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so was it all that i expected?

yup.

& more.


kpm ©


 

expectations are a bitch.

 

As much as I hate to admit it, I had a moment today, just a slight glimpse…into the unrealisticness of my expectations. And it grieves me to know that as realistic as I thought I was…I am not.

I think somewhere in my little world, I’ve had this view…hope…expectation…that someday, somewhere…when I had done enough…was good enough…had got better enough…had succeeded enough…when everything was calm enough…

That I’d be alright. That I’d be content and happy…when everything else is settled and in order.

And I’ve spent a long time trying to order my life…get all my fluffy ducks in a little ultra organised row.

Well…I think I have been mistaken. And I really really don’t like to admit it…because its a cold day in hell when I am wrong ;)

I think I’m beginning to understand what those tree huggers are getting at when they talk about ‘grounding’. It all sounded to airy fairy for me…and it still is…I think their language choice bites. But I think their version of ‘grounding’, reinterpreted, is about being OK with yourself…right now. Not waiting for the story to get better…not waiting till the stars and universes align…but right now.

That I am, OK right now. Shitty and angry…is OK. Its real and its me…at the moment. Sad and stressed…is OK…its real and its me…sometimes. Nervous and anxious…well that’s real and slightly imagined (blame ptsd for that atm)…but its real, and its me…right now and sometimes.

All of it…is all right.

It’s when I start trying to fuck with it and make it all clean and tidy and prettied up; or make excuses or give reasons for it, that I get into strife.

There is no happy ever after…theres just the here and now…and I’m OK here and now…as I have always been whenever and wherever I am.

I am who I am.


kpm ©


 

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am I autistic then?

I had an interesting conversation with my partner yesterday. I was about to go for a walk…always a bit of a build up for that…and I was feeling abit anxious on it. So I diverted to another topic…our neighbour.

We’ve got bloody good neighbours. Small town and everyone’s kind of either up in each others business via the community grapevine; or they never leave their houses…or so I’ve been told, via the community grapevine. My kind of peoples :)

Anyway, conversation started with me asking him why my ‘encounters’ with our neighbour seem…well…awkward.

Me – “It feels like they want something else”

Him – “They do. They’re trying to be friendly…get to know you”

Me – “Why?”

Him – “Because that’s what neighbours do”

Me – “Why?”

Him – “They’re trying to be nice…socialise…as neighbours”

Me – “Why?”

Him – “Because if they get to know you better they’ll have more to talk about next time”

Me – “Why do we need to talk about anything? I don’t get it”

Him – he sits down at this point. And I have to give him props…he’s definitely come along way since our early days, when he used to just bark at me and tell me I was being a snobby obnoxious bitch. “Because dear, that’s what people do. They talk to one another, they get to know one another, they relate to each other. Then they have more in common and more to talk about next time”

Me – “Huh? I get that…but I don’t get why? We’re neighbours, which means we reside next door to one another. We’re not friends. We wave, that’s polite. We say good morning, that’s polite. But the rest of it seems…like fake bullshit”

Him – “It is sort of. But if we go away, or if the power goes off, or if there’s a flood or something…guess whose going to check on us?”

Me – “Ohhh, Ok. Isn’t that just using them though?”

Him – “That’s why we build that relationship with them. So we have an unspoken understanding”

Me – “So why don’t they just say that then? Why don’t we just say that?”

Him – “I think it’s just the unwritten rules of being social. And that’d be an awkward conversation don’t you think?”

Me – “Mmmmm. Not really. At least we’d know where each other is coming from”

Him – “Your very blunt my darling. But not everyone else is like you. I think you scare them a little. But that’s alright. Youre just being yourself”

Me – “Oh. I still don’t really get it. But Ok. How about you do the socialising then and I’ll just lurk in the background”

Him – “I do already”

Me – “So…Do you think I’m autistic then?”

Him – “I don’t think so. Your definitely one of kind though”

Me – “Thanks dear”


kpm©