Homai to Aroha
so, i’ve decided to work on ‘feeling’ … not emotional shit (unless it should make an appearance), but physical feeling.
a little while ago i realised that due to being a disassociated twat for my entire life, & for good reason, part of my present anxiety, can be related to new sensations.
i’ve talked about this before: that i can’t tell the difference between certain sensations the absence of emotion & feeling has produced a lack of knowledge in the whole ‘feeling’ realm.
anyway … today i decided to start small so i lay out in the sun in our back yard. which is actually big for me, cos i don’t really like the sun or the heat.
so, on our back lawn (on a blanket of course, cos grass makes me itchy – yes, i was one of ‘those’ kids @ school lol) in my shorts & boob tube (probably not a very nice sight for the neighbours, but who gives a fuck ay … this is life changing shit right here ;) ), this is what i noticed:
the suns heat is hotter on the back of my hand,
as opposed to my palm. now i’m no scientist, but i’m guessing thats cos the palm is more ‘used’ therefore heartier, if yah get my drift.
i also noticed the sensation of the wind & the heat from the sun on my skin & even on my hairy ass legs. that was a strange sensation, feeling the 2 things in unison.
& lastly, i’m pretty sure my boobs used to be bigger than my tummy??? not sure when that happened so thanks a bunch gravity & hormone fuckery.
but, i am embracing it all.
oh, & i noticed all my stretch marks & scars. & for the first time, i felt proud :) us women are so used to covering up our birthing marks & putting our bodies through so much shit so we ‘look’ a certain way. fuck that i say! those days are waaaay over!
so this round of ‘mindful desensitisation’ was a success i reckon ;)
kpm © : ig @kpm-artist