Image

& i waited ..

having exercised my right to say NO.

i felt the fear rise instantly.

then i felt his soft hand tight on the back of my neck.
it wound it’s fingers round my hair, anchoring me in place.

i grabbed the stroller with my free hand, the other grabbed the back of the anchored hand which had started dragging me, the stroller & my baby, down the road.

2 long streets toward home.

half stumbling.
half gaining momentum.

it was a long enough drag to know there was gonna be damage done at the finish line.

It would be me.
or my baby.
that’s what i thought.

how did i get here.
in a place where this was the choice.

& as i caught a half sight of baby in the stroller, i marvelled at how peacefully she slept.

i steadied the stroller.

the dragging got heavier & lower, making it harder to keep the stroller on all it’s wheels, as we got to the driveway of home.

well, what was supposed to be home anyway.

i started purposefully crying.

it was a distraction.

as he rose in height, feeling powerful in all his mightiness at what he in all his colonised glory, was accomplishing, he didn’t notice me swing the stroller round 360 & set it down in the opposite room to the kitchen.

shutting the door behind.

i took a deep breath.

as he lowered his now solid fist to the side of
my face,
my neck,
my back,
my shoulders ..
i rose my arms up.

i had stopped crying.

& i waited.

waited for him to finish.
he’d get bored soon.
or hungry.
or thirsty.
& he’d make a dramatic exit.

but my girl would wake soon.

lord, don’t let her wake now.
don’t let her cry now.

waiting.
& wondering.
why noone came out of their pretty houses.
why noone came to the door.
why noone.
came.
again.

& i waited.
& waited.


kpm©

Sooooo. .

Guess what.
.
I realised the other night, that I actually enjoy bedtime.
.
Right. I know most enjoy it .. but I have never ever not ever.
.
Never.
.
Why.
.
Aside from the nightmares that had plagued me forever.. sleep is the ultimate vulnerability.
.
Yup. Let that soak.
.
So becoming aware of the fact that I actually enjoy, not just being a little ok, but enjoy, look forward too .. bed and sleep. .
.
Is fuck ing A Maze ing 
.
That’s it.
.


kpm©

Ae, that’s it

It’s grief
Deep ass grief
Fuck
What wasn’t
What I know could have been
But wasn’t
It’s not bitterness
It’s just loss
Loss and grief
And as I come to an end
As we all do
I can feel, not regret
Just grief
It’s been a long long long
Ass road
Long ass


kpm©

here .. to dump

fyi .. the world hasn’t just recently turned into a shit fest ..

it’s always been that way.

just the skids are showing now 🙄

& still cunts wanna put glitter on it & call it ‘content’.

fuck me. it’s some bullshit alright.


kpm©

&

don’t let it seep into
your
soul.


kpm©

its .. well,

had me another weird ass memory / feeling / dream thingy ..
being in a shop with baskets & ornament things .. looking for stuff .. realising though ..


i was looking for home.

a place to make mine.
to feel comfortable.
not so much cushiony comfortable .. but owned & safe kinda comfortable.

i never really found it.

i still looking.

for home.


kpm©

yah know ..

i had enough of me being shredded, stifled, torn & worn.
it’s time.

to protect, build, bind & strengthen.


kpm©

an.im.als.

mental health professionals love quoting animal euphemisms when recommending we adopt certain ‘healthy’ behaviours, like vulnerability. Since I know virtually nothing about animals, my question is : what 5 animals willing make themselves vulnerable to a predator or an environment, in order to learn a valuable lesson.

rhetorical question.


kpm©


i.

I don’t have to do anything.

not anything I don’t want to.

not anymore.
I don’t have to resign myself .
I don’t have to force myself.


I don’t have to be afraid for the fuck of it or for the greater proverbial good.


The only thing that matters is taking care of me and my safety.
physical.

mental.

spiritual .. me, my whole self.

Most importantly, my body.


She tired.
Tired of being afraid.


kpm©


hey you

congrats on having survived 30 odd years of shallow breathing.

*insert eye ball roll*


kpm©


yeah yeah

ive spent 10 years trying to figure out ptsd, anxiety, stress & how to manage those fuckers.

it’s all been unsure.

it’s all been random and scary.

pretty much 2020 in a nutshell.


kpm©


quickie update-ish …

all sorts of fuckery and non-fuckery going on atm .. honestly looking forward to the ass end of the gregorian 2020, but am guessing the lessons learned-ded throughout, aren’t a one time event.

as much as i’d like to blame 2020 for all my ills & for the ills of the world, i cant.

like my stuff, the shit in the world has always been there, its just made its way to the surface. real fast!! & real hard!!

& that sums it all up really.

it feels like, well for me anyways, i was treading water & slowly finding my feet .. in a weird ass kinda way .. & then some cunt drained the water, replaced it with salt water & a quickly rising & dipping tide. & then … had some little cunt start throwing rocks from the embankment LOL.

funny, but not.

& thats been the groove all year.

pandemics & outright racism aside .. theres been some gobsmacking shit happening all around. i think my hardest reality though, has been realising that some of the those that i thought i knew quite well, have turned out to have less moral substance than they had portrayed. & as gut wrenching as that has been, its also been a huge fucken eye opener.

anyways ..

as im tapping this out, i’m aware i probably won’t get all the updates i want to get done, done .. cos yeah, im still abit limp in the brain area atm lol. but ..

i need to note .. that the shift i felt months ago .. the feeling like shit was changing .. that was unrecognisable & slightly uncomfortable but also felt like it was gonna be a good thing ..

yeah .. well its shifted.

& its good.

it is exactly more difficult than i had realised it would be but its good. a NEW good .. shit im completely not use too.

i feel like a have a different wave of confidence.

in myself .. & more importantly, in what ive come to learn about myself & the shit i’ve been through.

im still weighing it all up. slowly. cos slow is what i do now lol.

until i’m kinda more clear, i’ll keep posting my intermittent updates & a few random pieces that i need to relieve myself of lol.

& finish with ..

we only got one life.

there are no do-overs.

dont waste time with meaningless worthless BS.



kpm©


cos ..

Sometimes I feel so fucken fragile it fucks me right off.

Like whhhy.

Why can’t I just be solid all the fucken time.

Yeah yeah ..

Rhetorical question.


kpm©


 

btw ..

i dont even like you.

*insert eye ball roll*


kpm©


 

Image

the ol TW ..

& here’s why.
.
there are no prior warnings to being sexually assaulted as a child.
so it is with the same grace that is shown them, that I afford a nil TW with regards to CSA.
.
we’ve become another gen & legacy that closes our eyes & ears to anything that makes us uncomfortable. & when we tooooo uncomfortable, we blame the info or the messenger of said info, for that discomfort, instead of examining the reasons of & for the info.
.
them days are tired.
.
for a fuller extensive version of the one & only TW I’ve ever given, go to the link in the bio.
.
.
✊🏾
🙅🏾‍♀️
.
#kpm©


kpm©


 

ps:

criticise all you like ..

i know what my demons look like.

do you?


kpm©


 

Image

quote & conversations

the conversations, or lack thereof really, has been completely fucking interesting.

to those that fucked with this on a deep ass level .. who felt it completely .. i hear you!!

dont ever shut your mouth!!

as an addendum, on the original post, i added  .. just so we know <3


kpm©


 

psa & self determination

i was raised amongst WW2 veteran whanau, fresh from war & the depression sporting undiagnosed ptsd, who voted social credit & believed the only way to change society was through government. 

i was also raised in a pentecostal christian environment whose theories included revelations & the mark of the beast, the return of christ, a white saviour, racism noting Maori & indigenous peoples being inferior, homophobia & white men being superior.

i was also raised amongst neo-nazism. whereby white supremacist theories hailed hitler as a saviour, jews as evil, & cleansing the population as imperative to the survival of the aryan nation. 

i believe in self determination as did my tipuna.

.

always ask questions.

always ask the ancestors.

always follow your instincts.

breathe & remain calm af.


kpm©


 

.. .. qt .15

just, stop.

completely, stop.

entirely, stop.

now, breathe.


kpm©


 

my uterus.

upon further pontification .. im thinking with this whole menopausal thing, that with the ending of my cycles, comes the ending of my uterus being weaponised against me.  .. further pontification needed.


kpm©