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well that was a shit sleep …

Not that it wasn’t a ‘lights out’ sleep … cos sedatives will do that to yah!

But what I realised this morning was I was as tense as fuck. My muscles, or lack of them, were tight, like I’d been for a 5 mile hike, up-hill, non-stop. Not that I actually know what that feels like per se, but I imagine that it’d feel like I did this morning.

Now I’m used to waking up sweating or crying or being jolted awake from hideous ass dreams and feeling like someones shoved a hot poker into my chest … yeah … thats kinda normal for Me. And generally I roll with it …

But this morning I don’t remember having any nightmares – mind due that could be due to the drug induced coma I’ve been putting myself into of late – I just felt tense as fuck.

The run on thought from that was that is exactly what I’ve been feeling like for weeks …

That is also what I used to feel like all the time.

A. Kudos I’ve had a lull in that fuckery

B. How do I get back to the non-tense Me?

My guess is my pts(d) senses are on overdrive for some unknown reason … but generally they’re not wrong … or they’re still spiking and I haven’t figured out the starting point and the Why.

So I’ll let that one settle for the next few days … trying to be aware of what the fuck is going on in my insides … My guess is though … ewww … here we go:

it probably has something to do with the flashback I had a few months ago … the one where I couldn’t breathe. Literally. I could feel weight on my personage and it was overwhelming, frightening and heavy. I let it simmer … knowing it’d make it’s way to the surface eventually.

I think ‘eventually’ has arrived.

At night I can ‘see’ an outline of a large figure standing in my way. Everywhere I turn, there he is. Just out of reach but close enough to smell and ‘feel’.

And … It’s no fucking wonder I’ve been petrified of everything lately …

FML.

Anyway … in all that conundrum, I’ve been trying to find noise cancelling ear muffs to counteract the noise sensitivity.

I found these fuckers:

Turns out they are way out of my price range, so it’s back to finding what I can do with what I have.

This little combo (industrial ear muffs and ear plugs) doesn’t cancel out all noise but muffles it to about 85% – thats my best guess-ta-mation anyways.

The ‘issue’ is that this combo completely and utterly magnifies ‘echoes’; as in, I can hear my heart beat ultra loudly; I can hear my footsteps ultra loudly; any tapping on the side of the ear muffs themselves, produces a hideous echo right throughout my ear drums and down my spine.

Yeah, so thats that.

Then theres this combo:

My trusty headphones (not noise cancelling and falling to bits slowly), music and earplugs.

Now with the sound on ‘medium’, which is my comfortable … I can still hear everything going on around Me, but slightly muffled. If I hit the side of the headphones they echo slightly but not as much as the ear muffs.

So the latter is my choice of ‘ear wear’ for now until I can find something else.

My hope is that if I can lessen the ‘din’ that is going on, I can lessen abit of the muscle tightening anxiety … because honestly, I’m gonna run out of sedatives at this rate.

And this is the day that is a pts(d) fuck.

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breakfast:

i’m still here lol. i’m feeling happily contented, and it’s still raining 🙂

starting to feel slightly tired, thank fuck.

i think my breakfast may have something to do with that … i was surprised i made it with burning the shit out of it.

what are the chunky things i hear you ask?

more chorizo 😉

bona petite and have a lovely sunday ❤

so, here I am … still:

it is now 7.08am … good lord lol.

i am currently on Michael Jacksons “Off The Wall”, and have about another 20 albums to wade through.

strangely enough, i’m enjoying my semi tired, leaning more toward the over-insomniated, meanderings …

i’m thinking coffee and a possible walk before the rest of this stuck up small town, gets their moaning asses up, jumps on our local Facebook page and has a pathetic weekend gripe.

*i’ve lost my cat*

*my rubbish bin got tipped over*

*theres sand on my tyres*

at least i keep mine to my blog lol

or … i could make pancakes?!

pancakes sounds good actually …

pancakes, coffee, michael me old mate .. then a walk.

anyway … good morning peeps 🙂

so, here i am ..

3.16 am. over a half a sedative later, and I’m still awake.

Decided not to fight it, so got up to finish cleaning my vinyl collection. Yep, still at it.

I’m onto George Benson ❤

I’m feeling aight … not frustrated, which is good.

I know I’ve got to keep doing exactly want I need to when I want to.

Nothing extra.

I know I love music, food, art, and creating shit.

I figure music is good for 3.16 am … so I’m rolling with that.

ptsd treatment…this thing of ours

We have an uneven relationship

I’ve felt safe in your haze

Its been years

Of dependence

Dreamless nights

But I’ve slowly pulled away

Waited longer and longer

To take in a little bit less of you

This thing of ours

It’s nearly over

First Published on: Jun 10, 2015 @ 18:50 🙂

another insomni-atic night…

Yes, its one of those nights, when all the relaxation before bed, all the ‘quiet moments’, get completely fucked up and here I am at nearly 3am, deep breathing with my EmWave breathe pacer and listening to Allen Stone…Is this love that I’m feeling…over and over.

Shit is deeply fucked up.

I am trying to embrace the moment, sleep or no sleep…but I find myself particularly angry. Angry because I cant sleep; angry because I’m cutting down my fucking sleep meds…and if there’s one goddamn thing I do really well…that’s to not go back on what I’ve set for myself! Grrrr ….. I’m angry that the other person that resides with me, gets a little titchy when they don’t get any sleep, but cant sympathise one little fucken inch with me needing to go to fucken sleep but not being able too….and when I am asleep the fucker sounds like a bloody tornado raging through the house Grrrr again ….

its  not just the not sleeping though….its the fear of going to sleep that gets me every single fucking time. I need to be the last person asleep in the house…I need to make sure all the windows and doors are locked…that everyone is settled, before I can move off into the land of vulnerability…where sometimes I’ll dream a pleasant dream…but mainly I’ll dream busy, dizzy, breath-taking, hideous dreams….that leave me sweating or crying or shaking or with a stench in my nostrils….or if I’m really fucking lucky, it’ll be all of them….Its bullshit!!! Tiring fucken bullshit.

Thank the heavens for Allen Stone…for music….

I need to sleep…think I’ll take my music to bed…and sleep in the spare room….

nighty night world

sleep tight

don’t let the bed bugs bite

First Published on: May 18, 2015 @ 03:11 ❤

father and ACC

So, do you want the good news or the bad news first …

…. dunno why we say that … theres just news really, neither good nor bad … any who …

So?

Ok, bad it is …

Apparently; according to a rather untimely snail mail letter today, from the almighty ACC … I am up for yet another assessment.

Why you ask?

Well, apparently, again, the last assessment was a pre-assessment assessment. Didn’t know they existed did yah … well, apparently, they do!

…. but do you realise how long it took Me to get ready for the last assessment which y’all said was all I needed to do … and do you realise how long it took to get over the last assessment which y’all said was I all I needed to do?

Thats right … fucking ages!

But since I’ve been waiting, like, 5 or so years for that pre-assessment assessment and then another 6 months for those results … only to be told the assessment that I thought was what i was waiting for all this time is actually only the pre-assessment assessment and that assessment is pending … I could be in for another 5 year wait???

No. Of course not … *she says ultra sarcastically so she neither cries or laughs hysterically at the absurdity of the whole fucking thing … cos all this time, she’s still the one sitting on a cool $35 smack-a-roos a week … yes, thats right … the sum total of … *

Ahhhhhh     …. deep breaths …. deep breaths …

So, onto the good news …

Sure thing …

I spoke with my father.

He apologised … for not listening; for being a shit father; for not ever ever being around; for going on about shit I don’t give a fuck about; for not listening; for not getting to know Me; for not visiting; for not ever ringing; for not listening; …. for barging his way into my life … full of grief and anxiety … and expecting Me to be my sisters replacement … for taking Me for granted … oh … and for not listening!

He finally told Me about his life … his actual life … he answered my questions … and gave Me real answers. He talked about my sister … who she was to him … what she was like … as a person … as a mother. He finally talked about his regrets and his hopes … his failures and his wins … the real ones.

And he finally, finally, asked Me about Me.

So, there we have it … the ups and the downs … the good and the bad … for today.

Now I can sleep … hopefully … because as much as I thought I had kicked insomnias ass … I haven’t been to sleep before 2.30am and slept more than a few hours, for a couple weeks now … and I’m exhausted.

I’ll be fucked if I know how I survived on 3-4 hours sleep for the past 35+ years … oh, thats right … I didn’t.

i’m not going to call it insomnia … its just a ‘moment’

I haven’t had one of these nights for awhile … 2:56am, and I’m not asleep … I don’t want to be asleep … but I do … but I can’t …

So, I’m trying to just roll with it and do all the things I’ve learnt; have been doing for the past year … relax … calm the farm … not worry … keep on clearing out my head … breath slowly …

I guess though, if I end up being awake all night … I’ll get to enjoy my coffee earlier … I’ve only got another 3 hours 😉

oh, did i tell yah..

I had nine

yes 9,

hours of sleep last night.

1st time ever!

It wasn’t completely nightmare free.

But it was manageable!

9.

9 whole hours.

🙂

insomni~atic eureka :)

I’ve had insomnia ~ technical who-ha for, sleeping like shit ~ for … ever. 4 hours has always been a long sleep, 2-3 the norm. And it’s always been ‘aided’. Alcohol, drugs, combos, sleeping pills … exhaustion. And still only 2-4 hours at a time.

The last 5ish years have been a benzodiazepine rabbit hole shitfest.

I enjoyed being able to sleep, solid … but still only got 4-5 hours, if I was lucky.

And none of this takes into consideration the fucked up nightmares that have always accompanied sleep land … but that’s another story.

Anyway, I have had a love hate relationship with zoppys (as i affectionately called them) over the past 5 years. After a few years, realising they were addictive; thanks to Google, not the doctor grrrr … and then slowly trying to wean myself off’ve them.

Well that took another year or so but I finally did it about a month or so ago. Thank fuck!

But, its meant that I just have to roll with the no sleep thing, if it happens. On a good night, I’ll get 6 hours sometimes … and that’s pretty fucken impressive for me! The dreams can be vivid and sometimes hard to handle, but manageable, now I know whats what.

So, last night, I decided to try something new.

I was tired at 10pm, and this is usually when I start to get anxious and put on another movie and try to wait it out till I’m so exhausted I pass out lol.

Instead, I told myself it was 2.30am (my most usual bedtime time lol). I took a bit of convincing; but ended up curling up into a ball, closing my eyes and reciting that mantra ~ “its 2.30am, go to sleep and you’ll get at least 4 hours before morning”.

Well, whataya fucken know! It worked!

I went to sleep before 10.30pm (real time) and woke up at 6am (real time)!!!

Seven and a half hours sleep!!! Unaided!!!

Whoop whoop … Yah Me 🙂

And I got to thinking this morning…

Our time (society) is based on our culture. As in, in a place like Italy, Spain … an afternoon siesta is the norm, cos its too dam hot to do anything else … that’s part of their environment, the culture … its their norm. Western culture seems to be more to do with productivity and making money … keeping the economy rolling. We are ‘supposed’ to hit school, work before 9am, finish at 3pm, or 5pm (depending on what we do) … we rush to get there, rush to get home…we eat in a hurry…have fun in a hurry…sleep in a hurry. Sleep is based on the time we’re not ‘being productive’, or not working. It has nothing to do with ‘US’ … and our ebbs and flows.

And what I mean by that is … for me … I’ve always had a lull in energy in the afternoon; 230-3ish. Then I’m re-energised around 930-10pm, usually. But a working day/week, does not fit into that.

The ‘sicker’ I became, the more I had to listen to my insides/my intuition, and figure out what was best for me.

My sleeping patterns, PTSD altered or not, don’t fit with productive ‘normal’ society. My norm doesn’t fit their norm. IT doesn’t fit MY norm!

Which in essence means, I’ve got to find my own norm ~ which I am doing to varying degrees … but as far as making money, or returning to ‘the workforce’, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Strangely enough … I couldn’t give a rats ass.

I’ll find my own groove …

I think I’ll enjoy my own groove better 🙂