hearing app:

ever noticed how declaring your body is no longer up for open access to others, is usually met with a deaf hush.

well, its time to unplug the non-hearing fucker or jog on.


kpm ©


 

speaking …

listen, ascertain, seek clarification

.

you know, theres more said in whats not said.

.


kpm ©


 

ding.

my hearing is changing.

weird.


kpm©


 

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the ear plug update:

Bit of a shitty ass photo (taken on my shitty ass phone lol) … but these puppies finally arrived!!

I am still undecided as to whether they live up to their claim to ‘blocking sound’, but they are definitely more comfortable, I think because they’re smaller, than those ugly foamy things.

The next phase of this whole sound proofing Me will be noise minimising head phones that can go over these and that I can play music through … while my little recycled headphones work pretty good at home when I’m desperate … they are really heavy to wear for long periods of time.

Fussy? Mabes .. .but hey it’s all trial and era ;)


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

ear plug update:

Yep, they semi-worked good.

Not as good as the drugs though.

#JS


kpm ©


 

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todays experiment …

I’ve bleated on about my super duper sensitive hearing many times before on this blog. This is kind of one of those … but not really ;)

Pts(d) and all its glory … means that my hearing has alerted Me to ‘danger’ and has also been the trigger for my adrenaline to start pumping. Yah. It’s a continuous battle between ‘over-hearing’ and not hearing at all. It’s always seemed necessary to hear, so I am alerted to some impending doom and can therefore respond … and Not being able to hear, like over certain loud noises etc, has also sent Me into a panic fuck at times … because I can’t hear. Grrr.

Well the other day I HAD to go to the shop … theres no other cunt here and I needed smokes … yes I know … the shit you’ll go to the shop for!!

So I drugged up … of course … and still felt panicky as fuck. I had my usuals … sunglasses, orange, my stick, my music etc, and was feeling like a super retard but didn’t particularly give a flying fuck (thanks to the drugs :) ) … but I was still floating on a level 6 panic fuck.

I decided to ring my daughter for moral support … cos that might help … according to one of those self help manual thingees. And she was lovely and it helped … sort of … I got off the phone and was at a 4 – 4 1/2 maybe. But still not confident about being out in the big wide world … *rolling my eyeballs here … theres nothing like reviewing shit after the fact argh ….*

Somewhere in there it occurred to Me to put my ear plugs in.

Well … my fuck …

Everything dropped into near silence … including my insides.

At a semi confident 1 – 1 1/2, I set off to the shop.

No fucking sweat!!!

OMFG … why hadn’t I done this earlier in my life???

So, just in case it was a fluke, I am experimenting with these puppies today to see if it decreases the anxiety ~ panic fuck!!

So far I’ve missed one phone call and all the noise coming from the neighbours thumping around. I can still hear D’Angelo playing off’ve my computer (yes, super duper hearing) … but all the other ‘white noise’ or background noise is cut out!

Because I usually get jumpy when Not being able to hear, I had to do a little assessment of what was better at this time … what I could deal with.

My doors are locked … I have weapons in case of surprise attack … the usual stuff. And I think I’ll be alright if I miss a door knock or if someone shows up un-announced … it usually scares the shit out of Me whether I can hear it or not!

So, I think I’m prepared.

I’ll let you know how it goes and if anyone gets hurt :)


kpm ©


 

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remember the headphone conundrum???

Hearing sensitivity 101 …

  • when shits loud to you, its super duper loud to Me
  • when shit gets stressful, that super duper loud gets turned up a notch
  • add a sprinkling of menopause, and it goes up a couple more notches
  • place a big fat dollop of anxiety and pts(d) panic fuck on top of that …. and it goes up by another 10 notches.

I think I’ve described it like fingernails on a chalk board, times 100 and that could only slightly compare to the discomfort and anxiety fuck that is a hearing sensitivity.

Add the pts(d) in and it’s like NOT being able to see, hear and speak all in a moment.

I figured noise cancelling headphones would lessen that whole scenario from happening. Awesome!

Fuck off! Turns out the bastards that would work for Me are somewhere north of $800 in price … which is cool … if I had an income!

Sooooo ….

I solved it by my own brown self …

Someone gave Me a pair of sleep phones … which by the way are shit for sleeping in and Do Not, I repeat, Do Not cancel out noise! … So I took those and my trusty run down Sony headphones, sorta kinda combined the 2, doubled the padding in the headphone bit and came out with these beauties.

Now compared to the industrial headgear for mowing lawns in … these work 90% better … in my learned hearing opinion anyways! Once I completely seal the sides I should have myself a nearly 100% sound fucking proof situation going on!!

Fuck I’m Neat ;)


kpm ©


 

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well that was a shit sleep …

Not that it wasn’t a ‘lights out’ sleep … cos sedatives will do that to yah!

But what I realised this morning was I was as tense as fuck. My muscles, or lack of them, were tight, like I’d been for a 5 mile hike, up-hill, non-stop. Not that I actually know what that feels like per se, but I imagine that it’d feel like I did this morning.

Now I’m used to waking up sweating or crying or being jolted awake from hideous ass dreams and feeling like someones shoved a hot poker into my chest … yeah … thats kinda normal for Me. And generally I roll with it …

But this morning I don’t remember having any nightmares – mind due that could be due to the drug induced coma I’ve been putting myself into of late – I just felt tense as fuck.

The run on thought from that was that is exactly what I’ve been feeling like for weeks …

That is also what I used to feel like all the time.

A. Kudos I’ve had a lull in that fuckery

B. How do I get back to the non-tense Me?

My guess is my pts(d) senses are on overdrive for some unknown reason … but generally they’re not wrong … or they’re still spiking and I haven’t figured out the starting point and the Why.

So I’ll let that one settle for the next few days … trying to be aware of what the fuck is going on in my insides … My guess is though … ewww … here we go:

it probably has something to do with the flashback I had a few months ago … the one where I couldn’t breathe. Literally. I could feel weight on my personage and it was overwhelming, frightening and heavy. I let it simmer … knowing it’d make it’s way to the surface eventually.

I think ‘eventually’ has arrived.

At night I can ‘see’ an outline of a large figure standing in my way. Everywhere I turn, there he is. Just out of reach but close enough to smell and ‘feel’.

And … It’s no fucking wonder I’ve been petrified of everything lately …

FML.

Anyway … in all that conundrum, I’ve been trying to find noise cancelling ear muffs to counteract the noise sensitivity.

I found these fuckers:

Turns out they are way out of my price range, so it’s back to finding what I can do with what I have.

This little combo (industrial ear muffs and ear plugs) doesn’t cancel out all noise but muffles it to about 85% – thats my best guess-ta-mation anyways.

The ‘issue’ is that this combo completely and utterly magnifies ‘echoes’; as in, I can hear my heart beat ultra loudly; I can hear my footsteps ultra loudly; any tapping on the side of the ear muffs themselves, produces a hideous echo right throughout my ear drums and down my spine.

Yeah, so thats that.

Then theres this combo:

My trusty headphones (not noise cancelling and falling to bits slowly), music and earplugs.

Now with the sound on ‘medium’, which is my comfortable … I can still hear everything going on around Me, but slightly muffled. If I hit the side of the headphones they echo slightly but not as much as the ear muffs.

So the latter is my choice of ‘ear wear’ for now until I can find something else.

My hope is that if I can lessen the ‘din’ that is going on, I can lessen abit of the muscle tightening anxiety … because honestly, I’m gonna run out of sedatives at this rate.

And this is the day that is a pts(d) fuck.


kpm ©


 

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like them

and like them,

they said it was ok.

with their mouths.

.

but their eyes.

said something different.

and their souls.

.

yes I can see them.

.

their souls said a completely different

thing.

.

watch my hands.

i’ll sell you something

you don’t need.


kpm ©