I’ve been thinking about doing this photography series for a while … and was not sure how to ‘explain it’ … and there it was … the need to explain.
Westernised society, has this fucked up need to explain everything … with words … backed up with documented proof.
Google it. I’m not wrong.
Indigenous societies, felt no such ‘need’. They relied on instinct, intuition, oral histories, their ancestors. All that is ‘seen’ and ‘unseen’.
Google that. I’m not wrong.
As my PTS(D) journey has gone along, and I feel as if I’m ‘healing’ (*makes vomit face*) … another train of thought has come up.
…… I’m over explaining or trying to express things with words.
Words are good. I’m good at words.
But there’s some things that cannot be expressed with words.
They are the things deep down … the screams … the pictures … the indignation … the fear …
I’m an artist.
Always have been.
I’m the kid that got picked last for the baseball team, because I didn’t like the grass, the ball, the interaction, the sweat.
But I was also the kid that could tell you (if anyone had ever cared to ask); what happened to ‘that girl’ over there last night … what was going on at home that she didn’t tell anyone about.
I could see it, feel it … on her. I could see it in her body shift and shrinking motions. I could see it in her darkening eyes. I could feel it in her demeanour.
There are no real words for that.
And whatever that is; that ability to ‘see’ what isn’t expressed through words; has haunted me forever.
I stopped looking at people’s eyes; or taking notice of how they moved.
What I haven’t understood until recently though, is that is who I am. It is what makes me ME.
While the ‘experts’ say it’s all PTS(D); there has never really been a ‘prior too’ PTS(D). It has always been ‘me and ptsd’. It is my norm. And while I’m down for overcoming being an anxious fuck … some of what I am, how I am … is what it is … it is just me.
Does that make ‘others’ feel uncomfortable?
But where were they when I was ‘experiencing’ trauma? Where were those ‘others’ when I was ‘uncomfortable’?
Thats right … Not Present!
This next lot of photographs are my expression of an explanation; a reason; a thought; an anger; an empowerment; a laugh; a tear … all relating to Me and PTS(D).
Welcome to the next part of my hikoi (1. (verb) to step, stride, march, walk.)