big ups to those:

who hate this time of year,

for what ever reasons.

may the force be with you lovelies!

from Me.


kpm©


 

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some days it bothers me.

other days, it doesn’t.

today, is the latter.


kpm©


 

sullen learns.

i guess i was kinda hoping that i wasn’t right & that our little town wasn’t really as racist AF. that mabes i was being a little sensitive *insert eye ball roll* & that it was all in my head.

well, i had some valuable learns. sad learns. but valuable.

i learned-ded that our little town is indeed as racist AF. that they decline a brown person housing, supply & participation, based solely on colour / ethnicity.

i was privy to half a dozen stories, of being declined last minute for housing, after the owner discovered the applicant was actually brown. another story of being declined over the counter sales @ our local shop, based on colour. another story of ‘modifying the brown’ of a worker so she could properly serve the white clients. another story of a family leaving our community because of the racism her & her children had suffered.

there were a few others but i’ll stop there.

so … where does this leave us?

now that the guts feeling has been confirmed, do we wait for the next covert racist comment that comes our way? do we chose to ignore it or confront it head on? what if that racism comes from the people who own the house? or who have the potential of renting to us? how much ass licking & pride swallowing do we do?

this is a real thing.

it’s a choice. & most of the time we suck it up & ignore the racist remarks … because we have shit to do & the choices are limited.

its all well & good preaching rights & activism. the reality is though .. we y’all gonna live? what y’all gonna eat? whose gonna fill in your scripts if your confront the motherfuckers about their racism??

non-racist country my ass!


kpm©


 

possible.

it could be:

that the scent of christmas fuckery is in the air … everywhere … or that people keep knocking on my door unexpectedly … or that the house is sold as of tomorrow & we still aren’t sure of whether we can stay or not … or that, yet again, it feels as if my life is in someone else hands … or that its nearly a wrap for 2018 … or that our little family dynamics are changing … or that i burnt my finger & it hurts like fuck & i can’t bend the bloody thing … or that my hormones are all over the fucking place … or that its as hot as fuck & i don’t like it … or that ‘surprises’ are not surprises for me: they’re a fucking nightmare that takes @ least a week to process & another fucking week to come down from … or that my sleep pattern has gone back to a tentative 4 hours …. or that i feel uncomfortable … or that the less intrusive question i’ve been asked this week is: what do you do for work & oh, you were asleep? … or that my clothes are wearing out & have holes in them … or that i feel dizzy & my head hurts … or that i hate it when my phone rings but i hate it more when someone comes to the door & says ‘i tried to ring’ … or that my feet hurt … or that i’m thirsty … or that i have no desire to take photos at the moment … or that ‘lets have coffee’ seems to feel intrusive at the moment … or that chocolate isn’t cutting it … or that my skin feels weird … or that … or that … or that …

or that … at the motherfucking moment i feel so fucking lost & unsafe, the air is thick with the smell of my own fear & i’m scared.

of nothing & of everything.

i dread these days.

i hate these days.

most of all i hate that i forget how to manage me & them, in what feels like a long & prolonged exhausting panic fuck.


kpm©


 

Image

yesterday.

forgot.

yesterday i found myself listening to someone i love, unravel. i knew what was happening. they weren’t completely aware.

this strong, beautiful soul, was having a full scale panic attack, teetering on the point of foetal position. not quite, but nearly there.

i was surprised i recognised it so quickly. i was pleased i was able to talk them through it … gently. i was sad that i needed to talk them through it. i was also slightly relieved: that this is the beginning of something better for them.


photography & art @kpm-artist 


 

how.i.do.

i lock the doors.

close the windows.

sob till my insides ache.

find a corner.

a safe corner.

back right up into that bitch.

till i feel

safe.


kpm©


 

the stronger.

who believes they can become better, bigger, stronger

by standing on another.

the who, that believes to make another feel small, inadequate & afraid

will elevate their own strength.

their diminished, fading, exhaling

false sense of strength.

.

a wise papa once said:

come here child, let me show you.

.

& in his actions he strengthened his child

& himself.

.

where, when & how

did we lose the ability to empathise, listen & love.

when did we lose our humanity & our dignity.

our respect for life.

not just of ours,

but of those we love,

& those that have the right to be loved, aka: everyone.


kpm©