dreaming …

had a dream last night .. & like a tonne of us, sleep is abit of a ratchet buzz atm .. 

not sure why im sharing this here, but any who ..

its a remake of a recurring dream a use to have, but the other was usually in a different setting & involved my kids. it always left me with a wtf & slightly exhausted sensation.

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it started in an old 2 bedroom flat i used to live in. there was me, ex, his kids, & a few other randoms. all in there, squashed af but living their best lives lol .. & by that, i mean they were blissfully unaware of their surroundings.

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our surroundings, in a certain light, were what i deem disgusting.

the roof was mouldy, on top of that were a tonne of cobwebs. the walls were dripping with mould and water. there was rubbish everywhere & it had been moved into ‘piles’ randomly. the toilet had been blocked & their was literal shit all over the place but it had been unblocked but not cleaned up.

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after moving around the rooms i felt overwhelmed about cleaning it all up, cos it was too big. also it was near impossible to clean around everyone.

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then we were all in a new house. 3 story mansion type gig. beautiful big windows and plenty of space.

but the junk and filth just relocated. so the same feeling of being the only person in the house to actually see what sort of state it was in, was frustrating, boarder lining on fury.

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i said my piece .. finally.

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‘this shit is filthy .. we need to clean it up, get rid of the junk & reorganise the spaces so we can all cohabitate together’.

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and no shit .. in my dream .. i was told i was being negative & there was absolutely nothing wrong with our surroundings.

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i woke up frustrated af. 

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sooooo . . . i note this is exactly what it feels like watching the world implode atm.

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js.


kpm ©


 

the remake: its like

screaming into the wind.

it just comes right back at’cha.


kpm ©


 

and it’s all alright ay

Don’t really know where to start … so just going to start … another unedited ramble … and see what comes out …

I never wanted to be High, or on some kind of adrenaline rush. It was, and still isn’t my thing. I’m not interested in the latest buzz or glittery bullshit … which FYI is why advertisements don’t work on Me. I couldn’t give a shit about the latest style, craze or ‘stuff’ that is supposed to make my life happier and healthier. Cos ya’ll know, next week there’ll be another one to debunk the last one …

All I ever really wanted was this – – – – – – – – – –

You know what that is ay? It’s Not Up, and Not Down, its straight up the shizz.

I get now that there are ups and downs in everything … that just cos its a shit day doesn’t mean that it’ll last forever. That being in a shit ass mood doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing … blah blah blah …

But I still don’t like what I call ‘Big’ emotions. Laughter or happiness that feels like hysterics. Sadness or a little down that feels like the whole world is caving in the side of your head. In those emotions I feel lost. Not because they’re mine, but because I can feel them on someone else and I feel like I’m drowning or flying right along with them.

That – – – – – – feeling, means I am Me and am not moved by what they are going through.

But apparently that makes Me an un-empathetic bitch face mole lol.

– – –

slight digression :

had one of those heart to heart convos with my mama awhile ago … she ‘admitted’ quite tearfully, that she felt like she hadn’t really connected with Me as a child; that I was left to do Me pretty much from the get-go.

Maybe thats why I feel quite safe in that place.

Ditched and completely unloved … but safe and comfortable.

I know what to do here.

– – –

end of digression lol.

I know i’ve written about these ebbs and flows of mine, before. But today they feel glaringly fucken painful. I want so much to just feel even … actually to just feel numb. It’s days like this I wish I could drink like I used to. While other people were so stoked that I gave up drinking (years ago now) and ‘forged a new more positive life for myself’ … how little did they know what that actually meant … or was going to mean! And how little They were going to be around for the aftermath!

You know, you can take away someones means of existence because You think it’d be better for Them and just quietly, for You. But really … all you’re doing is taking away their means for coping. I mean, who really gives a shit if they’re hurting no-one but themselves, in your opinion. Does their drunkeness make them smile … sing … sleep?

Then leave them the fuck alone.

Reality bites. We all fucken know that. Why would you want them to suffer that ay?

I aint talking about peeps with kids or peeps that spend all the dollars on drunken antics instead of food etc. But the homeless dude down the road wants to drink his liver into a state of shock … why shouldn’t he? But No, we want him to sober up, get a job, a house aka stress and bills … and be Just Like Us Productive Peeps.

Fuck that.

Again … leave them alone if they’re happily drunk.

Anywho ….

Back to Me … days like today, I’d drink myself into happy oblivion if I could. But I can’t cos that shit don’t agree with Me anymore.

Fuck it all.

Instead, I’ll sit here and type this shit.

Looking for this – – – – – through my words, my writing, my guessing, my unfolding.

Sometimes, just sometimes, shit absolutely fucken sucks ass; and it’s all alright ay.


kpm ©


 

and there was tears and snot, and more snot and tears

I’ve been trying to remain calm about the pending doctors visit today … just calm; nothing spectacular … calm would have sufficed.

I was calm … ish … playing my music, breathing deeply … and then the sour puss which is my partner right now, decided to strike up conversation just as we reached the outskirts of town … just where I hate being … just where the lights are bright and the noises peak … just where I loathe being on the way to somewhere I hate being even more …

“[Moko 1] asked why you don’t come to see them, or come into town.”

“And what did you tell him” was my reply. I shouldn’t have even asked. I should have just ignored the whole pending conversation and continued breathing deeply … but what felt like a slight rage coupled with a deep disappointment overwhelmed my spidey senses …

“Told him you don’t like people … cos thats all it is ay” was his naive and sarcastic reply.

Thats where there tears and snot began.

Now those who have pts(d) … or any other disability, mental and/or physical; and have struggled with educating your families on said ‘disability’ whilst trying to manage your own personal hell … will know the deep sinking feeling that hit my gutt in that moment.

Nearly 14 fucking years its been … him and I … and the last 8 or so have been struggling with the ‘unknown’ ‘disability’ that plagues my being … the last 3 years of actively trying my fucking best to manage that shit. And while he has his most blessed moments … this was not one of them … and I am well fucking over it.

The doctor was late, as usual, even though I was the first appointment of the day. Waiting causes severe fucking anxiety for Me. I got through the appointment, in tears and a large splattering of snot, but was over wiping any of that shit away so I just let it rain!!

Oh ugly ugly … but that shit obviously needed to come out, and come out it did!!

So, I got drugs that I can’t take … I’ll write another post on that fuckery another day arrghh … along with a raft of other shit that is more of the same shit … get my feels.

He filled in the fucking forms and had no idea where to send them so I took them with Me and gave them to the receptionist … she’s gangstah … with strict instructions to make sure some Cunt at ACC got that shit.

I am tired. I am a red faced puffy mess, I’ve just finished sweating like a rapist … my daughter has just walked in the door with chocolate! Fuck I love her!

And after a rather late quarter of a sedative, I have found my calm.

The positive: I fucking survived. I didn’t assault the doctor.

I live to tell the tale and to survive for another day.

Fuck pts(d).


kpm ©


 

Video

it is what it is: fuck the Crown i say

Ok, so after such a lovely calm day yesterday (aka, calm before the storm!), I woke up to a fluster fuck this morning … thank fuck yesterday was calm ay!

This is going to be an un-editted rant / vent / whatever yah like to call it, and there is a point, but I’m not sure that it’ll be that clear at the outset … bare with Me … again ;)

To start:

My eldest moko plays the drums and he is freaking awesome!

We’ve had dramas with the school and his supposed ‘behavioural difficulties’ over the last year. In a nutshell though, they want him medicated (after the suspension routine failed), and his only ‘crime’ to warrant such a reaction:

Asking questions whilst being Brown.

It’s something we’ve fought and will continue to fight …. forever.

But now it’s a new generation and we’re having to teach them how to Be in a world that sees only skin colour whether they admit it or not. That fucks Me no end!

So, moko was supposed to be playing the drums for his end of year performance at school. My fuckery of course is getting there … as with anything. Suffice to say, I am Not there today and I want to be, but oh well, moving On.

The school moved the dates and times of this performance / school finale and his Mama and Papa were unable to take time off work; his Aunty was unable to attend; my partner is making a fast last minute dash to get there and record it … and my beautiful Mama took the bull by the horns and got there! She’s updating Me by text as I type and I am, of course, having Big old tears … not completely sad ones … just tears. I love my mokos more than life itself <3

I sent their presents and cookies off with my partner so they’ll get those after as well.  I’m glad someone got to be there to see moko do his thing!! <3

So, in amongst all that, I got a phone call from my daughter; she’s in tears, crying about how sucky being an adult is … and when I managed to tease out what was wrong, it turns out she has been trying to dispute a fine that was given to her a couple of years ago; sent to an address she hasn’t resided at for years and during that time it’s escalated from $60 to $180. She can’t pay it; they won’t let her off it and she believes it’s unfair.

Enter my notation and angst with this issue:

Starting way back when (1840ish), once the Crown had made their dubious arrangement with tangata whenua; set up their foreign laws and started changing them to assimilate and devastate Us. I won’t go into all those now … suffice to say, they engage in goal-post moving exercises, thereby changing the rules continuously so we are continuously on the back foot … and then fining the infringements as a revenue building scheme. They (the Crown) have done this for centuries throughout the colonies they’ve invaded and it’s a strategy that works effectively.

My conundrum is more basic:

To give my mokos a fighting chance, We are going to have to teach them how to live in duality earlier than I expected. And we need to teach them how to Know the rules to Break or Bend those rules, and to live free of those rules.

Here is my daughter / whom I taught about colonisation and the Treaty, when she was still in Primary school /, still struggling with the concept of Power over her life. She’s still struggling with the Crowns will versus Her will … she’s still struggling with how to live in both arenas.

Why?

Because we weren’t supposed too. No set of peoples were supposed to have dominion over another! Period. Not ever. Anywhere. Ever!!!

But we are an amazing peoples … and we have learnt how to live like / with /around our ‘oppressors’. My struggle though, which is what I hear in my daughters voice … Is the Why? And How is this even fair???

I know the answer:

It’s Not Fair. But short of a world-wide revolution, it is what it is at the moment and we need to learn to live within it or be stung and butt fucked continuously by it.

The video below is an old one. Mr Brownlee was / is a Crown representative at that time, with his Party being in power at the time; the arrogance that he exudes is A.Typical of this lot. And it has nothing to do with Left and Right Wings / Different Parties … this has to do with Power and Control by the Crown (government). It’s an arrogance shared by a shittonne of governments world wide.

The response to Mr Brownlee is given by Moana Jackson, an Indigenous Lawyer; a righteous, well spoken, softly spoken, well educated and self determined Maori man.

On the days, like today, when the Crown pisses Me off … when I’m wondering what the actual fuck we’re doing … and what the actual fuck life is going to be like for my mokos ….

I watch this clip: He restores my fight <3

(not my video)

kpm ©


 

thats awesome ACC, insert *sarcastic eye roll*

The assessment is back. Noted. Added to the pts(d) is mdd. Awesome.

So todays conversation with the almighty ACC, went a little something like this … hit it:

  • so, you (meaning ACC – thats, Accident Compensation Corporation) will assist with counselling, right?

Yes.

  • and?

You are covered for mental injury, as noted on your new assessment.

  • which means?

We will assist with your recovery from your mental injury.

  • which means?

*Silence.

  • does that include practical help … like, transport to and from appointments?

We can assist with more than 80ks worth of travel in a month.

  • defined as, what?

Your own transport, and we can reimburse a percentage.

  • and if I don’t have my own transport?

We can look at paying for a bus, possibly.

  • pardon?

Where preferable, you should make your own way to and from appointments and we can reimburse a percentage.

  • what about something else, like self defence for instance?

No. We won’t help with physical activity.

  • what about, art therapy, or something along those lines?

We can assist with the recovery of your mental injury.

  • what about helping with future career or job prospects? getting back to work scenarios?

We will assist with the recovery of your mental injury. So, No, not work prospects. We can pay for a Social Worker to assist you with a CV and possibilities for further assistance.

  • Oh, Wow. Now that’s helpful.

kpm ©