“I’m having a break … got shit to do …” *insert the largest eye ball roll ever* lol.
So I woke up with my feng shui panties in a bunch … so here I am.
1st the flash / dream that disrupted my 4 hours of sleep .. and yes my sleeping feng shui is also up the shitter at present … but we rolling with it …
It’s the dream I hate. The one that shows up every few months of late and fucks with Me. It smells like a memory but comes in a dream. I try hard not to dwell on it cos I know it’ll unfold as it wants, when it wants. I’ve learnt theres no point stressing over it, or picking it to bits too much … as untimely, annoying, and disturbing as it is, when it happens … I’m learning that it seems to come when my ‘being’ thinks I can handle it. … PS: I’ve had words with ‘my being’ and told it it’s full of shit, but it don’t listen lol.
So the dream … Me being pinned and not being able to move, breath, speak. The difference this time was I was standing upright with glass type thing between Me and the pedo. And I was bigger, not small like I usually am. I still couldn’t breath properly, and had small raspy breaths but this time, although I felt scared, I could feel that I was looking for solutions. I was fully aware of what that fuck was doing to my body, but I could also see myself looking around, from side to side; trying to look for someone, to get attention or help or something … I also tried to scream and instead of nothing coming out of my mouth, a fog horn type sound came out … like a hoarsey throat thing was happening.
I could feel that cunt on my skin, but also knew he was not aware that I was different … bigger … Not desperate, but thinking … I was more aware.
He wasn’t aware. Dick.
And then I felt myself starting to panic and forced myself awake. I woke with sound in my voice … like trying to cry but not being able too; disturbed, but OK. I knew I was awake and that I had had a dream.
I didn’t get up and go and have a smoke like I usually do. Instead I wrapped up in my fluffy blanket and went back to bed. The rest of the night was restless and I had to put my pillow on my chest … but I was Ok. And I am Ok.
As strange as it all sounds, this for Me … as I see it … is Progress.
I can see and feel the changes in my perspective.
It’s exciting and frightening all at the same time. And I didn’t think I’d ever hear myself say that.
I feel like I’m growing up … I know lol … moving from a cowering child to an angry adolescent to an awake, aware adult … who is getting bigger … almost big enough to do some mother fucking damage …
I can feel it happening …
So today I was going to do some important shit lol, but I’m going to paint instead … yeah, I got shit to unfold and don’t have the articulation for it (believe it or not ;) ) ….
I feel hopeful … Now thats weird … Cool … But weird.
Love and mother fucking light all day, all night xoxo
Nature decided it was actually going to do winter today and greeted Us with a big fat frost … Love this season <3