I had the most intense delightful anxiety filled happy, filled with laughter day … ever!
It was awesome!
I hadn’t written anything prior, cos I didn’t want to jinx it … but its over now … and I can :)
Me and my Mama and my Girls decided to have a girls day out awhile ago, and were looking at a day before the kiddies went back to school, so the father and koro could look after the kids. Why not, was what I said … they helped make them, they can help look after them! But the idea of a day out and then the planning and then the execution … well, that’s when the fuckery started.
We were all looking forward to it though … and that’s what we’ve all held on too over the last couple of months … yes, that’s right, its taken that long to have 1 day out by ourselves!
My Mama suffers from Chronic Fatigue, my 2 girls have 4 children (my mokos) between them, ages ranging from 9 to 2 years old; there’s one father in the visible picture and one willing(ish) koro … and then there’s me … and pts(d) and all that’s associated with that.
So we finally picked a day that was suitable for all of us including the father and koro. And I was excited …
And then I was sick. And then I was scared. And then I was anxious. And then I was fucked!! … See all previous posts for the gory details on those bastardy days …
But yesterday … although I woke up as anxious as fuck … I was determined to go. Our plan was simple. Lunch, Op shops, Coffee, Home.
I packed 3 bags … that’s right, 3 fucking bags … of shit to help minimise, manage, and take down anxiety build up and full on panic attack. I left no stone unturned LOL. I packed my breather, computer … music, headphones … camera, breathe pacer … water bottle and a spare … an ice pack in a chilli bin … oranges for the smell factor … a banana … a knife … medication to cover everything and anything … a flannel … a change of clothing and footwear … a hat, a jacket … sunglasses and ear plugs … downloaded a funny movie and extra soothing music …
And I trailered all that shit with me … I ended up taking up most of the back seat LOL But by fuck I was going and was going to conquer the day!
I’ve done this all to lesser degrees over the past year … I’ve had my wins and epic fails … the big difference with this day, and what did my head in really, was I didn’t have my 2 most familiar ‘items’. Our car, with our smells, with the tinted windows, with my seat just as I like it …. AND … my partner … as annoying as he can be … he knows whats happening and when I freak and when I’ve had enough … and I know him … I know when he’s being miffy or getting shitty … I know the likelihood of him driving too fast or wanting to stop randomly … and while I’ve always hated his driving … I’ve become accustomed to it and adjusted myself according … whew … fucking exhausting …
But I didn’t have him yesterday, and while that petrified the living fuck out of me it also was kinda exhilarating and was what was actually making me more determined to go. I want my independence back and that’s hard when you need a constant fucking babysitter. And its hard for him … but Meh … he can write his own blog if he wants to whine about that …
So with enough crap to weigh down the back of the car, we set out … I got dropped off at my Mamas and waited for the girls to arrive. I was feeling a good +6 on the anxiety scale … and I knew it was anxiety, not panic ;) … duly noted, I made sure I did my self-care throughout … sniffed that orange and breathed deeply.
The girls arrived and we had lunch and then set off for our afternoon of shopping.
I was nervous. I knew I was. And the anxiety was shooting up to a +8 by this stage. But I was still determined to go, with all my bits and pieces in tow.
We got to the first shop and the girls wanted to go and check their accounts … and I don’t like changes to plans cos it fucks with ME … so I breathed deeply and went with it … reminding myself all the while that I want Independence back and there are a few things that are going to come along within a timeframe that’ll fuck with my flow but I don’t have to let it fuck with ME.
And it worked.
And we ended up back at the first shop then moved on to the second. My Mama was getting tired so we decided to take our coffee break and headed for a beautiful little cafe out at the beach. My youngest girl is a qualified chef and she used to work for the owner, so we knew the food and coffee would be banging … there was no way I had come this far just to have shit coffee!!
The cafe was bright and noisy … something I’ve avoided for a long time … so I sniffed my orange and sipped on my water … got out the ice pack and applied as I felt the anxiety rising and the imminent threat of panic looming. I looked like an absolute freak and the girls looked slightly embarrassed … but by this stage I didn’t give a rats ass … I had come this far … by fuck, I was going to have my banging coffee or die trying LOL.
Once we were all seated, and Mama was taking a load off … something delightfully awesome happened … well it had been happening all day actually, but I really noticed it when we sat down …
I was still perspiring like a fucking rapist and looked like I had a temp of 500 degrees; I’d dumped my shoes and spread all my anxiety helpers out on the table and the floor … and as I was rattling around trying to find my ear plugs …
When I noticed the laughter … It was coming from Me, and my girls and my Mama … we were in fits … the people next to us looked a little awkward but ended up laughing as well … not sure if that was at us or with us … either way, it was funny.
And that laughter … once I’d noticed it, and embraced it … remedied everything! And it was a fucking beautiful thing! And I finally got to see the beauty and mess of it all …
4 beautiful strong women, with our matriarch, laughing to near pissing ourselves, about ourselves … laughing and enjoying the mess that is US and our lives … laughing and enjoying every single little bit of it!
My heart felt full. And I realised how in love I was with my darling girls and my beautiful Mama … that I was born from such a wonderfully strong woman and had given birth to two amazingly gifted and staunch women.
We had such a good time!
We left as the cafe was closing and headed for one more shop … and the laughter continued there too. By the time we headed home to my Mamas, we were all exhausted but happy. The girls looked refreshed and ready to resume mama duties. My Mama looked tired but happy … and I felt fucked … but happy and content.
My body was doing other things … itching, aching, blurred vision blah blah blah. I knew the anxiety was peaking and instead of freaking out, I applied the ice pack, sipped the water and got the girls to take me home. I was as nauseous as fuck when I got inside and curled up in bed for a couple of hours …
But I didn’t wipe the smile off my face. I still felt full. And happy. And I made sure I embraced that.
The rest of the night I felt fucked and as sick as a dog; my heart was racing and my vision was still fucked … and my head was pounding. I took a salt bath and tried to relax which didn’t really work and then took a sedative about 11pm. I remembered that the ‘come down’ is just as important as the prep.
I slept like a happy baby and woke still smiling.
It was a fucking fantastic day for Me … and self-care is continuing … but I enjoyed the independence; I’m grateful I lasted the day …. I am thrilled that I got to be with my loves and laughed and enjoyed the day.
And guess what … we’ve scheduled another day out in a months time :)