Homai to Aroha
I have this thing for finishing what I start. Actually, the whole fucking world (western world actually) does.
If you don’t finish something then you’re no good; won’t ever amount to anything; aren’t stable etc etc.
I wonder who made that shit up?
Whoever did, did a good job of perpetuating their bullshit onto many a generation of peeps; including mine.
It’s a pain in my ass … in causes anxiety and stress … the thought … thats right, just the thought … of not Finishing something to completion.
My OCD self then increases the angst by having to complete something to ‘my’ standard … which isn’t like everyone elses … it’s a special kind of fuckery lol.
So as you can see by some of my earlier posts today, I’m on a fucking roll lol. And I’m ‘finishing’ shit up.
So my OCD half can leave it all the fuck alone. So I can listen to my instincts without having this gnawing feeling in the back of my mind, or in the pit of my gutt, telling Me I haven’t completed a certain something, so I can’t do something else.
A constant reminder that I didn’t do the 3 years like I said I would. I only did the first year. I did fucking well and yes, I was actually fucking fucked with undiagnosed pts(d) at that stage … but who cares … I didn’t complete what I said I would. Instead I made excuses as to why just the first year was enough.
Fucks sakes ay!
I have learnt today that I am part of my own problem.
Hard pill to swallow but swallowing I am.
When is enough, enough for Me?
What does completed mean? Does it mean what I think it means or am I just another product of mental colonisation?
So here I am, again, against every little bit of my will, finishing up a process I started, before I think I should … because, it turns out, that ‘unfucking myself’ is simply a matter of stopping doing what I’ve always done, or thinking like I’ve always thought … and doing something different. It don’t matter if the new way is right or wrong … it’s just a change in direction.