yesterdays fuckery and todays recovery

When they happen they happen viciously. Of course there’s the build-up  that can be managed a lot of the time. But then there’s the seemingly out-of-no-where bitches, that leave you gasping for breath and pretty much floored for the rest of the day.

I had one of those bastards yesterday.

Oh … Panic attack, is what I’m referring too. A good old pts(d), kick you in the vag and leave you winded, panic attack.

And what bought this one on?

Maybe a week or twos worth of ‘unknown’ anxieties?

Maybe the weather?

Maybe being tired?

Fuck Knows!

What triggered the hair raiser though?

A digger being moved up the neighbours driveway ffs!

I’m pretty attuned to the noises around Me, and I’ve spoken about my super sensitive spidey hearing and sense of smell before … which btw seems to go into ultra super sensitive mode whilst in panic mode. I know … awesome alright!

So what does that mean?

It means everything becomes incredibly loud and extremely pitchy (imagine finger nails on a chalk board type pitchy). Then comes the sensitivity to movement and then my eyes start squinting and doing weird criss-crossy things … oh, and throw in an accelerated heart rate, sweaty palms, pits and other bits, and you have yourself a good old-fashioned panic fuck.

The digger doing its thing next door was a surprise attack (literally) which meant I was not prepared. I scrambled for my ear phones and music and couldn’t get it all fast enough … I scoffed a half a tab but it was too late. I ended up doing what I havent done in a while, which is dropping tabs till I feel ok, forgetting that they don’t work like a shot of tequila! Not Cool!

I was in tears within 15 minutes.

It was at this point I realised something pertinent … for Me anyways.

I realised that I was scared.

Not a little ‘fearful’; or over excited from the noises … No. I was, hide-under-the-bed, kiddy-type, scared shitless … and I couldn’t shake it. No amount of self soothing music of self talk was working. And the drugs weren’t kicking in fast enough.

Just as well .. (in hindsight) in realising that I was scared as opposed to the adult version aka ‘panicked’ … I knew what to do … because I had done it for my mokos.

I grabbed my fluffy pillow and howled like a scared child, into that pillow, for about 10 minutes!!! It was fucking exhausting!!

But it took the edge off …

Then I made Me a cup of tea and was able to gather my senses after that. The twats next door didn’t stop – but as the anxiety gods would have it, their digger broke down! Hah!

I rang my mama later and told her my sordid tale and she came and had a cuppa with Me … which was lovely … and distracting 🙂

Today the digger twats started up again and I got my partner to stay home with Me. I’ve been fucked most of the day and am only just coming right. We figured out the vibration of the digger isn’t so bad when I’m outside … and I watched them doing some of their shizz so I could get a visual of what the haps were. It all helped.

Tonight we’re going ‘out’ for dinner … down to our Beach ❤

And then it’s an early night for Me.

I hate panic attacks and I hate feeling scared but I’m kind of pleased I had this one though. Because, now I know it’s ‘fear’: and that requires a cuddle and chocolate … not freaking meditation 😉

Fears a bitch. But fear is also god dam Normal ❤


366 reasons to smile ~ +336.

+336. This reminds Me of my beautiful daughters with their kids. Poor mamas lol, they do such a brilliant job 🙂


A cartoon picture of Rafiki, from the Lion King movies; in the lotus position with his eyes closed; meditating. The caption reads:

When your kids are losing their minds and you gotta connect with Jesus so you don’t do anything stupid.


can’t help falling in love ~ ub40

Can’t Help Falling In Love ~ UB40, 1993


366 reasons to smile ~ +320.

+320. Yup 🙂


Just because I can’t sing, doesn’t mean I won’t sing.



366 reasons to smile ~ +319.

+319. Yup . . some of us learn the hard way … but at least we learn 😉


“I’m done. I’m sick of his shit”

Narrator: She was, in fact, not done and went on to tolerate his shit a further 7900000 times.



exhibition art ~ hine-nui-te-pō



#exhibition #piece #abstract #art #painting #loose #canvas #acrylic #mixed #media #collage #whare #maori #colonisation #response #words #dark #resistanceart #@kpmartistactivist










i am woman ~ helen reddy

I Am Woman ~ Helen Reddy, 1971

same sex marriage

thought about writing something long winded,

yah know, condemning the haters

tryna educate the religiously deluded:

a small speech on freedoms and privileges

that aren’t exclusively owned by


but then i got tired.

i got a big ass headache.

i felt the weight of their ig’nance

muddying up my waters.

i scrolled on,

and left them to their prayers for




gender nonconformists …



we don’t need your permission

or prayers

to love

who we love.


366 reasons to smile ~ +307.

+307. Lol!

Dictation ~ Meme reads:

1. Going to bed early.

2. Not leaving my house.

3. Not going to a party.

My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.





366 reasons to smile ~ +303.

+303. 😉 Ha ha.