Image

mauri of me #16 ~ tipuna

I am grateful for my hands.

I have my Nan’s hands.

And my Mama’s hands.

They’re my hands.

We have strong hands.

Image

mauri of me #1 ~ my Nan

I am made up of many nuances … some of which come from those that have loved Me; those whose genetics I carry. We all have these … I guess some we may not have known, but I’m pretty sure they’re there; lurking in the background.

For Me, one such lovely creation, is my maternal Nan.

I guess I didn’t fully appreciate who she really was and all her strengths, whilst she was alive. But thats typical isn’t it … never really appreciating what you have until its gone.

I do believe though, that even after these people, or things, that have ‘touched’ our lives, have gone, they leave an imprint and therefore never truly ‘leave’ us.

My Nan was raised during the Wars and lived through the Depression. Her and her sisters and brother, lived a life that was hard but also full of ‘learning’ rarely seen nowadays. They were able to ‘play’, create and work like we spend half of our lifetimes trying to get a little taste of.

Nan was especially sensitive to the ‘pain’ of others … and I believe this is one part of her that I inherited. Not that I’ve seen it as a blessing really; but I’ve come to appreciate what it was in her … how she ‘outworked’ that insight. Nan knew when to touch my hand; pat my head; tuck me in; make me macaroni cheese; ring to talk or listen; she knew when to tell a story about where she came from and what she was raised like; she knew when to laugh about the funny things she had experienced; she knew how to love Me.

From her also comes my creativity; my need for peace; my love for ‘pretties’; my love for Shoes!! My intuition and my ability to design … to see beauty when others don’t. My love for dance and music.

My Nan was all these things … and she was what would be termed now, as ‘mentally ill’ … but in her era she was labelled ‘neurotic’, over emotional and over sensitive. As a woman, I get what they did to her now. She was an outspoken woman. A woman well before her time. A entrepreneur and a business woman. And she pissed men off … especially doctors and ‘professionals’. And instead of showing her the compassion and understanding that she showed others, they fried her with ECT first and then pharmaceuticals second. In my lifetime though, she overcame both of those things and still lived hard and gritty. She was still running her own business when she was in her eighties … nearly 5 years before she died.

I miss her. Everyday. I do wish I had’ve really appreciated everything that she was. But I am eternally grateful that She Was! That subtlely, she taught Me; to trust Me; to also say what I need too … even when no-one agrees, or likes what I say – I managed to get that one down packed alright!

I love that she is My Nan. I love that I am her moko, and that she loved Me massively. That she is Me and I am Her. That she left Me stories to tell. That she left me with endurance and strength.

“I Love You Nan …. Thankyou for your songs … Thankyou for your presence xoxo”

#1 Nan & Me

#1 Nan & Me

365 reasons to smile ~ 224.

224. We had some sad news last night … and I’m struggling to find something to smile about.

I get that it’s not all smiles and cheese balls all the time. And strangely enough, as I’ve made my way through this little project, its gotten easier to smile at something, well to notice it anyway … it’s gotten easier to remember to be grateful, for what I have, but more importantly, who I am!

So while I am struggling with the ‘smile’ factor today …. I am grateful for:

  • having ptsd – why you ask?

It’s made me aware … responsive … its made me ‘take notice’ …

It’s added to my resilience … my empathy … my need to ‘overcome’ …

It’s taught me to slow down … that not everything is necessary … that the things that are truly truly important, are the things that I should spend my precious time on.

That time is limited … to do away with the bullshit and retain only the stuff that I love. Always.

moving day gratitude

Tomorrow is the mokos (and their parents) moving day … to the BIG house. .. that’ll fit them all in … with the pool … and no more mildew or damp … with heating .. .and ventilation … and a lawn … a big lawn … and a bedroom each … and one of those air / heat transfer thingys, so every room is nice and warm and damp free … and fresh air … and trees … and lots of windows … and hills … and space … so much space …

Can you tell I’m excited for them!! Well I am …

And …

I am also aware … well, we all are … that this has come at a cost for them … that it has been a long long long time coming … that they have waited patiently; and while they have found what they need … there are still of masses of peeps that will lay their heads … nowhere else but the concrete tomorrow … that they will still be living out of their cars tomorrow … that they’ll still be in their damp overcrowded houses tomorrow … that they’ll still be homeless tomorrow.

I am grateful that me and the partner; my brother and nephew; my mama; my daughters and my beautiful mokos have homes to live in; food to eat; water to drink and a place to lay our heads.

xxooxx

Always grateful.

365 reasons to smile ~ 185.

185. I woke up this morning and was sitting outside in this freezing cold weather … as I do … and I had another one of those ‘moments’…

Where I feel grateful and appreciative of where I am … who I am … right now.

Even though shits been a little rough over the last little while … I am still OK. I love our whare (house), and where I live … I love hearing the waves crash everyday all day … I love the fresh salt air … I love being able to walk round the corner and see tangaroa (the ocean) at his finest …

I think I feel content.

So this moment, at this time … who I am … makes me smile 🙂