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today was cake day …

not cos it was actuals cake day, or my actual birth date …

but yeah, let me break it down:

as i’ve said, i’m doing birthday month, a new tradition for me.

& i can feel shit changing … not sure how to explain it entirely, so i’m not even going to try really … suffice to say … its good … its awkward … but its good.

so this weekend, i had 4 things left on my list of birthday shizz, that i wanted to do.

one was toasting marshmallows … i know, what a geek … but holy fuck i had fun! i was spose to them outside but it rained. & as much as i love the rain, do you know how hard it is to keep a fire going in the rain lol. so inside it was.

the trifecta!

& that was done whilst doing number two on my list:

Avengers: The End Game.

yes, i am a marvels geek & i embrace it whole heartedly!!! & what an ending … ps: i had tears lol!

moving on to saturday, the plan was to be in public, in the daytime, to get number 3 done … i had burgers to get.

i wrote a wingey little tale a week or so ago about not being able to go & get these burgers & how fucked up it is having pts(d); especially on days when yah really want to do something, but your body has other plans!

anyway, my burger cart returned to a semi-close vicinity so i took it as a sign from the goddesses, sucked my shit up, & decided to go. my end goal was 1 burger … anything after that was a bonus.

i did dark glasses & ear plugs & descended on the hood …

& guess what … i fucken did it!!!

dare i say, the worlds best burgers!

& every little bite felt like a fucking victory!!!

oh, & then i got coffee ;) not the worlds best-best coffee, but i wasn’t getting cocky … fuck i managed to order it & wait for it!

its was aight ;)

i did a couple low key shops after that & then started to feel jaded. overall though, i was pretty proud of me :)

sundays mish was the final thing on my list … & that was to make myself a banana birthday cake! i love banana cake <3 the thing with cakes & gifts & expectational shit, is sometimes it turns out to be a big fat disappointment. so birthday month was completely about doing, being & getting exactly what i liked & wanted.

so i made my own cake … & it was fucking gangstah!!!!

#boom! those are marshmallows with hot butter & brown sugar drizzled over top, with a topping of walnuts :)

my final surprise, which i think was amazing timing, was the arrival of a special gift from a special part of ‘my new tribe’. an amazing artist … a caring soul … & a beautiful friend xx this completely topped my day off!!

thankyou @gardengoddess , i love it <3

thankyou my friend … i love my scarf <3

so thats my weekend. i’m completely shattered but in a satisfied kinda way! couple more days till the end of the month & i am happy with all that i’ve ‘achieved’ & enjoyed.

i’ll explain in a couple days, a bit more about the significance for me, for all of this. until then .. i need to sleep.

love & loads of light to everyone x


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

gratitude.

’tis an easy attitude to have, when you have plenty to lose from.

JS.


kpm©


 

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todays news:

I opened FB for the early morning updates and found an old work colleague had died last night.

He had been sick for a long time, but being as stubborn as he was, he had battled for years … won, got sick again and now his body had finally decided to rest.

So I’m reminded again, that life is a gift. And you only get one go. There are no do-overs.

I thank my tipuna for the beginning of my mokos life.

And I thank the atua for the life that has moved on and I had the privilege of knowing.

Rest easy my old friend <3


kpm ©


 

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i feel like i owe an explanation …

Not really, but just cos.

Ever felt like that?

It just seems that there’s a few more people mincing round my blog than there used to be … and not everyone ends up on the explanation (or about …) page … and even though a lot of the newbies to my Blog are penis enhancer sales-peeps and / or flash make up and life hack peeps (and no offence to yous … you gotta do your do’s and make your living somehow ay! Righteous :) ) …

Anyway … yah get my drift right?

I mean I do with blogs I follow … there’s those that I follow like a stalker … that have been round since I began … that I consider friends …. and then there are those that I’m getting to know, slowly … or those that I don’t completely get but there’s some good shizz on their blogs so I catch up regularly … yah get me ay … We aint all gonna be up in each others grill 24/7 to know everything about one another … but I’m grateful for the ‘connections’ I have made with people here …

Sooo…

The explanation?

I’m not going to do links, just the quick heads up …

I started this Blog in March 2015 … I’d never done anything like this before and had stopped writing in the early 90s when my diary was used to effectively separate Me from my children when I decided to leave my husband at the time.

Yep … I learn ;)

But finding myself in one hell of a fucked up state by 2015 … having been medically discharged in 2010, I had lived without an income for nearly 4 years. Physically, I was completely housebound, could no longer drive and could barely handle being in a vehicle. In this state, my partner finally gave in to my nagging and we moved to the beach.

Reason being … I figured if I was housebound I would rather that I was able to open the window and hear the ocean and smell the salt air, than be saturated with city sounds.

What we didn’t know then, was I was displaying all the symptoms of chronic pts(d), and had been for some time – well actually, all my life. At this time, I knew there was something drastically wrong or ‘altered’, but I was running out of energy. I had tried everything I knew to do and things against my better judgment … aka a raft of medications ‘to try’ … I had a list of ‘women’s issues’ stacking up next to the list of pills that weren’t working.

Before we moved to the beach I took myself off’ve all the medications I had been given and it hurt like a bitch. I stayed with my sedatives and that’s the only one I still take when I need too.

My reasoning re medications was similar to my reasoning for moving to the beach. What was I going to lose / gain? I had lost count of the amount of changes to medications they had tried, and ALL of them had fucked Me over more than assist Me in some type of functioning.

I had no money, no job, and was running out of the will to be alive … and don’t get that twisted … I don’t do suicide but have nothing against it … soz to all the non-suicidal peeps. It’s another whole part of my story thats in and around the Blog somewhere. I’d never take my life because I have kids / mokos. If I didn’t have them, then I don’t know if I’d be this way. My kids are the reason I lived this long.

Anyway … with not much to lose you tend to get quite focused. I knew I needed to recover, rest … whatever … I wasn’t sure from what or why. I had asked for assistance from everyone / agency / professionals I knew to ask … but unfortunately, you be a brown, poor, biological woman and you will find yo’self on the bottom of every list … You are not a priority.

And that’s how we ended up out here.

I finally got a diagnosis, after the fact and after one hell of a big ass complaint and one hell of a good shrink (well, psychologist ..) who helped and tried to empower … and did so without the promise of cash. She jumped through those hoops and got fucked up the bureaucratic asshole for it! But I am forever appreciative for what she did for Me.

So here I am 3 years after starting this Blog. I started with a view to being able to vent … find my voice … remember what I couldn’t … document what I needed too … remember how far I’d come … figure out who I was … who I was Now … sift out the lies from the truth … flip a script or two and redefine who I want to Be Now.

And that brings Me to the here and Now.

Theres been lots of changes, in my life, and on this Blog. And I guess, my Blog is pretty much a reflection of who I am and what I do on the Reals.

I am what I am.

So after that long-winded explanation … I wanna thank those that have stuck around those that drop in and occasionally make chit-chat or encourage Me … those that like my posts (yes, penis enlargers included lol) … those that can get past my sailors mouth and blasphemy lol and can take what I say as how its intended …

I appreciate the hell out of all y’all ;)

Most of all though … right now, I am pretty fucking stoked with myself … I know the shit I’ve endured, have flipped, am still trying to flip … I am fucking stoked to have found my voice … I think that’s what it’s about really … finding the feng to my shui ;)

Anywho … thanks for reading and Love and Light ;)


our beach <3

kpm ©


 

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unfuck.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

This is an old photo … another borrowed one from the pts(d) expression series.

Theres abit of internal fuckery going on as I’m still making my way through all my photos and trying to regain storage space … which, I might add, I’ve managed to from 70% used down to 55% … Churr to Me ;) … but as I wade through the old ‘views’, I’ve been struck by how dam accurate some of them are (for Me), and how intricate our delicate little minds and bodies are … to be able to ‘feel’ something and ‘explain’ it in layers of photography. For Me its been a huge relief … to just be able to ‘describe’ something that I cant with words, within a photograph.

Sometimes it has felt dark, but not so dark that you can’t see at all, but dark enough that the view is ‘different’.

What I’m beginning to realise in all this fuckery, is that it’s ALL alright.

It’s my mind and body and souls way of trying to heal myself … of trying to make sense of the senseless.

Today I am grateful.

xo


kpm ©


 

RIP little man

I haven’t been able to talk about this much, partly because it’s not mine to talk about. That’s how I feel about things that aren’t ‘mine’ or my story, so to speak.

But during the fortnight that was…the day we moved here actually…a little boy went missing from this community.

We didn’t hear about it for a couple of days…because we didn’t have power…TV…internet

and I’m quite revolted to say…we were fully self-absorbed with our own pathetic grief and misery over having to move houses.

We completely missed what was going on around us.

We found out when the partner went to the shop a couple of days later and the ‘community’ was discussing it. He came home and told me…and I gave it a moment…then continued complaining about our shit hole house.

Nearly 5 days later and the little boy still wasn’t found…and there were helicopters and cops and search and rescue, swarming the town. There was media on every corner…and there aren’t that many corners in this place! It was a bit like the twilight zone.

And I did, what I do…I analysed. Partially due to the over priced Criminology degree and partially because…well because that’s what I do.

And much to everyone’s horror…they found the little boy…a week later…dead.

Now, this is not my story to tell…so I’m not going to.

But I will say how all this has effected my world…my world view.

– I got scared. Not because he was missing, but because I knew what had probably happened to him…and this is my safe place…and its not safe anymore.

So purely self fish motives. Me me me. How this affects my precious little world.

Good lord…what a twat!

And then I have the cheek to get annoyed with the locals for worrying about their ‘land and house values’…’how is this going to reflect on our community’ bullshit.

Really, I am as self fish and self-centred as these assholes.

Sooo

Me and the partner went to the memorial service they had for this little boy…and it was shit. A lot of trumpet blowing about how glorious the community is and how they all stand around singing happy songs in times of grief and we will rise again…blah blah, that sort of political bullshit.

But…during this service, ‘they’ (the white locals), let the local Maori, (who by the way, owned most of the land we live on here, until it was sold out or swindled out from underneath them) have 3 minutes to say a token prayer.

And to his credit…he took that token prayer and blitzed the living shit out of it…

He recited an ancient ‘prayer’…the kind that sends chills up your spine if your listening for it.

And me and the partner dropped our heads…and finally wept.

Wept for a 10-year-old little boy who had his little life cut short.

Then we left the whiteys to it and went down to the beach in the dark and washed our faces with salt water and said another prayer.

And that’s where we have left it. That’s where we have let him and what happened to him, rest.

I’ve learnt more about myself in the last week than I think I’ve learnt in the last year. That life is short…too short for some. And while I am ‘unwell’ at present…I’m not going to let that define me the way I have for the past 4 or 5 years.

Because life is short.

And I don’t have a heads up on the expiry date.

So RIP little man. Rest well.

I’m sorry the world is full of self fish assholes…like me…like them…like those that took your breath from you.

xo


kpm ©


 

grateful?

You’re in a heap

You have blanket

You’re a bum

I am not

I give you a dollar

You nod

Aren’t you grateful?

That I took time

To stop

And place my

Well earned dollar

Into your plastic

Cup?

Couldn’t you at

Least

Look up

And acknowledge

How awesome

I am

For having given

You a dollar?

My hard

Earned dollar?

I was expecting

Some gratitude

To make me

Feel complete

I was expecting

Some sort of

Groveling

To make me

Feel complete

My life is shit

And I enjoy

Giving

Shouldn’t you

Show some

Gratitude

At least?


kpm ©


 

Dear Baby Girl

“On and on, i just keep on trying, and i smile when i feel like crying .” (by Aswad).

I’d sing you that to put you to sleep. A bit of a mantra for myself i suppose. But it worked every time. I loved holding you while you slept and yes i am responsible for you wanting your head patted every night…still. I selfishly enjoyed those moments because they were mine and yours, alone.

As it all went along, i still loved you. Immensely and immeasurably. I wanted to protect you from everything including me. I am so sorry if you felt abandoned or forgotten. You never did anything wrong and you could have never altered the outcome.

I have to make peace with all the demons that were put there long before you came along. I need to let go of the guilt and the hatred i have for myself for letting you down, letting you go. I have to make peace, with all of me, and you are part of me.

You are my first born and I am grateful that those that helped raise you, did an amazing job. They broadened your view. They taught and loved and cared and loved. They helped make you who you are today, as a woman, and as a mother. I am forever grateful.

But you were growen in me. And you are my baby. My first born baby girl. And that is something noone has ever or can ever take away from Me, or you. I grew you. I birthed you.

And i did good. Really really good. Because you are perfect.

Love you my girl
Xxoo


kpm©


 

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bright moon insomnia.

sometimes when i can’t sleep, i spend ages getting annoyed about trying to get to sleep then more annoyed because i’m not asleep.

but i’m learning slowly, that its ok to be as i am.

awake or trying to sleep.

it doesn’t really matter.

the other night i went outside, after waking up in a sweaty, shaking mess. i sat there for awhile, trying to ‘re-ground’, or re-orientate myself.

then i noticed the light. it was so bright for such a late hour. finally, looking up, i saw the biggest, brightest moon i think i’ve ever seen, or at least, noticed. and it was beautiful!

then it occurred to my brilliant self, that if i had’ve been asleep -or pissed cos i couldn’t go to sleep – i never would have seen this!

today i am grateful for not being able to sleep.


ig @kpm-artist