having exercised my right to say NO.
i felt the fear rise instantly.
then i felt his soft hand tight on the back of my neck.
it wound it’s fingers round my hair, anchoring me in place.
i grabbed the stroller with my free hand, the other grabbed the back of the anchored hand which had started dragging me, the stroller & my baby, down the road.
2 long streets toward home.
half gaining momentum.
it was a long enough drag to know there was gonna be damage done at the finish line.
It would be me.
or my baby.
that’s what i thought.
how did i get here.
in a place where this was the choice.
& as i caught a half sight of baby in the stroller, i marvelled at how peacefully she slept.
i steadied the stroller.
the dragging got heavier & lower, making it harder to keep the stroller on all it’s wheels, as we got to the driveway of home.
well, what was supposed to be home anyway.
i started purposefully crying.
it was a distraction.
as he rose in height, feeling powerful in all his mightiness at what he in all his colonised glory, was accomplishing, he didn’t notice me swing the stroller round 360 & set it down in the opposite room to the kitchen.
shutting the door behind.
i took a deep breath.
as he lowered his now solid fist to the side of
my shoulders ..
i rose my arms up.
i had stopped crying.
& i waited.
waited for him to finish.
he’d get bored soon.
& he’d make a dramatic exit.
but my girl would wake soon.
lord, don’t let her wake now.
don’t let her cry now.
why noone came out of their pretty houses.
why noone came to the door.
& i waited.