lots & lots of flashbacks

by mid week last week i was feeling fucking exhausted, rattled & way over it.

i can tell the difference now. between what is a memory & what is a flashback. btw, i hate that fucking terminology. who the fuck made that shit up ay. some douche in a white coat no doubt.

anyway, telling the difference between the two makes me feel better that i know, cos i like being in the know *insert eye ball roll*; does it make it any easier.


it has been fucking tiring.

im holding on to the thought, that i must be stronger than i was so my feng shui has decided to let a bit more poison seep out. thats a good thing. but it dont feel good at the time.

i am now working on ‘grounding techniques’ for in the moment back flashes ;)

all the glorious bullshit they tell you to do for a panic attack, work like, one third of the time for these flashy fuckers. pacing around like a caged animal is kind of working … until i overheat & have a hot flush to top it off lol.

fuck me.

ne’mind. its not like im gonna quit is it.




the other half of the ‘flash back’:

whilst opening the car door ffs, included a forgotten little gem, in line with the other one.

i was pregnant, vulnerable. fat as fuck.

i showed up to my grandparents house to find the pedo fucker there in all his filthy glory.

he had a habit of showing up there uninvited & just sticking around & torturing the living shit out of them for as long as they’d let him.

he’s such a cunt.

anyway, i was pretty young & timid back then. & feeling vulnerable, like i said.

no-one had any real idea of the effect this cunt had had on my existence, & i was only really just starting to feel the tidal wave of the havoc he’d reeked.

i was married @ this time, & for some reason, the husbands job hunting came up in conversation. he’d decided to apply for prison officer work …

well pedo cunt flipped his lid.

& when he flipped he became more of a scary motherfucker than when he was in his ‘resting’ mode.

i cant really explain the fear he caused, but i knew it was amplified by the fear i felt from everyone else around me. this had been the same all my life.

no-one except my grandmother, ever stood up to him; & she was admonished for doing that mainly because it caused the pedo cunt to escalate.

long story short … he escalated & i froze with fear … gathered my senses slightly … & then took off.

i drove & sobbed for an hour.

this was another piece of the reason i decided to out the filthy cunt.

kpm ©



well that was a shit sleep …

Not that it wasn’t a ‘lights out’ sleep … cos sedatives will do that to yah!

But what I realised this morning was I was as tense as fuck. My muscles, or lack of them, were tight, like I’d been for a 5 mile hike, up-hill, non-stop. Not that I actually know what that feels like per se, but I imagine that it’d feel like I did this morning.

Now I’m used to waking up sweating or crying or being jolted awake from hideous ass dreams and feeling like someones shoved a hot poker into my chest … yeah … thats kinda normal for Me. And generally I roll with it …

But this morning I don’t remember having any nightmares – mind due that could be due to the drug induced coma I’ve been putting myself into of late – I just felt tense as fuck.

The run on thought from that was that is exactly what I’ve been feeling like for weeks …

That is also what I used to feel like all the time.

A. Kudos I’ve had a lull in that fuckery

B. How do I get back to the non-tense Me?

My guess is my pts(d) senses are on overdrive for some unknown reason … but generally they’re not wrong … or they’re still spiking and I haven’t figured out the starting point and the Why.

So I’ll let that one settle for the next few days … trying to be aware of what the fuck is going on in my insides … My guess is though … ewww … here we go:

it probably has something to do with the flashback I had a few months ago … the one where I couldn’t breathe. Literally. I could feel weight on my personage and it was overwhelming, frightening and heavy. I let it simmer … knowing it’d make it’s way to the surface eventually.

I think ‘eventually’ has arrived.

At night I can ‘see’ an outline of a large figure standing in my way. Everywhere I turn, there he is. Just out of reach but close enough to smell and ‘feel’.

And … It’s no fucking wonder I’ve been petrified of everything lately …


Anyway … in all that conundrum, I’ve been trying to find noise cancelling ear muffs to counteract the noise sensitivity.

I found these fuckers:

Turns out they are way out of my price range, so it’s back to finding what I can do with what I have.

This little combo (industrial ear muffs and ear plugs) doesn’t cancel out all noise but muffles it to about 85% – thats my best guess-ta-mation anyways.

The ‘issue’ is that this combo completely and utterly magnifies ‘echoes’; as in, I can hear my heart beat ultra loudly; I can hear my footsteps ultra loudly; any tapping on the side of the ear muffs themselves, produces a hideous echo right throughout my ear drums and down my spine.

Yeah, so thats that.

Then theres this combo:

My trusty headphones (not noise cancelling and falling to bits slowly), music and earplugs.

Now with the sound on ‘medium’, which is my comfortable … I can still hear everything going on around Me, but slightly muffled. If I hit the side of the headphones they echo slightly but not as much as the ear muffs.

So the latter is my choice of ‘ear wear’ for now until I can find something else.

My hope is that if I can lessen the ‘din’ that is going on, I can lessen abit of the muscle tightening anxiety … because honestly, I’m gonna run out of sedatives at this rate.

And this is the day that is a pts(d) fuck.

kpm ©