there will be a lot of ‘unfolding’ in the next few days, maybe weeks, knowing my long winded way of getting to things … there’ll be morbid poetry (er-hem, I mean, More, morbid poetry) ramblings and raging and/or morose music. i’ll be pausing the happy little daily photographs for awhile. They’re not doing it for Me.
i need to get Me sorted and this is the best way i know how. best and easiest, since there aint no cunt to help with this lot.
thanks to Bethany, i’ll be trying the mindfulness tip, but edited for Me’s use 😉
and thanks to the ever faithful Jim, i’ll be trying some serious gardening. Trying, being the key word here 😉
at this stage, i know theres the impending anniversary of my sisters death. and all i know is somewhere after that, i got lost. i’m enjoying blaming my father for that, but it aint entirely his fault. the fault is mine, as in i let him encroach on my space. but i’ma rolling with blaming his rotten ass at the moment.
somewhere after june, i lost touch with managing Me. thats the last time i can remember being aware i was going into a panic and being able to stop it before it happened. by august i was kacked out and fumbling with the grounding process.
i had had 2 ‘run ins’ with my father by then and was feeling like shit, which also annoyed Me no end. by september i’d cut that bastard off.
ACC and 2 large ass panic attacks, a huge bout of vertigo and a months worth of ‘sickness’, and i’m thinking, WTF is happening to Me?
Oh, and add to that the Tears. Fuckssake … I hate tears. i also hate thinking its hormonal, cause hormones are always to blame for a womans tears. these are angry hurt tears; fuck the hormones i say.
last night i got my exhibition pieces back. and with it came a host of compliments, of which i am humbled and grateful for.
also, there was this comment, said with an oozing nasty tone:
‘make you feel better did it?’
and that was enough to shatter what ever esteem and good vibes i had inside.
what pisses Me, is that that one comment was enough to floor Me. a year ago i would’ve brushed it aside. today … it’s echoing in my head.
it’s not the first time in my life i’ve been met with this sort of negativity, and by in large, i’ve culled most of those peeps. but i think in the culling process, i haven’t replaced them with ‘good for the soul’ peeps.
and i think in my new mish, this is what i need to do. not that i don’t love my blogging backup peeps … but i need peeps i can see now. peeps that can help encourage Me and keep Me grounded.
so thats enough rambling for now.
i’m off to cull 😉