TW : some morbid/ish bs .. .. .. . . . today was .. dizzying. dreamt bout grandad again last night. that’s twice in 1 week. but no more than half a dozen in the last 14ish years.
‘sitting with it’ ..
( really gotta find an alternative name to that phrase .. I don’t like it .. like , journey and moving forward lawd strike me down now ..
Anyways .. digression )
& I dunno if the moon is in your anus or if the planets are in digital alignment at the minute. but shit is def weird af.
anyway .. grandad was making plum sauce .. in my dream. @ the old house. the one he built.
the one he built with the trade that he was ‘given’ after returning from world war fucking 2. he chose a trade .. not land.
the house where I felt the most love. the house where I experienced on my lil & growing body and soul, mongrelised depths of depravity. the house where the smell of bacon & tomatoes meant going to work & love. the house where the stench of bodily excrements & boiling opium, stuck to the walls.
how can all that coexist in one place.
i spose it has, in me.
screaming & smiling. smiling & screaming.
the most protection experienced & the most vulnerability exploited .. all in one place. . . i suspect .. because he’s not talking to me .. this is grandad’s way of being near me. his way of protecting. his silent, slightly traumatised, way of holding onto my insides while they crumble.
making plum sauce for us .. was an act of love on so many levels.
. . so, it’s whiro .. love me some whiro … of te ngahuru ma tahi o paengawhawha (yeah my phone don’t have those macron things .. deal).
& we moved into aires season. also, birthday month.
specifically, my birthday month.
so, after yesterday’s semi shock to the system, I decided to change up my usual plan & go commando, thusly making birthday month flexible, with extensions if necessary cos ..
• fiddy ✊ •peri •fuck the crown •aging is a muthafukin hon.our •fuck covxd •you only get to call yourself the 5 . O once in a lifetime & not be the 5 . 0 路♀️ •i want to enjoy all of it @ my own pace & •fuck the crown.
so let me start off aires season with some words of wisdom for the m/asses : . . “the thing with ‘healing’ per se, is it’s messy af. don’t matter what lovely little anecdote or meme your ass can come up with, or what wonderful little sunset & Maisey Rika tunes (no shade on Ms Rika, u gangang 藍), you can post along your ‘healing journey’ .. if it’s real .. its gonna hurt like fuck.
but not forever.
cos then it gets itchy.” . . yo welcome . . Follow Me for more intermittent pearls of wis.dom. ✊ . . slide one. me. unfiltered .. giving you, pre fiddy finery, full of allergy goodness 藍
slide two. the other part of the healing hikoi, I chose to embark, @ pre fiddy 臘♀️♀️
created a climate of chaos. so you lookin like the save.i.our. but. you the catalyst. you the In.stigator. you the Fire starter. . now put out yo own fire. . . . . . . . . #bnw #bs . . #artistic #intersectional #linguistical #tutu #truthseeker #etcetera
i think I’m still after a feeling .. Safety. in my body, skin. i’m not sure what that ‘looks’ like until I see it. the thing that makes me feel the most at ease, is .. simplicity .. in all senses of the word. . . is the world an unsafe place for a little girl. for a half grown girl. for a half ass grown woman. for a womxn. for a brown woamn. Is it. Is it really. At all. . . All she needed was protection. To feel safe. Ok. Protected. . The child didn’t feel protected. The child wasn’t protected. The child had to protect itself. It’s still frozen in one place waiting for shit to make sense. Waiting for grown ups to do something, grown up. Like. Manage themsleves. And protect those that are vulnerable. However. They’re vulnerable. And as ungrown up as the child standing next to them, watching them implode and explode. . . In the meantime .. we tryna grow our own selves up.
there’s something quite soul crushing about, not just being told your a shit ass mother, true or not .. but having your mama – hood, forcefully removed. . & then to have your child / ren used as tools of coercion, is an entirely different kinda fuckshit.
Type of fuckshit that’ll opt for abortion. Type of fuckshit that’ll opt for sterilization over contraception. Type of fuckshit that will pre book a space in hell for the weilder of coercion. Type of fuckshit that would see the village burned to the motherfucking ground.
Guess what. . I realised the other night, that I actually enjoy bedtime. . Right. I know most enjoy it .. but I have never ever not ever. . Never. . Why. . Aside from the nightmares that had plagued me forever.. sleep is the ultimate vulnerability. . Yup. Let that soak. . So becoming aware of the fact that I actually enjoy, not just being a little ok, but enjoy, look forward too .. bed and sleep. . . Is fuck ing A Maze ing . That’s it. .
It’s grief Deep ass grief Fuck What wasn’t What I know could have been But wasn’t It’s not bitterness It’s just loss Loss and grief And as I come to an end As we all do I can feel, not regret Just grief It’s been a long long long Ass road Long ass