reconciling the hormones #65

Random update of the fluctuating hormones:

  • today they’re kicking my ass
  • literally
  • in a nice iced lotus position
  • sucking in deep breathes
  • wondering when the fuck womanhood will be ‘fun’
  • dizzy as fuck
  • oh, did i mention, dizzy, like vertigo – dizzy as all Fuck
  • so, all the wonderful cleaning things that i need to do
  • yes, need … because we have a house inspection apopo (tomorrow)
  • yeah, well those bitches aren’t getting done whilst i’m sitting lotus style with ear plugs in, rocking backwards and forwards and trying to find my feng fucking shui
  • hormones … fuck y’all

so, that sucked ..

The morning started with a slight tummy ache but nothing to warrant any medication … hmmm … now I’m at 11.40am having just spent the last hour on the floor, with 2 ice packs on my feet, in the lotus position trying to breath deeply and meditative-ly … and nearly a whole sedative coursing through my veins now … and I’m just beginning to feel ok.

So was that a hot flush? Didn’t entirely feel like one …

So a small to medium panic attack? At what FFS?

I’m still unsure but I aint dwelling on the whys … or so I thought …

As my legs started to feel ok to walk on I head off to the kitchen to get an orange juice … thats what my body feels like right now. And I remember this:

When I was about 14, and I’d been period-ing for a few years by this stage … I woke up one morning with absolutely heinous cramps in my gutt. In hindsight, the pain was centred in my uterus and tubes … at the time, it just felt like my entire tummy area was trying to rip itself out of my body. It hurt like fuckery. I couldn’t walk or sit and lay there doubled over. I was crying and asking my Mama to fix Me … cos I didn’t know what was wrong.

We headed off to the doctors almost immediately and I sat doubled up in the waiting room for about half and hour. The cramps were getting worse and I felt like throwing up and passing out .. the latter I did once I’d got into the doctors room.

Upon ‘waking’ I went off to the toilet to throw up and felt like my insides were exiting … and hello … there was my period. Arrghhh.

The doctor of course rolled him male eye balls, didn’t say much and prescribed me some kick ass pain killers to take every month.

“It’s just a woman thing”, was the diagnosis.

No explanation as to the hows and the whys … especially since I had been menstruating for a few years and hadn’t experienced anything like this.

But this sums up my entire ‘biological woman’ experience. I’ve gotten more than my fair share of eye balls rolls and been prescribed way more than my fair share of ‘woman’ medication.

As I was remembering this, I thought about the pills I take now. The sedatives. They’re not pain meds as such … they’re sleeping pills … that I use in small doses to bring down my heart rate, numb my body and take away pain … so I feel semi-functional.

I haven’t found anything else that works as quick and as effectively. Sure the deep breathing helps … sure the ice packs help … sure a big ass fan helps … sure positive fucking affirmation helps …

But sleeping pills help Me feel normal. They don’t make Me sleep. They just calm my senses.

Now thats some fucked up shit.

But this is also the story of Me and Biological Womanhood.

I’m pretty sure it hates Me.

Or do I hate it?

Hate it like panic attacks? Hate it like emotion?

I’m not really sure. But it fucking sucks. It sucks just as much as the hippies that think being ‘in touch with oneself’ is the cure all.  Ps: Not offence intended to actual hippies … love y’all 😉

It’s fucking hard … near impossible to ‘feel’ and be ok. And I’m pretty sure my uterus feels the same way … like its saying … ‘dam bitch … what are we doing?’

I think she’s been intruded upon so many times that she freaks the fuck out at every little twitch. It’s the same with sex. I know she feels the anxiety and is pretty keen to shut up shop before anything comes near lol.

Wow … now that was one hell of a diversion for someone who ‘wasn’t going to dwell on that shit’ … I think the point I was trying to make to myself …

Is my body is used to feeling numb … numb is normal … its quiet and its peaceful. The bits that like the numbness to the extreme, are my biological woman bits and emotions.

Ahhhh. Fuck it.

There it is, the very long #thoughtforthefuckingday.

So heres a nice picture of some kind of bobbly plant: completely odd and different, from My point of view; to distract myself from the dwindling pain in my uterus and the failure I’m feeling at not having done sweet fuck all this morning.

Arrgh … Fml … for a moment anyways … then I’ll get over it …


reconciling the hormones #64

A slightly topsy turvey week on the hormonal front … but I’m slowly getting the hang of it. It just means I can’t go as fast or as full on as I’d like too … it means I need to take regular ‘breaks’ (sounds ironic) from doing what I’m doing … and breath! The ice packs are helping and the weather cooling is also helping! Actually had a day there where I didn’t have one hot flush … Yah!

My insides are in constant pain, but thats nothing new, so has been a little hard to differentiate between whats just a ‘Me-ism’ and whats menopause … but like the rest of it … I’ll get it eventually 😉

The emotional balance, or imbalance – if theres actually such a thing *insert eye ball roll*, has been a little better .. or I’m just embracing it better. I burst into tears at what I would usually call stupid ass shit … and then other stuff makes Me want to start a riot! But I won’t because that’d bring on one kick ass hot flush lol (I know, because I tried 😉 )

I’m still disturbed by the reference to menopause being a ‘womans disease’; it’s been referred to as this in a few conversations this week. I get that its one hell of a pain in the ass and vag and everywhere else, for us biological women … but a disease??? I don’t think so.

That’s another script to flip 😉

#Meme is a cartoon depiction of a biological woman sitting on a male doctors bed, in a hideous pink gown, looking at the doctor like he’s a dick. On the back wall theres a poster of ‘Menopause Symptoms’. The doctor has his script pad in one hand, a pen in the other.

The caption reads: “You need strong medicine to relieve your symptoms. I’m prescribing chocolate.”

Now that sound more like it!!! 😉


reconciling the hormones #63

Hmmm what can I say about the hormones this week? They’re fuckers … and I’m having a hard time appreciating them, even though I said (in one of those fits of “oh, this sounds like a good idea” moments) I wanted to embrace the ‘end of an era of womanhood’. Yeah, turns out this ‘ending’ could be going on for like 10 years or so … fuck it.

Anywho … it is what it is … I’m still plucking, cramping, flushing (although these are calming thanks to the drop in temperature around these parts .. thank fuck), sweating, teary, dizzy, anxious, generally lethargic with random fits of rage!. I feel like Garfield … remember him? But more violent.

All I can say this week is womanhood sucks ass.

#meme is a cartoon picture of a ‘eclectic’ looking biological woman. The cation reads:

My husband said the Spark was gone from our relationship, so I tased him. I’ll ask him again when he wakes up.


reconciling the hormones #62

So far this week theres been:

ALOT of dizzy.

ALOT of headachey

A SMIDGE of cramping.

A CLUSTER FUCK of menstrual starting and stopping … Wtf is that about?

A FUCKLOAD of anxiety.

Topped off with a huge over serving of PANIC FUCKS … like 1 – 2 per day.

As disassociated as I am, I was still attempting to discern the difference between menopause, menstruation, being a biological fucking woman, stress, pts(d), ‘normal’ anxiety and panic fuck.

Then in amongst it all somewhere I did the ‘Fuck It’, it’s all fucked, lets just medicate that shit and get on with it … Then thought better of it … side effects and all … and just sedated my ass for the night, got a good sleep and am thinking slightly clearer today.

It’s Menopause Bitch.

It’s fucking pts(d) Bitch.

It just is what it is.

If you fucking die from it, so be it. But chances are (going from your history to date), you won’t die from it: it’ll linger on for quite a while longer and torture the shit out of you.

Then you’ll get up. Dust said shit off. Flip the bird at it and at all biological Men for just being Men … And go terrorise something or someone else 🙂

#meme is a cartoon picture of 2 biological women tending sheep (shepherd-ess’s??). The conversation reads:

S1: They just abandoned the sheep to chase after some star

S2: Must be male menopause


reconciling the hormones #61

So my sedative intake, apart from the antihistamines (which is down to about 1/2 every week), is about the same. And I’m still discerning the difference between a hot flush and a panic fuck … they are so similar it is spooky!

I had an interesting conversation with my Mama whilst we were away … about the menopause situation etc. She was watching Me sweat and quiver and quietly freak out and very nicely asking if I was alright … and then she remembered that she had started having hot flushes when she was in her mid-30s and they were exasperated or brought on when she exerted herself and / or got angry.

I had a super-duper AH-Fucking-HAH moment I tell yah! I could relate perfectly … so I’m hoping that based on those dates / years … I should nearly be done with menopause !!! LOL.

But after this conversation we got onto what a panic attack feels like … signs, symptoms, what brings them on … and hit on something in that jumble fuck.

That if my hormones are doing what they should, but in essence I feel completely out of control of my body … it follows that thats what brings on the panic fuck.

I don’t like being out of control … especially of my … Yes, MY … body, thanks to pts fucking d.  So something else to work on I guess … like I didn’t have enough already pfft!

Anyway … so heres to another week of hormone imbalance-rebalance-apparently all in fucking balance survival!

Cheers Me 🙂

#meme is a cartoon picture of an older biological woman sitting in an arm chair in front of one big ass fan!

Caption reads: When I asked for a smoking hot body, menopause was not quite what I had in mind.


reconciling the hormones #60

Captains Log:

A beard? Really? Haven’t I already done enough shaving??

Ay! What gives? I guess in the large scheme of things abit of facial hair aint nuthin but a chain swang 😉

Happy to report it’s been a calmer week … even had a day where there was No hot flushing … Bonus!

Each day … week, as it comes … thats my mantra at the moment … whew.

#meme is a cartoon drawing of a woman all wrapped up in a scarf and jacket, both pulled up to cover her face.

The caption reads: Where oh, where has my oestrogen gone? Oh where, oh where can it be? I was once young and fair, now I sprout facial hair … Oh hormones, won’t you come back to me …


reconciling the hormones #59

ohhh she’s been a rough week … well, not rough … more like maniac then calm …. hmm

Interesting though, mapping it out over the week and seeing its ebbs and flows … I’m still hell’ah uncertain about the differentiation between what it is actual ‘menopause’ and what is anxiety / panic ; unwell ; period  … and I ate something that doesn’t agree with Me … if you get my feels.

Some of it I know is due to being an unfeeling cold hearted bitch for most of my life aka disassociated … and some of it is just New.

And then I got to thinking that maybe I’d be better rolling with the thought that it all is OK and all is part of the Whole, and it really doesn’t matter if its the hormones, of the pork I ate, or just a bad ass day. I mean really … who gives a shit … it all still feels pretty much the same and is all pretty fixed by 1 of 3 things …

  • sleep
  • alcohol (drugs … whatever works)
  • ripping shit up

Except the hot flushes … fuck my life … those are some bastards alright!

So what I noticed this week, was my period (and all it’s biologically womanly glory arrgghhh) finished on one day … 5 days later I was still drained as fuck … like I’d been sucked dry by a vampire. By day 6 I felt ‘Normal’ … as in:

  • Shit – check
  • Eat – check
  • Not to hot – check
  • Not fluster fucked – check
  • Not dizzy – check

You get my drift.

1 day of that.

1 motherfucking day!

Then I was back to hot as fuck, faint as fuck, dizzy as fuck …

Positive? I got a day of rest … just like Jesus 😉

#meme is a cartoon pic of a biological woman in her bra and undies, looking extremely hot and flustered, spraying herself with a bottle of water.

The caption reads: Menopause means never having to say you’re chilly!


reconciling the hormones #58

Friday has become Update day: for this week anyways.

And that just about sums of the hormone fuckery for this week.

But for more depth …

  • Sunday – slow, sore, clotted, hot/as/fuck, faint, headache, backache … FUCK
  • Monday – hot as fuck – Again, pain pain and more annoying pain FUCKIT
  • Tuesday – so it’s slowing down UN-FUCK?
  • Wednesday – dizzy, slow, tired BUT not as fucking hot
  • Thursday – light headed, bleeding slowing right down, FUCK
  • Friday – thank the goddesses its raining!

But I’m taking notes and thinking “Geez can I do ten years of this shit??”


reconciling the hormones #57

Note to self:

WTF is going on I ask ever so politely …

So it would appear, that after nearly 2 months of taking note and documenting the hormones, there are definite patterns emerging.

My period kicked in today in all it’s wonderment and with it came a UTI – Awesome! Just what I needed.

So aside from now bleeding like a stuck pig – flushing like sinner in hell – and sweating like a rapist – my back is aching, my kidneys are starting to ache, my head is pounding and I’m pissing razor blades.

Guess what .. It’s rather uncomfortable trying to using ‘sanitary attire’ with all that shit going on down there.

Any – who …

Now that I’ve established abit of a pattern – periods intensifying but shortening: hot flushes that feel like anxiety and panic fucks, but actually aren’t because they subside: angry as fuck for 4-5 days (spread out over the month): emotional as fuck for 4-5 days (spread out over the month): tired as fuck for 4 – 5 days (spread out over the month): intense uterine pain that feels like ripping / stabbing in the ovary area, working its way down to the small of the back … for 5-6 days (spread out over the month): a UTI coming on 2-3days before my period appears: fluctuating erratic moods and ‘horniness’ (new thing for Me!) and wanting to clean and throw everything out, 2 days before my period shows up and I get extra creative during this time: *** 1-2 days absolute reprieve for all hormonal bullshit***: the period shows up and is shorter than it usually is (lasting 3-5 days).


Add to this the lack of my usual cravings for chocolate and carbs 3-4 days before said period, and this is the reason for the ‘WTF’??

But … I am pleased there is a rather tentative pattern emerging.

So with that … I’ll going to drop my ‘Captains Log – Hormone Diary’ thingee down to once or twice a week … I haven’t yet decided … but that is my fluctuational prerogative 😉

Good lord Help Me … and any one else who happens to piss Me off in the next few days.