father and ACC

So, do you want the good news or the bad news first …

…. dunno why we say that … theres just news really, neither good nor bad … any who …

So?

Ok, bad it is …

Apparently; according to a rather untimely snail mail letter today, from the almighty ACC … I am up for yet another assessment.

Why you ask?

Well, apparently, again, the last assessment was a pre-assessment assessment. Didn’t know they existed did yah … well, apparently, they do!

…. but do you realise how long it took Me to get ready for the last assessment which y’all said was all I needed to do … and do you realise how long it took to get over the last assessment which y’all said was I all I needed to do?

Thats right … fucking ages!

But since I’ve been waiting, like, 5 or so years for that pre-assessment assessment and then another 6 months for those results … only to be told the assessment that I thought was what i was waiting for all this time is actually only the pre-assessment assessment and that assessment is pending … I could be in for another 5 year wait???

No. Of course not … *she says ultra sarcastically so she neither cries or laughs hysterically at the absurdity of the whole fucking thing … cos all this time, she’s still the one sitting on a cool $35 smack-a-roos a week … yes, thats right … the sum total of … *

Ahhhhhh     …. deep breaths …. deep breaths …

So, onto the good news …

Sure thing …

I spoke with my father.

He apologised … for not listening; for being a shit father; for not ever ever being around; for going on about shit I don’t give a fuck about; for not listening; for not getting to know Me; for not visiting; for not ever ringing; for not listening; …. for barging his way into my life … full of grief and anxiety … and expecting Me to be my sisters replacement … for taking Me for granted … oh … and for not listening!

He finally told Me about his life … his actual life … he answered my questions … and gave Me real answers. He talked about my sister … who she was to him … what she was like … as a person … as a mother. He finally talked about his regrets and his hopes … his failures and his wins … the real ones.

And he finally, finally, asked Me about Me.

So, there we have it … the ups and the downs … the good and the bad … for today.

Now I can sleep … hopefully … because as much as I thought I had kicked insomnias ass … I haven’t been to sleep before 2.30am and slept more than a few hours, for a couple weeks now … and I’m exhausted.

I’ll be fucked if I know how I survived on 3-4 hours sleep for the past 35+ years … oh, thats right … I didn’t.

Link

mauri of me #18 ~ the land

From https://envirowatchrangitikei.wordpress.com:

“NZ has a rocket base that’s received $25 million Govt funding & is financially supported by the world’s largest weapons trader, Lockheed Martin”

In other posts, I’ve recently touched on my Father and Land Issues.

Both of these things are things which have shaped Me.

The land that my Father has been wanting to ‘return’ too, and build on, is next to the land in this article.

This has also been a point of dis-contention between us.

Throughout the generations there have been what the Indigenous have referred to as Kupapa, or supporters of the Colonial Cause. Their infamy has taken on a few forms, but selling off land at a pittance, or defrauding their own people are 2 of their most loathsome traits.

In this day and age, Kupapa still exist.

Their rhetoric however, has been tweaked.

Now they tend to espouse that We are not ‘utilising’ our resources properly; or We should ‘collaborate’ with the Crown, usually in the form of receiving their ‘assistance’ … that assistance usually comes with a clause in the documentation which states (in a nutshell), that if the rates are not maintained; the land is not maintained (to their specifications) etc, then the Land becomes the Crowns. We are advised to form Trusts and borrow from banks, using the Land as collateral.

The Land in question at the moment (in the re-blogged article), is next to this Rocket Base.

The long term environmental impact is unknown.

The long term cultural impact can be predicted really.

Again, We will be shafted.

This angst; this fuckery; this … ‘please listen to some kind of reasoning’, but they don’t … is a huge part of my make up … that churns in the depths of my gutt.

It’s why I Respond.

Rangitikei Enviromental Health Watch

Rocket_Lab_Launch_Complex_1_(Sept_2016) The new rocket launch-pad at Mahia NZ …  Photo Credit: Wikipedia

Rocket Lab is an American aerospace corporation launching out of New Zealand
SOURCE

Did you know that NZ now has a rocket base? This news seems to have flown under the radar for many. I only noticed it myself a month or so ago. The base is actually situated in Mahia on the East Coast of the North Island, however it was originally planned for the South Island at Kaitorete Spit near Christchurch, also near Birdling Flat and the Radar/Haarp Station there. The length of time obtaining consents appears to have been the deciding factor about a change in tack.  Rocket Lab noted one thing that prevented it from launching close to Christchurch which was the need for a cultural impact assessment from the council. A decision was made to locate the launch pad at Mahia instead. A cultural…

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the season for it …

Man issues, that is.

Don’t get me wrong; I understand all men aren’t ignorami, but appears to me at the moment, there are no holds barred on the amount of ignorance I am experiencing by said Men.

Yesterday was the partner … and that continues, unspoken about, today. As usual. And I know it’ll pass eventually, when he gets his fix of ‘man-dom’.

And then there is the Father … again.

He has recently returned to the country he’s been residing in for the past 30 odd years. No, I didn’t see him. He left in a tizzy, and thats too bad really.

Well, we spoke the other day.

Another long convoluted ‘discussion’ about ‘the land’.

After reflection re not saying what I actually wanted too … I decided to ‘gently’ (well, as gently as I am capable of) let him know where I stood … again.

He wants to set up a Land Trust, with all owners of the land he intends to build on. Why? Because a. He needs permission to do so. b. The Maori Land Court has ‘advised’ this is what is needed.

Now my Father and I have walked two very different paths in life.

His, in a nutshell, has been to run away from all things Indigenous (Maori); deny all things Indigenous; belittle all things Indigenous. He still believes the Crown (government) has his (and our) best interests at heart and we should believe everything they espouse. There’s reasons for this obviously, but again, thats another post.

My path: As a part Indigenous brown girl; and a non-looking white girl – I’ve had to make peace (still making peace actually) with both sides of my heritage. I have a unique way of doing that, and at the moment, it works for Me. In making peace though, I did a lot of study on Indigenous history and the colonisation of our land, people and culture … What that has meant for Us and where and how we deal with that … ‘moving forward’ (another post for another day).

So, in a nutshell … I don’t do Crown initiatives, or Crown ‘suggestions’ … I definitely don’t follow any format they suggest without researching the living shit out of it first. Because it has always, and I mean always, been to Indigenous detriment, to adhere to their recommendations.

I’ve tried to tell my Father this, on a number of occasions. I’ve also said that if he doesn’t share my beliefs, thats fine … but under no circumstances will I be joining any kind of Trust, Family or Land, and I won’t be a trustee. Why? Because why do We, the Indigenous; the owners of our own land, need to form some type of structure to govern or manoeuvre what we do with that land? Why are only the Indigenous, Us, advised to form a Land Trust to deal with our land?

The short answer, is apparently: Because We can’t get along and can’t organise ourselves.

For Me, this screams all kinds of fuckery. You see, We, the Indigenous, managed to organise ourselves well enough to defeat every colonial onslaught that invaded this country for land and lives. Every single time we defeated them. The colonial assholes ‘won’ in the end by sheer numbers which they’d borrowed from their home country and the other countries they had colonised. As our number depleted, they replenished theirs. Oh, and not to mention, our numbers had depleted horrendously from the diseases they brought with them that we were not immune too. Again, another post, another day.

Anywho … These are reasons I won’t partake in Crown initiatives, and I am also not interested in their money. When the family form this Trust, they will be entitled to rather hefty government ‘grants’. What they haven’t taken into consideration, is that those hefty grants come with hefty ‘fine print’. Usually, again, to the detriment of Us. So while the short term gain of the almighty dollar seems Ok, the long term loss, is not worth it, in my opinion. Also … my question is always: Why do we need their money? Apparently I am being naive. I believe they are being stupid.

My Father doesn’t get any of this. And at this stage of the game, I’m not asking him too. Just to respect that thats how I see it. I’ve also told him that I’ll support him as best I can … but it won’t be how he imagines it.

So, after dropping this little slash large morsel on him – he gets off the phone … And collapses, hits his head and is unconscious.

His wife rang yesterday and says that his blood pressure is low and his heart is playing up again and is back in hospital.

Great.

Do I feel sympathy? No.

Do I feel guilt? No.

Am I an awful bitch? Probs.

And this is the result of ‘saying what I mean’. Hmmm.

 

did i mention my father went back to where he came from?

It was kind of inevitable, and whether he comes back or not, is to be seen.

So he spent just over a month in the country and I didn’t see him once. This is also not an unusual thing.

The positives? … Well, I’m still figuring that one out.

I certainly got to ‘know’ him a bit more, strongly enough. Not through face to face methods, but though the screen; again. He pretty much, could of stayed in Australia for that.

Apparently he’s used to getting his way.

How have I come to know this?

He hints. Makes little (and large) suggestions.

Unfortunately, I don’t do hints. Or suggestions. I do up front, straight up questions and answers. So do my kids.

Just before he left the country – again – he rang me to say he was ready to be picked up. Like – Now. 6pm one evening … even though I don’t drive; I’ve told him repeatedly that we need at least 24 hours notice (because I don’t drive and the partner has a bad back … ); and just because it’s freaking courteous to give someone (like me especially) a fucking heads up.

Well the answer to his demand, was a resounding … No. But we can come on Monday. So the following day, after he’d been denied, he rang to say he was going home.

Surprise surprise. And See Yah.

Not that shit don’t work on Me mate.

father

We conversed yesterday … well if you can call him talking and Me listening and getting pissed off, conversing; then yeah, thats what it was.

I’ve talked about this issue before: Father. And have said that we don’t know one another. In fact we may as well be called acquaintances who share the same blood / blood lines.

My father is in the country now, and has been for the past month or so. He wants to build a house on his mothers land.

Theres a few lengthy processes to go through for this to happen, and thats another post really. Suffice to say, I don’t agree with the impediments that the Crown have put in place over the past 150+ years, for Indigenous to build on their own land. It isn’t a straight forward deal.

Anyway, thats what he’s trying to do.

a. Not all of the land he’s intending to build on has even been succeeded in the Land Court yet. – Lengthy process Number 1.

b. His reasons are loosely based, well actually rooted in (but I’m unsure whether he’s actually grasped this or not), making peace with himself, his shit life and finding somewhere to belong.

I understand this. I don’t think he does really – or doesn’t want too? His father was a cruel man to him and his siblings. His mother sent him away when he was about 11, to his sister and her husband, only to find out the the husband was nearly as cruel as his own father. Our family trace their roots / lineage, through my fathers father. This is also a colonised why of doing things. The beef is, my father doesn’t really want anything to do with his father, or his land or any of the places he called ‘home’. I haven’t pointed out to my father yet, that while he thinks his mother protected him (to a certain extent she did), her form of protection included ostracising him from the family. She didn’t leave the husband. But I also understand for that era, leaving an abusive partner was nearly impossible.

So, back to the beef at hand.

My father is staying with his nephew and trying to sort land issues and get a house built on land he doesn’t actually own yet. Oh, btw, he’s also has heart problems and diabetes and a few other ailments he’s deeply in denial about. But who am I to point out the obvious?

I am his daughter. The eldest daughter by his loins. And then there are my 2 sisters. The blood related sister, is dead. The other is my fathers wifes daughter. She’s older than me. And as far as I knew, my father raised her on and off over the years as she went back and forth from her mother to her grandmother.

So, this conversation, my father asks me if I mind if he whangai’s (non-legal adoption recently recognised in the Maori Land Court) my elder sister.

My reply was short and simple, as usual: “I thought you already had”.

He then went on to explain my sisters horrendous life and his wifes horrendous life and how horrible her mother was and No he hadn’t technically adopted my sister … but would have if the grandmother hadn’t interfered. And how touched my sister was by this gesture and how she’d cried.

His point, was that my sister would be entitled to the Maori Land he has.

No shit sherlock.

My head started aching at this point. And there were many other moments – but it became glaringly obvious that his blind spots are massive.

Hello – Hello I’m here!!

Ignored for most of my life by him and his family, I’ve tried to keep a tentative connection there. But all of a sudden … well after my younger sisters death, I’m now the go-to leftover. But not to listen to … but to listen.

My younger sister, and the older, if truth be told – have gone about their lives and pretty much done what my father wants them to do. Well, at least, thats what they’ve told him. In reality, they’ve both lived lies and paid rather large consequences for those lies. Ones dead, the other needs to go back to rehab.

And here I am, listening to his bullshit, thinking – Am I just doing what they did?

After yesterdays convo, I’d say yes. Not for lack of trying – but I couldn’t get a fucking word in … and when I did – He didn’t listen.

And today, I wonder: Do I really have some kind of fear deep down that if I actually barrel him up and tell him what I want to say … I won’t see or hear from him again?

As usual.

Now thats something I’ve told my own kids not to do – Not to be something they’re not – Not to shut their mouths when they need to say something – Just for the sake of Peace.