my nemesis

affection.

touch.

& understanding that those two things dont mean ..

harm.


kpm©


 

Image

ewww hurt feelings …

It’s been a strange day and I was / am reluctant to be here, trying to express it … but here I am anyway.

I feel awkward … oddly enough … trying to admit I felt ratshit today. Not because feeling ratshit is bad per se, but because I don’t like admitting I had hurt feelings and that made me feel ratshit … hurt feelings for Me, feels like weakness.

Basically I feel like a little bitch … there yah go … arrghhh.

It’s so much easier to be angry or annoyed or even a bit frustrated … but hurt feelings? Not cool …

But Yes, I’m getting over myself … and … here I am.

To get to the point, today someone I know, belittled my non-ability to be able to go to the shop; to be able to leave the house; to not be able to handle the ‘crowd’. They know it can be hard for Me to go anywhere, but I am managing it … well I’m trying … and have been for some time. I have my ups and downs … I make progress and take giant plummets and try and take all that shit in my stride.

It can be embarrassing. A fully grown, once was fiercely independent and extremely capable woman, now whimpering at the prospect of traveling in the car, of having to be in a crowded space, of talking on the phone, of bright lights and loud noises … Yes, I find it fucking embarrassing, humiliating and diminishing.

But I suck that shit up and I try and try and try … and I don’t know any other fucking person who tries and tries again, as much as I do.

And I do most of this shit on my own.

I don’t have a team of experts guiding me through … or a cheer leading squad that encourages me to keep going … literally, I’d be lucky to have 2 encouraging things said to me in a month about progress or how far I’ve come, or just a friendly high fucking five and ‘can i help you at all’.

But that is the story of my life … and despite that, I still fucking get up and try again.

But today.

Today I may have just spilt a few tears.

Just a few.

It’s not that I haven’t been belittled or humiliated before … but today, it just hurt.

So I sat with the hurt for a little while. I’m not big on feelings but it seems like I gotta deal with the bastards …

And after a little while was done, I looked for something ‘good’ that I had done recently; that I could be proud of.

I got the last of my paintings out.

I smiled at them.

I smiled because they are my final 3 for the exhibition, and I like them.

I did them. I like them. And no-one can take that away from Me.


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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today …

Today …

I lost my fucking shit. Smashed my phone, nearly smashed the wall and the window …

Not just angry but fed up. Know that feeling? When all the fucks in the world don’t make up for the several thousand not given over the shittone of years?

Yep. Well they all collided today, in one huge conglomerate of snot, tears, and near uncontrollable rage.

I felt hopeless. Helpless. And way the fuck over it.

What brought this fucker on?

Oh, I think it’s been brewing for awhile and just bubbled to over fucking flowing.

I grizzle (vent, whatever) on the regular about what got me to this point. That anxiety and panic are a fucking curse and pst(d) can go fuck itself … major depressive bullshit can go fuck itself as well btw …

I fucking try, try, try … to go with the fucking flow … handle myself, manage myself … resolve my fucking issues … do better, want better … blah de fucking blah.

But sometimes, when it all crumbles in front of my eyes and feels way to fucking much, the kicker, is that no cunt will or can pick me up … I am by myself. A blessing and a curse.

It’s the way its always been.

Not a nice word is ever given. A consolation or an encouragement. Maybe this is because thats been my life and is what I continue to choose … I’m really not too fucking sure.

I did the self soothe routine. It wasn’t pretty.

And I’m still coming down … out … off …

I want to run, but there aint nowhere to run too … and I’d probably break a hip or something in the process. I don’t have money. I don’t drive … but fuck that, I don’t have a car.

Nothing, but my life, is mine.

And this is where I feel my suicidal peeps. When you have nothing but your life, whether you continue to live it or not is YOUR choice. Sometimes your only choice and your only control over who you are. Or so it seems.

But don’t worry … I aint topping myself today.

So, I self-soothed … ish … music, mainly.

Then I found an old FB post I had done for my girls. But today I took it for myself.

It seems like there is no consolation from any cunt other than myself. Do I feel sad or bad for that? A bit. But I tell you what, I know that I am fucking better than any boot that has ever kicked me in the gutt.

I will always get up.

Not cos I have too. But because I’m too fucking stubborn to do anything else.


From FB:

I was trying to find a meme to send to my girls, just to remind them of how gangstah they are … that they are strong women … that they are righteous mamas ... that everything they say and do, is good enough … that they don’t have to justify themselves, to anybody, anytime – especially not a man … that what they look like doesn’t define who they are … that rejection isn’t a slight on their character … that they needn’t beg to be noticed -by anyone … that everything they put out into the world, is enough … that they are not defined by any of their parents beliefs, views or mistakes … that because someone may have hurt them, doesn’t mean that they are someway deserving of that hurt … that even when shit turns to custard, they are still gangstah … that drinking to much, or swearing to much – how they conduct themselves in other words – is no-one elses business but their own … that the feeling of being unloved, is only a perception … that they are good enough, just as they are.
And you know what … all I could find was this crap meme. The type of crap that says women need to be asked by a man, healed by a man, loved by a man, defined by a man, characterised and affirmed, By. A. Man. And I thought in 2017 Women were defined as so much more than that! I’m not talking equality, because there is no way I want to be equal with a man. And I’m not talking male dissing – fuck knows my moko and nephews won’t be men that are ashamed of being men – or put women in some kind of subservient framework or position.
But those defining themselves as women – we really need to stop pinning all our hopes and dreams and emotions and ‘noble’ characteristics and conduct and misconduct and thoughts and intelligence …
On how we believe a man has .. viewed us, views us, given to us, didn’t give to us, wanted from us, took from us, broke us, mis-used us, degraded us, encouraged us, loved us, or Not loved us … we need to stop apologising for being Us and stop looking to them to make us feel better.
We are completely gangstah just because We are
Fuck knows being a woman is no easy feat and my girls are doing a fucking awesome job of being completely righteous human beings !

(not my meme)


Blessings. Or something. Some positive shit. Yeah. Positive shit.

Arrghh.


kpm ©


 

bite back

we think

we

can damage

the world?

have yah seen

the size of her?

and she bites back.

eventually.


kpm ©


 

why hurt?

its not that they couldn’t

or even that their honesty was

more to do with their own insecurities.

it was that they did.

that they said it

with no consideration,

of me.


kpm ©


 

please

Be patient, if you can
I don’t mean to be slow
I’m not trying to annoy
Or irritate your world
I just don’t always understand
As you do
Just as you didn’t understand
When you didn’t understand.
Please don’t hang up
Or take that tone,
You know that one
That presumes stupidity
Just as I didn’t do with you
When you were too small
To understand,
That you didn’t understand.
Because when you sigh,
When you roll your eyes,
When you chide and chastise,
When you berate and belittle –
You hurt my heart.
You hurt my head.
Your insensitivity
Makes me wonder
What on earth I actually taught you.
But most of all you forget
That you were once unable
And I enabled.
That once you didn’t understand
And I taught.
I’m not asking for any extra
Than I deserve.
Please
Be patient.
Or don’t speak to me at all.
That would be easier,
For now.


kpm ©