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reconciling the hormones #72

from pts(d) expression series #80 – Jan 7, 2017 @ 08:03

So I’m sort of back to the beginning, or there abouts, with these dam things. It’s an angst-tation cross between being a dissociative retard and actually having something physical going on.

What the fuck does that mean?

Well I’ve griped about this before, but as time ticks on, I can see a pattern emerging …

I’ve spent a life time NOT feeling shit. Not just emotion, but the physical feeling that goes with emotion. Yes, it seems as if theres a physical feeling associated with emotion. Just as there is a physical ‘feeling’ associated with being hungry, tired or in pain.

But did you know, that all the aforementioned ‘issues’ ‘feel’ very very similar and to fuck it up even more, they also ‘feel’ like hormonal fuckery and anxiety / panic fucks.

Yes, thats right, for Me, they all feel extremely similar.

So … what does one do when one feels one or all of these things happening or coming on?

  1. Hit the ground and breath deep
  2. Take a small amount of sedative
  3. Drink water
  4. Consult with stomach
  5. Try and eat something
  6. Take a pain killer
  7. Ice pack
  8. Peppermint essential oil
  9. Breath deeper
  10. Calming music
  11. Re check that I have eaten enough, drank enough.
  12. Re check and start at the beginning again until it (the panic fuck feeling and dizziness) subsides.

This has been Me on and off for the past couple days and feeling pretty over it. It’s kinda scary, so much so I may even go to the doctors arrghh.

Staying positive, whatever the fuck that means though.

Ok … trying to stay gangstah ;)

Love and light xo

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reconciling the hormones #71

Arrggghhh.

Thats all I have to say about that.

Oh okay, I shall expand.

Said hormones, be kicking my ass at the moment; and my-eth ass is laid up feeling sorry for itself.

There yah go :)

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reconciling the hormones #70

Soooo, the hormones ay … this is the current status of those puppies …

They are producing mind-boggling, skin inflamed rashes.

Now these aren’t ‘abnormal’ for Me … and I’ve had eczema for years on and off … thanks to my ultra sensitive skin. But this lot is wildly irritating and hair pullingly annoying. Made even more annoying by my decrease in antihistamines … which by the way, I only take when I absolutely have too … and yes, this was one such occasion.

The rashes seem to come with hot flushes and thank fuck the hot flushes seem to be subsiding, possibly due to the weather being a little cooler … not sure really.

I’m basically winging the hormone thing … still haven’t been to the doctors, cos captain obvious is bound to just state the obvious … ‘You possibly in peri-menopause and we can give you *such and such* drugs and hormones …’. Yeah, not doing that so I’ll save myself $40 and just roll with Aunty Google and natural remedies.

Which reminds Me, a friend has suggested Peppermint Essential Oil for the hot flushes … apparently it helps with the cooling down thing … so I’m gonna try that next week.

The panic attacks and anxiety are slowly subsiding which makes Me pretty certain that they are effected by hormone fuckery.

Oh the joy.

Seriously though, I am pleased I’m slowly piecing things together and am able to try ‘new’ natural things.

It all feels like progress and transition … oh and it’s definitely helped embracing it instead of dreading it.

xo

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reconciling the hormones #69

Ok.

So, apparently no biological woman has died from / during Menopause.

But …

Do we know if any partner of a menopausal woman, has been greviously harmed / killed during the course of them saying something extremely stupid to said menopausal woman?

*asking for a friend*

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reconciling the hormones #68

Hmmm what to say about the blessed hormones at the moment ??

Well …

  1. I’m due for my period according to my trusty calendar
  2. However, due to the fact that my memory is a shit collective at present, it is quite likely that I’ve entered the wrong ‘finish’ date and thus the wrong ‘start’ date has popped up.
  3. Yes. Thats what I’ve done forever, to map my little periodical hormones / symptoms etc etc.
  4. So boobs are starting to ache and that is a sure sign of impending period-ness.
  5. I’m shitty as fuck … but that could be period or meno-pausical symptoms ;)
  6. My ears keep popping, and the vertigo is off the charts at the mo.

Ahhh, so thats what I was going to ramble about, was the vertigo situation.

It gets worse around pre-period time even though the blessed doctor says my hormones have nothing to do with the vertigo situation; I think he’s all cack … and having never had a period himself, how the fuck is he supposed to tell Me that I am wrong … Pfft.

So, menopause wise … it kinda go-figures that if my normal is vertigoy at period time, then it would do the same at menopausal time .. Right?

Right.

So working on this theory … and having spent the last 2 days flat on my back (for a lot of the day anyways) or in some lotusy type position on the floor … the dizzy, vertigo feeling should pass within the next few days and return on the odd occasion just like a hot flush … hmmm

Right?

Right.

But just to throw a spanner in my theoretical works, I’ve realised that with the lessening of cigarettes, I am thusly coughing up some amazing looking gunk and my sinuses are doing some freaking shit which throws out my physical balance aka more fucking vertigo …. sooooo …

It could also be plausible that when all nicotine and other such shit is outta my system … and my sinuses and lungs have thusly adjusted … and my natural feng shui has returned to that of a 11 year old (when I started smoking … ), I could be feeling abit more balanced???

Right?

Right.

Well fucking hope so …

So, until I figure out abit more … Cheers to all biological women and their biological-ness ;) Yous have my sympathies and undying admiration!

reconciling the hormones #65

Random update of the fluctuating hormones:

  • today they’re kicking my ass
  • literally
  • in a nice iced lotus position
  • sucking in deep breathes
  • wondering when the fuck womanhood will be ‘fun’
  • dizzy as fuck
  • oh, did i mention, dizzy, like vertigo – dizzy as all Fuck
  • so, all the wonderful cleaning things that i need to do
  • yes, need … because we have a house inspection apopo (tomorrow)
  • yeah, well those bitches aren’t getting done whilst i’m sitting lotus style with ear plugs in, rocking backwards and forwards and trying to find my feng fucking shui
  • hormones … fuck y’all
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reconciling the hormones #64

A slightly topsy turvey week on the hormonal front … but I’m slowly getting the hang of it. It just means I can’t go as fast or as full on as I’d like too … it means I need to take regular ‘breaks’ (sounds ironic) from doing what I’m doing … and breath! The ice packs are helping and the weather cooling is also helping! Actually had a day there where I didn’t have one hot flush … Yah!

My insides are in constant pain, but thats nothing new, so has been a little hard to differentiate between whats just a ‘Me-ism’ and whats menopause … but like the rest of it … I’ll get it eventually ;)

The emotional balance, or imbalance – if theres actually such a thing *insert eye ball roll*, has been a little better .. or I’m just embracing it better. I burst into tears at what I would usually call stupid ass shit … and then other stuff makes Me want to start a riot! But I won’t because that’d bring on one kick ass hot flush lol (I know, because I tried ;) )

I’m still disturbed by the reference to menopause being a ‘womans disease’; it’s been referred to as this in a few conversations this week. I get that its one hell of a pain in the ass and vag and everywhere else, for us biological women … but a disease??? I don’t think so.

That’s another script to flip ;)

#Meme is a cartoon depiction of a biological woman sitting on a male doctors bed, in a hideous pink gown, looking at the doctor like he’s a dick. On the back wall theres a poster of ‘Menopause Symptoms’. The doctor has his script pad in one hand, a pen in the other.

The caption reads: “You need strong medicine to relieve your symptoms. I’m prescribing chocolate.”


Now that sound more like it!!! ;)

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reconciling the hormones #63

Hmmm what can I say about the hormones this week? They’re fuckers … and I’m having a hard time appreciating them, even though I said (in one of those fits of “oh, this sounds like a good idea” moments) I wanted to embrace the ‘end of an era of womanhood’. Yeah, turns out this ‘ending’ could be going on for like 10 years or so … fuck it.

Anywho … it is what it is … I’m still plucking, cramping, flushing (although these are calming thanks to the drop in temperature around these parts .. thank fuck), sweating, teary, dizzy, anxious, generally lethargic with random fits of rage!. I feel like Garfield … remember him? But more violent.

All I can say this week is womanhood sucks ass.

#meme is a cartoon picture of a ‘eclectic’ looking biological woman. The cation reads:

My husband said the Spark was gone from our relationship, so I tased him. I’ll ask him again when he wakes up.

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reconciling the hormones #62

So far this week theres been:

ALOT of dizzy.

ALOT of headachey

A SMIDGE of cramping.

A CLUSTER FUCK of menstrual starting and stopping … Wtf is that about?

A FUCKLOAD of anxiety.

Topped off with a huge over serving of PANIC FUCKS … like 1 – 2 per day.

As disassociated as I am, I was still attempting to discern the difference between menopause, menstruation, being a biological fucking woman, stress, pts(d), ‘normal’ anxiety and panic fuck.

Then in amongst it all somewhere I did the ‘Fuck It’, it’s all fucked, lets just medicate that shit and get on with it … Then thought better of it … side effects and all … and just sedated my ass for the night, got a good sleep and am thinking slightly clearer today.

It’s Menopause Bitch.

It’s fucking pts(d) Bitch.

It just is what it is.

If you fucking die from it, so be it. But chances are (going from your history to date), you won’t die from it: it’ll linger on for quite a while longer and torture the shit out of you.

Then you’ll get up. Dust said shit off. Flip the bird at it and at all biological Men for just being Men … And go terrorise something or someone else :)

#meme is a cartoon picture of 2 biological women tending sheep (shepherd-ess’s??). The conversation reads:

S1: They just abandoned the sheep to chase after some star

S2: Must be male menopause

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reconciling the hormones #61

So my sedative intake, apart from the antihistamines (which is down to about 1/2 every week), is about the same. And I’m still discerning the difference between a hot flush and a panic fuck … they are so similar it is spooky!

I had an interesting conversation with my Mama whilst we were away … about the menopause situation etc. She was watching Me sweat and quiver and quietly freak out and very nicely asking if I was alright … and then she remembered that she had started having hot flushes when she was in her mid-30s and they were exasperated or brought on when she exerted herself and / or got angry.

I had a super-duper AH-Fucking-HAH moment I tell yah! I could relate perfectly … so I’m hoping that based on those dates / years … I should nearly be done with menopause !!! LOL.

But after this conversation we got onto what a panic attack feels like … signs, symptoms, what brings them on … and hit on something in that jumble fuck.

That if my hormones are doing what they should, but in essence I feel completely out of control of my body … it follows that thats what brings on the panic fuck.

I don’t like being out of control … especially of my … Yes, MY … body, thanks to pts fucking d.  So something else to work on I guess … like I didn’t have enough already pfft!

Anyway … so heres to another week of hormone imbalance-rebalance-apparently all in fucking balance survival!

Cheers Me :)

#meme is a cartoon picture of an older biological woman sitting in an arm chair in front of one big ass fan!

Caption reads: When I asked for a smoking hot body, menopause was not quite what I had in mind.