reconciling the hormones #72

from pts(d) expression series #80 – Jan 7, 2017 @ 08:03

So I’m sort of back to the beginning, or there abouts, with these dam things. It’s an angst-tation cross between being a dissociative retard and actually having something physical going on.

What the fuck does that mean?

Well I’ve griped about this before, but as time ticks on, I can see a pattern emerging …

I’ve spent a life time NOT feeling shit. Not just emotion, but the physical feeling that goes with emotion. Yes, it seems as if theres a physical feeling associated with emotion. Just as there is a physical ‘feeling’ associated with being hungry, tired or in pain.

But did you know, that all the aforementioned ‘issues’ ‘feel’ very very similar and to fuck it up even more, they also ‘feel’ like hormonal fuckery and anxiety / panic fucks.

Yes, thats right, for Me, they all feel extremely similar.

So … what does one do when one feels one or all of these things happening or coming on?

  1. Hit the ground and breath deep
  2. Take a small amount of sedative
  3. Drink water
  4. Consult with stomach
  5. Try and eat something
  6. Take a pain killer
  7. Ice pack
  8. Peppermint essential oil
  9. Breath deeper
  10. Calming music
  11. Re check that I have eaten enough, drank enough.
  12. Re check and start at the beginning again until it (the panic fuck feeling and dizziness) subsides.

This has been Me on and off for the past couple days and feeling pretty over it. It’s kinda scary, so much so I may even go to the doctors arrghh.

Staying positive, whatever the fuck that means though.

Ok … trying to stay gangstah ;)

Love and light xo


reconciling the hormones #71


Thats all I have to say about that.

Oh okay, I shall expand.

Said hormones, be kicking my ass at the moment; and my-eth ass is laid up feeling sorry for itself.

There yah go :)


reconciling the hormones #70

Soooo, the hormones ay … this is the current status of those puppies …

They are producing mind-boggling, skin inflamed rashes.

Now these aren’t ‘abnormal’ for Me … and I’ve had eczema for years on and off … thanks to my ultra sensitive skin. But this lot is wildly irritating and hair pullingly annoying. Made even more annoying by my decrease in antihistamines … which by the way, I only take when I absolutely have too … and yes, this was one such occasion.

The rashes seem to come with hot flushes and thank fuck the hot flushes seem to be subsiding, possibly due to the weather being a little cooler … not sure really.

I’m basically winging the hormone thing … still haven’t been to the doctors, cos captain obvious is bound to just state the obvious … ‘You possibly in peri-menopause and we can give you *such and such* drugs and hormones …’. Yeah, not doing that so I’ll save myself $40 and just roll with Aunty Google and natural remedies.

Which reminds Me, a friend has suggested Peppermint Essential Oil for the hot flushes … apparently it helps with the cooling down thing … so I’m gonna try that next week.

The panic attacks and anxiety are slowly subsiding which makes Me pretty certain that they are effected by hormone fuckery.

Oh the joy.

Seriously though, I am pleased I’m slowly piecing things together and am able to try ‘new’ natural things.

It all feels like progress and transition … oh and it’s definitely helped embracing it instead of dreading it.



reconciling the hormones #69


So, apparently no biological woman has died from / during Menopause.

But …

Do we know if any partner of a menopausal woman, has been greviously harmed / killed during the course of them saying something extremely stupid to said menopausal woman?

*asking for a friend*


reconciling the hormones #68

Hmmm what to say about the blessed hormones at the moment ??

Well …

  1. I’m due for my period according to my trusty calendar
  2. However, due to the fact that my memory is a shit collective at present, it is quite likely that I’ve entered the wrong ‘finish’ date and thus the wrong ‘start’ date has popped up.
  3. Yes. Thats what I’ve done forever, to map my little periodical hormones / symptoms etc etc.
  4. So boobs are starting to ache and that is a sure sign of impending period-ness.
  5. I’m shitty as fuck … but that could be period or meno-pausical symptoms ;)
  6. My ears keep popping, and the vertigo is off the charts at the mo.

Ahhh, so thats what I was going to ramble about, was the vertigo situation.

It gets worse around pre-period time even though the blessed doctor says my hormones have nothing to do with the vertigo situation; I think he’s all cack … and having never had a period himself, how the fuck is he supposed to tell Me that I am wrong … Pfft.

So, menopause wise … it kinda go-figures that if my normal is vertigoy at period time, then it would do the same at menopausal time .. Right?


So working on this theory … and having spent the last 2 days flat on my back (for a lot of the day anyways) or in some lotusy type position on the floor … the dizzy, vertigo feeling should pass within the next few days and return on the odd occasion just like a hot flush … hmmm



But just to throw a spanner in my theoretical works, I’ve realised that with the lessening of cigarettes, I am thusly coughing up some amazing looking gunk and my sinuses are doing some freaking shit which throws out my physical balance aka more fucking vertigo …. sooooo …

It could also be plausible that when all nicotine and other such shit is outta my system … and my sinuses and lungs have thusly adjusted … and my natural feng shui has returned to that of a 11 year old (when I started smoking … ), I could be feeling abit more balanced???



Well fucking hope so …

So, until I figure out abit more … Cheers to all biological women and their biological-ness ;) Yous have my sympathies and undying admiration!


reconciling the hormones #67

Hadn’t quite decided whether I do this hormonal update thingy everyday again, or weekly, or whenever the fuck I like …

So I decided to ‘be like the hormones’ … and randomly show up, fuck things up and then fuck off again :)

So when in need I shall update.

Anywho … this is Me trying to do some kind of Yoga thingy … didn’t work out so well picture wise, but the breathing and stretching was the go.

Me and Mat Time :)

You know whats extra funny … this is the best picture out of the lot! It’s a lot harder to take a selfie that looks good when your sweating like a rapist are in the midst of a panic fuck and are trying to breath and smile …

So fuck it … this is what it is lol.



reconciling the hormones #66

Ewwww, the hormones …

So, I’m learning … slowly … arghh

Turns out my body dislikes anything ‘womanly’ … perioding; perioding pains … bleeding … sore boobs … hot flushes …

Yeah … anything that reminds Me that I am a biological woman and in these moments I have no ‘control’ (supposedly) over my body and thusly feel like a vulnerable fuckwit.

So, now I know.

And I am working on the ‘what the fuck do I do next’ part.

Yoga seems to be helping … Yoga, the floor and lots of ice packs.

The only amusing part of all this transitioning menopausal bullshit, it watching my partner don his jacket, hat and gloves whilst I strip down to undies and bra, put the fans on and sit on an icepack for 40 odd minutes.

He’s learnt not to breath a single complaint throughout any of this … well done man.

I’ve also figured out, the lack of supposed control over my functionings is what is adding to the panic fucks … and these are at a hearty 1-2 per day at the moment. Not cool .. pardon the pun lol.

But it is what is it … and I’m rolling with it … hoping that my hidden enlightened self will see Me through …

I do have issues with the whole 10+ years though …

and breathing … <3

reconciling the hormones #65

Random update of the fluctuating hormones:

  • today they’re kicking my ass
  • literally
  • in a nice iced lotus position
  • sucking in deep breathes
  • wondering when the fuck womanhood will be ‘fun’
  • dizzy as fuck
  • oh, did i mention, dizzy, like vertigo – dizzy as all Fuck
  • so, all the wonderful cleaning things that i need to do
  • yes, need … because we have a house inspection apopo (tomorrow)
  • yeah, well those bitches aren’t getting done whilst i’m sitting lotus style with ear plugs in, rocking backwards and forwards and trying to find my feng fucking shui
  • hormones … fuck y’all

so, that sucked ..

The morning started with a slight tummy ache but nothing to warrant any medication … hmmm … now I’m at 11.40am having just spent the last hour on the floor, with 2 ice packs on my feet, in the lotus position trying to breath deeply and meditative-ly … and nearly a whole sedative coursing through my veins now … and I’m just beginning to feel ok.

So was that a hot flush? Didn’t entirely feel like one …

So a small to medium panic attack? At what FFS?

I’m still unsure but I aint dwelling on the whys … or so I thought …

As my legs started to feel ok to walk on I head off to the kitchen to get an orange juice … thats what my body feels like right now. And I remember this:

When I was about 14, and I’d been period-ing for a few years by this stage … I woke up one morning with absolutely heinous cramps in my gutt. In hindsight, the pain was centred in my uterus and tubes … at the time, it just felt like my entire tummy area was trying to rip itself out of my body. It hurt like fuckery. I couldn’t walk or sit and lay there doubled over. I was crying and asking my Mama to fix Me … cos I didn’t know what was wrong.

We headed off to the doctors almost immediately and I sat doubled up in the waiting room for about half and hour. The cramps were getting worse and I felt like throwing up and passing out .. the latter I did once I’d got into the doctors room.

Upon ‘waking’ I went off to the toilet to throw up and felt like my insides were exiting … and hello … there was my period. Arrghhh.

The doctor of course rolled him male eye balls, didn’t say much and prescribed me some kick ass pain killers to take every month.

“It’s just a woman thing”, was the diagnosis.

No explanation as to the hows and the whys … especially since I had been menstruating for a few years and hadn’t experienced anything like this.

But this sums up my entire ‘biological woman’ experience. I’ve gotten more than my fair share of eye balls rolls and been prescribed way more than my fair share of ‘woman’ medication.

As I was remembering this, I thought about the pills I take now. The sedatives. They’re not pain meds as such … they’re sleeping pills … that I use in small doses to bring down my heart rate, numb my body and take away pain … so I feel semi-functional.

I haven’t found anything else that works as quick and as effectively. Sure the deep breathing helps … sure the ice packs help … sure a big ass fan helps … sure positive fucking affirmation helps …

But sleeping pills help Me feel normal. They don’t make Me sleep. They just calm my senses.

Now thats some fucked up shit.

But this is also the story of Me and Biological Womanhood.

I’m pretty sure it hates Me.

Or do I hate it?

Hate it like panic attacks? Hate it like emotion?

I’m not really sure. But it fucking sucks. It sucks just as much as the hippies that think being ‘in touch with oneself’ is the cure all.  Ps: Not offence intended to actual hippies … love y’all ;)

It’s fucking hard … near impossible to ‘feel’ and be ok. And I’m pretty sure my uterus feels the same way … like its saying … ‘dam bitch … what are we doing?’

I think she’s been intruded upon so many times that she freaks the fuck out at every little twitch. It’s the same with sex. I know she feels the anxiety and is pretty keen to shut up shop before anything comes near lol.

Wow … now that was one hell of a diversion for someone who ‘wasn’t going to dwell on that shit’ … I think the point I was trying to make to myself …

Is my body is used to feeling numb … numb is normal … its quiet and its peaceful. The bits that like the numbness to the extreme, are my biological woman bits and emotions.

Ahhhh. Fuck it.

There it is, the very long #thoughtforthefuckingday.

So heres a nice picture of some kind of bobbly plant: completely odd and different, from My point of view; to distract myself from the dwindling pain in my uterus and the failure I’m feeling at not having done sweet fuck all this morning.

Arrgh … Fml … for a moment anyways … then I’ll get over it …


reconciling the hormones #64

A slightly topsy turvey week on the hormonal front … but I’m slowly getting the hang of it. It just means I can’t go as fast or as full on as I’d like too … it means I need to take regular ‘breaks’ (sounds ironic) from doing what I’m doing … and breath! The ice packs are helping and the weather cooling is also helping! Actually had a day there where I didn’t have one hot flush … Yah!

My insides are in constant pain, but thats nothing new, so has been a little hard to differentiate between whats just a ‘Me-ism’ and whats menopause … but like the rest of it … I’ll get it eventually ;)

The emotional balance, or imbalance – if theres actually such a thing *insert eye ball roll*, has been a little better .. or I’m just embracing it better. I burst into tears at what I would usually call stupid ass shit … and then other stuff makes Me want to start a riot! But I won’t because that’d bring on one kick ass hot flush lol (I know, because I tried ;) )

I’m still disturbed by the reference to menopause being a ‘womans disease’; it’s been referred to as this in a few conversations this week. I get that its one hell of a pain in the ass and vag and everywhere else, for us biological women … but a disease??? I don’t think so.

That’s another script to flip ;)

#Meme is a cartoon depiction of a biological woman sitting on a male doctors bed, in a hideous pink gown, looking at the doctor like he’s a dick. On the back wall theres a poster of ‘Menopause Symptoms’. The doctor has his script pad in one hand, a pen in the other.

The caption reads: “You need strong medicine to relieve your symptoms. I’m prescribing chocolate.”

Now that sound more like it!!! ;)