ignorant ass; smile

based on a true story: #throwback  Jan 7, 2016 @ 16:51


me, was in front

she, behind

me, brown

she, white

me, eyes hazel

she, eyes blue

me, female

she, female

me, well spoken

she, was too

me, polite

she, not so much

me, had credit card

she, not so much

me, lotsa tattoos

she, not at all

me, smile

she, not

 

“Can I help you ma’am?”

 

me, yes I was looking…

she, not noticing

 

“Not you; the lady behind you….”

 

me, oh okay

she, really?

 

“Ahhh, this lady was here before you…please wait to the side”

 

me, ahhh

she, no she was

me, yes I was

she, ahhh

 

“Well, you’ll have to wait till I’ve served this lady”

 

she, that’s my daughter

she, she was ahead of me

she, is it because shes brown?

she, is it the tattoos?

she, is it possibly because you are an ignorant racist?

 

me, smile


 

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a quick catchup / update

So, it’s been a cunty few weeks. Not an entire cunt, as in a bad cunt … just a generalised cunty – Yes. There is a difference. Your welcome.

I’m not even sure when I last updated and what that update was actually about. It would seem like an obvious thing … ‘check your last post dick’ – but I’ve also been re-doing my photos and making more room, so I’ve kinda got lost on what is a post; whats a repost; whats a read to catchup; whats a fucking whimsical moment of ‘ohhh, look how far I’ve come’ … and now I’m here trying to do an update … Geezus.

Anywho … where was I: thats right … Updates.

The big highlight … I went to moko 1’s talent quest competition thingee. Yup big deal for Me. Even though I’ve been practicing with the outing thing and using my ear plugs regularly, I still get nervous about going out. Especially into crowds. But moko had rung and asked Me to come and watch him play the drums and I knew I needed to go.

I did all my usual things … and took more drugs than I probably needed, but I was feeling particularly ‘sicky’ anxiety-ridden .. yah know: where you feel like hurling and / or passing out but it doesn’t quite happen … yeah well thats what it felt like a few days before I went and on the day of.

BUT … I went. Moko was absolutely awesome. Like amazingly so … he plays the drums like an adult whose practiced for 20 odd years. And as for mokos talent quest- he won! I was super super proud of him and apparently was the loudest and telling him how awesome he was!!! And I was extremely pleased I went!

Then we’ve had birthday madness, which has been tiringly cool … *is there such a thing? … apparently there is now* … and we’re only part way through our birthday bashes. Theres another couple to go and the birth of moko 6 is pending ;)

I’m officially the mother of a 30 year old now ;) I am so proud of my girl … she’s due to give birth and she’s looking tired but so beautiful at the same time. She’s an amazing person … strong, thoughtful, forthright … and one hell of a mama <3

We had her birthday out here, which was a challenge but one I actually enjoyed. We had the mokos for a few days after and that was another huge challenge for Me but one I managed and ended up thoroughly enjoying!

~

Digress and Note:

I had a slight epiphany thingee about a week or so before my girls birthday. We were discussing having the mokos so she could have a bit of a rest which led Me to feeling as sick as fuck and as nervous as fuck … thusly realising even more so than normal, that the 2 seem to go hand in hand for Me. In amongst that bullshit I again, duly noted this-ly:

Whether the mokos come or not … whether I go for a walk or not … whether theres a birthday here or not … whether I go into a crowded space or not … I May or May Not be Ok.

Another words … If I am waiting to Be Alright, it might never happen.

As morbid and defeatist as that sorta sounds, it was in all actuality, one of ‘those’ moments.

So I said Yes to the birthday. I said Yes to the mokos. And I was tired. I did have dizzy spells and I did need to freak out and do my breathing thingees and even take an anti-anxiety med.

Were the mokos bothered? Nope.

Was the birthday ruined? Nope.

Were there a few awkward moments whilst they asked what was happening to Me? For fucking Sure! But I can deal with awkward moments ;)

~

So, just before the birthday, we heard from our landlord and they’ve decided to put off the selling of their house till the end of the year. Whew we thought. Then another house came up around this area and we thought we might be in luck.

Somewhere in that process my gutt was doing somersaults and this time I listened.

Turns out the land agent for that house increased the rent and the price she had told us it would be, wasn’t the Real price. Dodgy bitch alright … so we declined. We’re still feeling a little nervous about our housing options out here, but surprisingly its my partner that is more nervous than Me. Now thats a first!!!

So fingers crossed it works out!

Pending: Like I said we have 2 more birthdays and the birth of moko 6 coming up.

Moko 5s 1st birthday is going to be held at my in-laws.

Yep. Deep deep breathe.

In the great scheme of things, you think this wouldn’t be such  a big worry … however … I haven’t been to the in-laws for like, 5 or 6 years.

Theres a reason for that … well a few actually … suffice to say; they do my head and nerves in.

I’ve been wrestling with myself about even going … but have decided I’d be a complete dick if I didn’t … so over the next couple weeks I’m going to get my ‘resource kit’ together and put a time frame in place for the day. It’s a shame really … cos it’s taking away from  mokos special day … not that they’ll notice … but for my own sanity I’m really gonna have to dig deep!

oh ….

The painting has been going good and I’ve nearly finished all 13 pieces for the exhibition. And No, I’m not ready for that eeek … but I’m not thinking about that until October. I’ve got it scheduled in lol.

I’m half way through my goals that I set at the beginning of the year, so pretty stoked with that … still haven’t gone in to the art classes but not too worried about that one … the camp at the beginning of the year was the biggie for Me :)

Anywho … thats about it for now … theres a couple separate updates and shoutouts I wanna do. So for now … Love and Light and all that shit, from Me at My Beach ;)


photography & art @kpm-artist 


 

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photography .82

#197

from pts(d) expression series #197 – May 4, 2017 @ 08:02

#photography #photoblog #photograph #familia #family_time #food #love #photographer #kpm©


For more photography and art go to @kpm-artist 


 

The go to guy …

He found it,
The ‘go to guy’
He found his balls

They was hiding
In his tight tighty whiteys

But he freedomised them
Changed up his panty size
And kicked some family ass

Hollah!


#throwback Jan 16, 2016 @ 01:50


 

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blurred vision ~ ILLy SpiLLaz

Blurred Vision ~ ILLy SpiLLaz,

Uploaded on May 28, 2008

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once upon a fucking time

from pts(d) expression series #154 – Mar 22, 2017 @ 08:01

once upon a fucking time.

yep.

once upon that motherfucking time.

I thought the grass was

green.

and the fucking sky was

blue.

I thought growing up.

meant growing better.

I thought being better meant.

being safer.

I thought, once upon a fucking time.

that when I got there,

and the grass was actually

gold.

and the sky was actually

silver.

all the little motherfucking things.

that little people have to do.

wouldn’t be any fucking more.

but as it turns out.

the grass isn’t green, or gold.

its burnt fucking amber.

the sky isn’t fucking blue, or silver.

its blood red.

and big people are full

of shit.

cos they knew it was

like that all along.

and pretended that it wasn’t.

they, you see.

wear rose tinted fucking glasses.

and didn’t want to say that

the glass isn’t just fucking half empty.

is fully fucking cracked.


#throwback Jun 14, 2017 @ 08:00


 

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what was: 1981

#throwback Jun 10, 2015 @ 18:51.

And again, this whole write feels really detached and aloof. I guess when writing about your own shizz and sometimes the more painful shizz; aloof is the only way too go.

Recently I was talking to my Mama about this time in our lives. She recalled things I didn’t. The maemae (sore) that arose, that I still don’t remember, was Me waiting for my father to pick Me up.

I’d had sporadic contact with him and was still ‘hopeful’ that he had actually missed Me all these years and wanted to get to know Me. I guess thats young, naive hopefulness.

Apparently I waited by our letterbox, sitting on my little suitcase, for hours for the father of the year to come and pick Me up. He never arrived. There was no explanation. No apology. No nothing. Which pretty much sums up the relationship there ‘wasn’t’ with him.

Fuckwit fathers leave big holes in their daughters hearts when they can’t be anything but cunty.

I continued to wait for a semi – decent relationship with my father … for years. It’s only been recently that I’ve finally cut all ties with him.

My choice.

My maemae … and my way of dealing with it.

I realise now, he doesn’t deserve a relationship with Me. I’m one badass motherfucker who has strength, attitude, resilience and love abounding. Why waste any of that on someone who does not give a shit about Me.


I remember some of these…

This was the 2nd to last year of primary school. I remember Miss Saunders…her skirts were always way to short for someone who bent over in front small boys all day!

I think we moved houses around this time, and I went to a different school for awhile. Different kids. Different scene. The street we lived on was ‘the other side of the tracks’ type place. Not that we lived anywhere flash before hand … think we were in a flat at the back of a church for awhile after the big ass house burnt down. But this new place, was good … just different.

I don’t remember having friends as such…like ones that I really enjoyed. There was this one girl that just came with the church scene and I couldn’t get rid of her. She was an evil little bitch! She hung around and tormented the shit out of me for years…mutt…I’m working through letting the rage associated with her and her kind go … whew.

I was the little lead swan, in Swan Lake, somewhere around this time … that was cool :) I had a cute little white tutu and all …

I remember having my mouth washed out with soap for saying “shit” lol … I don’t think it worked long term but it certainly did the trick for the short term ;)

We had a goat. It ate everything … literally everything … cos that’s what goats do I suppose. I wonder what happened to him??

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updates and tooting my own horn again …

This has taken a couple days to actually put together … not because it’s so detailed and in-depth and required tonnes and tonnes of amazing research …

No, it’s just taken ages to post cos whilst I am unbelievably awesome lol I also did my shizz in and am still recovering hah!

So, spur of the moment (which a. I don’t do and b. I don’t do ever …) I decided to go to my moko’s school assembly. I had been pondering on for a couple days and on the morning of, I announced to the partner I would be going.

He looked freaked out and rather stunned but to his credit, rolled with it.

What made Me decide to do such an out left field thing for Me? Because more and more I am beginning to realise that we only have ONE life and it has an expiry date. Whilst I know I need to do things at My pace and how it works for Me (and thats taking practice), there are certain times that I know it’s just fear that’s stopping Me. Not just the run of mill pts(d) fear, but the fear of the fear of the run of the mill pts(d) fear. And it’s those times that I’m trying my fucking hardest to conquer.

Friday was one of those days.

So I got my shit together and got in the car and we went.

I was nervous but reasonably prepared. And btw, I was planning on wearing shoes but decided last minute that shoes just make Me feel more claustrophobic so I was better off without them! So I rolled with that.

Last time I went to mokos school assembly I was more nervous (couple years ago now ..) and hadn’t really learned about my sensory freak outs, so this time I was better prepared.

I took the drugs. Just cos. It’s way harder without them and at the moment it’s all about desensitising my shizz and the drugs help with that.

I also had the earplugs! And thank fuck for the earplugs! They did the business alright. It took out a whole sensory element and I was able to just focus on smell and sight fuckery … oh and balance lol.

But I did it! I stood throughout the assembly cos for some reason, sitting on small awkwardly arranged chairs, crammed up next to a smelly somebody I don’t know, is not my idea of relaxing. So I stood right by the back door way and I managed to take photos.

The only fuck up … which was epic really … and I wouldn’t really call it a fuck up … but it certainly called unnecessary attention to myself …

When one is wearing earplugs, one can’t hear whats happening around you, which is awesome: one can also not tell how loud one is speaking. Sooooo, when I said “get out of the way dick” in what I thought was a quiet voice … turns out it was loud enough for my moko to hear at the other end of the hall.

So yeah … be warned … if you wear earplugs, you speak louder than you think your speaking. Lol.

Anyways … I had a great time watching the moko … I’m so proud of him :)

Afterwards, I went and hung out with my youngest daughter at her new home and caught up with moko #5 … that was cool :)

And then we all had dinner back at my other daughters house. It was so cool … I felt … calm … happy … included ;)

Moko #2 made Me this:

…which made my night.

I came home feeling full and happy and warm xo

And … it’s taken 2 days to recover lol.

But it was worth it!

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sooo … I be slowing down a little bit …

 


It’s blogging suicide really, but oh well …

So, just a heads up lovely peoples …

I’m gonna take a week off’ve the blog next week so I can remedy my ‘storage’ solution. I am just about at my limit re space and because I refuse to pay for anything that I can potentially get for nothing … yes, thats right … I’m going to follow the advice of a blogging acquaintance and get that shit sorted ‘quick and dirty’ style lol.

And all it will cost Me is some patience … hmmm lol.

Also, June, July and August are notoriously busy months for Us … June has about 10 family birthdays, July a couple and August has about 4. The change this year of course, is the arrival of Moko 6 in August … Yah.

This year I’ve been trying to do what is in my best interests – within my boundaries – within my ‘lets not lose my shit’ sphere. I started off the year with a small list of goals and so far I’m doing alright and have even managed to do stuff not on my hit list ;) so I’m feeling pretty good about that.

However, my inclination, when shit is going well, is to then go completely OTT and fuck myself over.

This year … I’m working on Not doing that.

So after my week of sorting out storage issues, the following 3 months will be slightly sporadic.

Now I’m not very good at sporadic so this should be interesting.

I’m making No promises about how many posts I’ll do per day (yes, even the ones that I do do every day eeekkk), or even per week. I will catch up and blow my own trumpet every now and then when I think I’ve done something amazing or one of my mokos has done something amazing lol.

I’ll be around … just Not consistently around … eeekkkk again.

So, love and light to you all …

.

.

*buckling up for the next 3 month ride … yee hah lol*

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unfucking thyself 101.102

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

102.

Ummm … what is this?

This, my furry little friends, is what happens when Miss Moko (grandchild) 4 (who is 3) asks … “do you wanna nail pool-lesh?” … of course, We say … “oh yes, that would be lovely” … lol.

So yes, as you may have guessed, I had the bestest weekend with our little darling.

Kids just seem to make everything alright. They so innocent … and so pure and good natured … they just are what they are … I love listening to Moko 4 laugh and giggle and I love watching her find the smallest thing absolutely fascinating.

Kids are perfect. They’re good for the soul.

My heart is full and warm <3