sheeeeit ..

wouldn’t have thought that it’d be so hard.

but so far.

its hard.

a different kind of fuckery.

& not to take away from the good shit thats been happening.

but holy shit balls.

i dunno even what month we in.

& its been a fucked up ride so far.


kpm©

todays #feels :

from those of us, mostly just me though lol,  who have been giving a fuck long before y’all decided to give a fuck … the following is long af & full of more fucks than usual, even for me lol …

.

& yes, it all weaves together if you feel the feels.

.

PSA : 

i been supporting small businesses that have been supportive of me and my ‘cause’ long before this bs happened .. those that have gone out of their way to get product or service to my door step without me having to explain the grizzly fuckery that is ptsd .. those that are quite willing to go above and beyond. those cunts, i will continue to support.

ive been supporting and finding friendships that dont require me to ‘ohhhhh’ in person, at their new patio furniture, or require that i attend lame ass not really family, ‘family functions’ or support things i dont give a fuck about cos i cant fucking attend them … & those cunts i will continue to support.

i’ve been investing my precious time and money into people, artists & ‘causes’ that fucking matter. & those cunts i will continue to support.

dont come all up in here & announce that i should give a fuck cos i have been giving more fucks for a very fucking long time & more than you could ever know or understand.

.

& let me drop a few call outs for y’all to ponder on, & no you won’t find the stats on these cos this is the inside out knowledge ..

why dont ‘they’ give a fuck about y’all? .. why cant ‘they’ appreciate or care about everything the world has to offer them??

cos y’all didn’t take care of them.

its that fucking simple.

you cant fuck a generation or 2, quite literally, & expect that they’ll grow up wanting to protect those that didn’t protect them. if they haven’t tapped out already, these are the kids that will rob your house, steal your car, kill your fucking cat for the fuck of it & terrorise you while youre sleeping .. why? cos why the fuck not. 

you want them to give a fuck about crowds & not spreading some sickness they cant see? they dont give a fuck & youre too late too ask them too.

you shoulda taken care of them when you had the opportunity.

but lets not stop there. since y’all got plenty time to ponder .. just know that your 4 piece family doesnt mean shit to them. neither do your do gooder posts, neither does your favourite artichoke or your trip to belize. neither do your theories or conspiracy theories. your 5g global climate change restorative justice seeking ass means nothing. it just means you got shit to take thats all. 

take that as a warning before you post that shit.

youre welcome.

& now theres no more need for y’all to clasp at your pearls & wonder whats wrong with them all .. cos you have been informed.

.

& no, i dont give af about the crown & their bs institutions. none of it has ever done us any good & this is just another gigantic fuck up to add to the list of fuck ups since they stepped their filthy plague infested toes upon our shores .. stop looking @ them like they gonna save your pastey ass. they’re not. 

find the alternatives & act accordingly.

.

so, shout outs to those who have ‘self isolated’ by choice / because of long term illness / disability, for years ..  & been referred to by family & ’others’ as hermits, recluses .. ‘alternatives’ .. in the derogatory, long before this shit storm appeared … shout outs to those on HD .. shout outs to those that have managed on the bones of your assess & to those that have figured out how to self manage, on their own, without resources or fucking support.

shout the fuck out to everyone who lost everything to gain everything.

shout outs to those that have been bent all the fucking way over & fucked clean & clear up the asshole, without fucking consent .. to come back with middle finger in the air.

shout outs to those that have always been on the outside, who have built themselves a city & learned how to survive and thrive in it.

dont call us back in now with all your love & light BS .. fuckers. some of us dont forget & will therefore survive.

.

yep thats it.

.

#mystory


kpm ©


 

… …

well, aint this some extraordinary fuckery … *she says with a squint*


kpm ©


 

ohhhh …

its been a fucker, & we just getting in to february ffs ..

breath bitch ..


kpm ©


 

tonight ..

i had one of the most hideous encounters i think ive ever had, in a support group ffs!

its supposed to be, & used to be, a place to share knowledge & encourage its members, who are going through difficult shit.

somewhere over the last few weeks, its turned into a ‘i’m right, youre wrong’ shitfest.

groups aren’t really my forte, as we all know .. but because it was such a basic initiative i figured it’d be alright.

but No.

turns out assholeish-ness is still alive & well.

the good thing with online support groups, is in ends with the stroke of the delete button ;)

tomorrow will be about refocussing & getting ready for the first part of the ACC fuckery.

now that turns my stomach like clogged up toilet!

but, we’re breathing .. & breathing some more!


kpm ©


 

the other days fuckery .. of sorts

it was contained. but with further reflection, there is something a-brewing.

*note: the lack of posts atm is due to me still figuring out me internetness. theres no vdsl plugs or cables close to the house & the lovely new landlords used this place as their holiday home so didn’t want access to internetness, which is kinda cool .. but not when you need internetness & cant get it lol. so im doing the 4g thing but my usage (or previous usage lol) is not compatible with how much i bought this month .. long story short: i’ll be writing offline & posting in bulk or random until i can figure me shizz out ;)

so, back to the fuckery lol …

its been 2 weeks of being in my dust, mould free house up on the hill. i’m loving every inch of it & tend to spend the day getting sidetracked with the view or the hawk flying past or the sound of the ocean ..

but thats alright. im cool with it.

come monday, my nemesis aka building contractors, decided to start pummelling huge ass poles into the ground. cos we are largely sand dwellers out here, houses are built on stilts, which are driven into the earth by large ass digger things with a compactor thingy attached to the end of it.

*there was gonna be a picture which was a little blurry, but .. you know how many gigs it takes to upload said pic??? shitloads .. so  im sure you get my drift & will be fine without said pic ;).

now ive been pretty much anxiety free since coming here. the odd twitch here and there as i get used to the new noises and smells .. but said digger asshole kinda messed with that.

for the first hour of earth & house shaking pummelling, i tried to employ my learned skills to calm my farm. that included the ear plugs, music and feet on the ground. i tried to keep busy and moving around cos that lessened the shaking. i was pretty proud of myself actually. by 6pm they were still going though and my nerves were starting to get the best of me.

they finished soon after 630pm and i was utterly fucked.

interesting thing i noticed was the tightness in my neck, shoulders and head. i realised that i had been living in that state for the last couple years and the littlest noise or shake or upset just fucked me over. after being reasonably relaxed for the past couple of weeks and then tense over a few hours, it completely rocked my body.

i took abit of time to chill after they’d left and prepare for the following day of possibly more digger fuckery.

it was noticeable tension mounting in my gutt and shoulders that alerted me to my lack of calm steady deep breathing, so i stopped, sat and did a whole heap of gentle but deep breathing. oh, and i had a fucking early night!!

the following day i was ready for said fuckery but the tension had died down.

but said fuckery did not eventuate thank the goddesses.

however ..

i have neighbours.

*pause for effect*

turns out these neighbours love to yell and scream at each other like they’re about to one another grevious harm.

day 1 was the day after the pummelling fuckery.

i wasnt prepared for that specifically but was prepared so made sure i breathed deep and kept myself busy .. well, distracted.

day 2 however .. that was today.

they started at about 830am and screamed and yelled and screamed at each other .. & it completely fucked with me.

*i feel like im on the edge of change, of like a deep ass change, and its a good thing, but my usual response to this sort of thing (as long as there is no violence happening) is to ignore it and carry on.

but today i couldn’t.

it rattled my nerves. it threw me back to about 4 different timezones in my life where yelling and screaming and violence were all part of the back drop of life.

i could feel myself shaking & wanting to revert to recoiling and getting on with it. but my body wouldn’t let me.

i love this place. i love the calm that it gives me.

i dont like the yelling.

so what am i going to do about it? in a dignified sort of way?

well, i talked to the neighbours.

yes i did. lol.

turns out one of the neighbours has some kind of disorder of the anxiety variety, which i completely get, & when left unchecked, he lets rip.

& after hearing that & his deep apology for upsetting my feng shui, all was alright with my world again.

i guess yah dont know what someone else is struggling with unless you ask.


kpm ©


 

btw:

the ACC fuckery .. i decided to employ a lawyer for the next round, cos im over it & over the anxiety it causes.

#boom.


kpm ©


 

tink te universe be fuckin wit me feng shui …

again …

i’m hanging on for the ride: barely.


kpm ©


 

Image

unfucked.thyself.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

I don’t have a very clear head at the moment; meaning, my thoughts and memory feel pretty jumbled. I’m doing odd shit like putting the milk in the cupboard and the bread in the fridge.

I’m thinking I’m stressed.

I’m thinking I don’t deal with stress very well anymore.

And then I’m thinking: I need to find a different way to deal with stress, because, as it turns out, stress is part of life. Even aside from pts(d) stress.

I like things that are simple.

People, occasions, layouts, spaces … simplicity is best for me.

I’ve figured out over the last few years that a lot of that has to do with feeling overwhelmed when theres to much going on; and believe me, it doesn’t have to be too too much to be too much for Me: if yah know what I’m saying.

Add the frenzy I feel when things start feeling like rapid fire and Don’t make sense – then thats a whole new head fuck. Literally.

The world doesn’t make a hell of a lot of sense to me and my solutions are basic.

Too much plastic, dumped in our oceans, killing our ocean life?

Stop making plastic. Get rid of the plastic in the ocean. Treat the injured, sick or dying sea creatures.

Sorted.

‘Oh buts thats not practical’ they say.

Really? Cos it seems pretty fucking practical to Me and pretty fucking simple.

Like I said, I see things simply.

I used to think this was somehow wrong. But it’s not. I am right. So the fuckery for Me is: why won’t ‘they’ stop making plastic? Clean up the ocean and fix the sea life?

Because they don’t want too.

On the daily I have scenarios like this running through my head, then they come tumbling outta my pie hole. It really does do my head in.

I don’t know if I can completely unfuck myself from this one, cos it is how I’m wired. But I do know I need to find different ways to deal with it … because it is literally every fucking where.

Sunsets are good.

Calming.

Thats a start.


kpm©


 

hormones, NYs and panic fuck addendum:

The down side to living in ‘paradise’, is every cunt comes here for the holidays.

2013 population stats for here were around 600 but I think thats closer to 1,00 now. It’s a small place, and apart from the usual summer bustle, it’s pretty quiet. That’s how I like it.

Then over night our population nearly trebles – over the Christmas / Summer /New Years period.

Dear goddess I’m trying to breathe …

And this is my quick rant before the sedative I’ve dropped completely kicks in and I’m speaking in tongues instead of small witty sentences.

So, I’m somewhere in between a panic attack and / or a hot fucking flush … I can see stars and not of the pretty variety … I’m trying to slow my breathing down … I have on headphones and Nasty Nas is playing … I’m sweating like a rapist … I’ve got big girl tears … I feel like breaking someones face … but feel to fatigued for that … I’ve got an Ice Pack on my head … sipping water and sniffing an orange (for the over sensitive snout) and my insides feel like they’re shaking.

I’m not hungry … covered that base.

Not dehydrated … covering that base.

I got my period early: Yah … Not … but on the bonus, I guess that means the time frame between each of the cycles is shortening .. Yuss.

So trying fucking hard to remain fucking positive and can’t quite get comfortable.

It sucks ass.

Top that off with a final chop with the father and putting all that out there and an overwhelming amount of ‘Silence’ from family … but that was to be expected …

And then theres the “Celebrating the end of 2017” mind sucking posts that are cluttering up my newsfeeds and I think I may just drop another sedative and wake up when it’s all over.

The kids next door are as loud as fuck … their house is on piles so every jump or bump echoes and vibrates Our house … and the spidey senses are freaking out.

Fuck this post is all over the place … oh well … Better out than in as Nan always said ;)

Every cunts trying to go fishing which means tractors and boats are rumbling past the house, and yes, this bitch is vibrating like a jack hammer.

Back to the ‘family friendly’ posts … fuck I’m over those … told my kids I love them … they know that anyway and that I’m in hermit mode … they don’t care lol … ‘Mums doing Mum’.

My ‘partner’ is off doing his own thing … I got asked if I want anything. Pfft.

So, if I wake up before the end of the year and I’m still alone, I’ll try and smile and make Me some of my spaghetti and finish my Limoncello. Not sure what I wanted to do for the end of year ‘celebrations’, but I didn’t have this shit in mind.

Anywho: All power to Yous … For my anxiety ridden compadres … I’m feeling Yah! xoxo

Heres to waving goodbye to the ass end of 2017!


kpm ©