i think i get it now ..

those that were always changing & growing, are still doing that.

those that had their heads up their asses, are still doing that.


kpm©


 

randoms :

thoughts that is.

its been nearly a week since i’ve taken up residence in my new whare. & holy shiet .. its what expected & what i didn’t expect.

for example:

i’m currently sitting in my favourite chair, staring out the window / sliding door, & i can see the sun setting. i can see the clouds moving across the sky & i can hear the roar of the waves & tawhirimatea (wind god) blowing around the house. the house is light .. by sight & by ‘feel’ .. its .. beautiful.

& i can smell, nothing. no damp. no mould. no dust. nothing.

my senses are freaking out (goodly) @ nothing. its kind of hard to explain. but every now & then it feels way overwhelming, but in a good way. & that just doesnt make a bit of sense to me lol.

i’m taking it in. enjoying. mellowing.

every now and then i can feel anxiety reaching for my toes, my legs, my chest .. & then it dissipates. i like that.

whats strangest of all sensations .. is i feel safe here. safer than i think i have ever felt in my entire life. & i know thats not just the environment.

its me.

me.

i’m changing.

& i like it.


kpm ©


 

i have a feeling.

ewww, IKR.

but i have this feeling. that i’m going to confront him. do for myself what should have been done for me years & years & years ago.

it makes my gutt turn … but …


kpm ©


 

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moko & big dig big ups

before the month declined slightly, i didn’t get the chance to post the beginning of said month, & that it was awesome starting this gregorian year off with my eldest moko.

this year he’ll be 11 … eeek.

he’s so gorgeous & such a lovely kid.

i’d asked him what he wanted to do for ‘new years’ & he reckoned he wasn’t fussed … just staying awake was an achievement ! so we did pizza & the beach earlier in the evening & then watched everyone elses fireworks from the comfort of our backyard ;)

lame photo of the ‘fireworks’ i know. but let me just point out my achievement for  this night.

i haven’t ‘done’ fireworks displays for years & definitely haven’t gone out to take pics of any recently lol. yep, fireworks are all the usual pts(d) fuckery – loud, bright, random. this is the first year in fucking years i smiled @ them – hence the photo being shit lol.

so high-fucking-five me !

the following couple days before moko went home to his fams, he said he was missing his baby brother & told me all about how he got him up in the mornings & they’d have a chat (moko #9 is the newbie & he’s 4 months old) & then moko #1 would put bubba in his chair & turn on a specific cartoon for him, which apparently loves. i thought this was awesome & asked him why he does it. he says to me: so mama can have a sleep & cos i love him.

like i said, he’s a lovely kid.

anyway … the day before moko went home, we went to a ‘big dig’ – the purpose was to dig for 4 hours to hopefully find a plastic token & thusly win a corresponding prize.

he didn’t find anything & think he was over it within the first hour, but he persevered lol.

for me, it was a bit of a fucked up ‘achievement’. my beach was packed … & i mean packed (for our area anyways). not indicative of calm & tranquility, especially at this time of the year … but i sucked it up … well actually, breathed it out … & went down.

no-one but me really recognised the achievement, but oh well: you don’t always get a high five for the shit yah do ay.

have i mentioned i love my mokos?

they make life good xox


kpm ©


 

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unfucking.thyself & slowly.succeeding !

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

in amongst the week(s) that have been, both tiring & awesome … we celebrated moko 5’s 5th birthday.

part of my goals this year, have been to attend all the mokos birthdays & i knew this one was going to be full on. it also came at the end of the weekend after the exhibition, so was even more full on for sensitive little moi lol.

but i did it & did it well.

moko #5 is gorgeous. she’s so herself it’s almost intimidating lol, no actually, it’s inspiring & challenging. with the greatest of ease she is able to say what she needs, say what she doesn’t need, express her opinion and dislike and most importantly, express her love. she’s lovely to watch <3

what was also beautiful was seeing mokos #5’s family all over the place. she had her cousins from all sides … aunties, uncles, nans & grandads, all there celebrating with her. the awesome thing about moko #5’s mama is the connections she makes, and keeps, with all of her family … near & far – she’s managed to keep in touch with them all & make them part of the mokos lives. it’s a pretty cool thing to watch unfold … cos i know, they will never be alone and never be lacking in support and love. what more could a nanny ask for <3


kpm ©


 

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sexual politics of religion: pt 1 & 2

addendum: which is ironic as i havent even published the fucking thing yet … anywho … this has been sitting in my drafts and i’ve been tutuing with it, editting, adding and adjusting … and it doesnt feel right, so i’ve left it for awhile …

and this morning, i’m here again, but this time i’m like … ” Fuck It … just post the fucking thing as it is and do the updates on it later “…

Reason being: i think i’m holding onto it and silencing myself … again … and because this post is in a long winded way, exactly what i’m trying to UNDO … it’s important that i just throw it out there … it’s a whole layer of me that i haven’t ‘done’, and that shit is coming to an end.

so … roll on ;)


original draft:

in a couple posts so far i’ve said that i’ve been dreaming vividly, and the following train of thought came from one of these dreams. it has to do with religion, conformity, norms, recovery and discovering who i am.

gonna do this in 2 parts, possibly a few parts lol, cos i’m still putting my pieces together. as i do.

i’m gonna start with religion. specifically, my experience of religion and being brought up in a ‘christian’ environment.

keep in mind that the sexual assaults on my little personage started around the 3 year old mark and ‘christianity’, as i remember it, was introduced to my world at about 4 or 5 years old.

sexual assault on its own fucks with the feng shui, trust, physical boundaries, instincts and decision making, to name but a few. repeated assault (physical, psychological and emotional) produce a hyperarousal state whereby the assault-ee is in constant assessment and reaction mode/s.

right, that said, heres my dissection of religion as it pertains to me and my experience.

.

i came across an article the other day, to do with religious trauma. they call it religious trauma syndrome.

in the article it describes the effects of religious trauma, or being under the influence of a tyrannical religious influence for prolonged periods, as : fear, anxiety, flash backs, panic attacks, nightmares, depression, cognitive difficulties and issues with social functioning.

because this type of religious entity requires conformity to fit in, non-conformity reigns down the wrath of god, figuratively – the wrath of those ‘in charge’, literally.

as i said before, my introduction to the Assemblies of God church was at about 4 or 5 years of age, and that was in 1977-78. i got completely clear of the church for the first time when i was about 16 or 17. everything that i did after that was smothered with guilt and the prospect of going to hell. my daughter was taken from me based on the theory that i was not conforming to a normal christian lifestyle, which including drinking and hanging out with non-christians.

i know right!

throughout my mothering ‘career’ i came up against a number of ‘controls’ that tried to use my daughters as a means to make me comply. when i did not, i was psychological punished; sometimes, physically punished with the threat of having the kids taken from me.

add to all of this a large helping of mental and emotional torture which i fought against but fought alone.

i completely ditched any and all churches in my 30s and when my children were about 12 and 7. i was completely and utterly damned for it and ostracised from friends and those i had come to consider as family.

i don’t regret the decision and still have absolutely no interest in any religion.

it’s taken years to chip off the after effects of all that indoctrination though. not that i ever believed what they preached entirely, but it was rather hard to say you didn’t believe in something or ask questions or ask for details, when the answer was always : because god said.

that was never enough for me.

as the years have gone on and i’ve managed to figure out that organised religion has nothing to do with spirituality or ‘god’; that god is what ever and whoever you feel comfortable with them being to you.

but to this day, i will literally sprint from organised religious nut jobs and their speeches, quicker than you can say: ‘go’.

i have had enough to deal with the assaults and add a thick layer of religious mayhem to that, and i realised, i’ve been a busy bitch, trying to piece myself back together … back to what i was intended to be before others peoples ideals, beliefs and sicknesses fucked with me.

religious freakiness and all its controlling techniques are pretty much like a pedo grooming and assaulting. the after effects are also similar.

it occurred to me today: that i have more grit and determination and fight for life, than i thought i had.

i am pleased i have a questioning streak; that i will not conform to anothers ‘shoulds’ or suggestions, just because they ask or demand it of me. that instinct in me has kept me alive and kept me searching for better.

that makes me as gangstah as fuck.


part 2, ish.


if you know anything about christianity, you’ll know a lot of their teachings focus on the damnation of ‘sexuality’. i was going to say homosexuality, but really, this lot condemns more than just sexual orientation.

they teach abstination of desire, exploration, sexual boundaries and orientation. all things sexual are considered sinful (punishable by hell) unless you are married.

in my personal experience, by the time i hit my teens i wasn’t really ‘interested’ in being sexual or experimenting or discovering. i’d had more than my fair share of invasive, demeaning and damaging sexual experiences.

like the sexual assault on me as an infant, any and all sexual experiences thereafter were experienced through the lens of guilt and damnation. at no time do i remember there being any lessons on what reasonable exploration was about. or even what sexuality and intimacy was about. in my mind it was all dirty. all of it. and unfortunately, my very early experiences did nothing to dissuade that thought pattern. christianity’s teachings actually just compounded it.

and this isn’t adding to the mixture how society views female sexuality, desire and / or their choices.


part 3, later. maybe.


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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the.unfucking.of.thyself…again.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

Ohh, haven’t been here in awhile.

Today marked another change for Me and kinda reminded Me that I am slowly but surely becoming un-fucked. Lol … I know.

It’s a slow process. This whole deal has been a fucking slow process indeed. But I’m reminded that all the best ‘alternative’ treatments or ways of doing something that hasn’t really been tried before, is slow, in the traditional sense of the word.

But really … shit takes as long as it takes. It’s only Us and society that put limits on how long something should or shouldn’t take.

Nature does as it pleases. We think we can decide when it should be winter and summer etc and we please dates and times on those seasons … but at the end of the day, nature knows exactly what its doing and it changes when it’s good and ready.

So back to Me.

My ‘journey’ re reconciling pts(d) has been one hell of a grind. I’m an A.Typical pts(d) survivor. Traditional ‘treatment’ hasn’t worked. Medication has had minimal to No effect and in some instances has actually fucked shit up more.

But I try. I research. I try alternatives.

Seclusion. Reduction. Calm. Dark. Preparation.

Near Paleo diet. Organic. High dose vitamin C.

These are the things that have help to reduce the stress and cortisol from the adrenalin pump, for Me.

I’m still trying new things and figuring my shit out daily.

Whew, long intro lol.

So today I had one of my bestest friends in this whole wide miserable world, visit Me, and I got to meet her new partner.

What I hadn’t noticed (which in itself was a win) until about an hour into their visit; after a coffee and non-stop talking and laughing and general catchups … is a hadn’t flinched (as in panicked or had an flutter of anxiety) At All.

When I noticed I started to feel abit of anxiety so didn’t focus to much on it and continued talking.

Nearly 3 hours later … which I must say, I have Not done in a very very very very … very long time … they were set to leave and I wanted them to stay :)

I realised I had missed that feeling … the friendship feeling … that feeling of being in the company of someone who knows you and lets you be yourself … that feeling of being able to talk shit for hours and not feel tired … I had fucking Missed this!!

And today I embraced every little minute and loved every little minute and was so proud of Me afterwards, but more stoked that I had done a solid catchup with a beautiful friend and soaked up everything instead of checking with the time and wanting it all to be over.

It kinda proved my theory as well … that I need to be around those that love Me … and let Me be who I am … quirks and all.

Life is too fucking short to waste time on those that couldn’t really give a fuck about yah.

So, thats it.

That’s my moment of realising just how far I’ve come and how un-fucked I am becoming.

And I love it.


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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the.unfucking.

This little succulent has weathered a lot of storms, bad gardening practices (yep .. Me), and quite a few shifts in its little life. And although I’m not really a succulent plant lover, At. All … I had to admire this little dude. Last time I looked at him he was looking a little ‘bleh’, yah know, like he was on his last legs … I pretty much did the last rites and rituals and waved goodbye.

And here he is … still kicking it … and looking pretty perky I must say.

Mindfulness Moment?

Don’t be to quick to give up on something that looks like it may have kacked out … there may be a shot of life left in there, if given the right circumstances ;)


kpm ©


 

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the.unfucking.

I must say, my pumpkin plants amuse the living shit out of Me. They feel like compadres actually.

You know, I planted them all in a nice little row (actually, I thought they were zucchini seeds at the time of planting … but oh well lol), into the soil like I thought I should … and initially they grow up in straight little lines …

And then … well, then they just proceeded to do whatever the fuck they wanted to do!

This specimen is the one of the last to sprout and he’s found his way up the hill (from his place of planting), and onto our back shed. And as you can see, he’s gone up, down and back up. He’s got huge leaves and even a growing pumpkin hanging from one of those feeler-ly thingys.

Made respect to the pumpkin plants and their ‘fuck you, I won’t grow where you want Me too … attitude’.

Much Respect ;)

<3


kpm ©


 

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official. unfucking.

Had to do 2 photographs today, cos the angle of one just didn’t quite capture my excitement … oh, or their beauty.

Yep, I grew beetroots!

This is nearly 3 years of learning, learning and learning some more … how to something grow from a seedling to an actual real live ready to eat plant / vegetable. Many attempts and epic fails have come before this glorious little achievement … and my best-est teacher has been Nature :)

Thankyou Paptuanuku.

<3


kpm ©


 

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growth.

new growth comes … eventually.


kpm ©