my short version religion conversation.

i dont like religion. in particular : christianity.

i dont agree with it. i dont believe in it. i dont like it.

i am particularly adverse to being told i need to be something else, so i dont end up in hell.

guess what fuckers … hell is here. & i aint buying what you’re selling.


kpm©


 

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flashy little fuckers

well, they’re not so little actually, & they been rolling  thick & fast today.

“flashbacks”

oh the fucking joy.

.

i’m tempted to medicate the fuck outta them but i’m trying the ‘sit with the feeling’ routine.

ffs.

.

so, this is one of those rambly posts, cos … well just cos.

.

2019 ‘goal’ was to get more ‘present’: in my body & not run from uncomfortable shit. however, my intention was that i’d be in control of that. yah know, little walks on the beach followed by meaningful moments of fucking enlightenment.

i shoulda known that that shit has never been how i learn.

i learn the hard way.

so, the beginning of january came with a slap in the chops & me leaving my partner. a big fucking deal in my world: considering my options re ‘leaving’ are extremely limited.

a. i still can’t drive.

b. i had no money.

our relationship had become a thing in the ‘too hard to process’ basket.

the reasons for leaving were simple: i was asked too.

the reason for being asked to leave: apparently my ‘pts(d) shit’ was too much to cope with.

*pausing for dramatic effect*

the upshot was, it forced me into a place of having to deal … & having to find financial resources. it also reminded me why the fuck i don’t rely on anyone.

.

move forward to february.

my youngest decided to join the army & my moko went to live with her father.

this fucked me up exponentially more than i could wrap my head around … but i could ‘feel’ it in my body, like, in unreal amounts. waves of panic & pain & heat & fucked-up-ness.

why?

it ‘felt’ like a repeat of a decision i had made in my 20s, regarding my kids going to live with their father.

it was one of the hardest decisions i had to make. it was also one of maybe 2 decisions in my life, where i could physically feel my heart break.

yeah well, all that came rushing back.

the kicker .. i hate the army. i hate its control. i hate what it stands for.

more than anything, i hate that it reminds me of a time in my life when i was again, vulnerable.

we were living @ the army base when i left my husband. cutting a long story short; he locked me out of the house, took the car, the keys, my possessions, my money & access to it … lowest of all, he took the kids & used them as a bargaining chip to gain my compliance.

i left anyway.

.

march rolls on.

i develop toothache.

i need tooth pulled.

i get butchered, literally, by the dentist.

its taken 2 months for it to heal.

… i dont like dentists & being in that type of ‘vulnerable’ state.

but i did it.

.

april rolls into place & i am determined as fuck for ‘birthday month’ to be a fucking thing.

& it was.

.

rolling into may like *yuss* :

& we get the invitations for my youngest girls graduation from army basic training.

holy fuck.

& i’m back in february’s groove, flashing the fuck out of all the things i was trying to ‘let go of’ & move on from.

to attend graduation i will have to be back at the same army base i left 20 odd years ago. those present at this graduation will include my ex husband.

& who do i have to help me with all the present shit & the shit i will have to deal with on the day?

that’s right … no one.

.

so, in all this, i can feel my body going back to little girl state. little sad lost vulnerable fucking little girl who cant do shit. who cant protect herself, or look after herself. & who has no cunt to stand up for her.

yes. i know im a big fucking girl now.

yes. i fucking know i can supposedly take care of myself now.

but guess what?

the panic attacks & flashy fucking flashbacks tell me otherwise.

.

my skin is crawling.

my gutt is churning.

i want to run.

but please – as if lol.

.

i hate these cunts. i hate these moments.

.

thats all for now.


kpm©


 

when’s my turn.

it.

it descended on childhood.

& it.

it reminds me, that in the distraction,

there is no me.

there is only something more important than me.

but that something aint me.


kpm©


 

thick …

a heavy sensation;

it grips @ the throat,

the shoulders,

the chest.

its uninvited fear.


kpm©


 

Image

today was cake day …

not cos it was actuals cake day, or my actual birth date …

but yeah, let me break it down:

as i’ve said, i’m doing birthday month, a new tradition for me.

& i can feel shit changing … not sure how to explain it entirely, so i’m not even going to try really … suffice to say … its good … its awkward … but its good.

so this weekend, i had 4 things left on my list of birthday shizz, that i wanted to do.

one was toasting marshmallows … i know, what a geek … but holy fuck i had fun! i was spose to them outside but it rained. & as much as i love the rain, do you know how hard it is to keep a fire going in the rain lol. so inside it was.

the trifecta!

& that was done whilst doing number two on my list:

Avengers: The End Game.

yes, i am a marvels geek & i embrace it whole heartedly!!! & what an ending … ps: i had tears lol!

moving on to saturday, the plan was to be in public, in the daytime, to get number 3 done … i had burgers to get.

i wrote a wingey little tale a week or so ago about not being able to go & get these burgers & how fucked up it is having pts(d); especially on days when yah really want to do something, but your body has other plans!

anyway, my burger cart returned to a semi-close vicinity so i took it as a sign from the goddesses, sucked my shit up, & decided to go. my end goal was 1 burger … anything after that was a bonus.

i did dark glasses & ear plugs & descended on the hood …

& guess what … i fucken did it!!!

dare i say, the worlds best burgers!

& every little bite felt like a fucking victory!!!

oh, & then i got coffee ;) not the worlds best-best coffee, but i wasn’t getting cocky … fuck i managed to order it & wait for it!

its was aight ;)

i did a couple low key shops after that & then started to feel jaded. overall though, i was pretty proud of me :)

sundays mish was the final thing on my list … & that was to make myself a banana birthday cake! i love banana cake <3 the thing with cakes & gifts & expectational shit, is sometimes it turns out to be a big fat disappointment. so birthday month was completely about doing, being & getting exactly what i liked & wanted.

so i made my own cake … & it was fucking gangstah!!!!

#boom! those are marshmallows with hot butter & brown sugar drizzled over top, with a topping of walnuts :)

my final surprise, which i think was amazing timing, was the arrival of a special gift from a special part of ‘my new tribe’. an amazing artist … a caring soul … & a beautiful friend xx this completely topped my day off!!

thankyou @gardengoddess , i love it <3

thankyou my friend … i love my scarf <3

so thats my weekend. i’m completely shattered but in a satisfied kinda way! couple more days till the end of the month & i am happy with all that i’ve ‘achieved’ & enjoyed.

i’ll explain in a couple days, a bit more about the significance for me, for all of this. until then .. i need to sleep.

love & loads of light to everyone x


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

like, it

it feels

like, it, just shouldn’t be that way.

like, it, should be something else, but i don’t know what.

like, it, spose to shift somehow.

like, it, was.


kpm ©


 

there’s some shit …

some deep old shit .. happening in my vicinity atm.

& from what i’ve gathered from my peeps, this is a thang that came with the dawning of 2019. not like they didn’t have shit to deal with beforehand …

but this be some new level deep shit.

now, i used to embrace the shit & dive right in head first. the underlining reason though (as i have funkily discovered over the last few ‘moments’) is to get that shit over & done with.

i’m a fucking minimalist aight. so if i can gather, deconstruct & reconstruct, like, in 10 minutes flat … then that be my goal!

but this shit …

this be a little deeper & i be a bit older & tireder.

i guess new facets of shit aint bad per se. but sometimes it just feels i’m walking (with a motherfucking walking stick) into a storm that i am no way prepared for.

thats scary as fuck for me.

any … way …

so, here i am,

 

.

& as i watch what’s unfolding i’m trying real hard not to grip the bannister to hard so i leave fingernail marks. i’m trying fucking hard to roll with it.

but it hurts like fuck.

& i’m trying to be all mindful & shit & ‘roll with it’ again.

but its scary as shit.

.

& thats all alright … right?

right.

apparently thats what ‘making a new lane’ is all about.


kpm ©


 

moving forward …

is that even a thing?


kpm ©


 

c.

to conform.

or not to conform.

no-brainer really.


kpm ©


 

duly noted:

some people ‘hide’ in the shelter of an institution.

no different than me hiding @ the beach.

i think my location is better though.

#JS.


kpm ©


 

.

i’m just tired.


kpm ©


 

peeps

but they’re just people.

hetero-normative, abled-bodied, big mouth, scary-ass

people.


kpm ©


 

think that’s grief that i can feel,

pressing against my chest.


kpm ©


 

awkward fucker

thats me @ the moment.

awkward fucking fucker.

oh well …


kpm ©


 

night.walking.

night walking, for me:

there’s no prep involved. it’s calm. cold. easy. refreshing.

even though the supposed sooth-sayers say it’s too dangerous for a ‘woman’ to be doing this.

tell yah whats dangerous honey: is having to listen to you speaking for far too fucking long!

stay in your lane bitch.


kpm ©


 

1 thinks.

citing the old :  “but we’re all members of the human race” line, is like shopping in supre’ & believing the ‘one size fits all’ label.

#JS.


kpm ©


 

Image

sometimes …

sometimes, i get it.

i get why others ‘see’ me as they do. why they get confused & aren’t sure what ‘category’ their little brains should put me in, so that i am ‘relatable’.

i get why when it becomes too confusing, i’m ousted to the ‘too-hard-basket’.

i get why it’s easier to ignore my feng shui, than it is to acknowledge it even exists.

i get why i bust their algorithms & they hit the re-set button.

i fucking get it.

but …

is that all reason enough to de-value a motherfucker?

i don’t think so.

.

i was playing with the lighting for my photography the other day. i’m one of those ‘teach-thyself’ peeps you see. & what better subject to test my shizz on than myself lol.

anyway, after like 1,000 crapped out photos (ok, slight exaggeration!), i all of a sudden ‘saw’ it.

‘what did you see?’ i hear you ask LOL.

i saw ME.

& while i think i’m pretty normal (IKR), i got why i confuse ‘others’.

sitting on the ground, when there’s a ‘perfectly good ‘chair behind me …

in all black … as usual

no shoes … as usual

sporting my wu-tang t.shirt …

knitting …

with my recycled wool …

without a pattern …

with drumsticks instead of knitting needles … cos the knitting needles were too small & i’ll be fucked if i’m going to buy any more …

my brown-self, listening to ‘you’re mine’ by oscar & the wolf, through headphones cos it’s too loud at the moment …

drinking my distilled water …

and yes, i fucking got it!

i’m an irony. what would be ‘eclectic’ if i was to even be slightly categorised.

“an eclectic mental health mess.”

but i felt ok. all this made me feel ok. not great. not bad. just ok.

and yah know what … sometimes, ‘OK’ is all i really want.

so there yah have it … one of those ‘sometimes’ moments as explained by Moi.

*insert a huge ass eye ball roll lol*


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

some-day fuckery.

yah know, there are just ‘those days’, when as much & as hard as yah try, you just cant help seeing all that is wrong with something, instead of seeing both sides of the coin.

today be one of those bitch ass days.

as much as i tried to ‘go-with-the-flow’, it just wasn’t flowing how i wanted it too.

so i’m here.

typing out my grievances.

again.


kpm ©


 

thought about my nan today,

actually i think about her most days, but today was a little different.

i had always wondered why she never left my grandfather when she appeared to be mostly (except for a few interim moments) pretty miserable.

they fought like cats & dogs & never really had anything nice to say to one another. they co-existed, or so it seemed.

they slept in different rooms & never really attended ‘functions’ together, like i saw other couples do.

there was always an air of animosity & tension.

poor old nan got the blame for most of that.

don’t get me wrong, i love both of my grandparents way beyond i love most things. but there things that my eyes & heart didn’t really understand.

as i become more ‘vocal’ & more of a feminist i suppose, my misplaced disdain for nan being in a situation she really didn’t like, made me question what she was up too.

why didn’t she just move on? start a new life? like my mama had when my father turned out to be a dick.

well, today i caught a glimpse of nans plight. i understood in a new way, why she didn’t or rather, couldn’t, ‘change’ her situation. it was something that i did know really, but not really really. lol. yah know when you really get the gist of something.

nan was a woman. a woman of the pre & post WW2 era. while she was fiercely independent & an entrepreneur & trailblazer of her era; she was limited.

because she was a woman.

where does a woman with no steady income – no ‘credentials’ – no ability to drive let alone purchase a vehicle – no ‘tribe’ that was accepting of her & her life choices (she married a man-of-colour, my grandfather, & was ostracised for it) – no alternatives – with declining mental health issues & daily challenges of small town living & generalised ‘woman misunderstanding’ – with a mouth that challenged the patriarchy @ every turn & was demonised for it.

where does that woman go when there is no where to go?

i guess i hadn’t really understood that sometimes, there is literally No Place To Go.

when that happens, you make a choice – a limited choice, but a choice none-the-less.

you remain in the situation that you know & that you can manoeuvre some type of freedom out of. as limited as that may be, it is better than the weighed up alternative – homelessness. aloneness.

today i understood her.

i understood her choices.

i admire her more than i think i have ever admired her before.


kpm ©


 

me:

insides out

&

outsides in.


kpm ©