that ..

that …

feeling of being @ home.

going home.


kpm©

qt .10

the person who wrote:

“feel the fear & do it anyway”

did not have pts(d).


kpm ©


 

qt .1

remember :

dont take it personally.

some people are just cunts. period.


kpm ©


 

i can feel it.

today i felt the water on my back; then it running down my legs. i felt it, like i’m guessing, most people would when water touches them.

it felt weird.

not hot or cold. just drippy. moving.

as a dissociated twat, this is something i’ve never really felt before.

my pain threshold is reasonably high, so when i ‘feel’, its in terms of pain. tattoos. headaches. when i stub my toe on the corner of the table leg.

but by in large, i don’t – haven’t – felt things like, water dripping, or a light breeze across my face. i can’t feel my fingertips touch. i don’t really recognise my clothing against my skin. i know, cognitively, that its there, and therefore i ‘feel’ it. but i don’t ‘feel’ it.

today i felt the water on my back; then it running down my legs.

& while those around me might celebrate that, if i were to actually tell them; i’m not celebrating.

i know it’s coming.

change.

it’s coming.

& i’m afraid of what i will ‘feel’ next.


kpm ©


 

dread.

and as my insides shake

and my peripheral starts to sharpen

my sense of smell heightens

and noises volume-ise

i know its near

the intention

unclear


kpm ©


 

Image

trying the unfucking of thyself.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

so, i’ve decided to work on ‘feeling’ … not emotional shit (unless it should make an appearance), but physical feeling.

a little while ago i realised that due to being a disassociated twat for my entire life, & for good reason, part of my present anxiety, can be related to new sensations.

i’ve talked about this before: that i can’t tell the difference between certain sensations the absence of emotion & feeling has produced a lack of knowledge in the whole ‘feeling’ realm.

anyway … today i decided to start small so i lay out in the sun in our back yard. which is actually big for me, cos i don’t really like the sun or the heat.

so, on our back lawn (on a blanket of course, cos grass makes me itchy – yes, i was one of ‘those’ kids @ school lol) in my shorts & boob tube (probably not a very nice sight for the neighbours, but who gives a fuck ay … this is life changing shit right here ;) ), this is what i noticed:

the suns heat is hotter on the back of my hand,

as opposed to my palm. now i’m no scientist, but i’m guessing thats cos the palm is more ‘used’ therefore heartier, if yah get my drift.

i also noticed the sensation of the wind & the heat from the sun on my skin & even on my hairy ass legs. that was a strange sensation, feeling the 2 things in unison.

& lastly, i’m pretty sure my boobs used to be bigger than my tummy??? not sure when that happened so thanks a bunch gravity & hormone fuckery.

but, i am embracing it all.

oh, & i noticed all my stretch marks & scars. & for the first time, i felt proud :) us women are so used to covering up our birthing marks & putting our bodies through so much shit so we ‘look’ a certain way. fuck that i say! those days are waaaay over!

so this round of ‘mindful desensitisation’ was a success i reckon ;)


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

reconciling the hormones.

So I’m sort of back to the beginning, or there abouts, with these dam things. It’s an angst-tation cross between being a dissociative retard and actually having something physical going on.

What the fuck does that mean?

Well I’ve griped about this before, but as time ticks on, I can see a pattern emerging …

I’ve spent a life time NOT feeling shit. Not just emotion, but the physical feeling that goes with emotion. Yes, it seems as if theres a physical feeling associated with emotion. Just as there is a physical ‘feeling’ associated with being hungry, tired or in pain.

But did you know, that all the aforementioned ‘issues’ ‘feel’ very very similar and to fuck it up even more, they also ‘feel’ like hormonal fuckery and anxiety / panic fucks.

Yes, thats right, for Me, they all feel extremely similar.

So … what does one do when one feels one or all of these things happening or coming on?

  1. Hit the ground and breath deep
  2. Take a small amount of sedative
  3. Drink water
  4. Consult with stomach
  5. Try and eat something
  6. Take a pain killer
  7. Ice pack
  8. Peppermint essential oil
  9. Breath deeper
  10. Calming music
  11. Re check that I have eaten enough, drank enough.
  12. Re check and start at the beginning again until it (the panic fuck feeling and dizziness) subsides.

This has been Me on and off for the past couple days and feeling pretty over it. It’s kinda scary, so much so I may even go to the doctors arrghh.

Staying positive, whatever the fuck that means though.

Ok … trying to stay gangstah ;)

Love and light xo


kpm ©


 

Image

my.ptsd … is

A thousand butterflies in your chest
A tsunami in your tummy

It’s every fear,

all
At once
.


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist