go of love.

Gulp.

I much preferred it when she asked simple questions like ‘who was in NZ first’, or ‘how the fuck are you supposed to shove that up there … (referring to a tampon)’ … LOL.

But feelings … emotions … the dirty L word … ewww … I am a No-Go when it comes to that shizz.

But not one to pussy out … *eye ball roll* … I told her I’d have a think and get back to her … *another eye ball roll*

So I thought about it.

I thought about all those that I had fucked.

The one person I could say I had ever made consensual ‘love’ too.

All those that I had shut out.

All those that had pledged devotion and I promptly shat upon.

All those that I had wanted but hadn’t wanted Me.

All those that I had used.

All those that had used Me.

All those I’d come close to loving but was too fucking scared too say so.

‘Twas a sobering recollection. Groan …

And then I messaged her back and advised her of the following, with, of course, a *note to daughter* attached which said:

“I have absolutely No idea how to do love except where you girls are concerned; which leads me to believe there is No right or wrong way to do it or to let it go.”

And thusly – I advised her to fall in love as much as she could  … as deeply as she could … for as long as she could … enjoying every little bit of it for what it was in that moment … and then when she’d had enough … to let it go just as readily as she had picked it up. That life was to short to regret not looking, loving, enjoying and moving on.

What does all that have to do with the photograph?

Sometimes we don’t take notice of, let alone enjoy, the macro view cos we’re to focussed on wanting to see the bigger picture … what it ‘might be’, potential and all that bullshit … instead of just enjoying the view you have for the time you have it <3

I love my girl.

<3

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reconciling the hormones #45

#TodaysFeels

#NoFurtherExplanationNecessary

#meme is of a close up photograph of a cat hissing.

The caption reads:

Menopause. It’s a thin line between love and homocide.

reconciling the hormones #43

Alright, all jokes aside …

This is like one of those rollercoasters (which I have avoided for most of my life!) that just won’t quit!

It’s like 1,000 shades of emotion all in the space of an hour … with 5  minutes rest .. and then right back to the beginning again!!

Fuuuuck!

reconciling the hormones #21

todays recipe:

random fits of crying followed by a large slathering of rage followed even closer by a few pinches of punctuated home truths …

and you got yo’self some serious waves of menopause …

i’mma riding this bitch …