mauri of me #21 my babies

I speak of my daughters often throughout my blog, but not alot, if you get my drift. And thats mainly out of respect for their privacy … little bitches 😉

But as I recently had a big dose of them, they are next up on my ‘mauri’ agenda … because they are my essence ❤

They are like a split of Me with an extra dollup of chocolate and gelato on the side 😉

They are both ultra sensitive and completely gangstah … but different.

 

… I started writing about how beautiful they both are … but that wasn’t actually the reason I thought of them both for this post today … so let Me get to the gutts of it ay.

I’ve also written alot about not knowing when and how We will stop being here … in this world. Whether it be those that take their own lives, or those that have lived a long plentiful life, or those that are so dam miserable they probably should be dead … the jist is, We never know when our time is up; but it is a guarantee of this life. That we will all one day expire.

I know this. And its strange, because the closer I get to digging Me and digging life, the more urgency I feel to love every little bit of it because its been so fucken hard for so long … I think I’ve done my hard times and down times enough for a couple life times.

But as I was hanging with my girlies the other day, the youngest (shes 23) had learnt that her friend, who is a little younger than her, had died. She leaves behind a 3 year old.

I think I was kinda in shock, but felt for my girl and could see her grief; and her love for her friend.

Today it kinda slapped Me up side the head. That my baby is feeling the grief of loss that we associate with older, having lived some more of life type age bracket. And that this girls mama would be completely gutted … to have lost her baby girl; her child … the child, growing into a young woman … who now, is no more.

My heart kinda skipped a bit of a beat. Not because I know this lady or her daughter … but because my girl was is in pain and that pains Me.

And because my girls are my love and life. They always have been. Because I am eternally grateful for them; for having them here – still; for being able to watch them grow from beautiful kids to even more beautiful young women … and I’m not just talking outward beauty (they are stunning looking girls though!), but what makes them extraordinary is what they exude … their essence.

They make Me so proud … but more than that … I have always been in love with my kids, and I’m pleased that they have loved Me back 🙂

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my babies are on the move again

The house that my kids and mokos moved in to recently, has been sold and they are on the move again. This time they are going back into town.

Being in the countryside has done them all the most amazing world of good. The mokos (grandchildren) have discovered their groove and rediscovered their confidence. My eldest daughter has found her groove, gotten herself a new job – which she’s loving, and most importantly, she’s learnt how to say No to the stuff she doesn’t want or need! My youngest daughter has a new appreciation for her sister and the amount of work she does … the stresses that face a mama with 3 extremely strong willed little darlings. She has also found her groove and another layer of confidence. She enrolled in a hair dressing course, which she’s loving! It’s so nice to see her happy at what she’s doing. And her little midget, #4 moko, has thrived with her cousins around. She’s loved and protected – x6 … and she’s benefiting from that. And the oldest girls partner … well he makes Me proud 🙂 He struggles with so much feminine strength around him lol … but he too, is finding his groove.

So, my eldest daughter rang Me at midnight the other night … and once I realised there was No pending emergency, she says … ‘Well you’re usually awake, so I thought I’d ring for a chat and to see how you are’ LOL … how could I refuse that 🙂

As we do, we got into deep conversation pretty quickly and a couple things came out.

To digress though: Me and the partner had been discussing the ‘kids and puppy’ video thats been doing the rounds on social media recently. This dude set up an experiment to lure kids away from a park, (with their parents present) with a cute little puppy. Every single kid went with the stranger; rightly so, the parents were horrified. Now theres all kinds of shizz ethically wrong with doing this sort of experiment, but what it did bring to light – or so they thought – was that kids are easily manipulated, thus unprotected.

My comment to the partner was, that it wasn’t so much that kids were easily manipulated, but that We (society, schools, parents, friends) have taught our kids, with one hand to be socially ‘polite’, and then with the other hand, have told them not to talk to strangers etc. But technically they are not strangers after they have introduced themselves, right? We make our kids kiss aunty so-and-so, when they meet her for the first time, even when the kid doesn’t want to … because, ‘it’s rude not too’. And then We act surprised when they toodle off with a nice stranger who has a cute puppy. I reckoned my Mokos wouldn’t do this. Because what they have been taught is something very different.

A. Trust their gut.

B. If they don’t want to pucker up for aunt maude, they don’t, and they’re not told off for it.

Un-digress and back to topic…

My daughter said that she had organised for 2 of her church friends to go and pick up moko #1 & #2 after school on this particular day; but she had forgotten to tell the mokos.

So ‘after school’ arrives, and these 2 churchies rock up to the school to pick up the mokos. But they refused to get in the car. (I was chuckling by this point of the story … ). The 2 churchies did what ‘people’ usually do, which in my opinion is undermining and dangerous – they told the mokos that a. they knew who they were, so it’d be safe b. that their mother had rung them and organised this c. that it wasn’t their (the churchies) fault that the mokos mother hadn’t told them d. everything would be alright.

And the mokos still refused to get in the car with them. The mokos explanation to the churchies was: a. We are allowed to get in the car with 5 people. b. You guys are not on that list.

In the end, the churchies rang the mokos mother and bluntly said, ‘your kids won’t get in the car’. To which, my daughter replies: ‘Aw, good darlings. I forgot to tell them you were picking them up. Put them on the phone”.

Moko #1 gets on the phone … ‘Hey Mum … they’re not on the list ay.’ … ‘Yes son, you did good! I forgot to let you both know they were coming to pick you up, sorry about that. But what you did was perfect!’.

And it was!! She was proud of her babies … and I was super proud as a Nan, of my girl and the mokos 🙂

Then we got on to the impending move. She was worried that the mokos would be anxious and not want to go, and she was feeling guilty. So she re-framed the whole thing for them. And they re-framed it back.

Turns out they are excited to be ‘getting a new house’ cos the other is ‘old’ now.

And thats it.

They’re not anxious or overly complicated by the move … it’s just another adventure for them, and an adventure that they all get to have together! Isn’t that just beautiful 🙂

Turns out the whole parenting out of guilt, in my opinion, is a sickness that follows shitloads of parents … and I wonder if it has a lot to do with the resulting ‘i’m entitled’ attitudes that ooze out of some kids. It also seems to be partially responsible for the lack of common sense and reality they seem Not to possess.

But I’m proud of my kids … I’m proud of their mistakes, their efforts, their forthrightness, their ability to think, articulate, question …

I love them ❤

So a couple more weeks and we will be helping them make their next move … to start their next adventure 🙂 So exciting!

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yesterday was boss baby …

I had the most intense delightful anxiety filled happy, filled with laughter day … ever!

It was awesome!

I hadn’t written anything prior, cos I didn’t want to jinx it … but its over now … and I can 🙂

Me and my Mama and my Girls decided to have a girls day out awhile ago, and were looking at a day before the kiddies went back to school, so the father and koro could look after the kids. Why not, was what I said … they helped make them, they can help look after them! But the idea of a day out and then the planning and then the execution … well, that’s when the fuckery started.

We were all looking forward to it though … and that’s what we’ve all held on too over the last couple of months … yes, that’s right, its taken that long to have 1 day out by ourselves!

My Mama suffers from Chronic Fatigue, my 2 girls have 4 children (my mokos) between them, ages ranging from 9 to 2 years old; there’s one father in the visible picture and one willing(ish) koro … and then there’s me … and pts(d) and all that’s associated with that.

So we finally picked a day that was suitable for all of us including the father and koro. And I was excited …

And then I was sick. And then I was scared. And then I was anxious. And then I was fucked!! … See all previous posts for the gory details on those bastardy days …

But yesterday … although I woke up as anxious as fuck … I was determined to go. Our plan was simple. Lunch, Op shops, Coffee, Home.

I packed 3 bags … that’s right, 3 fucking bags … of shit to help minimise, manage, and take down anxiety build up and full on panic attack. I left no stone unturned LOL. I packed my breather, computer … music, headphones … camera, breathe pacer … water bottle and a spare … an ice pack in a chilli bin … oranges for the smell factor … a banana … a knife … medication to cover everything and anything … a flannel … a change of clothing and footwear … a hat, a jacket … sunglasses and ear plugs … downloaded a funny movie and extra soothing music …

And I trailered all that shit with me … I ended up taking up most of the back seat LOL But by fuck I was going and was going to conquer the day!

I’ve done this all to lesser degrees over the past year … I’ve had my wins and epic fails … the big difference with this day, and what did my head in really, was I didn’t have my 2 most familiar ‘items’. Our car, with our smells, with the tinted windows, with my seat just as I like it …. AND … my partner … as annoying as he can be … he knows whats happening and when I freak and when I’ve had enough … and I know him … I know when he’s being miffy or getting shitty … I know the likelihood of him driving too fast or wanting to stop randomly … and while I’ve always hated his driving … I’ve become accustomed to it and adjusted myself according … whew … fucking exhausting …

But I didn’t have him yesterday, and while that petrified the living fuck out of me it also was kinda exhilarating and was what was actually making me more determined to go. I want my independence back and that’s hard when you need a constant fucking babysitter. And its hard for him … but Meh … he can write his own blog if he wants to whine about that …

So with enough crap to weigh down the back of the car, we set out … I got dropped off at my Mamas and waited for the girls to arrive. I was feeling a good +6 on the anxiety scale … and I knew it was anxiety, not panic 😉 … duly noted, I made sure I did my self-care throughout … sniffed that orange and breathed deeply.

The girls arrived and we had lunch and then set off for our afternoon of shopping.

I was nervous. I knew I was. And the anxiety was shooting up to a +8 by this stage. But I was still determined to go, with all my bits and pieces in tow.

We got to the first shop and the girls wanted to go and check their accounts … and I don’t like changes to plans cos it fucks with ME … so I breathed deeply and went with it … reminding myself all the while that I want Independence back and there are a few things that are going to come along within a timeframe that’ll fuck with my flow but I don’t have to let it fuck with ME.

And it worked.

And we ended up back at the first shop then moved on to the second. My Mama was getting tired so we decided to take our coffee break and headed for a beautiful little cafe out at the beach. My youngest girl is a qualified chef and she used to work for the owner, so we knew the food and coffee would be banging … there was no way I had come this far just to have shit coffee!!

The cafe was bright and noisy … something I’ve avoided for a long time … so I sniffed my orange and sipped on my water … got out the ice pack and applied as I felt the anxiety rising and the imminent threat of panic looming. I looked like an absolute freak and the girls looked slightly embarrassed … but by this stage I didn’t give a rats ass … I had come this far … by fuck, I was going to have my banging coffee or die trying LOL.

Once we were all seated, and Mama was taking a load off … something delightfully awesome happened … well it had been happening all day actually, but I really noticed it when we sat down …

I was still perspiring like a fucking rapist and looked like I had a temp of 500 degrees; I’d dumped my shoes and spread all my anxiety helpers out on the table and the floor … and as I was rattling around trying to find my ear plugs …

When I noticed the laughter … It was coming from Me, and my girls and my Mama … we were in fits … the people next to us looked a little awkward but ended up laughing as well … not sure if that was at us or with us … either way, it was funny.

And that laughter … once I’d noticed it, and embraced it … remedied everything! And it was a fucking beautiful thing! And I finally got to see the beauty and mess of it all …

4 beautiful strong women, with our matriarch, laughing to near pissing ourselves, about ourselves … laughing and enjoying the mess that is US and our lives … laughing and enjoying every single little bit of it!

My heart felt full. And I realised how in love I was with my darling girls and my beautiful Mama … that I was born from such a wonderfully strong woman and had given birth to two amazingly gifted and staunch women.

We had such a good time!

We left as the cafe was closing and headed for one more shop … and the laughter continued there too. By the time we headed home to my Mamas, we were all exhausted but happy. The girls looked refreshed and ready to resume mama duties. My Mama looked tired but happy … and I felt fucked … but happy and content.

My body was doing other things … itching, aching, blurred vision blah blah blah. I knew the anxiety was peaking and instead of freaking out, I applied the ice pack, sipped the water and got the girls to take me home. I was as nauseous as fuck when I got inside and curled up in bed for a couple of hours …

But I didn’t wipe the smile off my face. I still felt full. And happy. And I made sure I embraced that.

The rest of the night I felt fucked and as sick as a dog; my heart was racing and my vision was still fucked … and my head was pounding. I took a salt bath and tried to relax which didn’t really work and then took a sedative about 11pm. I remembered that the ‘come down’ is just as important as the prep.

I slept like a happy baby and woke still smiling.

It was a fucking fantastic day for Me … and self-care is continuing … but I enjoyed the independence; I’m grateful I lasted the day …. I am thrilled that I got to be with my loves and laughed and enjoyed the day.

And guess what … we’ve scheduled another day out in a months time 🙂

 

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all those times ~ #orangetheworld to end #VAW and girls #16DaysOfActivism #day16

#orangetheworld to end #VAW and girls #16DaysOfActivism #day16

1 in 3 women will experience some type of violence within their lifetime. That is not an acceptable thing.

Women are amazing creatures and the resilience and fortitude they encapsulate is truly awe-inspiring.

Today I bow in respect and admiration to every women that has set foot on this earth; but in particular, the 1 in every 3 that have experienced and endured violence to their body, soul and spirit.

Let your voices always be heard. Never be quiet. ❤

Reblogged on WordPress.com

Source: all those times ~ #orangetheworld

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#orangetheworld #day15 ~ for fathers, to sons

#orangetheworld to end #VAW and girls #16DaysOfActivism #day15

for fathers, to sons

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#orangetheworld #day14 ~ violence by an intimate partner

#orangetheworld to end #VAW and girls #16DaysOfActivism #day14

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#orangetheworld #day13 ~ all women, all nationalities

#orangetheworld to end #VAW and girls! #16DaysOfActivism #day13

The abuse of women, knows no bounds. It is prevalent in every nationality. For the indigenous, it is also a direct effect of the colonisation process. But women are strong courageous beings, and are also responding to these effects with righteous indignation.

“Alberta First Nation women hold rally after another sex assault charge laid against chief”

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#orangetheworld #day12 ~ empowering ‘victims’

#orangetheworld to end #VAW and girls #16DaysOfActivism #day12

Excerpt:

“Normally, victims of sexual abuse and sex-related crimes automatically have their names and identities protected, but the Smith sisters asked permission from a judge to waive name suppression so they could tell their story.” “…[they] want to empower others to find their voice and not be ashamed.”

“Sisters, victims of sexual abuse, ditch name suppression to tell their story” 

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#orangetheworld #day11 ~ artivism

#orangetheworld to end #VAW and girls! #16DaysOfActivism #day11

Women respond in a myriad of ways, to the invasion that is violence. Here, a collective of women are responding to their experiences through art, or ‘Artivism’.

“WAI are a collective of women making art in response to our experiences of violence.” 

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#orangetheworld #day10 ~ empowering breastfeeding mothers

#orangetheworld to end #VAW and girls #16DaysOfActivism #day10

Excerpt:

“Banks told HuffPost that she has never encountered any sort of “discrimination or awkwardness” in Native communities about her decision to breastfeed. In fact, many tribe elders have offered kind words and encouragement. “Breastfeeding is not as prevalent as it once was in our communities, but we are trying and implementing programs that help normalize breastfeeding again,” the mom explained.”

A Native American mother,  hopes her breastfeeding photos will empower women and educate the world.