well, they’re not so little actually, & they been rolling thick & fast today.
oh the fucking joy.
i’m tempted to medicate the fuck outta them but i’m trying the ‘sit with the feeling’ routine.
so, this is one of those rambly posts, cos … well just cos.
2019 ‘goal’ was to get more ‘present’: in my body & not run from uncomfortable shit. however, my intention was that i’d be in control of that. yah know, little walks on the beach followed by meaningful moments of fucking enlightenment.
i shoulda known that that shit has never been how i learn.
i learn the hard way.
so, the beginning of january came with a slap in the chops & me leaving my partner. a big fucking deal in my world: considering my options re ‘leaving’ are extremely limited.
a. i still can’t drive.
b. i had no money.
our relationship had become a thing in the ‘too hard to process’ basket.
the reasons for leaving were simple: i was asked too.
the reason for being asked to leave: apparently my ‘pts(d) shit’ was too much to cope with.
*pausing for dramatic effect*
the upshot was, it forced me into a place of having to deal … & having to find financial resources. it also reminded me why the fuck i don’t rely on anyone.
move forward to february.
my youngest decided to join the army & my moko went to live with her father.
this fucked me up exponentially more than i could wrap my head around … but i could ‘feel’ it in my body, like, in unreal amounts. waves of panic & pain & heat & fucked-up-ness.
it ‘felt’ like a repeat of a decision i had made in my 20s, regarding my kids going to live with their father.
it was one of the hardest decisions i had to make. it was also one of maybe 2 decisions in my life, where i could physically feel my heart break.
yeah well, all that came rushing back.
the kicker .. i hate the army. i hate its control. i hate what it stands for.
more than anything, i hate that it reminds me of a time in my life when i was again, vulnerable.
we were living @ the army base when i left my husband. cutting a long story short; he locked me out of the house, took the car, the keys, my possessions, my money & access to it … lowest of all, he took the kids & used them as a bargaining chip to gain my compliance.
i left anyway.
march rolls on.
i develop toothache.
i need tooth pulled.
i get butchered, literally, by the dentist.
its taken 2 months for it to heal.
… i dont like dentists & being in that type of ‘vulnerable’ state.
but i did it.
april rolls into place & i am determined as fuck for ‘birthday month’ to be a fucking thing.
& it was.
rolling into may like *yuss* :
& we get the invitations for my youngest girls graduation from army basic training.
& i’m back in february’s groove, flashing the fuck out of all the things i was trying to ‘let go of’ & move on from.
to attend graduation i will have to be back at the same army base i left 20 odd years ago. those present at this graduation will include my ex husband.
& who do i have to help me with all the present shit & the shit i will have to deal with on the day?
that’s right … no one.
so, in all this, i can feel my body going back to little girl state. little sad lost vulnerable fucking little girl who cant do shit. who cant protect herself, or look after herself. & who has no cunt to stand up for her.
yes. i know im a big fucking girl now.
yes. i fucking know i can supposedly take care of myself now.
but guess what?
the panic attacks & flashy fucking flashbacks tell me otherwise.
my skin is crawling.
my gutt is churning.
i want to run.
but please – as if lol.
i hate these cunts. i hate these moments.
thats all for now.