today .. was ..

i remember when i first got vertigo, just over 10 years ago now .. i hadn’t linked it to anything else other than having a bad case of the flu and my sinuses being blocked ..

i was about 36-37 then.

i also knew my health wasnt right due to the amount i was vomitting and shitting and the amount of weight i was losing .. oh as well as my hair .. again.

so, i did what we all do.

i went to the doctors.

i got a med cert. i tried to recover and move on.

that was the start of something larger that would suck my energy something fierce.

but at 38ish i had more energy to fight.

im 48 now and i can feel my energy depleting.

sometimes i turn myself inside out to find solutions cos thats the kinda bitch i am.

im solution focussed.

in finding a solution i’ll shred the evidence i have to source the suitable solution. if that dont work ill try something else.

but, i still get chronic vertigo.

& its seems like it worsened with the onset of peri menopause .. insert eyeball roll.

& im still trying to find solutions.

but some days .. ohhh some days .. its all i can do to stand. walking is near impossible. & anything above those 2 things is draining af.

but i take notes.

so that when i have a steady day i can find alternative solutions.

today is one of those days.

its actually about day 3.

and i was reminded of stumbling up stairs back in my 30s, trying to hold on to the railing and not topple over. i decided in that moment i needed to find alternatives to how i did things.

that if i couldn’t drive to get the groceries i could utilise online.

if i couldn’t sit on a chair without feeling wonky id sit on the floor.

that id minimise and reorganise what i needed so it was on hand and i didn’t have to make 10 trips downstairs or bend over and stand up a tonne of times.

& that was the start.

i still sit on floor.

i still utilise online services.

& im still trying to find solutions.

still.

today im tired.

tomorrow i hopefully kick ass again .. hopefully.


kpm©


 

qt .5

pts(d) is an injury not an illness.

remember that & treat accordingly.


kpm ©


 

.

i had a plan.


kpm ©


 

the month is:

after a week from the depths of hell, & its only the beginning of the gregorian fucking year … i was left pondering on this:

how hard is it to empathise with another persons ‘disabilities’?

apparently it is too fucking hard for most.

i, in all my glorified ignorance, has supposed that with the assistance of the ever ready trusty aunty google, that the basics of any issue could be researched & quite possibly resolved.

everything from racism to how to change a light bulb.

it’s quite possible that i have exceeded my own naivety.

this thought process happened because i had had a couple conversations re pts(d) & what its ‘like to deal with that sort of anxiety’.

i was trying to explain that pts(d) is not anxiety per se; anxiety is a symptom of pts(d). pts(d) is a fuckery of a different kind.

‘oh, so you’re just traumatised & that’s why you have a mental illness now?’

ummm … not quite. *insert eyeball roll*

a. i don’t categorise pts(d) as a mental illness. i call it a mental ‘injury’.

b. there is no such thing as ‘just traumatised’. to insinuate such is condescending & ignorant as fuck!

yeah … so this is how january has panned out. these types of conversations; which i don’t mind. i just hadn’t expected.

what it has done is force me into a position of having to give an ‘explanation for dummies’ to some people that should actually know better – as in they have access to the internet, they possess a keyboard or phone, they are able to read & are not blind or hearing impaired, they are able to string together a legible sentence & all importantly – are still breathing.

so looking down the ass-end of the first month of 2019, & i am already fucking exhausted.

how did we become such a stupid fucking species?


kpm ©