so, no throwbacks here … which means i’m gonna have to remember 2016. even though its like only a couple years ago, nothing jumps out at me, screaming ‘that was what 2016 was all about’ … which means my memory is even more frizzed than i thought OR i’m like way better and shit and really couldn’t give 2 fucks about what was happening in 2016; which suggests i have no great trauma which i am slowly overcoming and rewriting and therefore, i am the shit ;)
fucken hell lol.
i’m rolling with the latter.
however, as i ponder a little more … my sisters death is about the only thing that really busts out and busts me in the jaw.
besides the obvious loss factor, i think it did a number on me (not a trauma, just a grief thang) because i ‘felt’ emotion: grief. and i let that bitch ride.
i remember me and my girls going down to the beach on the day of her tangi in australia … and it was pissing down with rain here and freezing as fuck … my kinda day ;) … and we went down with a balloon and a note for her … and in hindsight, i’m not sure why they fuck we did that – think we had seen or heard of it being done like that, but as a wake not a tangi … but any who …
there we are in the freezing cold, bare feet in the sound. the balloon kinda burst and deflated and the notes got wet in the rain, and we all stood there like a bunch of idiots looking at each other wondering what to do …
i ended up saying the only karakia (prayer) i knew off by heart, and pretty much part the way through i couldn’t breath and felt a big knot in my tummy and then my nose started bleeding.
and we cried.
i haven’t really had that sensation since then, but every year i remember in Día de Los Muertos style, along with the other family that have departed this plain. and i hold onto the fact that she can hear me and knows i love her.
after her death the ‘father intrusion’ started … yes thats right, remembering that now. and that shits dragged on till 2018 but has hopefully been put to rest now.
i sorta remember having a lot of issues with ACC, which are still unresolved. oh, and yes, i finished with the psychologist that year and was doing pretty well till bear the end of that year … and in hindsight, the father issues coincided with the increase in anxiety.
fuck thats right.
oh well, i survived, and lived to blog about it lol.
and fyi … its not so easy recapping events of a year waaaayyyy after the fact. my memory definitely aint what it used to be.
anyway, enough of that and enough of 2016.