birthdays birthdays

April and June are our birthday steroid months. I think theres 5 or 6 in April and the same for June.

Cool Story … lol,

Which brings Me to this weekend; where there will be, what was going to be, a small gathering of friends and fams.

Last count 25 and rising … eek.

All good … I’m breathing … I have my toolkit … eek.

Seriously though … this will be the first time in about 4 years that I’ve been in the same vicinity with all of the fams – both sides.

Eek and double eek.

Oh and I have drugs if I need them 😉

Wish Me luck … if I can pull this shit off without offending anyone to badly or having a giant ass meltdown … the possibilities could be endless 😉

Oh, and my father is apparently flying into the country on Saturday … again … maybe.



a thought ~ resistance

#resistance #change #thoughts #ignorance #learning #homophobia #racism #sexism #fear #enoughalready #standout


go on.

say something.

tell me how I should do it.

what I should feel.

tell me

I’m wrong.

tell me

I need to get a life.

go on.

raise your voice.

your tone.

puff your shoulders up.

stretch out the back bone.

lift that chin.

tell me, tell me

I’m fucked.

I’m a mongrel.

I’m lazy.

I’m useless.

go on, mother fucker.

tell me again.

tell me, what you think.

tell me what I should really be thinking.

go on, correct my feelings.

I fucking dare you.

tell it like it is.

tell me, fuck yah.

go on, just like you used to do.


when I was weaker,


in need,


wanting a hand,

a shoulder,

was whiny,



isn’t that how you put it.

mongrel bitch,

go on, try it again motherfucker.

please, please.

I am in need of a dam good fucking argument.

you used to like it like that,

but now,

not so much, ay.

because my voice

my arm

my anger

my fierce

my being

my woman

my heart

my soul

and my fucking steel


don’t play that shit no more.

so, I tell you.

I dare you.

try it, go on, try it.

and see what happens.

activism ~ Me re: parenting and protection

My goal for parenting ‘well’, was to protect.

Now I didn’t wake up one morning, breastfeed my daughter and think ‘oh gosh, I think protection of you and your little world is going to be my number one goal as I raise you’.

No, protection was / is an engrained response.

I think there’s supposed to be way more to parenting. But this was my driving force. It shaped how I was with my children, my absence from my children, my need to step back or be in their faces, or someone elses … it was to protect.

Protect from what?

Besides everything …

Sexual Assault.

Dim and grim view you may say, and yes, in hindsight, I get that it probably was. But as I’ve said before, my PTSDness has shaped who and what I am, for the most part of my life.

When I knew I was having daughters … I was petrified. Absolutely petrified.

Statistically, females are sexually assaulted more than males. Well, that’s whats reported. And I get now, that those stats are largely incorrect. But as a new mother back in the day; and a very young mother at that; and based on my own experiences … being a female, and a little female at that … your chances of survival were slim.

I became ‘absent’ from my daughter when she was a baby. For the most part, this was to protect her from her birth father. He was violent, but his violence was directed at me, not her. In hindsight, a stronger, wiser person would have just reported his ass and been done with it.

However, if you know anything about reporting physical violence, from a females perspective; you’d have more results pushing water up hill with a fork than have the ‘authorities’ come to your aid.

I did what I thought to be right at the time.

I was never far away and was forever watching.

So when my daughters came back to live with me, after their father decided he needed to ‘find himself’, I saw it as a second chance. And one I wasn’t going to fuck up.

My basis for parenting was environmental; as in, I had learned and absorbed what I had seen and experienced. The rest of it came from Biblical principles that I had also heard and absorbed whilst sitting in church for years. Unfortunately, that didn’t give a step by step on how to protect children from pedos, and I wasn’t about to leave it up to faith and prayer.

So I hunted for solutions and a ‘how to’ manual and came up short. And then I figured –  what better way to learn, than from peeps that hunted pedo freaks for a living. You’ve got to remember, this was about 2002 and there wasn’t a lot available to your average peep on this sort of thing.

Enter, ‘John Douglas’, former FBI criminal profiler dude; now author dude – of ‘Mindhunter’.

At the end of this book there was a list, of sorts, of what to look for, behaviour wise, when scoping out a would be, could be, offender. There were tips on what to look for in your children if you suspected something was amiss.

Here are some of the things I came away with, rehashed and implemented into my parenting.

  1. Know your children. Properly, and deeply. If you know them, really know them, then you will notice any changes.
  2. Teach your children confidence. Build confidence in them. Not only is confidence a good thing; a predator of children is less likely to ‘hunt’ a child that exudes confidence. Not always, but it minimises the chances. Confident children don’t make easy prey.
  3. Teach your children to trust their instincts and their gutt. If it feels odd, then it is odd. Always roll with your ‘first thought’ or ‘first instinctual reaction’.

These sound like simple things, but they are hard, for us. When we’re to busy to ‘know’ our kids … when we would rather have them obey than to seem disrespectful or obstinate … when we would rather that we taught them how to act and react.

Children are way way smarter than we give them credit for. They usually know what to do in any given situation, but our ‘socialisation’ of them teaches them to not listen to their instincts, to trust all adults and to obey authority.

If a child is uncomfortable with a certain adult, don’t make them say hello or give them a hug because we feel uncomfortable about how the child’s unwillingness to be compliant makes us look.

Teach them honesty, confidence and love; but also observance, instinctual response and strategy.

And for us … listen to what children have to say … we might actually learn something!

blame game…

blame the parent

for not protecting

for not loving

for not noticing

blame the teacher

for not teaching

for not educating

blame the crowd

for not acting

for not responding

blame the bystander

for freezing

blame the friend

for not intervening

blame the siblings

for not notifying

blame the victim

for being in the wrong place at the wrong time

for wearing their skirt to short

for being too flamboyant

for being to gay

for being to vulnerable

for being drunk

for being to small

for just;



blame the perp